10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
LauraMacNCheese
Posts: 7,173 Member
in Chit-Chat
Rule One: If you pull into the driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, if fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take an electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at this house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness, dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Movies that
feature parents with chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Retirement homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be pot-bellied, wrinkled up, middle-aged, dim-witted, has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless GOD of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a Kimber Ultra CDP II .45ACP, a shovel, and twenty-five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me, Scooter.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, if fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take an electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at this house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness, dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Movies that
feature parents with chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Retirement homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be pot-bellied, wrinkled up, middle-aged, dim-witted, has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless GOD of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a Kimber Ultra CDP II .45ACP, a shovel, and twenty-five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me, Scooter.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Replies
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Mine just turned 16 and started dating last month. I'll be emailing the kid this one!0
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Katy is only 10, but I'm printing this out and making copies now.0
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Solid plan. No way she rebels against these rules lol0
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My dad really didn't care as long as they had money.....until I got pregnant. On the other hand was my older brother.0
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Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be pot-bellied, wrinkled up, middle-aged, dim-witted, has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless GOD of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a Kimber Ultra CDP II .45ACP, a shovel, and twenty-five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me, Scooter.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Loved the whole thing, but the last two really got me. :laugh:0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Love this!0 -
HA! I love it.0
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Rule Four: I’m sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
I think this is my favorite.
However, I do not agree with if he has to wait for an hour on her. Being late is one of my pet peeves. He should have to wait on her because dating her is a privilege however, only 10 min. Anything longer than that is rude.0 -
will be hanging this on my front door0
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Hahahaha, you can say these things to them as much as you like, it will never change anything apart from their attitude towards you.
=]0 -
lol that is almost my dad.... thankfully i didnt start dating until college and only one guy has been worthy of meeting my parents. they love him
and he changes the oil AND the spark plugs in my moms car! 0 -
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LOVE THIS!!!!!0
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My twins are just 15..... I love this, thank you so much for putting a smile on my face..... But where we live it is trendy for girls to be celibate and stay that way, how cool is that, it is a new trend... Phew !!!
But thank you for posting that, you are a woman after my own heart .......:flowerforyou:
I have told my daughters I will sit with a knife in my hands rocking back and forth on the sofa when the bring home a man..... If they dont, I will go round to his house.......... :bigsmile:0 -
My daughter just turned 17. I meet the boys, take them to the back deck overlooking a mountain with black bears, and tell them pretty much the same thing0 -
craziness0
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I seriously think I am backwards at times. My daughter I did not worry too much about. I knew she could take care of herself and she did (mostly, a few bruises but nothing seriously). She still has a long way to go, as she is only twenty and off at college. But as she is living with her boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment, I guess that cow has left the barn ;-)
But my 16 year old son....NOW I worry. I seriously will NOT tolerate some empty-headed bimbette messing with his head. He is way to nice, considerate, and frankly cute for his own good (boy, he would not like seeing this). I have warned him of the consequences of making me a grandmother (there is sever pain and likely bloodshed involved in this scenario) before I am ready (i.e. anytime within the next ten years) and he knows this. But he is my baby boy and I want only the best for him in everything.0 -
:laugh: Awesome! :laugh:0
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:laugh: :laugh: I love this with a burning fiery passion! My husband would love it more!0
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This is soooo funny lol!!0
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i'll be printing this out and using it in conjuction with reenacting the scene in Bad Boys II. You know the one. I dont have any kids but am preparing now!0
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Hilariouss! :laugh: My dad was a bit of a hard *kitten* when it came to dating but he got over it well. He still hates all the boys I bring home though :laugh:0
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This is hilarious.
I would have loved to of had a dad like this when I started dating. Instead he cared more about where the beer was....but let's not open that can of worms.
My mom on the other hand...she played...and still plays (even though I'm 23) that part very VERY well. I'm still waiting for her to be waiting with a gun. Luckily, I'm out on my own....but she can still sense it and will text or call.0 -
i'll be printing this out and using it in conjuction with reenacting the scene in Bad Boys II. You know the one. I dont have any kids but am preparing now!
My favorite scene!!0 -
Sounds like my dad 0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPC14B5Z7J4
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