I don't care what you think, this is my life!

HollyAus

ok I have this problem. A very close friend who I see all the time is giving me a hard time about losing weight.
I was an all-state athlete in high school. 5'10'' 140-150 depending on which sport I was playing. Since then I have had three kids, the oldest will be 5 in a few weeks and I am almost 24. My goal is 155 and I'm at 160-ish (I've kinda stalled, but doing a lot more strength training)
Well She keeps saying "you know your body is different right?" or "You know you might not ever be that size again right" and for some reason this is the worst "maybe your just not supposed to be that size anymore"
She is overweight and always has been. She tries a "diet" for maybe a month doesn't lose very much so she stops, and she never exercises.
I'm getting close to my goal so I've slowed in my weight loss, but I don't want to stop! I want to get there!
So My question is what can I say to her that let's her know that I am not finished and I WILL get to my goal and that it's ok to want to be thin and healthy, but to also do it in a nice way instead of "I don't care what you think, this is my life!" I don't want to be rude to her, but why would I take weight lose advice from someone who has never committed to loseing weight?
I also think that she thinks I am just wanting to be pretty and skinny, but that's just me

Jynus

1 )She's jealous
2) Be prepared to lose a friend over this. I've seen it more than a few times. People are sooo insecure with themselves, they are unable to deal with others around them improving, and lash out.
3) you don't talk to her about health and fitness, and in return, she doesn't get to talk to you about it. Make this point clear.

geekyjock76

I have several clients who complain that female friends tend to be quite negative about their progress. She simply may be jealous and/or does not know anyone personally who has regained their figure after having kids. If you see a bunch of out of shape, overweight people around you, that's what you expect the "norm" to be.

HeavyLiftGirl

I agree that she is jealous.

My sister is the same way. She is very overweight, and constantly has something smart to say. I just let it go because I know she just wishes she had my body. Sounds arrogant, but it isn't. It's the truth. She had had one child, and I have had two and look better than her because I have worked my butt off to get where I am today.

And for the record-- I have lost all my baby weight and have great progress pics in my profile to prove it if you want to show her that it CAN be done.

Keep going, mama! You are doing an amazing job, and should be very proud of yourself!

flobeedoodle

If she has always been overweight, she has probably fought very hard for some sense of self-worth in the face of a society that values women almost exclusively on how well they meet beauty ideals. Perhaps the fact that you suspect that she think you're doing this to be pretty and skinny suggests that she is afraid that you are valuing yourself on your appearance, as is the societal norm, and she finds it either threatening, suggesting that you, like the rest of society, see her only as a fat chick, not a s a real, complete, and worthy person, or worse, she worries that you feel that way about yourself and are losing weight as an expression of internalized self-loathing. I have found it very hard to come to a place where I can want to lose weight and be healthy without it seeming like a betrayal of all the years I spent fighting to be seen as a real and complete person, despite my weight, and as a woman who had value independent of my level of physical attractiveness.

If you care to try to save your friendship, when she says "maybe your just not supposed to be that size anymore" respond with "Well, maybe not, but there's no harm in trying to be as fit and healthy as possible. If I end up that size, it's great, and if not, well, maybe I'll spare myself some health problems."

skonly

You don't need jealous friends. And after 3 kids there will be things about your body that have changed. It is just part of life. Doesn't mean you can't still be in shape and look good. You are still young, get healthy and stay healthy now.

I barely even talk about needing to lose weight with most of my friends, they always say I don't need to and I look fine. I don't look bad but I need to lose what I gained. I told one friend of mine to shut up about it. I actually told her just because she weighs 100 lbs more than I do doesn't mean I don't need to lose.

There is not a thing wrong with you wanting to lose a little bit. People always get jealous when someone tries to improve their life whether it's weight related or something else.

