My hardship. My story. My relief.

cdelaura

I am writing this blog for my own sake and for my own coping ways. If you're not wanting to hear a sob story then I suggest you move on to another post. I also apologize for the lack of coherence as I am writing this as I think it.

This summer has been one of the worst summers for me. Although I am a recent communications graduate, who graduated in the top 3% of my class this past June, my boyfriend of 4 years, who lived with me through all of it decided to end our relationship. It was slowly coming. Like I said, this summer has been hell for me. I spent literally 4 months having him coming and going from our apartment to his "friends" later to find out that this woman of his friend welcomed him to a room in her apartment to stay. I unfortunately had to find this out the hard way when he left a dental bill with a different address on it from ours. Regardless if it is the case, so he says, that this woman is only trying to help, it still hurts like all hell.

After a full blown fight about this and him walking out once again to go wherever he goes, I took an emergency leave off work to see my family in New York for 2 weeks. I am currently in Canada because part of me studying here was to be with my "boyfriend" while still pursuing an education. So here I am, graduated in the top 3% in a university of a country not of my own.

During my two weeks off back at my family's place, I fought my depression so much. I really debated coming back to Canada since I can't just up and leave and getting on anti-depressants. In fact, I am still fighting this currently. However, I do not want to rely on a pill to make me happy so hence my struggle to not cave in and see someone. I try to keep telling myself I am strong and things will get better. Someway. Somehow.

Somedays I'm OK, but most days I am hurting and upset. There are brief moments when I think I can get through this, but unfortunately they are brief. Meanwhile my boyfriend (I will continue to call him this until he packs all his stuff from the apartment) has been at his family's place. It's been a month since I last saw him and eventually he will need to come back and figure out what he is doing with his stuff.

I am deeply hurt by this whole situation because through the four years I made mistakes. I have some anger issues that leave me being selfish when times get rough. I was warned several times by my boyfriend that eventually he won't be able to take it and will have to leave me. I however, took that for granted until it finally came true. Now, I am slapped in the face with what I have done and I honestly learned my lesson. It unfortunately came down to this. Why did I have to go through this in order to learn my lesson and work on myself when I had all the warning signs in front of me??? This will live with me forever and now there is nothing I can do to regain the trust of someone that once loved me so much and gave me tons of opportunities to work on myself.

And on top of this all... on top of this all, I am fat. Through the 4 years I gained 100lbs leaving my boyfriend to openly admit he was finding me unattractive but still loves me and once again warn that he was concerned and that I need to do something about it. But once again, I didn't listen and kept going to those restaurants and now I am finally doing something about it. I am so unhappy with myself and I know this is not helping me get through my situation. All I think about is how I let myself go and how long it will take to come off and become attractive again because right now I honestly find myself hideous. I have lost 33 pounds so far with about 100lbs more to go. My one close friend says I should be happy I lost 33lbs, but I am honestly not. Additionally, I feel insecure due to my breasts. When I was young I was really heavy, lost a bunch of weight, then now became currently heavy again causing my breasts to droop really bad only at the age of 23. This has added to my insecurities and I will not be able to do anything about this until I 1)have a good paying job and 2)lose all the weight first.

So I am currently in Canada and it doesn't feel like home to me anymore. This apartment doesn't, but even when I went to my parent's house, it did not feel like home either. No place feels like home to me right now. I have lost direction. I have been job searching everyday for the past 3 months and have gotten squat. Everyone wants newly grads to have like 5 years experience, which is really sad.

Everywhere I go, there are memories that surround me of him, but I know if I move back to the States, this is a big move and I won't be coming back, but for some reason I'm stuck here. I just can't go. I'm held back by something amongst all the pain and suffering I'm going through.

For now the only thing I can actually do is work on my self. I somewhat feel good when I see the scale show that I'm losing weight. So I guess the only thing I can keep doing it work my crappy minimum wage job, exercise, and try to get some goals in my life so I can try to push forward and gain clarity.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. If you would like to friend me, please feel free as well.