Lose the weight, lose the partner?

Pudgebrownie

I was a bit saddened after reading a thread on another weight loss forum. I'll refer to the OP as Jane Doe. For about a year, Jane Doe has been proactive about her weight loss, and finally reached her end goal in June. Now, 30 pounds lighter, she questions if she "really loves" her boyfriend of almost 10 years. He is not overweight but she is finding him less and less attractive, especially, now that other men are showing interest in her. She ends on the note of, "He's a good father to my son, and he's always been there for me but.. the flame is dying.." Are people we love THAT disposable? We get a makeover and suddenly we feel we're entitled to (what we think) is the next best thing? It was really quite a depressing thread. Not sure what kind of feedback she was looking for.. Maybe justification? I don't know. What I do know, is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, it's greener on the side that we water! I think that's the feedback I ended up leaving her

lsingleton180

i agree but it happens time and time again maybe that's what they really wanted to do from the start and just thought no one else wanted them so they stayed with the one person who did

Pudgebrownie

i agree but it happens time and time again maybe that's what they really wanted to do from the start and just thought no one else wanted them so they stayed with the one person who did

It's too bad.

otrlynn

I didn't see the orginal post, but I think that if the man is a good father to her son, and he has "always been there" for her, she ought to be figuring out how to re-kindle the fire rather than abandon the relationship. IMO, long-term relationships/marriages don't just "happen"--both parties have to commit to keeping the relationship growing.

1Tim4v8

Yea this is one of those things were she will leave him then years later find herself overweight again and the new partner she picks will leave her for gainning the weight, then she will run into the ex she dumped who will be probably of a more active weight lol, and maybe with a chunky wife showing how he isn't so vain as to care about the physical,

LaurenAOK

I can understand where she's coming from, at least a little bit. I think when you change your lifestyle, part of your personality is bound to change. I've been feeling kind of the same way lately. Well okay, I don't feel like the flame is dying between my boyfriend and I, but I know we're more different than we were when we started dating over a year ago. All of a sudden health and fitness is a huge part of my life, and it's a very minimal part of his. I'm constantly make time to go to the gym, he spends his time going out to eat with his buddies. I don't think it has hurt our relationship, but I can see how it could for some people. Luckily he is very supportive of my new healthier lifestyle. Perhaps Jane Doe hasn't been so lucky.

chunkydunk714

I didn't see the orginal post, but I think that if the man is a good father to her son, and he has "always been there" for her, she ought to be figuring out how to re-kindle the fire rather than abandon the relationship. IMO, long-term relationships/marriages don't just "happen"--both parties have to commit to keeping the relationship growing.

Yup! Giving up is the easy way out...gotta put in work and light the damn fire!

MichelleLaree13

Everyone could be a little hotter in my opinion. Physical is much easier to fix than emotional. If it is purely physical, why not say hey I have been busting my *kitten* to make myself happier and healthier I think you should do it too. It would help me stay on track if you did it too.

amathus

I've got to say, that OP sounds like a pretty scummy woman. He might be better off without her, if she's ready to dump him just because a few shallow men decided she's finally worth noticing. I hope karma bites her in the butt.

Brunner26_2

Unfortunately, it happens. I've seen a few times. It actually happened to my sister. She got gastric bypass surgery to lose weight for her wedding. She had been heavy all her life, and when she started losing, she started getting attention like never before. She still got married, which was a mistake. Their marriage was over less than a year later.

urloved33

"greener on the side we water" I have never heard that before, its great. Thanks for sharing. Life and people are shocking huh?

AJ_Pete

I was a bit saddened after reading a thread on another weight loss forum. I'll refer to the OP as Jane Doe. For about a year, Jane Doe has been proactive about her weight loss, and finally reached her end goal in June. Now, 30 pounds lighter, she questions if she "really loves" her boyfriend of almost 10 years. He is not overweight but she is finding him less and less attractive, especially, now that other men are showing interest in her. She ends on the note of, "He's a good father to my son, and he's always been there for me but.. the flame is dying.." Are people we love THAT disposable? We get a makeover and suddenly we feel we're entitled to (what we think) is the next best thing? It was really quite a depressing thread. Not sure what kind of feedback she was looking for.. Maybe justification? I don't know. What I do know, is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, it's greener on the side that we water! I think that's the feedback I ended up leaving her

I didn't see the original post, but as we lose weight and change our lifestyle, our habits change.. we change how we feel about ourselves. Maybe they've grown apart over the past 10 years and the negatives are more noticeable now that she's happier with herself and less complacent.

And if she decides to leave and not work on it, that's for her to decide. I'm sure it's a very tough decision for her because if she said the things that you have stated, she does have love and respect for him. But it's not fair to either person to stay and try if it's just not there anymore.

ObtainingBalance

That's very sad :c

ahsats

Relationships are complicated. I don't understand making a post knocking this woman and paraphrasing her situation for a bunch of strangers to comment on.

Maybe she's a crummy woman, maybe she's a saint trying to hold something together that's broken for awhile. Post about your own situations and relationship.

ObtainingBalance

I didn't see the orginal post, but I think that if the man is a good father to her son, and he has "always been there" for her, she ought to be figuring out how to re-kindle the fire rather than abandon the relationship. IMO, long-term relationships/marriages don't just "happen"--both parties have to commit to keeping the relationship growing.