55sc

Acknowledge what she is saying because she is right. Your body has changed and matured because of age and having had babies.
I would tell her that you know that, and have set your goal weight accordingly. You aren’t trying to get back to your athlete body, you are trying to get fitter. The specific numbers are not her business.
You are also right, you can be thinner and fit, no matter what has changed in your life or how your body has matured.
If this fails, I would avoid talking to her about your fitness goals, or diet. If she asks, tell her you are making healthy choices because it is better for you.
If all else fails, you might have to limit contact with her or come right out and tell her you make your health decisions and unless she wants you to talk about her choices, she should back off.

rml_16

Don't say anything. Quit talking to her about it.

bcattoes

I would simply say, "You could be right, but it's doing me good rather than harm to strive for that goal, so I see no reason not to continue."

FloridaAimee

I always say "I know my body has changed, and things won't end up looking the same, but I figure if I can shrink it, it's easier to move stuff where I want it to be!"

Dude, women can be HARSH....and having kids DOES move your stuff around, but that's OK, that's life....I KNOW that at a size 7 at age 38 I wont look like my size 7 at age 18 did, and that's OK. But that doesn't mean I need to be fat. LOL

auroranflash

Reach your goal anyway and then ....HYAAA!



Haters

They got a job to do. So go do yours, too.

Joyjmb

Some people also just engage in word vomit.
They don't realize they are sabotaging you, or they miss you as their 'pizza friend.'
Straight out ask her the next time she says it - she might even think she's doing you
a favor by giving you an 'out.'
Most people look shocked at being called out - she might get the message and you can
perhaps salvage the friendship.

HollyAus

Thanks everyone!! I think the post about the social "norm" is probablly accurate. How she has always tried to be seen for who she really is and not her weight.
I have a horrible family medical history, either heart disease or diabetes, and that is why I want to get it under control NOW.
And yes My hips will always be a little wider and I'll probablly always have a little extra tummy. I know that. And I don't have 5 hours a day to work out like I used to so that athlete body will most likely never be attainable lol. I'm not stupid..
Thanks for the advice. It has really been bothering me lately and this has helped.

I love MFP!

HollyAus

Reach your goal anyway and then ....HYAAA!



Haters

They got a job to do. So go do yours, too.

That is awesome!!!

nxd10

1 )She's jealous
2) Be prepared to lose a friend over this. I've seen it more than a few times. People are sooo insecure with themselves, they are unable to deal with others around them improving, and lash out.
3) you don't talk to her about health and fitness, and in return, she doesn't get to talk to you about it. Make this point clear.

She may certainly be trying to justify her own behavior by saying that it is just impossible to be thin at a certain age. YOU ARE SO YOUNG! Of course you can lose that weight!

Advice: Why talk to a friend at work about your diet at all? Change the subject. Eat small helping of whatever you chose to. Gossip about the obnoxious person in the next cubicle or sports or your adorable kids. But don't talk about weight loss. It obviously isn't helping your relationship and will get more and more touchy when you hit your goal and she doesn't.

ktyper

you should try to get her to join fitness pal!!! maybe after she sees some progress she can work with you instead of against you!!
Good luck!!

sleonardbranson

Jealous!!!!!

lovinmyselfagain

Your success and commitment at weight loss and being healthy is probably making her feel bad about her weight issues. If she's a close friend then explain to her nicely your reasons for wanting to be healthy. You could also offer to help her "if" she's interested in getting healthy, as well. And if, after extending an olive branch to her, she continues to be negative towards your healthy lifestyle, then you may want to tell her how you feel about her negativity and distance yourself from her if she doesn't understand where you're coming from.

yoovie

Ask her why cant she just wish you good luck- why does she have to always respond with - "you know you probably cant because..." and she should stop putting her own hangups on you.

I know youre looking for a nicer way of saying this, but these people bother me so much with their faux-concern.

DebHutton55

I have had friends/sisters that have been the same as your friend. Some have come on board the health train and some haven't. I don't lose them over it. I also don't get upset when they say those things. I tell them I just want to be at a healthy weight. I want to watch my granddaughters grow up. I want to compete in 5Ks and mud runs. I want to enjoy life, and "for me", that's losing the weight. Don't stress over it, just live your life.

kehuizenga

I don't have experience with this when it comes to weight loss, but I do have a friend who often gives me unsolicited relationship advice (even though she herself has never been on more than 2 dates with the same person and has no idea what she is talking about--she thinks she is hot sh**, but most men find her annoying and immature...but I digress). Anyway, whenever she does this to me I just ignore her suggestions or "insights" and say "well, we'll see" or "well I'll just have to see what happens." I think this could work in your situation too.

