Am I the only one who GAINED weight during divorce??

MayberryMama

Here I am, sitting on the corner of Rejected and Heartbroken, divorce papers in hand, ready for my final court date on Friday when I will sign away the last 13 years of my life - and what do I have to show for the last 3 miserable months of procedings? An extra 20 lbs.

That's right - I managed to put on TWENTY lbs in three months. And everyone I talk to says, "Oh man, when I went thru my divorce, I was at my skinniest, I lost like 50 lbs. I just couldn't eat anything!!" Well let me tell you, I just can't PASS UP anything! I have gone from being a beach body coach who runs 5Ks and only shops at the healthfood store, to the chick you see in line at walmart wearing sweat pants and flip-flops pushing a basket full of ice cream, frozen pizzas and cheetos. I know I am just as msierable and unhappy as anyone else in this situation, so why is it I am able to not only eat, but eat twice as much as ever and only eat total and absolute CRAP??

Saw a friend this weekend who went thru a divorce about a year ago. She is like a size 2 now and is complaining that she is getting fat. Um, are ya blind?? Then I go home to my empty house (because it's "his" week with the kids) and turn on the TV and just eat, eat, eat. You would think that seeing my skinny friend would motivate me to knock it off, but it hasn't.

The worst part is the cause of the divorce. My 38 year old husband took up with a 22 year old girl the size of my (now empty) ring finger. And when we go to court on Friday I am going to be the fat old wife, and it's going to make me want to hit every drive thru on the way back to town. My kids went back to school today, so I am missing that first week of school with them, my divorce is finalizing on Friday, my house is empty and lonely, and Dairy Queen is less than three miles from my house.

Wow, that all sounds so depressing and pathetic. I guess I just need some advice on how to get off this binging roller-coaster and back on track in the midst of what feels like the end of the world.

Anybody been thru this? How did you survive?

Thanks in advance!

RLDeShazo

After my seperation late last year, I started gaining weight. I don't know how much, because before I started here, I hadn't weighed myself in probably about a year. I was spiralling into a depression. But I got a hold of myself and knew since I had already made one big change (ending my marriage) it was time to make changes to everything else.

I am much happier now. I feel better about myself and don't want to kill my ex every time I see him anymore (not EVERY time).

solamentemama

Nope. I put on 30+ pounds that year. We gain because we are emotional eaters which means that we eat because food makes us feel better. Its still something I struggle with presently although my divorce is many years past. Its the incredible stress of the divorce and all the side losses that occur with it that makes it so difficult. My strongest suggestion is a good therapist or divorce support group. Get involved in a local bike club or hiking club or fitness club for those days when the children are not at home. Stay active as possible, it will keep your mind busy and reduce some of your stress. You will get through this but its going to be hard and it will take time. Thoughts, peace, love and prayers.

redscylla

I gained 30 lbs during the course of my divorce, and I'm the one who divorced the idiot. So I feel for you. If you felt dumped (and for a younger woman), I bet it was easy to fill that empty spot with food. I am finally reaching the end of losing the 30 lbs. I gained. (Or I hope I am.) Then I get to work on losing the 50 lbs. I gained over the ten years of my miserable marriage.

I wish I had good advice for you. I suppose "living well is the best revenge." I'm trying to accomplish that, but not often succeeding. My main technique is redirection. When I'm headed toward eating things I know I shouldn't, I start working through my list of alternate activities that aren't eating.

samblanken

When I got divorced I didn't eat much but it's a miracle I didn't kill myself with alcohol. And oh yea did I put on some pounds. At the time I really didn't care either. At least we didn't have kids so that made it easier to just eliminate the *kitten* from my life. In retrospect I wish I hadn't just fallen off the wagon. I am finding it so very difficult to get back on it. I'll go for a week or two and then find myself unmotivated. Or take this week for instance, I've been doing P90X at home. The front half of my house, including my P90X room, has no power. And I'm working 16 hour days this week so no chance for workouts, or to get an electrician out to fix things.

