i feel like being confident is selfish... :S

beekuzz

OMG. .. . me too. Guess it's more common than we know. Will be interested to see what other folks have to say.

WakingUp

There's a "confidence" which is not confidence but ego, and it judges others, and there's a confidence which has love for self and others at it's base. Egoic judging of others and lack of compassion are to be avoided; don't call those things confidence. Good luck!! Keep your eyes open on the inner landscape and you will be fine with loving yourself and others.

alladream

There are a lot of good suggestions here, especially reading Pema Chodron and Cheryl Huber's book "There's Nothing Wrong With You", since it is so sadly common for people to have poor self-esteem after someone has been really unkind and abusive to them. The thing that helped me the most, since I wanted to help people and benefit others, was that I figured out I WOULD BE BETTER AT HELPING OTHERS IF I ALLOWED MYSELF TO DO WELL AND HAVE SELF-CONFIDENCE, and it worked. Sometimes we can make an effort *on behalf of others* that we might not make on our own behalf because of some confusion about 'deserving' or other mistaken understanding. Maybe something like this will work for some of the people here--I hope so, because no one ever deserves to be abused, and it is so very sad that so many are. Best wishes to all of us!

Meg_78

For me, I followed the mantra of "fake it till you make it" I used to be reasonably shy and mousey, at least around people didn't know well, but through the anonymity of the internet I was able to become more outgoing, and more my inner person, on the outside. I also think with age, I have gotten to the point in life, when I stopped caring as much whether people liked me or not, and I just decided it was time to be the me that pleased me, and fruck the rest!! And that was a huge confidence booster.

Also, more importantly I found a group of AMAZING women on another site (then we migrated here) who really boosted up my self confidence, just because there are sooo damn amazing and they are still the ones that pick me up when I have a "fugly on the floor" day...

You need to learn to wake up each morning and say to your self..."World, I am one Awesome Bish!" Or as my old profile pic used to say..."I love me...You should too!"

PreshelledPistachio

I know exactly what you mean, I have the same problem. When we grow up our parents and teachers tell us that looks don't matter, it's what is on the inside that counts, that working hard at school is more important than having the latest fashions or whatever. Even in the media, celebrities that take a lot of care over their appearance are criticised, people call them vain and stupid and a waste of space. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Katie Price, Victoria Beckham, everyone seems to hate them. So I now find it almost impossible to take care of my appearance without feeling like a terrible person. I wear clothes until they fall apart and I still feel guilty for buying new ones to replace them. I hate myself for being ugly and trampy but I can't try to wear nice clothes or do my hair, because that's vain and selfish and would make me a bad person.

Sorry I don't have the answer to your question, I just wanted to say that I feel the same.

pa_jorg

I think it's a mindset and unfortunately there isn't one set path to get there. Do your best to make time for and be good to yourself and hopefully you'll get there sooner rather than later. And this fitness journey on MFP will most likely help too. :flowerforyou:

Priincess_Natalie

For me, I followed the mantra of "fake it till you make it" I used to be reasonably shy and mousey, at least around people didn't know well, but through the anonymity of the internet I was able to become more outgoing, and more my inner person, on the outside. I also think with age, I have gotten to the point in life, when I stopped caring as much whether people liked me or not, and I just decided it was time to be the me that pleased me, and fruck the rest!! And that was a huge confidence booster.

Also, more importantly I found a group of AMAZING women on another site (then we migrated here) who really boosted up my self confidence, just because there are sooo damn amazing and they are still the ones that pick me up when I have a "fugly on the floor" day...

You need to learn to wake up each morning and say to your self..."World, I am one Awesome Bish!" Or as my old profile pic used to say..."I love me...You should too!"

I you!

Meg speaks truth! Fake it until you make it but also surround yourself with confident women that will tell you how amazing you are. I can tell you that Meg and my other MFP friends and friends from the other website have done wonders for my self-esteem/confidence!

