Compulsive Overeaters

SamanthaYeaton

Ok, I've recently acknowledged that I have a compulsive eating problem and I needed somewhere to get my thoughts out, so here they are:

ME, as an overeater.

I tend to eat very large meals followed by several snacks or desserts. If I stop eating for a while it’s usually because I’ve decided what my next meal will be and I want to have enough room for it. I get disappointed if I have a meal I’m excited about and then can’t finish it. Although I usually finish it anyway. When I go out to get food, I usually buy the meal I intend to eat and then a little extra for “later” because I don’t want to run out of food and have to go back out to get more. I feel restless if there’s not something good nearby to eat the next time I feel like eating.

I eat in secret and lie about it. I go out of my way to hide wrappers from what I’ve eaten. I’ve rearranged my schedule and canceled plans so I can go home and eat alone. I get excited about the nights my boyfriend works late because I can eat whatever I want. I have intolerance to dairy but I haven’t been successful in giving it up yet. Cheese has always been my favorite food and I feel like I can’t enjoy food without cheese. I feel bitterness and grief that I’m not allowed to eat it anymore and I still eat it in secret. I tend to eat very quickly and take very big bites. I’ve always felt that this is how I enjoy my food best.

I have a very hard time with certain flavors, textures, smells, temperatures, consistencies, etc. due to my sensory processing difficulties. I also wonder sometimes if, similar to my severe aversion to certain tastes and textures, I have an abnormal attraction to others. I’ve never known anyone else who loved a food like I love cheese. However, I only have my own experiences to go by, so I don’t know what the experience of eating feels like to others.

I don’t like being fat. I don’t like the way my body looks in or out of clothes. I don’t like having to squeeze into my clothes. I don’t like feeling like I’m not in control of myself. I’m a smart, capable person and I’ve conquered countless obstacles in my life so I feel particularly pathetic that I can’t seem to do something as simple as not eating myself into oblivion. Sometimes I feel really optimistic and I’m sure that I can turn my habits around and be healthy. Other times I feel like it’s not worth trying because the food is so good I won’t be able to stop myself. It’s hard to believe in the former for too long a time because all of my history supports the latter. I feel like food is a drug for me that numbs me and makes me feel satisfied. But it’s obviously not a permanent satisfaction because I feel an overwhelming need to keep eating more and more. I can go for periods of time (from one meal to a few days) without over eating and without eating high fat/high calorie foods. But eventually I feel so on edge that I tell myself it’s ok to indulge and then I go overboard. I consider myself a peaceful, calm person, but when I feel deprived of the foods that make me feel better I get anxious and irritable about being kept from those foods even when I’m the one trying to keep myself from them. Once I get an idea in my head about what I want to eat, not eating it feels intolerable to me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m using food as a substitute for some piece of happiness that’s lacking in my life, but I can’t find any place where that might be so. I have a happy, healthy relationship with my wonderful boyfriend, a strong, supportive family, close friends, a good job where I know I’m a high achiever and I feel valued, a good education, enough money to meet my needs, I get enough sleep, I laugh and feel happy every day of my life and I’m grateful for everything I’ve been blessed with. I lead a charmed life… except I can’t control my eating. I know that I eat too much. I’m sitting here typing this while eating a muffin even though I’m not hungry. I just wanted the taste and texture of the muffin and I like the feeling of fullness after I eat. Even though I can rationally say that I know I don’t need to be eating this muffin right now and that it’s contributing to the problem and not the solution, I’m still eating it. It drives me crazy that I can be rational in my thoughts but I still feel powerless to stop the action. Eating poorly also affects my sensory issues (it makes them much more pronounced and a bigger interference in my daily life) and even that doesn’t stop me from bingeing.

I used to work 60-65 hours a week at two jobs and I thought that maybe I overate because I was so busy and stressed out. But I no longer work my second job and my eating is worse than ever. I feel like there must be some emotional reason that I do this to myself but I haven’t found it yet. I know a good deal about nutrition and I know how to lose weight, but the fact that this knowledge has not led me to actually stop overeating tells me there’s an underlying reason that I haven’t put my finger on.

I feel disgusted by other over-eaters. I look down on them even though I know I have the same problem. The power that food has over me is incredible and horrifying. If I were anyone else, I would tell myself (with scorn), “Stop being lazy and just don’t eat so much! It’s not that difficult, just put the fork down.” But because I’m me and I’m in my own head and body, I know how unbreakable this pattern feels. I feel gripped by a force that is out of my control. The worst part is that I want to overeat when I’m doing it. I enjoy the food and I keep doing it even though I know I’m abusing my body. I get excited when I go see a movie because it’s an excuse to eat theater nachos. I intentionally leave the house to do errands at certain times (say, 11:00am) so that it will be “acceptable” to get lunch while I’m out. It makes me feel so helpless that I don’t know how to stop these patterns on my own.

I feel frustrated sometimes about feeling addicted to high fat foods like cheese, donuts, hot dogs, lo mein, alfredo pasta… why couldn’t I be addicted to carrots or pears or something with some nutritional value?

I weighed 210 pounds at the end of high school. I lost weight in college and got down to 150 pounds. Upon graduation I steadily started gaining weight. I now weigh 200 (two years later). Even when I was losing weight I wouldn’t say my eating was healthy or normal. I was just walking more (living on campus) and I was slightly more in control of my eating. I would eat well when I ate with my (health conscious) friends. My binges were much less frequent in college but I still ate in secret, lied about it, and occasionally changed plans to be able to eat.

My parents and older sister were very heavy when I was a kid. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t eat adult sized portions or doctor my food to be even cheesier, fattier, and saltier than it already was.

