Need advice on a work issue please

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Replies

  • rbn_held
    rbn_held Posts: 689 Member
    Thanks for all the advice. And no, he has never made a pass or been even inappropriate but I have been around enough to know when someone is flirting (not that flirting means feelings but if you didn't have some kind of feelings you wouldn't flirt) People can say flirting is not cheating but on some level I think it is because if you were not attracted to that person there wouldn't be any flirting. Maybe I will just wait it out and see what happens with time and in the mean time try not to spend too much time around him.
  • PantalaNagaPampa
    PantalaNagaPampa Posts: 1,031 Member
    Also, to add, i think the whole "its speculation" comment is way off.
    A woman KNOWS when there is attraction, either mutual or he finds you attractive.
    I can tell within 5 seconds of meeting somebody if they are attracted to me, or if we have mutual attraction.

    Unless you are a mind reader, you are likely to be wrong at least some of the time. Yes, there are certain signs, there is also a very, very powerful thing called wishful thinking. Sorry honey.
    She is right., not everyone can tell in 5 seconds if there is mutual attraction

    Don't get me wrong, I knew in like 5 seconds that mellisant wanted me, but that is not true for everyone.. just sayin...
  • Espressocycle
    Espressocycle Posts: 2,245 Member
    I've had office crushes before. Just deal with it.
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
    Yeah I would probably look for a new job....if it feels wrong it probably is wrong... you dont want it to get out of hand. I think you have the right intentions, but if you do not take some sort of action the feelings and guilt are not going to just go away. it will likely escalate . If it got to the point where he hit on you, it would be terribly uncomfortable. I would just try to get out as soon as possible and save myself the hassle. I am sure you're SO would agree.
  • SyntonicGarden
    SyntonicGarden Posts: 944 Member
    1) Don't *kitten* where you eat, especially if you're both involved. It could be that you're just more confident or that your boss IS just really friendly and well, you don't want to sabotage a decent job and an innocent friendship with your boss. If he's having marriage problems, that's his deal, not yours. And definitely don't discuss any problems you're having in your relationship with him.

    2) Consider reevaluating your current relationship to see why it is that your mind is elsewhere. Have you grown apart? Are you left with embers where there were once flames? What are you doing to kindle it / reignite it?

    Often when the mind wanders, it's because we think there's something better than what we're too bored / lazy / tired / frustrated to fix. And sometimes, what we perceived as being "better" simply isn't.
  • tismyhardbody
    tismyhardbody Posts: 100 Member
    Also, to add, i think the whole "its speculation" comment is way off.
    A woman KNOWS when there is attraction, either mutual or he finds you attractive.
    I can tell within 5 seconds of meeting somebody if they are attracted to me, or if we have mutual attraction.

    Unless you are a mind reader, you are likely to be wrong at least some of the time. Yes, there are certain signs, there is also a very, very powerful thing called wishful thinking. Sorry honey.

    LOL good try
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member
    Also, to add, i think the whole "its speculation" comment is way off.
    A woman KNOWS when there is attraction, either mutual or he finds you attractive.
    I can tell within 5 seconds of meeting somebody if they are attracted to me, or if we have mutual attraction.

    Unless you are a mind reader, you are likely to be wrong at least some of the time. Yes, there are certain signs, there is also a very, very powerful thing called wishful thinking. Sorry honey.

    I completely agree.

