Self-Esteem: Need help

yasminara

Hello:

I'm writing it on here so it's not all over Facebook and people think I'm a gossiping jerk. Also, ya'll are my new friends. I don't even know how to start this, but I'm sure everyone has faced relationship problems.

I was in a bad relationship long ago in the past that left my self-esteem a little broken and I put on weight. I was able to bounce back when I decided I didn't want another person to control how I felt about myself.

However I need support for NOW. The latest ex of a few months (whom I broke up with a month ago because he didn't really like to call or Skype--which killed a long distance relationship) had the audacity to call me today to say he had met someone new right after we broke up. He was so heartbroken over her because she cheated in their 3 week relationship and went into detail all he had done for her like flowers, time, effort, etc. It really burned to hear him tell me how much more she meant to him and we broke up 3 weeks ago. I don't have a clue what crossed his mind to call me of all the people he knew!!! I tried to be the bigger person, told him I was sorry he was hurt and hung up the phone.

But this is the second time this has happened. I don't know if I'm horrible at picking men, or what--but I can't help but take it personally, like I'm just not good enough. I feel like the girl guys settle for, then throw off when something nicer comes along. It hurts so much and I'm so fed up with it. I want to scream "Why didn't you treat me right when I was good to you and the mean girl got it instead??" My ex even said, "I could always trust you but not her and I just like sharing things with you." I feel like the dorky fat friend. I'm stronger now and will not emotionally eat like I did last time--but I guess I just needed to vent to non-judging friends. (Not that my friends are judging, I just don't want to wake them up right now haha.)

If anyone who is much more mature than me give me some insightful advice (I'm honest with myself--so if it's me that messed up, feel free to say) that would be much appreciated.

*In tears*,

Yasmin

P.S. you guys

chroniclesofthinoholic

One that guy is a jerk and did not deserve you as simple as that...
Two that guy is a jerk and did not deserve you as simple as that ...
Three that guy is a jerk and did not deserve you... OK you get it <hugs>

jcmk87

No idea how long you have been dating but by the looks of it things got "comfortable" between you and your ex and he went about and found something new and exciting. Things didn't work out for him so he came running back....

What you should be doing is stop blaming yourself and walk away with your dignity intact. You are 23 years old and still have a lot to learn about relationships before tying the knot. So my suggestion is to block, remove and delete everything of him and start planning your life to become a better you.

Remember you need to love yourself before others can love you, any kind of insecurities can be a relationship killer.

chroniclesofthinoholic

My ex used to always call me whenever he found someone attractive and once he even called me to ask me to hook him up with a junior in my college...I was so annoyed but i managed to be calm!...And then later on <when i had happily moved on>...i hear he never really got over me <despite breaking up was his idea> and he hated to think that i was happy.... <i never show my emotions outside break ups is when i look my bestest > .......So it was his way to make sure i knew he was "happy"...they say guys aren't complicated but to me they are...so best is if he's still calling you is that he's still stringing on feelings...i would say don't bother answering or keeping in touch....being friends soon after a break up is never healthy!

Break ups are hard always hard...and even the sexiest skinniest female goes through them... It's not you nor him...It's more like i believe God has someone else out there made especially for you and when the time is right you will meet him!.... until then enjoy your time with the wrong ones until you find mr.right

Also never ever ever change yourself for anyone else... Yes on the accepting good changes like probably eating healthy and blah...but no on the way you are.... you are beautiful and I've had you on my list for a few days already and I seiously find you genuinely nice and someone (if i were a guy/lesbian) would love to be with forever!!lol....

Shadowsan

Hi Yasmin,

Firstly nobody should ever feel low and put themselves down, you included.

The human body is an amazing thing. It does billions of amazing things every day. Your body is no different.

The human mind is also an amazing thing. It can do so much that we haven't even scratched the surface of what it's capable of.

Case in point - an old friend once said to me that you never realise how strong you are until you have to deal with adversity. So many people think that they wouldn't cope in X situation, until they're in that situation - and then most cope surprisingly enough.

Anyway. My point is that you are more than strong enough to get through this. Just by trying to prove you're the bigger person is proof enough of that.

However, ex's are ex's for a reason. And sometimes you do need to just make things a clean break and NOT be friends, because who wants to be friends with someone who makes you feel so low about yourself? Real friends should never make you feel that way. Ever.

