Family. Blah.

BrendaLee

I'm sorry for writing a novel...read if you'd like to share my drama/pain.

My family...really takes the cake. I don't even know where to begin with them, so I'll tell you about the most recent issue. About a year ago my car died, and I couldn't afford to get a car, so I've been relying on my family when I need to get to a doctor's appointment or what not. I took the bus in the summer when I could, and take taxis when I can afford it, but if I have a lot of errands to run, it's really hard to get around on the bus, and really expensive to take taxis, and I just don't have the means. My mom loans me her car for the most part (which she hates to do), and that requires someone bringing the car up to me, and then taking me home afterward because she pretty much demands that her car gets brought back the same day I use it- or at the very least the next day. My sisters are at my mom's house often, and one lives very close to her, so I can sometimes (with a lot of pleading, and often a bribe or two) get the car, and if I'm lucky, a drive home again.

I have 9 siblings that live here in town- it's a small town, and the distance from my house to Mom's is about a 10-15 minute drive. In fact, the distance from my house to anywhere in town is about 15-20 minutes max. Not one of my brothers or sisters will really do anything for the others, and certainly wouldn't even consider offering to take me to a doctor's appointment. It just can't be normal for family to be that mean to each other. I would do anything for anyone if I had the means...so how did I turn out so different? Is it because I'm the one who has nothing, and I know what that feels like? Probably.

I have the car right now, and I called my mother because my sister wanted me to meet her at Mom's to do her hair for a Christmas party. The first thing she says when I call her- your sister went to her other sister's to get her hair done because she didn't think you were coming (my daughter gets home from school at 4:15-4:30, and this was at 4'ish), then she tells me- your brother (the one who bought Mom the car a few years ago who just moved back home from out west after being gone for about 3 years) said you can't use the car anymore because he doesn't want me loaning it. My brother barely spoke to any of us for the past 3 years...he moved away after winning the lottery a few years ago, and now he moves back home, and the first thing he says is- Brenda can't use your car? It's not even a new car...it's a 93 Buick, I think...which I've been borrowing for the past year.

It's like they find every way they can to just be mean...and I don't get it. My mom doesn't even drive anymore, and hasn't for the past year. So the car just sits in her yard, and I worry and struggle constantly about how I'm going to get where I need to go. I don't even make doctor's and dentist's and eye doctor's appointments because I know I'm not going to be able to get there without a huge fight if at all.

I don't know...I wish at least Christmas would put a bit of warmth in their hearts for each other...but that doesn't happen. I'm a single mom, my health isn't good, I don't have a lot of money...and I just wish I had, if nothing else, a loving family.

If you made it through all that...thanks for reading. Sometimes you just need to write it down (type it out), and put it out there.

tubbytabbytales

Oh, honey. :frown: I'm so sorry. My family is the SAME way. Just negative and purposfully mean to each other. It breaks my heart every time I expect something from one of them.

mavsfan2009

I can't say that I relate, but I'm very sorry. I wish I had some advice for you. Maybe someday you'll find a family in a husband or a friend that will be supportive of you always. Good luck. Merry (almost) Christmas

Marla64

Brenda-- so sorry-- I have similar issues with my parents-- it hurts. If you can, lower or remove all expectations you have of them. Do what's right and try not to let it get to you.

nolachick

I'm very sorry to hear that. and I agree, perhaps you should lower ur standards for ur family so u don't keep getting hurt or disappointed. I know its hard and u may not have much resources but perhaps you can get ur neighbor or nearby friend to help with transportation in exchange for something - pet sitting? baby sitting? umm i dunno whatever works for u.

hope the new yr brings about more positive people into your life. those that will love and appreciate u the way u deserve. :flowerforyou:

sculley

I am so sorry that you have to go through that. And I wish there was something I could do or say in my power to make you feel better or help you. I know I just lost my dad and pray and thank god that I have a somewhat big and loving family that is here for me. Good luck sweetie.