I spend obscene amounts of time and energy thinking about food, weight, planning my next meal, scheming about how not to get caught, worrying about getting caught, imagining the shame I’d feel if someone knew how bad my eating problem is, planning out the steps I’ll take to lose weight (and then not being consistent with them), and so on. I also spend a lot of time worrying about the long term consequences of my eating. Diabetes runs in my family and I worry about becoming one of those older people who avoids activities because they’re “too old” but really it’s because they’re too fat.

So, after a lot of denial and avoidance, I’ve accepted that this is more than a minor problem and it’s not something I’ve been able to deal with on my own. That was really hard for me because I pride myself on being able to handle just about anything.

My eating is the worst it’s ever been right now and I’m starting to panic. I need help and guidance.



Whew! That was tough to share. But I still believe that sharing it, even if no one ever reads it, was good for me.

Nichole71

Have you considered finding a local meeting of Overeaters Anonymous? I'm also a compulsive eater who been doing well for the past few weeks since I've gotten on a regimented eating plan.

OA is great for getting support in a confidential setting. Just talking to others who are dealing with the same issue is a powerful things and can help work thru some of the stuff that drives the overeating. I don't even go to the meetings regularly, and I've gotten a lot out of it. The people who go faithfully (once or twice a week) and do the 12 steps, that I've seen, have done quite well.

I can totally understand using food as a substitute for something lacking in our life. My biggest binges were during the disentigration of my marriage and the subsequent depression. I was self-medicating with food. Many people do for various reasons.

Also, 2 books many women with eating issues have found very helpful are "When Food is Love" and "Women Food and God" both by Geneen Roth.

I hope this helps in some way.

aqm22

I can't really relate to the overeating compulsion, but I can relate to the fact that food is just YUMMY. One thing that really help me battle the "i like food because it's yummy" thing is just thinking if I really need it. I'd buy a lot of unhealthy sweets, but I just leave it there. Don't feel like you're depriving yourself. Find better alternatives to what you like. They're out I'm sure (maybe not cheese) and that should help even if you over eat. If you like muffin, make healthier muffin that tastes just as great. if you need recipes for better and still tasty food, message me.

Other than that. Good luck.

RavenBeauty87

OMG this is crazy! I feel the same way! I use to get really happy when my husband worked nights and I would just eat all night long. I've hid wrappers and everything.... it sounds like we are on drugs and it's food! I'm not happy that we are the same but I'm happy to see that I'm not the only one that thinks this way. I didn't even read your whole post so you'll probably get another comment from me lol

MessyLittlePanda

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time with food.

I used to overeat like crazy, and it turned out I had coeliac disease. Like you I had very specific cravings, as well as specific aversions. I was overweight, but could never stop being hungry, and I found out I actually had malnutrition (yes, you can have that if you are overweight). I had low B12, B6, iron, potassium, calcium, just about everything you need to function well. Hence why I had this huge appetite and craved high calorie foods like cheese - it was my body telling me I needed more nutrients.

Before you berate yourself for being lazy, I would encourage you to get tested for food allergies, particularly gluten and dairy as those allergies interfere most with absorption of vitamins and minerals in the gut. Coeliac disease actually damages the lining of the small intestine, but you can have lower grade allergies or intolerances which can cause a thing called "leaky gut" meaning that your intestinal walls are more permeable, and particles of matter which should stay inside the digestive system leaks elsewhere in the body. People who have symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome frequently have this issue. The other cause of it can be candida infection.

If there's nothing wrong, then there's still no harm in taking a good multivitamin, probiotic for gut health (don't bother with the yoghurts, get capsules with live bacteria containing prebiotic fibre and good bacteria) and taking Omega 3 oils - fish if you're not veggie, flaxseed if you are, because most of us don't get enough Omega 3s. And maybe consider some sessions with a counsellor to talk through your relationship with food. But you know what, it's fine to like and enjoy food. Maybe not to that extent, for you it sounds like it's gone to a different level, but in principle, we're not meant to hate food, we're meant to like it because it gives us energy and nutrients.

I'm a complete foodie, I hate diet food, it's just processed junk, and I don't do any of this 1200 calorie dieting nonsense, anymore it would be suicide for a person with poor nutrient absorption, and for me, it promoted binge eating, didn't stop it. Because people feel like they are deprived, and low calorie diets and the hunger are "punishment" for being fat, which does funny things to your mind and self-esteem. I've lost weight eating between 1800 and 2300 cals a day, and doing exercise, so the low calorie diet brigade who say that nothing else works, well it's bull-you-know-what. The one thing you have to do though is ditch the junk and replace it with real food. Junk foods don't satisfy you and the salt and sugar in them promote cravings for more of the same. The main things that helped me kick the weight were:

Healthier alternatives, making your own muffins/cakes/breads so you know what's in them.
Buying smaller plates, so you kind of trick yourself into thinking you're eating more than you are.
Real food - don't buy diet meals and shakes
Exercise - even if it's just walking or you exercise at home on a wii fit or kinect or something, just moving a bit more, and then a bit more when you get some confidence up.....and the endorphin boost you get from exercise makes you happy so you don't need the food fix to get the buzz.

Best of luck on your journey - it sounds like you want things to change and that's the first step.

Virtual_Princess

This is such an amazing post. Wow, you are an incredible writer. The way you communicate how you feel in your addiction with so much depth and awareness, I believe the insight alone is a huge step towards figuring this thing out and changing yourself. It's hard work to recover from addiction but it is possible I assure you. I realize this post is a couple years old and am wondering how you are doing now? An update would be greatly appreciated, thanks!