Feeling Down

jenners22

I injured my knee last week and was unable to do my The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga or my Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. I was determined to still work out so I jumped on my elliptical machine. That was for last week. Then came Wednesday and I had to clean out an apartment complex's cage, which had a lot of building supplies like wood and doors and siding. Then Thursday was Thanksgiving. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I had to clean out a tenant's abandoned unit which took about 16 hours in total. I have not worked out at all and I haven't been watching my eating.

I am so overly exhausted it isn't funny. I went two days without a shower. I was too tired to shower. It was disgusting and I was thrown back to how I lived before MFP. It made me angry that I could so easily fall back into not working out and not staying within my calories.

Now as I sit here I type this, I feel self-pity sinking in and that is one thing my mother always taught me NOT to do. Only one person attends a pity party, and it's not a very fun party. I miss my mom at times like this.

For my entire life, my mother was always jumping from one crazy fad diet to the next. She was in a foster home by the time she was 9 and they told her she was ugly. Her first marriage was to my father, who beat her regularly and told her she was fat and ugly and stupid. Her second husband cheated on her with everything that had boobs. My mother never felt good about herself and the crazy diets only made her happy if the scale was at a low number.

My mother was only 46 when she passed away from Ovarian Cancer. I am the oldest of four kids and everyone looks up to me. I have a special needs son and I am attending college.

I have never tried any of the fad diets because I always saw it only made short term progress and in the end, all the weight plus some came back and my mother would feel terrible. She would feel like a failure. It was hard to see her going through that especially when she was a curvy and gorgeous. She was a mix between Madonna and Jennifer Lopez. Gosh, I wish she knew how pretty she was. I mean, all of her girls (there are three of us) would always hope we would look as pretty as our mom. I'm missing her a lot and on February 19th, it will have been two years since her passing.

So it is absolutely crazy that my stupid knee injury could lead to thinking about my mom. I can't get over it. I get so mad sometimes and for crazy reasons: like when I see cancer awareness stuff or old people. I just want to scream at them because my mother never got a chance to get old! All the cancer research didn't save my mother's life!

Now everytime I get angry (no matter the reason) I think about how mad I am that I don't have my mom anymore. I can drop a cup and just fly into a rage because of it. I try to stay calm so I don't go down this road again. Exercise has really helped keep my moods pretty good, but now that i was hurt and I had committments that pulled me away from my regular workout schedule, it just makes me so angry again and they cycle starts again.

well, after this whole thing I can say that my knee hasn't locked up on me for about four days, so I am starting easy with the elliptical machine tomorrow morning after putting my son on his bus. I just gotta pick my butt up and force myself to get back into a regular schedule. I also have to learn how to be flexible with my schedule.

ali258

It sounds like you have a lot of anger about your mom passing away so young. It's good to let it out so you don't just eat your emotions away and let them eat you away. Maybe some journaling or talking to a counselor or your religious leader (if you have one) might help you get some of those feelings out so they don't surprise you when something goes wrong.

Great job sticking with the exercise. I'm sure all of that cleaning burned a ton of calories, even though it wasn't a structured work out.

-Alison