jrbowers83

My family is very similar. And often I am the one who gets stuck being the nice one who gets hurt. I'm the one taking everyone to doctor's appts., babysitting, buying things that they don't have money for, etc. But then when I need the favor (someone to babysit my little ones, my car's broke down, whatever) there's no one there.
First of all, you need to start saving SOMETHING toward a car. Take what you'd spend on taxis and put it in a fund, whatever you can do. The more self-reliant you are, the less room they have to deprive you or otherwise hurt you. Then, most importantly, find new family. I've always kept a close-knit group of friends to turn to when family can't, and ppl of all ages as well. There's so much you can learn from someone your mother's age as a friend that your mother would never be able to show you. And just remember you have your friends here to support you :flowerforyou:

stephcheers

Family can be tough. You love 'em....but....
In general I think that eveyone has there limits on how much they are willing to help others. Unfortunately it sounds like your family has a much shorter giving time span than you need.
I had an idea...maybe it wouldn't work (I don't know your whole story) but could you offer to buy the car from your mom/ brother? They might just need to see that you genuinely want to be self suffient. Be honest with them about how much you can afford. If it's 50$ a month then that's what they'll get. At least the car won't be just sitting in your mom's yard.

Good luck. I wish you the best. I have been a single mom (to 3 boys) in the past and my heart goes out to you.

CasperO

Roses come from among thorns honey. We're all rooting for you.

Riddle me this - if these people treat you like such crap that nobody can spare a 10 minute ride to town,,, why are you doing some kid's hair?

Get a cute redneck boyfriend and a $500 car.

estes58

This was the first time I felt like replying. I am sort of new to the site. I am so sorry but I can relate. Everyone wants everything from me in my family but no giving back. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and believe me there are alot of us out there that have disfunctional families. Sounds like the mfp people are great supporting each other though...glad to be here. Good luck with the family.

BrendaLee

Thanks for the words, guys. I just returned the car to my mother and took a cab home...after having it out with her. Turns out my brother never said I couldn't borrow the car, and it was just her way of getting out of loaning it to me. Then when I got mad at her- which turned to tears, she's yelling at me that she doesn't know what's wrong with me, that she's going to tell the whole family how I came down there and started fighting with her, and the kicker...the good old, "You're just like that f*****n old Linda" who is my birth mother. That's been thrown in my face my entire life. I was raised by my grandmother since birth, so Linda is her daughter, and if she says the things she says about Linda, then you can probably guess how she feels about me.

Anyway...I'm done. With all of them. I never wanted that, because I've always wanted a real family...but enough is enough. No matter what's going on in my life, I need to get back to being self-reliant.

__

Casper, did you automatically relate "small town" to "redneck"? lol It's not THAT kinda small town- it IS the capital city of New Brunswick, afterall. :P Unfortunately, $500 cars turn out to be $5000 pieces of junk by time you repair them. I know, I drove a Neon for a few years- I paid $3000 for it, and ended up putting thousands into it in the time that I owned it only to have it die in my yard. They say second hand cars were invented to keep the poor man in his place- poor. :P

CasperO

That's what the redneck boyfriend is for honey,,,

I paid $1,500 (US) for an '83 Mercedes diesel sedan 5 years ago. I've ran it 80,000 miles in 5 years, with good maintenance and just a few minor repairs. Used cars keep poor people poor by making mechanics rich - but if you can maintain and repair it yourself you can do very well.

Any man who can't rebuild an engine isn't a real redneck, he just thinks he is 'cause he likes to fish. I did a head gasket on a Jeep last weekend for fun. The owner, a friend and engineer who can't change his own oil, was blown away. The mechanic had quoted him $725 to do the job. I Ebay'ed the parts for $50 and we did it in an afternoon.

Most people get really really ripped off on cars. Pay too much to buy, then pay WAY too much for service. Cruise for men at NAPA! You'll find a winner, and probably a good guy too.