My advice to you, use the time when you are alone, without the kiddos and the cheating *kitten* ex husband (hope that doens't offend you but that is what I call my ex) and work on you! Want to eat ice cream? Go for a walk instead. Want to eat cheetos? Do a work out DVD. You'll be glad you did.

I remember what it was like, sometimes you just need someone to talk to who has been through it. Friend me up !

anrev42

I was the same way, I gained weight during and after my divorce. I basically used food as comfort and didn't care. I was so focus on all the hurt and negatives for so long. So, you are not alone. What got me through is support from my church, my faith and support of friends. Take one day at a time. Expect that you'll have your ups and downs and don't be hard on yourself! Slowly, you will find the strength to pick up and move forward with your children....put yourself PRIORITY first, focus on being healthy and happy....then everything else will follow. Feel free to add me

MayberryMama

Thanks girls, you all make me feel so much better!! You are right, instead of spending my alone time eating, I should be doing something productive. I imagine I have a touch of depression or something cuz I am just not interested in my usual activites. But I am a big believer in "fake it till you make it" so I suppose this is one of those times where that applies.

I have a great support system here, (did I mention we moved from AZ to Texas last year to be near HIS family - and I have ZERO family here?) but I have made some awesome friends and have a bunch of great folks at church that care about me so that's a plus. It's just that at night, they go home to their families, and I go home to Ben & Jerry.

Maybe I will start a little group for folks dealing with divorce and weight issues. Think people would be interested in that sort of thing?

Pipergirl2

I've been there!!! Yes, the house is empty and you miss the kids but use this time for YOU. When I went thru that time in my life, I would get so depressed every time my kids walked out that door (they were only 2) and yes, the girlfriend was much younger and yes, so skinny. I finally decided to use the money I was spending on junk food to change my whole house one room at a time. Bought some paint, new sheets, curtains, absolutely EVERYTHING! My kids loved coming home to see what I did and I was so busy I didn't have time to think about all the junk food.
Just sign those papers and don't look back, it's going to be hard, but this is your chance for a fresh start. This is YOU time. Don't get me wrong, I love having my kids come thru that door on Sunday nights, but I have built in me time starting every other Friday night.

Sharyn913

It's emotional eating. You need to be strong mentally to combat this head on. Since you are great at 5Ks, instead of going to eat something, tell yourself you are better and stronger than this, and go run a 5K? Each time you want to binge, go run a 5K and try to beat your previous time.

Remember that the Lord is in control. It is better to please Him, than your ex. Don't let him bring you down!

butterfly0475

I lost the bulk of my weight prior to my divorce and lost an additional 10 during the court hearings. I have since gained back 2-3 years 20 of the 60. It's very hard to get motivated again especially when you NEVER thoguht it was going to happen. I can suggest the following as I had folks tell me the same thing: STOP your self pity. Focus on you and your kids and make yourself a role model for everyone. You know that after exercise you feel better. It takes time and little steps equal one long journey but you owe it to yourself to take you 1st now. I was married 10 together 15 and still in some ways bitter for all that happened but 5 years later I am soo thankful for my do over. I am happier and healthier and focus on me! Prayers your way. We are here to support you! XOXO

TanyaGirl76

I gained about 10 lbs when I did!

taunto

Different people deal with things like this differently. Many, under stress can't eat. Some find comfort in food in high stress times.

Just like you, I eat a lot more under stress which is why I have a hard time avoid food under stress nowadays.

Good luck with the weight loss and sorry to hear about your divorce

jcstanton

Here I am, sitting on the corner of Rejected and Heartbroken, divorce papers in hand, ready for my final court date on Friday when I will sign away the last 13 years of my life - and what do I have to show for the last 3 miserable months of procedings? An extra 20 lbs.