As for 'horrible at picking men' - it's not that. Sometimes we all make choices that we look back on and wonder what we were thinking (good god i've had a few!) but maybe you just need to be happier in yourself as a person before getting into anything that is defined as serious. It'll help you no end. Besides - confidence (and real confidence in yourself, not faking it) is sexy.

Once you start believing in yourself and believing you deserve the best (which you do - everyone should believe that) then you will go into a relationship with a different mindset. A more positive, direct mindset where if you're not getting what you want out of life, you will admit it and move on with no upset or hangups. I suppose that this is stereotypically a male perspective but I see no reason why women can't be more like this.

What this will mean is that instead of being a passenger in your relationships, you'll become the driver - you'll be the person in control and you'll not settle for anything less than the best.

Sometimes it just takes one metaphorical slap in the face too many to realise this.

So in short - Know thyself, embrace who you are (because we're all amazing in our own unique ways) and don't settle for anything but the best.

It's better to strive for greatness and fall slightly short than set your sights low and easily achieve.

And if you need anything, even if it's just to be shaken and told NO - i'm sure we're all here to help.

FJMilner

Hi Yasmin,

Firstly nobody should ever feel low and put themselves down, you included.

The human body is an amazing thing. It does billions of amazing things every day. Your body is no different.

The human mind is also an amazing thing. It can do so much that we haven't even scratched the surface of what it's capable of.

Case in point - an old friend once said to me that you never realise how strong you are until you have to deal with adversity. So many people think that they wouldn't cope in X situation, until they're in that situation - and then most cope surprisingly enough.

Anyway. My point is that you are more than strong enough to get through this. Just by trying to prove you're the bigger person is proof enough of that.

However, ex's are ex's for a reason. And sometimes you do need to just make things a clean break and NOT be friends, because who wants to be friends with someone who makes you feel so low about yourself? Real friends should never make you feel that way. Ever.

As for 'horrible at picking men' - it's not that. Sometimes we all make choices that we look back on and wonder what we were thinking (good god i've had a few!) but maybe you just need to be happier in yourself as a person before getting into anything that is defined as serious. It'll help you no end. Besides - confidence (and real confidence in yourself, not faking it) is sexy.

Once you start believing in yourself and believing you deserve the best (which you do - everyone should believe that) then you will go into a relationship with a different mindset. A more positive, direct mindset where if you're not getting what you want out of life, you will admit it and move on with no upset or hangups. I suppose that this is stereotypically a male perspective but I see no reason why women can't be more like this.

What this will mean is that instead of being a passenger in your relationships, you'll become the driver - you'll be the person in control and you'll not settle for anything less than the best.

Sometimes it just takes one metaphorical slap in the face too many to realise this.

So in short - Know thyself, embrace who you are (because we're all amazing in our own unique ways) and don't settle for anything but the best.

It's better to strive for greatness and fall slightly short than set your sights low and easily achieve.

And if you need anything, even if it's just to be shaken and told NO - i'm sure we're all here to help.

^^^ This! Shadowsan, always full of good advice, I need to take note of this too as my self esteem is at an all time low. Keep smiling and stay strong, no guy should have the power to make us feel so low, and I've come to the conclusion, they can only make us feel low if we let them.....xx

bathsheba_c

Something it took me a little while (but way too long) to learn is that being in or out of a relationship is not a reflection on me. If someone breaks up with you, it doesn't mean a darn thing about YOU as a person. It just means that you were not meant to be a couple. Sometimes it's because the other person is a jerk, but it can also just be that your life goals are incompatible.

In other words, the guy for you needs to be first and foremost someone you can be friends with, but being friends with someone is not in itself sufficient for a romantic commitment.

AliciaStaton

It sounds to me that you have been hurt in the past by this loser, you come across as a strong person you may not think that, but you are. Obviously he was not the one for you, with my experience I was in love with someone but he didnt feel the same way and when we broke up, he met someone else and would ring me up and tell me all about this woman who in the end dumped him. I than thought, bugger this I am WORTH MORE THEN THIS, and just didnt want to know. I am now with someone who loves me for me. Please dont let it get you down, it is hard but you will be fine

yasminara

Thank you everyone for being there for me. I'm doing much better now , and back on track!

Jerrypeoples

i wonder what cosmo would say

nomorebingesgirl2014

Bump