((Edit - put up a pic of my car. I do love my Olga. '83 Benz 240D. 4 cyl diesel, 4 speed stick, crank windows, bulletproof reliable, 30mpg))

memaw66

Brenda, I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I can kind of relate but in a different way. All my life my family always preached about staying together and taking care of each other. Then, after my father died, my mother got really sick. I lived 45 mins away from her, worked 40 hours a week and was trying to plan a baby shower for my 1st grandchild, and having my house built, while my "so called sister" (whom is actually my aunt, my mom raised her after my grandmother decided 7 kids were enough) only lived 5 mins from mom, didn't work, kids were teenagers so it's not like she had to be home for them all the time. My grandmother lived 15 mins away, didn't work, ect... Well no one would help me take care of my mom. My daughter moved in with her to take care of her during the week and I would go over after work and take her on the weekend. I did all the grocery shopping as my daughter didn't have her drivers license then. I paid all her bills, took her to all her dr appts everytime she ended up at the emergency room I was the 1st one there and my sister and grandmother lived 5 mins from the hospital. Well while all this was going on they had the nerve to tell me I was taking care of her properly but yet they wouldn't do anything to help me. If they didn't like the way I was taking care of her they should have stepped in. I would ask my sister to pick up mom's meds from the pharmacy and she would wait until late in the evening even though mom needed them in the morning, then she would drive up honk and make my daughter go out and get them She wouldn't even go in to visit my mom, who was dying of cancer and other things!!!! Then, they accused me of hording all mom's money because I wouldn't take her to the dentist (which she was deathly afraid of, never went in her life, she had like 3 months to live and they wanted me to make her do something she was deathly afraid of, nope I wouldnt do it, I didn't want her last days on this earth to be doing something she didn't want to do). Anyway, after mom died they broke inter her house and stole from her. Now does that sound like a family that sticks together??? So just know you are not alone. But at least you have the chance to break the cycle with your child/children. You know how it feels, how it hurts so I'm sure you won't treat your children this way. Break off and start fresh. That's what I had to do. After several sessions with a counselor I just cut all ties to my "family". I have my children and my husband and his side of the family and we are just fine. My neice, my sisters daughter, finally looked me up on Facebook and her and her family came for Thanksgiving. She doesn't even talk to her own mother any more She said she can't have her kids raised that way either. So you see, you can break the cycle. I wish you all the luck. If you ever need to vent just send me a message!!

Memaw

Sorry it was so long!

BrendaLee

That's what the redneck boyfriend is for honey,,,

I paid $1,500 (US) for an '83 Mercedes diesel sedan 5 years ago. I've ran it 80,000 miles in 5 years, with good maintenance and just a few minor repairs. Used cars keep poor people poor by making mechanics rich - but if you can maintain and repair it yourself you can do very well.

Any man who can't rebuild an engine isn't a real redneck, he just thinks he is 'cause he likes to fish. I did a head gasket on a Jeep last weekend for fun. The owner, a friend and engineer who can't change his own oil, was blown away. The mechanic had quoted him $725 to do the job. I Ebay'ed the parts for $50 and we did it in an afternoon.

Most people get really really ripped off on cars. Pay too much to buy, then pay WAY too much for service. Cruise for men at NAPA! You'll find a winner, and probably a good guy too.

((Edit - put up a pic of my car. I do love my Olga. '83 Benz 240D. 4 cyl diesel, 4 speed stick, crank windows, bulletproof reliable, 30mpg))

Ooooh now, I get it. NAPA, I never really thought of that as a place to meet men...but what better place? I'd have to get taxi there though. :P