That's right - I managed to put on TWENTY lbs in three months. And everyone I talk to says, "Oh man, when I went thru my divorce, I was at my skinniest, I lost like 50 lbs. I just couldn't eat anything!!" Well let me tell you, I just can't PASS UP anything! I have gone from being a beach body coach who runs 5Ks and only shops at the healthfood store, to the chick you see in line at walmart wearing sweat pants and flip-flops pushing a basket full of ice cream, frozen pizzas and cheetos. I know I am just as msierable and unhappy as anyone else in this situation, so why is it I am able to not only eat, but eat twice as much as ever and only eat total and absolute CRAP??

Saw a friend this weekend who went thru a divorce about a year ago. She is like a size 2 now and is complaining that she is getting fat. Um, are ya blind?? Then I go home to my empty house (because it's "his" week with the kids) and turn on the TV and just eat, eat, eat. You would think that seeing my skinny friend would motivate me to knock it off, but it hasn't.

The worst part is the cause of the divorce. My 38 year old husband took up with a 22 year old girl the size of my (now empty) ring finger. And when we go to court on Friday I am going to be the fat old wife, and it's going to make me want to hit every drive thru on the way back to town. My kids went back to school today, so I am missing that first week of school with them, my divorce is finalizing on Friday, my house is empty and lonely, and Dairy Queen is less than three miles from my house.

Wow, that all sounds so depressing and pathetic. I guess I just need some advice on how to get off this binging roller-coaster and back on track in the midst of what feels like the end of the world.

Anybody been thru this? How did you survive?

Thanks in advance!

Nope, you're definitely not alone on that one. I gained nearly forty pounds within six months after my ex and I separated. Some people stop eating when they get depressed, others eat more. You and I are, unfortunately, part of the latter group.

MsTT80

I gained during the break up of the marriage and in the first couple of months after he left, but I used the divorce as a new start and it has been a big factor in my decision to really loose some pounds along with meeting someone new.

Becoming_A_Butterfly

I did not gain weight when I got divorced (the weight gain came later!), but I totally understand emotional eating and being depressed after a divorce. It is a massive change in your life and a loss. I tried hard to see it as a new chapter in my life and to embrace it as best I could: I couldn't control it, it was happening whether I liked it or not, so I wanted to make the pain worth something in my own life.

Being sad and feeling depressed is very understandable. But don't define yourself by how you think your ex-husband sees you, or how anyone else might perceive you. Think about what you want, what you could do with the time you are home alone, what you would like to accomplish now to make you happy. It may be hard to shift to thinking that way, but it is worth it.

shimila1101

I had lost a lot of weight before I filed for divorce from my psycho ex, just because I wanted to lose the weight. The best advice I have is to get some therapy. It really helped me not derail and keep on the path I wanted to stay on. It also really helped with sorting through all the emotions I was going through and helping me rediscover myself and get my confidence (that he had bashed into the ground) back.

My best revenge was looking really good at the court hearing and mediation while he had put on weight, and standing up to him and fighting for what I wanted.

Even though I didn't gain, I still understand the emotional rollercoaster it puts you through.

Best of luck!

njmp

I pretty much survived on cookies and vodka for awhile. I did gain weight but I don't remember how much because I was drunk.:drinker: :drinker:
Seriously though, you sound like you are really struggling. My heart goes out to you. I hope you consider going to a counsellor. It helps believe it or not.
AND the truth is, you're not going to come out of this funk until you are ready. It took me a long time, a long long time, and I do not like what I see when I look back at the person I was during that time, however... I acknowledge that I was trying to cope using a vice. Maybe not the best way to do things, but that, along with support from family and friends, is what got me through. You can't be perfect AND heartbroken...something's gotta give.
Hugs going out your way...

jcstanton

Here I am, sitting on the corner of Rejected and Heartbroken, divorce papers in hand, ready for my final court date on Friday when I will sign away the last 13 years of my life - and what do I have to show for the last 3 miserable months of procedings? An extra 20 lbs.

