Tired of this challenge/battle which never ends...

merzback

I generally do my best with being positive. I am 43 years old and realized that I have been dealing with this battle/challenge or whatever you call it for nearly 30 years. I am tired of being a weight yo yo. I am tired of feeling hungry even though I eat. I love working out so that's not an issue for me but tired of counting points, calories and just TIRED of the whole thing. I am tired of the diet industry lying to us when most of their products are crap. If there were a real magic pill, Oprah would use it, as would Kirsty Alley and everyone else who suffers from this issue.
I am generally sad and overwhelmed by all of this today and am seriously considering lap bad/gastric sleeve. I always felt I can do tihs on my own but I wake up starving (my stomach is growling) no matter how much protein I ate the night before.
I lost over 125lbs in 2006-2008- 1/2 of it is back. Sure, I've had 2 major deaths, 2 car accidents, a hysterectomy, a gall bladder surgery, 1 fall with a broken foot, a new dx of migraines and now a twisted up back and more excuses.....but I can't seem to stay focused and I feel that I am hungry a lot. I have even gone to a place that specializes in eating disorders for binge eating but it was a waste of time because they mostly worked with anorexics and bulemics and I do not feel they were helpful at all for what I needed. They totally catered to those who starved themselves or tossed their food. When I brought up exercise, something that I need to do for me, I was told I was triggering some of the other clients. Yet when they talked about how fat they were at 90lbs, the staff didn't care that it triggered those of us who were way "fatter" than that.
I have recently re located across the country and realize that there is stress involved with that. I also in the past year have a new job though I do love it. I lost my mom at 8 years old and I know that's what started this issue for me- but nearly 35 years later, I still can't seem to get a grib. I know if I did get weight surgery, I'd still have to work hard, but I wouldn't be as hungry and I am always feeling hungry- even after I eat on many days. Being hungry makes me feel cranky, annoyed and impatient.
I miss my fit self. I am tired of my back hurting. I am tired of my clothes not fitting. I am just tired of dealing with this to be honest. I would go back to weight watchers if I liked the new point system just to meet new people in my area and just to have the support. I have thought of OA but have gone about 3-4 times and feel that I don't need to make amends for my eating to anyone but myself and felt that they were judgmental with anone who God forbig still ate sugar. . I used to be an inspiration to people. Not anymore. I miss that part of my life, and like a junkie, can't seem to get back on track .
If anyone can relate or gets what I am saying, please let me know. I feel a lot of people just don't get it. Especially those who have never been morbidly obese and those who never had a binge eating problem. I'm losing faith in this whole journey but my other option is to give up and I won't do that. I don't want to be diabetic again. I don't want to be 300lbs again. I don't want to be in a wheel chair by the time I am 60.
Thanks for listening to my sadness today!

Kikilicious84

((hugs))

mfpcopine

I feel a lot of people just don't get it. Especially those who have never been morbidly obese and those who never had a binge eating problem.

I'm sorry for your troubles. I'm confused. Are you a binge eater? Were you unable to find a group that focused on that issue?

It sounds as if you''re still considering alternatives to surgery, although I understand your frustration.

hitstuff

Indeed, that is the biggest hurdle, Merz - realizing at the core that there is NO magic pill. Only then can you move on to the next step. And while I am no expert in these matters, it seems to me that if you have a history of binging, any type of surgical intervention might turn out to be your next sad story. Binging, as I understand it, is not a response to hunger, or a nutritional need. It appears to be more complicated than that. My sense is that a lap band is not going to hold back someone hell bent on binging.
In any case, I can relate to your story from the perspective of a 43 yo who has struggled off and on for the better part of her life with weight issues. In that, you are certainly not alone. I have tried all manner of gimmicky quick fixes over the years- some of which I enjoyed some success, but as I'm sure you could predict, success was short lived, and intrinsically- the means to those successes could not maintained over the long term. After inevitable weight gain, I used to look longingly at pictures/clothes of old- where I was enjoying some of that ill gotten success. But they were a fraud. I was walking a tightrope in those pictures....only borrowing those skinny jeans for a short time- because the weight was going to return with a vengeance. I still didn't get it. Though I don't think I really ever binged (as they define it)- I could certainly eat mindlessly, with no apparent full/off switch. That certainly didn't help me in my journey.
The short story is, I have truly found a place where I finally view food as fuel- and never will my scale read 200 lbs when I step on it again. I exercise, and reward my body with nutrient dense foods. I eat several times a day in 2-300 calorie doses. I rarely (if ever) feel driven by unmanageable hunger pangs.
You know what it takes, Merz. You can still be that inspiration. Don't be sad, don't lose faith-be empowered. We can be better than ever in our 40's!! It's never too late. Step up...take the bull by the horns, and rewrite your path gf! You are the only thing standing in your way. Your fit self isn't gone, she is just waiting for you to reclaim her.:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

merzback

Thanks everyone! I think the issue is that I feel I am out of control and that is what scares me the most. I wake up each day feeling beat up and sad. Lately I have been able to work out a lot- but then due to a bad back- sometimes I am in a lot of pain. I have taken some pain killers the doc gave me but I feel that's just making me more depressed.
I know I can do this- I have no choice. I love feeling in control of this. I know food is fuel and to fuel up in a good way. I want to help others on their journey because in all honestly, I can write a book about the diet industry and their BS. I am a binger who does well for like 1-2 weeks and then falls of the wagon like a drunk and I just hate that! Yes I realize if you're a binger, you could actually DIE if you get the surgery and you are still wanting to eat.
I just feel like I've tried EVERYTHING- from weight watchers, hospital based programs, even went to an out patient eating disorder clinic which I stated was a joke if you were a binger- was an excellent place for anorexic and purger clients. I also believe if you have to work hard, you will both with or without a surgery.
THanks folks for understanding what I am saying. I feel mostly that I am just tired of this journey. I know nothing comes easy and I am not expecting a quick fix- but I think I am more mad at myself than anything. Right now I am in a role with someone where I am taking care of that person's needs and mine are thrown in the back burner.
I will take the first step today and work out because no matter what, that always makes me feel so much better.
I do need accoutability buddies- I am NOT giving up. I am just feeling sad today for multiple reasons- one huge one is my lack of control. Normally, I am good at encourging others. Today I just need to be encouraged.
HUGS to you guys!

kimberliiw

When you're feeling down everything seems like a huge challenge. I wish I could give you some great mystical input that would make you feel better. Good luck with choosing which road to take in your weight loss. (((hugs)))

holly1283

I'm sure this will not be what you want to hear but here it is anyway. You need to love yourself where you are at now. I've been obese many years. My husband was killed in a car crash, my dad dies the same year and 5 years later my mom dies. I get it. I really do. People who love you, reallly love you, love you no matter what you look like. There is a myriad of friends on here you can rant, cry,,just complain to. Even though I don't know you I understand your grief. We empathize with you. Your friends can help. Love yourself as you are.