BrendaLee

Brenda, I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I can kind of relate but in a different way. All my life my family always preached about staying together and taking care of each other. Then, after my father died, my mother got really sick. I lived 45 mins away from her, worked 40 hours a week and was trying to plan a baby shower for my 1st grandchild, and having my house built, while my "so called sister" (whom is actually my aunt, my mom raised her after my grandmother decided 7 kids were enough) only lived 5 mins from mom, didn't work, kids were teenagers so it's not like she had to be home for them all the time. My grandmother lived 15 mins away, didn't work, ect... Well no one would help me take care of my mom. My daughter moved in with her to take care of her during the week and I would go over after work and take her on the weekend. I did all the grocery shopping as my daughter didn't have her drivers license then. I paid all her bills, took her to all her dr appts everytime she ended up at the emergency room I was the 1st one there and my sister and grandmother lived 5 mins from the hospital. Well while all this was going on they had the nerve to tell me I was taking care of her properly but yet they wouldn't do anything to help me. If they didn't like the way I was taking care of her they should have stepped in. I would ask my sister to pick up mom's meds from the pharmacy and she would wait until late in the evening even though mom needed them in the morning, then she would drive up honk and make my daughter go out and get them She wouldn't even go in to visit my mom, who was dying of cancer and other things!!!! Then, they accused me of hording all mom's money because I wouldn't take her to the dentist (which she was deathly afraid of, never went in her life, she had like 3 months to live and they wanted me to make her do something she was deathly afraid of, nope I wouldnt do it, I didn't want her last days on this earth to be doing something she didn't want to do). Anyway, after mom died they broke inter her house and stole from her. Now does that sound like a family that sticks together??? So just know you are not alone. But at least you have the chance to break the cycle with your child/children. You know how it feels, how it hurts so I'm sure you won't treat your children this way. Break off and start fresh. That's what I had to do. After several sessions with a counselor I just cut all ties to my "family". I have my children and my husband and his side of the family and we are just fine. My neice, my sisters daughter, finally looked me up on Facebook and her and her family came for Thanksgiving. She doesn't even talk to her own mother any more She said she can't have her kids raised that way either. So you see, you can break the cycle. I wish you all the luck. If you ever need to vent just send me a message!!

Memaw

Sorry it was so long!

Thank you so much for that...it's very touching. I love my mother more than anything, but she hurts me in ways she doesn't even understand. I never blow up at her, so obviously something snapped in me last night. I've had the worst year of my life, and if nothing else, and no one else, I wanted my mother to WANT to help me. She helps, but then does everything she can to make me feel horrible for even asking. Then when she throws in my face on the way out the door that I'm exactly like my biological mother...she doesn't even get that's her saying to me, "don't forget, you're not my real daughter"....even though I've been with her since day 1. My biological mother wanted to give me up for adoption, and Mom wouldn't let her...I've always dreamed about what my life might have been like if I hadn't been beaten down in every way every day of my life. I don't belong anywhere, and it's hard going through life without a sense of belonging. My biological mother gave me up, my biological father wanted nothing to do with me, my "family" was constantly saying things like, "why don't you go live with your real mother"...so I never developed a family bond with anyone. Then when my daughter came along, it's been so hard developing and keeping healthy that bond with her. Sometimes I try so hard, I end up pushing her further away because I'm smothering her, then when I try to pull back, I feel like there's nothing there. This is beginning to feel like a therapy session...which I probably really need. Can you say issues?

CasperO

Roses grow from among thorns honey.

nolachick

That's what the redneck boyfriend is for honey,,,

I paid $1,500 (US) for an '83 Mercedes diesel sedan 5 years ago. I've ran it 80,000 miles in 5 years, with good maintenance and just a few minor repairs. Used cars keep poor people poor by making mechanics rich - but if you can maintain and repair it yourself you can do very well.

Any man who can't rebuild an engine isn't a real redneck, he just thinks he is 'cause he likes to fish. I did a head gasket on a Jeep last weekend for fun. The owner, a friend and engineer who can't change his own oil, was blown away. The mechanic had quoted him $725 to do the job. I Ebay'ed the parts for $50 and we did it in an afternoon.

Most people get really really ripped off on cars. Pay too much to buy, then pay WAY too much for service. Cruise for men at NAPA! You'll find a winner, and probably a good guy too.

((Edit - put up a pic of my car. I do love my Olga. '83 Benz 240D. 4 cyl diesel, 4 speed stick, crank windows, bulletproof reliable, 30mpg))

CasperO I always love reading ur posts! u are just too funny and definately an outstanding person. I can't believe u fixed up a head gasket that cheap - mine cost me a cool $2000. that's right 3 zero's at the end. JEEEEEEEEEZ What a rip off.

BrendaLee : I hope u find some new people to call family :flowerforyou:

CasperO

What kind'a car Nola? V-motors with overhead cams are trickier, but $2,000 is nuts for a head gasket.


How we doing Brenda?

nolachick

it's a 98 dodge stratus. don't ask me anything about the engine or anything lol I have no idea