DrMAvDPhD

Well, your friend is right. Your body IS different. (1) You've had kids. Your hips have almost certainly widened as a result. You will likely have to weigh less to get to the same pants size. (2) You are no longer a 17 year old athlete. You probably have lost some muscle definition. This will also make you bigger in size at the same weight as muscle is more dense than fat.

That being said, flat out tell her to butt-out. Stop talking about your eating and exercising habits in front of her. When she brings it up, say "I don't want to discuss this" and move on. 5'10" and 155 is a pretty average BMI and should be achievable.

Lisame11

Hi,

The replies are right, it could be jealousy, but it could also be her own fears about her struggle with weight that are coming out, or her awareness that she is not having the success you have. Its tricky really, especially when its a friend. You could just stick with telling her that you are determined to reach your personal goal, and change the subject. Some things are not worth falling out over. Hope you manage to get through this, and good luck with your target!

jrutledge01

link her this thread and let things work themselves out

flobeedoodle

you should try to get her to join fitness pal!!! maybe after she sees some progress she can work with you instead of against you!!
Good luck!!

Please don't do this. If someone shares that they are trying to lose weight, or asks what "your secret" is, by all means, share this website with them, because it's awesome. But if you suggest this, or any other weight loss technique/program/website to someone who has not shared that they want to lose weight, it can be incredibly damaging and actually increase a person's resistance to making healthy changes.

HollyAus

5'10" and 155 is a pretty average BMI and should be achievable.

EXACTLY!!

Again thanks everyone. She is on MFP! But just uses the app and that's it, doesn't have any other "friends." She is doing the Body by Vi stuff. I think it could be good for extra nutrition but It's not right for me, but I don't tell her that. I think the leave it alone and change the subject will be best. We don't really have the same sense of humor anyways. She is very blunt and dry (I have seen others take it as offensive, especially here in OK{she is from Canada})
I would love to give her advice, but she never ask for it so I don't... She is one of those that knows best no matter what and everyone should do what she wants. It's not really a bad thing, it's just how she is.
I don't know if she's jealous. I can't tell anyways lol

srpm

My go-to response when people tell me I don't need to lose weight is that I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm trying to get back the energy I had before I gained the weight and eating healthy/working out etc is way better than ten cups of coffee in the morning.

Lina4Lina

Without knowing the context of the conversations, she may be attempting to be supportive. I've known many people who get frustrated because they can't get back to the size that they were a teen. I'd tell them to maybe try being where they are at for a while and see what happens. Although really most of these people were ones that gained a lot of weight (100 lbs or more).

If you are talking to her about your diet/exercise, then now may be the time to stop. Switch subjects, talk about something else, etc

cowgirlzride

********************** Since it sounds like your friendship is inmportant, and you don't want to loose it- try this. You are close to yoru goal you said, so don't see her in person for the next bit of time until your at goal weight. Then, when you reach your goal, set up a lunch date. Meet her, and order healthy as I am sure you will. She may say nothing~ since jealousy seems to be the agreement here. If she does say something.... just look at your food selection and portion size. Tell her, this is how you did it. Good luck~ Sandi

happythermia

Know that this has nothing to do with you. Instead of cheering you on, she's being an a-hole because she is insecure.

I totally know where you're coming from. Keep up that "I don't care what you think" attitude and rock it

fallintomyworld

It's hard when important ppl in your life are not on board with postivie changes you have decided to make. I don't care if you have tried 108 times before to lose weight, or if you only have 10 pounds to lose, with out positive supportive ppl around to talk to you about your goals, its hard. I know personally. i talk about calories and working out on a daily basis now. i could just not talk to my friends about my struggle, because its in the forefront of my everyday. I agree with trying to get her to try something. Make it as fun as possible and see if she changes her mind about getting healthy herself. but in the end you have to do what makes you comfortable, stay on path, log everything knowing you eat being true to you. don't worry about what she thinks about your goals. THEY ARE YOUR GOALS!!