A Sudden Realization

GaidenJade

Yesterday was the first of two family parties that I am going to this week. I was amped up to go, so ready to have fun and show off not only my weight loss, but my new fitness level.

A few things messed up the morning, making us super late, but that was okay. I still wanted to go. I hadn't seen my family in a while and I wasn't going to let anything stop me.



So we get there and everything is fine. Me and my daughter have fun in the pool. My sisters started laughing at me because I still had my old lady's bathing suit on, left over from a time when I was so insecure about my body I didn't care what sort of bathing-suit I wore, because I thought I was fat and ugly, why not have an ugly bathing-suit. But I brush it off, laugh along with them as they said I just needed curlers and a pair of shorts and I would look like our grandmother. No biggy.

We eat and laugh, I didn't go crazy, because I found I wasn't really hungry for all the crap laid out.

I played volleyball for over an hour with my nephews, nieces and their friends. It was a blast.

Then as I was talking with my nephew who has some weight issues that he wants to take care of. I tell him about here, because the last thing I want is him dieting, or ending up doing something bad for his health all trying to lose weight. He's only 17 (soon to be 18) I told him how much weight I've lost and he tells me that his mom, (my sister), said I looked emaciated. Or at least my face does.

I laughed it off, defending myself a bit by saying that I lose ALWAYS in my face and neck, first.

As I thought about it though, I realized I was really bummed. I mean. Emaciated? Seriously? She saw me in my bathing-suit, I am not emaciated. I am still quite overweight, though I WAS feeling better about my body and my face. I think.What am I supposed to do, stay super obese so that my FACE doesn't look emaciated?

I simmered, holding it in because that's what I do. But it really hurt.

I am realizing that I didn't get ONE compliment on how I looked. Except from my nieces and nephews. My sister, brother and other sister said nothing.

Okay, I shouldn't rely on that for my self esteem, but as I thought about it I realized this is ALWAYS how it's been. That maybe all this time, without realizing it, I have been letting THEM pull me down.

It might take me a bit of time to fully let go of caring what they think of me. I was so proud of myself for the accomplishments I have made. And today I am still upset. But I am determined more than ever to stop relying on them. Stop expecting them to hold me up.

They can shove it! I am standing tall and proud of the fact I am healthy and strong and I will lose the weight I want....... and do it the RIGHT way.

mikeyboy

Yes stand tall! I think you look great and should be proud of what you have done so far! Use this as added motivation. Keep on rocking!

stellarcanicula

I feel the same. I see my clothes are getting loose, i see my reflection changing.....but nobody says anything except my mom. That's more discouraging than anything else.

But I'm just gonna keep on, keeping on.

Zylahe

sounds like the siblings might have a case of the green eyed monster.
and if you are now in shape, they can't use the excuse
"its genetic, all the family are large".

YOU know you've done great, and you did this for yourself not for them.
:drinker:

mjterp

Hang in there. It is a tough realization to find the people that you WANT to depend on...you can't. Same problem for me.
FRIENDS are my best source of support.

BlueJean4114

Ah, so sorry you did NOT get the well deserved positive feedback from your own family. Maybe the sister who said your face looked "emaciated" was jealous of your weight loss, or scrapping around to find some way to avoid doing the work herself, who knows? Who knows why some ppl are jerks.
sorry, but some of your famiy's remarks you describe above sound like jerk remarks to me.
Others remarks sound like the intention was to have a teasing/laughing moment, but, at your expense.

Sadly, sometimes, families are not the support system we want them to be,
but, do press on, and hold your very-nicely-shaped face up high. You look like a very pretty person in your photos, btw, if no one has told you that lately.

You might even want to mull over,
having a family meeting and calmly discussing this (lack of support) with them, when you are feeling less hurt about it. Write down some points you want to discuss, read your list over several days, to re-evaluate what you have written down there. Strive for communication, to hear, and be heard, not to 'win'.
Just a thought. I just think we are never too old to learn a new way, and i think the world sure could use more kindness.


good luck. If nothing else, 'create' your "own" family from ppl you do respect and trust.

brucemily

I can so totally relate to this. Growing up, I was the subject of several interventions by my family about my weight. I was - and still am - mortified by those interventions and have always battled feeling like I was the fat embarrassment of the family.