That's right - I managed to put on TWENTY lbs in three months. And everyone I talk to says, "Oh man, when I went thru my divorce, I was at my skinniest, I lost like 50 lbs. I just couldn't eat anything!!" Well let me tell you, I just can't PASS UP anything! I have gone from being a beach body coach who runs 5Ks and only shops at the healthfood store, to the chick you see in line at walmart wearing sweat pants and flip-flops pushing a basket full of ice cream, frozen pizzas and cheetos. I know I am just as msierable and unhappy as anyone else in this situation, so why is it I am able to not only eat, but eat twice as much as ever and only eat total and absolute CRAP??

Saw a friend this weekend who went thru a divorce about a year ago. She is like a size 2 now and is complaining that she is getting fat. Um, are ya blind?? Then I go home to my empty house (because it's "his" week with the kids) and turn on the TV and just eat, eat, eat. You would think that seeing my skinny friend would motivate me to knock it off, but it hasn't.

The worst part is the cause of the divorce. My 38 year old husband took up with a 22 year old girl the size of my (now empty) ring finger. And when we go to court on Friday I am going to be the fat old wife, and it's going to make me want to hit every drive thru on the way back to town. My kids went back to school today, so I am missing that first week of school with them, my divorce is finalizing on Friday, my house is empty and lonely, and Dairy Queen is less than three miles from my house.

Wow, that all sounds so depressing and pathetic. I guess I just need some advice on how to get off this binging roller-coaster and back on track in the midst of what feels like the end of the world.

Anybody been thru this? How did you survive?

Thanks in advance!

Think of some activities you can do while the kids are gone. Stuff that keeps you moving and out of the house. Go for a long walk in a local park, go for a leisurely bike ride, etc... My best advice, use the time by yourself to work on YOU. Do things you've always wanted to do, but never had time to do. Go through the house and throw out all the junk food, then go shopping for heatlhy foods. If you can, look into getting a gym membership. It's a great way to refocus and get yourself pumped up about making healthier choices for you and your family. Between now and Friday, go out and buy yourself a really nice outfit, get a new hairdo and some new makeup, then walk into that courtroom with your head held high. HE'S the cheater, you shouldn't be the one to feel like crap about it.

misalillstead

Maybe I will start a little group for folks dealing with divorce and weight issues. Think people would be interested in that sort of thing?

I think this would be a good idea! I was with my ex for 9 years, never married... but it still stung when things went south. In a way, I started my own little support group and met up with my friends more often. We'd go out to dinner, coffee... or just go for walks and talk, talk, talk. It really helped. You are not alone... Add me, if you'd like!

Nichole71

I've gained 20 pounds over the course of the past year. My divorce will be final as September 12, 2012.

A counselor is really, really helpful if you would consider it. It helped me work thru the anger, guilt and sadness. I found out putting on weight can be a protection mechanism..like putting on armour.

Sending lots of good vibes your way..

p.s. I think your idea for a group is most excellent!

JuneyJo

Here I am, sitting on the corner of Rejected and Heartbroken, divorce papers in hand, ready for my final court date on Friday when I will sign away the last 13 years of my life - and what do I have to show for the last 3 miserable months of procedings? An extra 20 lbs.

My kids went back to school today, so I am missing that first week of school with them, my divorce is finalizing on Friday, my house is empty and lonely, and Dairy Queen is less than three miles from my house.

Anybody been thru this? How did you survive?

I hear ya! When I got divorced after 9 years of marriage, my ex lost weight and I gained. He started "dating" all over town and I was living with my mother, trying to get on my feet. I moved out of "our" house in November 2010 and my ex is getting married this Saturday. His fiancee is (fortunately for my ego) taller and wider than me and not as cute. When she moved in with him (less than a year after our separation), they started going to the gym every day and I was in a new job, still struggling to pull things together. I also have a hard time during "his week" with the kids.
What saved me (totally different from where you are) is that all their work at the gym did NOTHING. Before I lost a single pound, I was still in better shape than her. Now she's pregnant and milking it for all it's worth.

