Lost confused and have no hope.

TravisWS

I have come to terms with the fact that I have an eating disorder. I am a 19 year old male who went from being 230lbs to 140lbs in about 8 months. Within those 8 months about 99% of the time I tracked every little calorie I ingested. (Still do) I also get at least 30 minutes of cardio in EVERY day (no breaks) and also do a rapid lift session at my home about 25-30 every night. From what I can tell my TDEE is somewhere around 3,300 and my BMR is around 3,000. (I don't trust those numbers). To this day I try to stay below 1,500 calories a day. I've noticed the change in my body (and my mind for that matter). I claim to give myself one "cheat" day but what goes from a controlled thing goes quickly to a full on BINGE and starvation for the next day or two. Those days are every saturday. Fridays I starve to prepare, and Sundays I always gain 5+lbs (mostly water weight I know). By midweek I work hard and get back to my "normal" weight.

I expected the weight loss to cure all my problems. I've battled depression all my life, and yes I've sought out help, but it didn't work. Food was my happy place. McDonalds, Gummy Worms, Pizza, Wings. They kept me going. And when I decided that I was going to loose the weight, I knew those foods HAD to go. I mean if there was a chance that my life could be turned around and for me to be fully happy for once, at the time loosing those foods were worth the little hope I had to live a happy life.

Now today...I stand before myself. and can honestly say loosing the weight did anything but make me happy. It was nice getting noticed and complimented at first, but that quickly faded. I do nothing but remember the fun times of going out to eat and not looking for the healthiest option, or the absolute DIRE need to know every single calorie that I put into my mouth. I can honestly say I was happier being fat. But I can't give myself the opportunity to let all this time I spent working for this go to waste. So now you see my dilemma. I was unhappy being fat, but I am absolutely miserable being skinny, and there's no going back (the thought of it makes me angry). I wish I never started loosing the weight. I wish the thought never crossed my mind. I feel like my life is ruined...and that there is no hope of ever being happy. I am scared. And Honestly don't really know what I am asking in this post. Just another pointless rant from a whiny guy who wants to eat his burgers.

If you find yourself reading this...what do I do? I've said too much.

StephJB1221

Thats not good at all!! But it's great that you recognize there is a problem and you are ready for a change in a healthy direction!!! Have you concidered a counselor? You can message me if you want! Hope you get the guidance you need!

Springfield_Rocks

get an appointment with your family doctor and get a referral for a dietician (certified, not a nutritionist, a DIETICIAN).

you may need counselling.

you can be slim and still eat lots. you just have to educate yourself. it's a long process, but you need to LEARN about food and your body properly.

God Bless. I know it can be so hard.

This thread was helpful for me to teach me about what my body needs and why, but you still need to make that appointment.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/715450-followers-of-in-place-of-a-road-map2-0

thriftycupl

Look for another source of help. It doesn't sound as though the help you've been provided in the past really dealt with the issue.

I'm not a pyschologist or psychiatrist, but I am good at reflection - probably too much for any person, but that's not the point of my response. You have gone from one extreme to another -- thus your lack of happiness. You didn't solve the problem, you changed the problem. Please consider reaching out to a professionalism and ask for help, but be your own advocate for the help you need. Not every psychiatrist or pyschologist is the same or knows the best way to handle situations such as this. Find the one that will help you, can help you and knows how to help you. This is more than about eating.

I'm happy to provide support if I can. I went from eating everything I wanted to high protein, low carb, low cal. I've lost over 40 lbs and want to lose another 50 but I've found that I don't want to eat the rest of my life on high protein, low carb, low cal. I have small children and want to be able to enjoy a really good burger out with them and have that occasional turtle sundae that is my favorite. That's my decision.

What do you choose your decision to be?

TravisWS

I've been to counselling. It hasn't helped.

bushidowoman

The only thing I can offer is encouragement to find a professional who deals with eating disorders. But I couldn't read this and not reply. I hope you will find the help and the hope and the peace that you need. Don't give up...you have your whole life ahead of you, and so many wonderful things await you.

