overwhelmed

debbieHOC

I am trying to start back again to eating right. Have not exercised more than a few walks with husband. I did start therapy to deal with the abuse I suffered as a child and the real reason I eat. I have been working on rewriting those tapes in my head that tell me I am a failure and no one loves me. These things I heard most of my childhood. If my mom wasn't saying it. ..I was in my head.
Therapy has been rough, digging deep and I feel like I have been beaten up but you can't see the bruises. I know this is what I need to do. She is christain based so it involves me discussing my views on God. Why I can't let him heal this? What if he won't? As you read you can see I have major trust issues. That comes from the sexual abuse of 12 yrs, the psychological abuse of being raised by a paranoid schizophrenic and the history of being abandoned.
I desparately want to let this go but a part of me is so scared of what will be left. I told Brenda ( my therapist) last visit that I felt I wuld be empty.... That it is all tied together and I will be empty. I know this pain and new pain scares the Hell out of me. I feel like such a whiner right now. All my life I just kept my mouth shut and endured and trying to let this out is scary and makes me feel even weaker and more vulnerable if that makes sense.
I also work a tough job.... I am a hospice nurse and this last week I cared one on one for a man 3 years younger than I am dying of Lung cancer and HIV. It was heartbreaking to see his tumors and the pain he was in. We did get him under pain coontrol and he told me he was ready to go. I am off the next 7 days so he will pass before I return to work. This has really stirred up so many feelings in me. I am basically healthy except for weight, depression and thyroid. So why can't I do this?
I don't entertain the ideas of suicide but I do daydream of if I were to get hurt bad or die.... Who would come to my side or my funeral. Back to the abandonment issues. I fear most that I will surrender to God only to find out he is not there for me. It's not that I don't believe in God...I do. But I can't even see how this hurt that is so deep can be healed and I can be normal.
To me... This is normal.... Back pain, depression, work, work, work, and more work cause that is what I do well. I think I am trying to earn my way in. ... Earn my right to be healed. Earn my right to belong.
Thanks for listening. Got errands to run before I see Brenda.
Sorry for the crappy typing... I would like to blame it on a keyboard that sticks but I never really learned to type and have no desire to be gifted at it.
Deb

icimani

I can relate. You don't have to earn the right to heal - you already HAVE that right.

Good for you for recognizing the 'real reason' why you eat, and good for you for getting some help. Those are definitely steps in the right direction.

Baby steps. Don't try to change everything all at once or it can definitely be overwhelming.