Now, I'm healthier than I've ever been and, while I have still have quite a bit of weight to lose, I finally feel I've overcome a lot of my food issues and am able to deal much more constructively with my emotions.

That said, I just came home from a week-long visit with family and not a single person said anything about my weight loss. I know I've only lost 16 lbs but I'm doing lots of yoga/strength training so I feel my body shape is really different. Also my friends notice and comment often. And my family - who hasn't seen me in 8 mos - said nothing. And it killed me.

So hang in there - whoever said to listen to your friends is right. Family can be so difficult and you never know what kind of agenda and/or emotions color what they say and do. Just be proud of yourself - you've done amazingly well!!!

HelloSweetie4

Definately sounds like your sister is jealous. I have noticed this with one of my sisters as well. Se has a serious case of "Middle-Child Syndrom" and is annoying that I have been getting attention from the rest of the family on my weight-loss. Honestly, it's hard for me to accept the compliments and I hate getting extra attention. She's going so far as to get weight-loss surgery to get the attention back on her. She can have it, I'm doing this for myself, not to get attention from everyone else.

13inchestogo

Thank goodness you have the right overall 'they can shove it' attitude because really that is uncalled for !!!! Unfortunately some people either live in self centered bubbles where they noticed nothing but themselves or are jealous and angry when they see people better themselves because of an insecurity they are trying to hide. I would be steamed too!!! You sound like a very caring empathetic person yourself and to have your family act so boorishly to you would be especially hurtful :mad:

But regardless, glad your not going to let it derail you from your dreams that your accomplishing!!! You've lost quite a bit already thats something to be proud of !! Yes I have the same idea that I need others to say I am good/beautiful etc to feel good, I'm sure most people do! Such a normal thing to seek acceptance, hardest part of my life so far I find is to let go of the judgement of others and focus soley on what you think and how that is most important ! Anyways, I'm sure you didn't look like a granny! Pfft!!! Even if actually did wear curlers and shorts you'd probably be hotter than the rest of them anyways !!! lol :P

yoovie

girls are btches.

girish_ph

It's true - we often instinctively rely on family to give us support, but it is not coming. Then we feel hurt. Our family and "so called friends" also put us down, and it hurts. But, there is a way out -

- Keep all good natured friends who support you in your inner circle
- Kick the butt of those who don't support you - be it family or anyone else. Just walk out and dont keep touch
- Talk and cry with those cose to you, or vent out on sites like MFP

Slowly, the day will be yours, abd you will stride the earth.

marsellient

I guess I'm lucky because my Mom and my sister have both been very encouraging...BUT I had a pile of cousins here last weekend and not one person said anything, and you know, I do think it's because they all need to do something, too, so they don't want to bring it up. I have a friend, too, who while she says she has to lose weight, and has lost some, will go off if anyone brings the subject up and refuses to read labels or keep track of her intake. She says she doesn't have time. I've learned to quietly go about my business. Don't let them bring you down!

GaidenJade

Hey thanks everyone. Yeah, I was having a really bad time when I posted this. But funny thing is, after I went to the second party on Thursday, I realized that she was just worried one day I would be the thinnest of the kids. Which has always been her honor, though she was never really healthy, just smaller than the rest of us.

I showed her up in volleyball and never stopped moving around, helping out with cleaning up, setting up and was taking pictures the whole time. (I was a photographer once, I guess I will always be one even if it isn't all the time.) I was even having a blast with a water balloon fight and just let myself be a kid again since I wasn't too tired to do anything, like I was before MFP.

Then my mother, who has been proud of what I have been doing, said in front of my sister. "Well look at you. Don't you ever sit still?" I told her, no. She laughed and said, "Just like when you were a kid, soon you'll be as small as you were then and just as energetic."

I felt lite as a feather. As a kid I really was a twitcher, I never stopped and I noticed after she said that, that she was right. Losing weight isn't just changing how I look, or even my health, but my entire perspective on life! I am stronger now and more feisty. I am the old me that I used to love.

:drinker: :drinker: MFP rocks! I don't know what I would have been if I didn't find you all, but I know it wouldn't be this awesome!