It's not selfish to feel good about yourself. I used to cower because I had such a low self-esteem but then, much like Meg, a combination of wonderful friends and age gave me the boost I needed to say to hell with negative thoughts and worrying what others think!

Don't forget, confidence is the sexiest thing a lady can wear :bigsmile:

drog2323

I have had the worst self esteem for years, due to being emotionally and physically abused for most of my life.
I have decided screw this, I wanna be happy. I wanna be happy with myself and why shouldn't I be, I'm the only me in the world.

But I feel like being confident is selfish... :S how do I get past this feeling?

Whats wrong with being selfish for wanting to be happy!? Enjoy it and embrace it. Time to focus on u.

zestyzaftig

My parents were abusive and very narcissistic. I was lucky enough to have enough anger from their treatment to where I've never been abused by my various romantic partners throughout the years, but regardless, the self-destructive perspective mom and dad instilled fed itself without continued repression from others. It's weird, I've always felt confident that I can understand/learn ANYTHING (to the point of arrogance), but the issue of whether I deserve to use my abilities to my advantage? Totally different issue. Self-confidence in my abilities has always been high, but self-esteem in actually executing my abilities and enjoying the rewards has been a difficult journey of acceptance.

The only way I've found to really get past feeling guilty for having healthy self-esteem is to realize when I emotionally start punishing myself for feeling successful and confident. It's tiresome at first to always be monitoring myself, but it falls into a healthy rhythm that requires less and less effort.

The catalyst that started the process of repairing my broken esteem was when I tried to think of how I would be, emotionally and psychologically, in 20 years if I didn't do something NOW to help myself. That scared me sufficiently to immediately start the healing process. :-)

MyOwnSunshine

I'm not sure where you are in your process, but the first thing you have to do is to separate yourself (physically and emotionally) from the people who physically and emotionally abused you.

If the abuse came from your family of origin, I would recommend severely reducing contact with them, as they are the people that you probably feel you need to make happy, and they will only reinforce the fact that you should make them happy at your own expense.

Next, you need to think about whether it is possible for someone who is miserable, unhappy and unhealthy to make other people happy. If you are dealing with healthy, well-adjusted people, they would probably be happy if you were happy. Does that make sense?

The only people who will be happy if you are miserable and feel bad about yourself are emotionally unstable themselves.

Start surrounding yourself with happy, stable, healthy people. They will inspire you and be happy that you care for yourself. Get rid of the toxic, using, dramatic, energy-draining, soul-sucking people in your life.

mvasallo

I have a similar background. The first thing I think is that maybe the abuse has changed your way of thinking. Somewhere in your mind you believe you are not deserving of attention. Not even from yourself. Which could easily translate into feeling like you are being selfish. Example (a bit far fetched maybe): Because of all the abuse I went through I have trouble dating nice, kind men with intact families & good childhoods. Why? Because I feel as if I am broken & they deserve someone who isn't. It feels selfish to me to be in a relationship like that. I'm more comfortable in a relationship where my attention is on helping the other person... Anyway it sounds to me like you need to give yourself permission to love yourself & truly begin to believe that you ARE worth positive attention. Keep your head up

kiddoc88

That's a great attitude and choice to decide to be happy. Being happy and confident is far from selfish- It's healthy. and you know what- It might wear off on others too! I hear its contagious. And for those around you who might not be happy remember what has helped you and use it to encourage.. it doesn't take away from empathy... not everyone can be chipper all the time.The way I look at it is every feeling is real and valid.. it's how you choose to act (or not) upon it that matters, and that's a choice that's up to each individual.I try to remember this when I feel like my empathy and encouragement don't work to help cheer others up.


'I kinda feel like I shouldn't be thinking about myself or doing anything to help myself or make me happy, but should only try to make others' happy.. '
-I feel this way too sometimes. What I really love is doing a lot of volunteering because it makes me happy to be able to help out others and make them happy. Or baking.. doing little thoughtful things for people. Their gratitude gives me joy.