I finally figured out that all the BS he put me through was, in fact, NOT my fault. I have accepted that I let him emotionally abuse me, but I did NOT deserve it. I got away from it and I am now a better person. Everything is a struggle on a single income when he can't seem to pay child support on time, while he sits in his nice house with their new cars in the garage next to her Jaguar. He got his sugar mama, but I got something MUCH more valuable - my pride back.

You did NOT deserve to be cheated on. You did NOT deserve to have things fall apart on you. But now that you are getting through it, look toward the future and what you want to give to your kids. If a long, healthy, happy life is on that list, you're on the right track by being here with us. Make little changes every day to help yourself keep to that track.

Some people need big, dramatic changes - join a gym, get a trainer, change your diet, jump in with both feet and never look back. Other's need baby steps... I'm an "other." I have a friend who is a beachbody coach and she inspired me to step up and help her achieve *her* goals (once she figured out that I didn't value my goals enough). I bailed on the first 90-Day Challenge we tried when I hit another rough patch. But this time... something struck me. She had said it before, but I didn't believe it. But, you know what, I DO deserve to be healthy and happy and I CAN make it happen.

The pain doesn't go away overnight. I was over my ex before I left him, but you don't go into a marriage expecting it to end. It's a brutal process, regardless of the circumstances. If you want to talk, feel free to message me any time. Our stories are different, but we've hit some of the same roadblocks, it seems.

Hang in there and BELIEVE in yourself! ((hugs))

MayberryMama

You are all so wonderful! I just want to reach into the computer and hug you all up at once!! You made me feel better, like I am not alone in all this and that people actually do come out the other side.

I am going to take the advice many of you gave and start to focus on myself and getting healthy and doing fun things for myself when the kids are away. Last night instead of sitting in my lonely house, I did go out and run a few miles and it felt great! And then I treated myself to a hot bath and painted my toes. I woke up this morning and things didn't look so bleak. Now, on Friday when I have to face him in court, I may be singing a different tune! But I have faith that this is just a step on the journey and God HAS to have something better in store for me that is worth all this pain.

I hope everyone has a great week - thanks for sharing your stories with us, it makes people (ME!) feel less alone!

TrimAnew

I've never been in your situation and hope I never am, but as just a shot in the dark, you could try:

I have gone from being a beach body coach who runs 5Ks and only shops at the healthfood store, to the chick you see in line at walmart wearing sweat pants and flip-flops pushing a basket full of ice cream, frozen pizzas and cheetos.

Get a new cookbook and try to make something new every day or at least once a week. That way you have reason to shop for higher quality ingredients and the cooking will take up your time when you're alone. You could also try cooking with friends once a week so that you don't always have to cook for one (when it's his week with the kids). Or cook and freeze meals so that when you do have the kids, you and spend more time with them and less in the kitchen.

Then I go home to my empty house (because it's "his" week with the kids) and turn on the TV and just eat, eat, eat.

Pick up a new hobby or class at a local rec center, local college, or gym during "his" weeks if you can. Or schedule in some volunteer work, such as walking dogs at the local pet shelter.

Dairy Queen is less than three miles from my house.

So go, but run/walk there. Order something small. Sit and enjoy it. Then run back. Eventually, you can try packing a snack or running a route that doesn't go past the DQ. For example, you could run past a grocery store and get a piece of fruit instead.

If you don't already keep a journal, you might think of starting one. You could even take it with you on your runs/walks so that you can write in it while you are someplace other than your house.

If you got the house, spend time cleaning and reorganizing or redecorating. Change the space so that it reminds you less of what was before.

megansoriano

I have a lingering "divorce". I left my ex two years ago and he decided to fall off the face of the earth when I kept asking him to sign papers. Two years later he contacted me in a rush to get a divorce because he wants to get married to someone else. Completely over him but I think the lack of closure on the situation and the unaswered questions has led to lots of stress and emotional eating. I love twenty pounds but the past few months I have gained it all back.