    I need a bit longer than 5 seconds to see whether or not I find someone attractive let alone if the feeling is mutual.
  • girly13662
    girly13662 Posts: 2
    I don't know if anyone is aware of this but there is a serious unemployment issue going on and nobody can afford to lose their job, so unless you already have something lined up, I say like the others don't *kitten* where you eat. It's not worth it.
    When I first started here at my job 5 years ago I was single and made a promise to NEVER date anyone here. Why? For the simple reason that if I did date someone here, and if it didn't go well, guess what...I have to see that person still every day. No thanks.
    My advice is to stay where you are, and just come in, do your job and go home.
  • reteed
    reteed Posts: 22 Member
    Okay, you've been there for four years. Long time to work with people day in and day out. Are the feelings you're describing from a possible infidelity or from a sense of caring for that person and their family? I know that I "care" for my coworkers very much. We share stories of our children, pets, SO's, etc. After a death or a really bad happening in their lives, I will be first to offer a hug and a pat on the back. Do I want to take it any further? No. It's just a human response from me to offer comfort. Do we hug every day? No. But I still have those feelings of "care" for them.

    Also, has he made the comment that you have beautiful eyes and what you heard was nudge, nudge, wink, wink. When all he really was saying was that you have beautiful eyes.

    Good Luck. But most importantly, don't let it go any further than the two of you just enjoying your jobs and a good friendship.
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
    Better yet, quit, break up with your boyfriend, date your old boss and then break up with him too!
  • sa11yjane
    sa11yjane Posts: 491 Member
    Ohhhh, dangerous ground.....personally I think that you should start looking around for another job if it's at all possible. Until then, maybe make an effort not to put yourself in tricky situations with him. (Think long-term here....even if you did passionately fall in love and live happily ever after, after sorting out your existing relationships, would you really want to devote your love to a man who may well do the same again......? Trust would be a massive issue. It's not worth it). All the very best xxx
  • _Mary_L
    _Mary_L Posts: 18
    I wouldn't quit my job for that... but you need to know yourself. I know that I would never cheat on my dh so it wouldn't face me. If you go somewhere else and the same thing happens, are you going to continue changing jobs? what are the chances you will find another job that you like and are happy??? If you stay, be careful... people do notice things that you don't think are as obvious and you don't want to start rumors... Those rumors could get to his wife/kids or your SO and it won't be a happy ending...
  • sydnisd183
    sydnisd183 Posts: 247 Member
    Maybe try to be more romantic with your SO.....flowers, a card, a special night together. Find a way to get some fires rekindled and you may discover a new, fresh attraction to him! I'm sure he'd appreciate the extra attention as well :blushing:

    i like the other's suggestions of thinking of the boss in gross-out situations like being on the toilet, flossing, clipping his toenails, he has holes in his undies and picks his nose when you're not looking OP!!!!! (LOL just trying to help distract you, at least you recognize the feeling and talking about it helps take some of the power out of it)
  • wiggywompus
    wiggywompus Posts: 65 Member
    Stay in the job you love it and get on with co-workers. Try to always have others around when your boss about. I went through something similar years ago with a friend, all just in the mind. Looked upon it as window shopping could dream and look but knew never happen feelings passed and life moved on. Good luck with it.
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
    You've got to create emotional boundaries. Distance yourself from your boss. You don't need to be "friends" with him. Don't flirt or be especially friendly. Keep talk straight to business, give short answers to personal questions. He should pick up on the vibes.
  • RunMyOregonBunsOff
    RunMyOregonBunsOff Posts: 862 Member
    I don't think that having feelings for or being attracted to somebody else is cheating...you are human. Thus said, you have free agency to act on or not to act on your feelings. From what you have said I highly doubt that you would act on those feelings (unless you have found in the past that you have a hard time holding them back or something). Is this the first time that you have felt something for somebody while in a healthy, committed realtionship? If so I can see why you would feel a little freaked out. Unless you really feel like you can't trust yourself to stay professional with him, then I say ride it out and don't do anything crazy. A job is hard enough to find right now let alone one that you really like and where you get along so well with your co-workers. That's a lot to give up for something that may pass as fast as it came.

    I had a simular thing happen with one of my bosses a few years back...nearly the exact same situation from what you have said but he was my married boss and I was in a long term relationship and neither one of us ever acted any different around the other than we did around anybody else. I could just kinda tell that there was a bit of a vibe there. No big deal. He is still married, I'm now married. It's all good!

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