TravisWS

I want to be happy.

wild_wild_life

You are in a good place, because you know you have a problem. All you need is a little help and you can change your mindset. You need to talk to a professional. If one doesn't work, try another. What do you have to lose?

TravisWS

My profile pic is my most recent one. It is from about 2 days ago. I am starting to notice that I am looking sickly...I just...can't..or don't know what to do. And I can't afford a dietitian. I've searched for free resources but there are none out there. If anyone can point one out I would greatly appreciate it.

thriftycupl

If you are a student, check with your school for free or low cost resources.

TravisWS

I am going to start my workout. I won't be able to respond to any posts during it so I will get back on as soon as I've done. Also can someone answer this question. I get done with my workouts every night around 1 or 2 am. I drink a protein shake and a cup of sleepytime relaxing mint tea. I pass out within an hour, but I am up wide awake every morning at 5 or 6. Is it do to my calorie restriction?

ItzPSGina62

I have a hard time believing that you were happier or you would not have done what you did and stuck to it. What kept you motivated? Think about it. Weight and food aren't the things that make people happy. Maybe you don't have an eating disorder but a depression problem. I am not judging you. I am an experienced psychotherapist. I am not here to give you a diagnosis....and about counseling maybe you didn't have the right type.....did you give it time? Did you do the work? What about spiritual practices, support systems etc.?

citizencrp

I've been in and out of therapy for almost 15 years now and I was a miserable young person. From my experience I can tell you that it's not that counseling doesn't work for you, it's that you haven't found the right therapist for where you're at now. Don't be afraid to try someone new for a few months and if that feels unproductive, ask for a referral for someone else. You have to shop around.
You cannot expect quick fixes from any therapist or treatment modality, but you will know if you're making progress. Yes you should consult a dietitian as well but you need to start shopping for a new counselor, so that you can start examining these issues. Once you examine them, you'll start to understand them, and then you can start to change things within yourself.
You will see hope and joy and self esteem again. I'm sorry to tell you that it might take work and time, but it is clear you are bright and motivated so you will get there.
Sincerely,
Been there, done that (except for the actual weight loss thing, which I'm still trying to master).

Crystal_Pistol

Find a NEW therapist. If it didn't work, you may not have been "ready" for it. Your post worries me. Please see someone.

You can't "fix things" (weight, crooked teeth, money issues, etc) and feel happy. Happiness is one of those intangibles that you really have to achieve 100% from external sources. I can't tell you how, but I hope you figure it out.

Joj43

Honesty, your post made me sad. I'm not here to solve your problems but I couldn't not respond. I really wanted you to know that you are not alone. My brother also suffered from anorexia at a young age. He was only 14 years old. He was a big kid and was constantly bullied at school. So he went on his own mission to loose weight. And most of it, he got off the healthy way - diet and exercise, like yourself. But then something went wrong and he kept pushing himself to the point where he ended up hospitalised and put in a ward with other people suffereing from eating disorders. He struggled for many years. He is 36 years old now and still struggles with it every day. Both my sister and myself have suffered with varying degrees of a ED. It is no way to live your life. If you didn't get good help first time, try again with somebody else. Until someone makes sense to you or you feel confortable with them. If you have to try 20 different people, do it. It may well save your life. I don't have to tell you, but living your life this way is not living. I wish you only the best of luck and pray you get well soon.

melbatoast917

I am going to start my workout. I won't be able to respond to any posts during it so I will get back on as soon as I've done. Also can someone answer this question. I get done with my workouts every night around 1 or 2 am. I drink a protein shake and a cup of sleepytime relaxing mint tea. I pass out within an hour, but I am up wide awake every morning at 5 or 6. Is it do to my calorie restriction?

First of all, i definetly think you need to see a counselor who specializes in eating disorders. You are on a slippery slope that can become extremely dangerous. You may also want to join a support group with people who have gone through what you have. I don't care what kind of letters a person has following their name, unless they have lived it, it is hard for them to fully understand your plight. Please, for yourself and your loved ones, seek out professional and peer-based help.