I also echo this
"If you don't take care of yourself, you really can't do anything as effectively as you'd like to. If you aren't healthy in body, mind and spirit, you're always keeping a bit of yourself back, even from the people with whom you feel the closest. "

and this

"Plus, you can't truly give to others unless you can see the value and gifts within yourself."

Taking care of yourself enables you to be a better everything to those around you!

Shadowsan

The best way to think of it is...

You paid your dues by not being confident for so long. And you also did whatever it took to allow you to believe in yourself. So you deserve to be confident, and nobody should take that away from you.

zestyzaftig

If the abuse came from your family of origin, I would recommend severely reducing contact with them, as they are the people that you probably feel you need to make happy, and they will only reinforce the fact that you should make them happy at your own expense.

^ This too, forgot to mention it in my earlier post. It took an entire year of having zero contact with my father (mother is deceased) before the healing process began on its own, without my having to "force it".

SingeSange

If you don't take care of yourself, you really can't do anything as effectively as you'd like to. If you aren't healthy in body, mind and spirit, you're always keeping a bit of yourself back, even from the people with whom you feel the closest.

When you look at it that way, you begin to feel that taking care of yourself is a responsibility and actually aids you in helping and supporting those around you.

Bump.

ashesfromfire

It's easy - be so f u * * i n g fabulous that it is impossible not to be confident - worked for me for 20 years

zgochenour

OP should read some Ayn Rand.

TrimAnew

OP should read some Ayn Rand.

I was actually thinking of the same thing. You don't have to buy into her entire philosophy (she had a lot to say about gov't, business, money, etc that people interpret in, um, interesting ways... especially on the far right), but she did make some pretty good points that you might like to consider about the importance of the ego and being selfish sometimes. Anthem was actually one of my favorite required reading books from high school. (It's a novel about individualism vs collectivism, set in a distopia where collectivism is taken to the extreme so much so that people don't have real names. The individualistic protagonist/main character searches for happiness and meaning in his life ever since his society forced him to be a street sweeper instead of a scholar like he dreamed of being.)

Here are a few examples from her works:

"To say "I love you" one must first be able to say the I.' "

"I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."

"To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love—because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone."

"[Selfless love] would have to mean that you derive no personal pleasure or happiness from the company and the existence of the person you love, and that you are motivated only by self-sacrificial pity for that person’s need of you. I don’t have to point out to you that no one would be flattered by, nor would accept, a concept of that kind. Love is not self-sacrifice, but the most profound assertion of your own needs and values. It is for your own happiness that you need the person you love, and that is the greatest compliment, the greatest tribute you can pay to that person."

"One gains a profoundly personal, selfish joy from the mere existence of the person one loves. It is one’s own personal, selfish happiness that one seeks, earns and derives from love. A 'selfless,' 'disinterested' love is a contradiction in terms: it means that one is indifferent to that which one values. Concern for the welfare of those one loves is a rational part of one’s selfish interests. If a man who is passionately in love with his wife spends a fortune to cure her of a dangerous illness, it would be absurd to claim that he does it as a 'sacrifice' for her sake, not his own, and that it makes no difference to him, personally and selfishly, whether she lives or dies."

tonybalony01

I hate the fact that you went through what you did. No one deserves that. But you've made a great decision to begin this incredible journey of transformation emotionally, mentally and physically.
Don't worry about feeling selfish. Just as you did, you sometimes have to put your foot down, say "Screw it all. I'm doing this for me," and go do it.
If it's selfish to want to be healthier, eat better and improve yourself, then there are loads of selfish people right here on MFP, and we're all here to help you out.
I saw this blog last week and thought it was awesome. It's a pretty good overview of the journey you've started. Hope it helps you, because it sure encourage me.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/yoovie/view/people-who-reach-goal-weight-are-a-holes-408711