Could really use some cheering up

Hannah_Banana

You're missing the point. This is something to get upset over. You should be so upset that you will not take it anymore, not for another minute, and pick up that phone, call him, and end it right now, right this minute. Draw a line in the sand.

Ditto.

I don't take crap, and you shouldn't either. What he's doing isn't an annoying quirk, its a serious problem. So break his stupid superficial heart and leave him - preferably suspended by his toes over hot lava.

Katy009

I didn't read all the responses, but you are soooooo much better than that and can find someone who appreciates you for you. And you should be losing this weight for you, not your boyfriend. I would tell him to piss off!!!! And BTW, congrats on what you have lost so far. Great job

havingitall

Both my husband and I agree...dump the @sshole! He should go and make somebody else's life miserable and you should go and find somebody who loves you for the beautiful person you are. Nobody deserves to have conditions like that put on their love.

My husband loved me 79 lbs heavier, he loves me now and he will love me when I hit my goal weight. Just as I loved him heavier, I love him now and I will love him at his goal weight. It is not the packaging I fell in love with, it was the gift inside!

songbyrdsweet

Thanks everyone for the advice and the kind words. On a good note, I did not attack my fridge, I snacked on a small apple with organic peanut butter, took a hot bubble bath, and popped in a dvd and curled up with my kids and relaxed. I realize that it is not worth getting upset over, that I know that I am a good and strong woman who deserves so much better. I sat and thought about whether or not I would still love him if he was overweight and the answer was yes, because my love is not shallow or superficial. There is so much more to me than numbers on a scale and this weight loss journey isn't just about my looks or my physical body, but about my health and living a clean and long life, enjoying everything God has given to me. NO ONE should stand in my way of that, and if the only way they want to "encourage me" is to demean and degrade me than they need to be apart from me because I AM better than that. So again, thank you all so much for the support and the understanding, I really don't know what I would do without MFP. And thanks Goblin for giving me perspective from a man's point of view, and to you ladies who have been there, thanks for the wake up call.

It does sound like you truly love him.
But just because you truly love him, does NOT mean he returns that caliber of love, and does NOT mean you should wait to see if he ever will. Good luck.

LittleSister

I know these responses have been hard for you to hear. I know what it's like to be with someone who isn't supportive - I was married for 12 years to someone like that.

I know you probably aren't going to dump him just because some people online are telling you to. I know you're probably going to rationalize it. You're going to tell yourself that you only told us the bad stuff, so of course we're going to only have a one-dimensional view of him. You're going to tell yourself that we don't know what he's like when he's sweet and kind and funny and sexy and considerate. Because chances are, he must be some of those things SOME of the time, or else you really would have left by now.

But you see, this is where he gets you. His concern about your weight shows you on some level that you are important to him. That feels good. It's also attention. If he doesn't give you the kind of attention you deserve, then maybe this negative attention is better than no attention. Besides, it always feels so good when you do get it right and he does reward you with a smile or a hug or a compliment, even if it's rare.

This is how casinos get you - you play the slot machine and it ignores you and ignores you no matter how much money you dump into it, and then it throws some money back at you. You're all happy so you put more money in to get more of that fun and good feeling you get when it gives you money back. That's exactly how these kinds of relationships are - they throw you a few crumbs, and man, you work hard for those crumbs! And when you get those crumbs that make you happy, you think "See??? He really does love me." Or you think "Things are getting better." Or you think "It's not asking that much that I should change for him. If I love him, I should change for him."

Ultimately, you lose more than you put in though.

I went through this cycle for 12 years. If he were consistently nasty and crappy to me, I'd have left waaaay before I did. Things were horrible, I felt awful, and then he'd become sweet and nice, and I'd think "Wow, things are getting better!" and I'd think "He's changed." And I'd be happy and in love again.

I used to give myself ultimatums. I'd say "Okay, if things aren't better by July 1, I'm leaving him." July 1 would come, and it would seem like things were maybe better, so I'd stay.

And just like your guy, there was no communicating with him. There was only me trying to figure out how to say things so I wouldn't set him off.

He damaged my self esteem, he got me to believe that all our problems were my fault, and if I'd just fix this or that, things would be better, he got me to believe that maybe nobody else would love me, so I was damned lucky to have him, and I also believed that if I were on my own, I'd end up a bag lady, so I had to stay with him if I wanted a place to live and something to eat. (He never came out and said that, but the implication was always there.)

And I'm not stupid. I'm actually very smart. We always believe smart people don't let themselves get into these kinds of relationships. But that's not true - even really smart people find themselves in these kinds of relationships. That's because it doesn't start off that way - it starts off really nice, and gradually goes sour, and you're thinking the whole time that it's because you're not doing something right, so you keep trying.

And by the way, you're very smart too. You're smart and you're strong, and you're starting to see how this guy really is, and how he's not good for you.

But I know you can't just dump him cold like that - I couldn't do it either at the time. Just start to be aware of things, start asking yourself if his few crumbs of joy are worth the times he makes you feel like crap. And start daydreaming about what a life without him might look like. Start seeing yourself as strong and successful, not needing him at all.

The best scenario I can think of is for you to lose the weight, then dump him when he's telling you how much he loves you - you could say "Gee, Buster, you didn't love me 30 pounds ago, so I don't believe that you love me now, you jerk!"

(That's kind of what I did - after being made to feel like I was not very smart and couldn't do anything on my own, I worked my a** off getting my college degree even though my husband tried everything he could to stop me - and then I got my degree, got my first job out of college that made decent money, he was all happy about the additional income we were going to get, and then I told him I wanted a divorce.)

Good luck to you. (((Big hug))) Keep posting to us!
:flowerforyou:

PS - by the way, and this might be the most important point of all - if he's physically abusing you, disregard everything I just said and get the hell out NOW. And do not, I repeat, do not go back, ever, ever, ever.

LittleSister

And by the way, if anyone sees me posting about my husband in here, I'm not talking about the guy I was married to for 12 years. I left him, was on my own for awhile, then met a wonderful man who is supportive and kind and WILL communicate with me. We just had our 10 year anniversary a couple of months ago. Life is a lot better when you're with someone who loves you as you are!

strongandfit

Little Sister,

You were a big teacher just now with your long post above and the short one below it. Congratulations on your 10th year anniversary with a loving husband. And congratulations in passing on life lessons you had to learn the tough way. Your long post were very eloquent and I like your use of the analogy of the gambling casino to explain things. Hope it helps original poster and anyone else in the same situation. I truly do.

southern_gurl

Thanks again everybody. It is nice to know Lil Sister, that I am not the only one to ever go through this. Reading what you posted was like getting a peep show seat into my thoughts. I have thought those things, over and over, like how he has changed, how it is getting so much better. But in reality it only hides for a short while. Physically, no he has never hurt me, but mentally and verbally..........on a daily basis. Everything seems to be my fault, no matter what it is. I pride myself on being a fairly intelligent woman, I work a really good job, I keep a clean house, do laundry, all of the stuff I should be doing, but nothing seems to matter. It is a cycle that I need to break. I to know what it is like to feel like I should feel so frickin lucky to have someone like him to love me, and my daydreams of the future without him are lonely and maybe that scares me, who knows, but I do know that I have worked WAY to hard to let this set me back................today is a positive day and I will succeed.

MadWorld

I'm sorry, but kick him to the curb. If he only treats you with kindness and respect when you are within a certain weight, it's not true love. That's disrespectful and I would not put up with it. You deserve so much better.