Rubie81

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this. Sending you cyber hugs and strength. I went through something similar on May 8, 2011. Husband cheated on my with a 25 year-old (I'm 30) and he basically wanted nothing to do with me and the kids. He was so madly in love with this woman who he barely knew. It was approaching our 6 year wedding anniversary. And my son was only one. Madness. Talk about being depressed and feeling utterly alone. It's been more than a year now and I am in a better place, but not fully recuperated and not yet divorced, either. I still hurt and sometimes I am still in shock. Hang in there. Focus all your anger on doing things for yourself.

This quote motivated me a lot: "Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change." Malcolm X

You've got this, girl!

abberbabber

When I started talking to my husband about getting a divorce, I gained back about 10 of the 70 pounds I'd lost. I felt like I couldn't talk to him about anything, so I just ate instead.

I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. I hope it gets better for you as time goes on. You're not alone here! :flowerforyou:

postrockandcats

Been there, done that sans kids. You had the rug pulled out from under you and of COURSE you're going to have an emotional reaction. But, this time is YOURS now. Good for you for running instead of eating! Be good to yourself and be glad that you're not with a man who doesn't respect you.

sensored44

I've been there!!! Yes, the house is empty and you miss the kids but use this time for YOU. When I went thru that time in my life, I would get so depressed every time my kids walked out that door (they were only 2) and yes, the girlfriend was much younger and yes, so skinny. I finally decided to use the money I was spending on junk food to change my whole house one room at a time. Bought some paint, new sheets, curtains, absolutely EVERYTHING! My kids loved coming home to see what I did and I was so busy I didn't have time to think about all the junk food.
Just sign those papers and don't look back, it's going to be hard, but this is your chance for a fresh start. This is YOU time. Don't get me wrong, I love having my kids come thru that door on Sunday nights, but I have built in me time starting every other Friday night.

What a fabulous idea... distraction and change...

AlphamaleBAMF

Wow, that all sounds so depressing and pathetic. I guess I just need some advice on how to get off this binging roller-coaster and back on track in the midst of what feels like the end of the world.

Anybody been thru this? How did you survive?

Hit the gym. Every day. Put on some music. Run your butt off. Elliptical, bike whatever. Really get your heart rate up and keep it there. It will lift you from depression and help you feel better about yourself and your body and give you more confidence. Learn to be a single person again. And try to be the most awesome single person you can.

I've just come through this myself and I'm not really out the other side. You're in for a rough patch that is for sure, and it will take you time to recover. I don't envy you I sure wouldn't want to go through it again. But take care of yourself ok? Things will get better with time.

sensored44

I've been there..

Use the time to do things for YOU. You are a mom, and were in a long term relationship, so doing things for you was probably last on your list. It's time.. especially when you are on your own to make time for you.

Develop curiousity about who you are, not as a mother and not as a wife. Take up a hobby that you have always wanted to try. It doesn't have to be exercise based, but it does have to be something out of the house! Once you take the first step... the next is a little easier, and the next easier... until you are wondering how you ever lived any other way...

Good Luck... and one things for sure, there's a lot here willing to chime in with support and kudos!!

rayraex

I'm sorry you are going through this. Some people can't eat when they go through extreme stress, others find comfort in eating more. I haven't gone through a divorce, but I, too, tend to eat when I am stressed. I manage those temptations by finding alternative ways to manage my stress besides eating. Instead of sitting in front of the TV drowning my sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, I will go for a run or hit the gym. I find that I eat much less when I am more active because the exercise helps reduce the stress and I feel better about myself. Also, keep yourself busy and surround yourself with support. Connect with an old friend by asking her out to coffee one day. You are stronger than you realize. Be confident and powerful.