As for your sleep issues, I know that if I work out in the evening I have a difficult time getting and staying asleep. Lack of sleep can enhance your depressive mood. Try working out in the morning, it will brighten your spirits and help you sleep.

We're all pulling for you, kiddo.

FitXnX50

What's great about this site's community is that we're serious about health and wellness more than just pounds. We're all with you! Talk to many people around you face-to-face too, and they'll help you judge when you're out of balance. Don't give up on finding good counsel! And plaudits on speaking up here. That takes guts too.

leolin6

Controlling your intake and output is the problem here. People that are unhappy generally try to control one aspect of their life. Seeking behavior help is giving up some of your control. Be willing to accept your inner self and not judge your outer self. Finding friends that you can talk to and that will accept you for you probably will be a lot of help. No matter what vice a person picks: eating, not eating, drugs, alcohol, gods, no gods, sex or whatever a person obesses (addiction) with becomes unhealthy. Finding small things that make you happy will only last so long. You have to be happy with who you are inside. Soapbox done!!

melbatoast917

Controlling your intake and output is the problem here. People that are unhappy generally try to control one aspect of their life. Seeking behavior help is giving up some of your control. Be willing to accept your inner self and not judge your outer self. Finding friends that you can talk to and that will accept you for you probably will be a lot of help. No matter what vice a person picks: eating, not eating, drugs, alcohol, gods, no gods, sex or whatever a person obesses (addiction) with becomes unhealthy. Finding small things that make you happy will only last so long. You have to be happy with who you are inside. Soapbox done!!

^^^ THIS! Well said! ^^^

gogojodee

This post made me really sad. I hardly ever respond to posts about psych/mental and emotional disorders but felt the need - find a therapist that you feel comfortable talking with. It helps a ton. Try searching for ED support groups within the area or even NAMI for support groups for depression. You don't have to feel this way and you're definitely NOT alone. I'm a Generalized Anxiety Disorder sufferer and can relate with the depression. :hugs:

Pinkigloopyxie

Mate, most people are miserable and drown it out with either.booze, drugs, food, sex, or money. This is just life. You can either keep worrying about it forever or just let go and do what you want.

I'm constantly disassociated and can't relate to people, I'm unsocialized and paranoid, can't open up to counselors because I don't trust they actually care. Told myself 'I never want to numb myself with booze or things, I want to try and evolve beyond that and see if you can be happy without having to 'cope' every day.

You know what, though? Just let go, relax. No one matters but yourself. Do what you want and ignore what society and everyone tells you you should be.

I'm losing weight to discover myself, it's like some crazy adventure where I unwrap the chocolate bar to find a golden ticket and visit Willy Wonka. New things and surprises around every corner.

I'll tell you what DOESN'T work though, mate.... doing the same thing day in and day out and expecting different results. Shake it up, try new things. Pills aren't a cure all because if I could take a pill that'd keep my mind calm and make every moment of life seem fantastic, I wouldn't even be here right now. I'd be hang gliding in Peru or something.

No one else knows what's going on with this 'life' thing either. It's long, it's difficult, and we've got nothing better to do than contemplate why we're even here in the first place.

photorific

Sounds like you've gotten rid of the extraneous "issue/s" and finally had to come to terms with the ACTUAL issue/s. I'd also vote for counseling... another resource may be OA (Overeaters Anonymous). :flowerforyou:

pennell12

Hi,

I just wanted to say that I feel for you. You have done a wonderful thing for yourself and you should feel good about that. I guess when we are overweight-and I am--we somehow tell ourselves that our lives will be perfect ONLY if we lose weight. Though losing the weight has made you most likely more healthy, It can't solve all of your-or mine-or anyone's issues. And believe ,me, we ALL have issues!

I agree with the other here that you need some personal support and someone to help you understand why you are feeling the way that you do. All therapist are not the same. Please find one who can work with you to help you understand what is making you so unhappy and driving you to feel that you must be perfect in all that you eat and do.

Perfection is not possible for any of us here. We can only work toward a balance of eating, exercising and living. YOUR BODY HAS GONE THROUGH MAJOR CHANGES. Perhaps your mind needs time to catch up!!!

get in touch if I can help more. I am not a therapist. Just another person struggling with food, weight etc.. Be kind to yourself!

Take good care of yourself,

Mari D.

TravisWS

Hi guys. I don't have the money to keep trying new therapists. They all seem to be in for the money. Can't blame them. I just...i wish I could just be an average guy. Who goes out to the burger joint with other guys and not worry about gaining weight.

FitXnX50

Average guy? How dull. Be yourself and find that middle balance. Take it from a gay guy: YOU define who you are - no one else - though plenty of people will try. You already know you aren't satisfied being too thin or too heavy, and that YOU are capable of both! Find your balance, knowing nothing in life is perfect or forever. I and others can tell you about free services, such as the peer support groups mentioned above, but you'll be the one to decide what you do. One thing that probably most people on this site have in common with you is that we've made excuses (too expensive, too hard, too inconvenient). I like hanging out with this positive clique of people who are at a point in life where they're, we're, saying Enough! Time for me to grow up and start taking care of myself.

Like on airplanes, attend to your own air mask, so that then you're able to turn around and help others. We're with you but not able to do it for you!

nursenessa1

Mate, most people are miserable and drown it out with either.booze, drugs, food, sex, or money. This is just life. You can either keep worrying about it forever or just let go and do what you want.

I'm constantly disassociated and can't relate to people, I'm unsocialized and paranoid, can't open up to counselors because I don't trust they actually care. Told myself 'I never want to numb myself with booze or things, I want to try and evolve beyond that and see if you can be happy without having to 'cope' every day.

You know what, though? Just let go, relax. No one matters but yourself. Do what you want and ignore what society and everyone tells you you should be.

I'm losing weight to discover myself, it's like some crazy adventure where I unwrap the chocolate bar to find a golden ticket and visit Willy Wonka. New things and surprises around every corner.

I'll tell you what DOESN'T work though, mate.... doing the same thing day in and day out and expecting different results. Shake it up, try new things. Pills aren't a cure all because if I could take a pill that'd keep my mind calm and make every moment of life seem fantastic, I wouldn't even be here right now. I'd be hang gliding in Peru or something.

No one else knows what's going on with this 'life' thing either. It's long, it's difficult, and we've got nothing better to do than contemplate why we're even here in the first place.

NIce.

sophieclarev

Mate, I really feel for you. Many of my friends and family (including my husband, mother in law and brother) suffer from depression. They all dealt with it in different ways. The way I've seen the best results is from medication. I'm not saying you should take meds but to consider a discussion with your Doctor about what they might suggest. There are more ways around depression than therapy. Which is sooooo lucky considering I wouldn't be able to get my hubby in to talk to someone if my life depended on it!

Don't give up Sweetie.

janenightingale

Your OP and subsequent replies made me very sad. Listen to all the good advice you are being given - there ARE good therapists and it is possible that medication might help. When I was depressed it took a long time for me to recognise it. Eventually I went to my GP and he gave me some anti-depressants. After three weeks or so (they take time to kick in) it felt like my head was starting to clear. I then went to a counsellor and was in the right mental place to get the help I needed. You are surrounded by support here but as FitXnX50 said - we're with you but not able to do it for you.

MsDandimite

I wish there were magical words that we strangers could offer you that would instantly heal you and mend your soul. As you see, so many of us have struggled or are still struggling with anxiety, depression or other soul and self crushing things. Desperation is a good thing, even though it hurts and is confusing. It usually means your you is fighting back.
If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to add me if you wish. I'm not a professional, but I've been my way to the deeps and back. Please know that you can get out of this, it is possible. It will hurt on the way and it might not be easy, but you've proven to yourself that you can do what you set out to do, right?
Hugs.

gramacanada

There MUST be Somewhere in the States to get free Mental Health Care. Isn't there? The tone of you post is worrisome.
Please continue to look for help. We all care. Private message sent.