Yup! Giving up is the easy way out...gotta put in work and light the damn fire!

ahsats

Yea this is one of those things were she will leave him then years later find herself overweight again and the new partner she picks will leave her for gainning the weight, then she will run into the ex she dumped who will be probably of a more active weight lol, and maybe with a chunky wife showing how he isn't so vain as to care about the physical,

and then she will move to Vegas where she will develop a massive gambling addiction and lose all of her money and then her kids who have grown older will abandon her because she can no longer financial support them and then she will lose her house and car and have to move to skid row where she will live in a cardboard box until she dies of a heroin overdose

126siany

I was a bit saddened after reading a thread on another weight loss forum. I'll refer to the OP as Jane Doe. For about a year, Jane Doe has been proactive about her weight loss, and finally reached her end goal in June. Now, 30 pounds lighter, she questions if she "really loves" her boyfriend of almost 10 years. He is not overweight but she is finding him less and less attractive, especially, now that other men are showing interest in her. She ends on the note of, "He's a good father to my son, and he's always been there for me but.. the flame is dying.." Are people we love THAT disposable? We get a makeover and suddenly we feel we're entitled to (what we think) is the next best thing? It was really quite a depressing thread. Not sure what kind of feedback she was looking for.. Maybe justification? I don't know. What I do know, is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, it's greener on the side that we water! I think that's the feedback I ended up leaving her

It may not be a "shallow" as you think.

When overweight and not taking care of ourselves, many have very little self-confidence or sense of clear agency and get into relationships which are really co-dependent. Where the other person's needs were all that mattered as long as they didn't leave.\

As people begin to take better care of themselves and become more self-confident, they realize that the relationship was not properly balanced and they weren't getting anything out of it. The entire power dynamic in the relationship changes, and either partner may want out when that happens. In some cases it makes sense because it was always a lousy relationship; in others, time and effort would have renegotiated the boundaries and ultimately led to a more fulfilling partnership for both.

PrincessRunnerLindsey

Now, 30 pounds lighter, she questions if she "really loves" her boyfriend of almost 10 years. He is not overweight but she is finding him less and less attractive, especially, now that other men are showing interest in her.

Since I haven't seen the OP, I can't fully understand the motivations behind those statements, but I know that I'm personally struggling with this right now. In my own situation, I'm feeling depressed and a little hurt I guess because I am putting so much effort - time in food prep and planning and grocery shopping, time and work at the gym, pushing for personal bests, etc. - toward bettering myself...and I'm watching him completely trash his own body. It upsets me that he can't get on board with at least some of the good things I'm doing and adopt them for himself. I know I can't change him or his attitude or actions...but I'm trying to affect him through the positive changes I have made in my own actions, and I don't want him to become the unhealthy, sad person I was before I started changing for my health.

Is he less physically attractive to me? No, not really. He can't have put on more than 10 lbs in the past 6 months through his bad habits, and even so he's nowhere near overweight, nevermind obese. But his habits and attitudes, which should reflect his values, are not at all attractive to me at this point in time. I value my physical health, I value my appearance, and I value our future together, so I have made and am upholding changes so that I can be healthy, fit and physically attractive, and so that I can live a long and happy life with him. I would hope that my partner has those same goals - that's something I want in a mate...but right now, he is not acting in a way that supports any of those values. He isn't working out at all, he eats horribly, and he doesn't heed health warnings from anyone, despite his and my own family medical histories.

Again, I'm not sure what was up with the OP, and my own situation could probably kickstart a whole other topic, but for me, the changes I've made seem like they could pull us apart, or leave me very resentful of him for not making changes of his own. Maybe there's more to it than getting attention from elsewhere. Then again, maybe not.

phynyxfyre

I am more concerned that my DH is not spending as much time with me lately. Apparently he has fallen into the trap of thinking that if I lose weight and am more attractive he will have competition or won't be good enough? I just don't know. Being focused on exercise does mean my priorities are different now. I think society encourages people to be suspicious if their partner starts exercising and primping more.

jennifermaffei17

If she was overweight and he wasn't, maybe she settled. Maybe she is reevaluating her life now for what is best for her and her children.

crimsoncat

I can understand where she's coming from, at least a little bit. I think when you change your lifestyle, part of your personality is bound to change....All of a sudden health and fitness is a huge part of my life, and it's a very minimal part of his.

I have to agree with this. I would argue that you generally like people with similar interests. It is possible that (while weight may be a symptom) this girl's interests have changed to the point where she and her husband have less in common than before.

Also, if he is not supportive of her weight loss, she could feel very stressed trying to make this new lifestyle work. I have know people whose spouse was so unsupportive of their health kick that they went so far as to constantly tease/harass the person at ever corner.

How would you like to come home to "God skeleton, you look like hell!" as one of my friend's did after she lost 50 pounds for medical reasons? She ended the relationship shortly after that because she felt disrespected and stressed out by his constant appraisal of her appearance. She later found out that he said those things because he wanted her to gain weight again so she wouldn't leave him for another man. Clearly, insulting her wasn't the right way to go about that.

I would also point out that there could be other underlying issues that she has with her husband (loss of libido, verbal abuse, disagreements about money, general stress, rude behavior etc.) which she is not expressing simply because she is either afraid too, feel embarrassed by them or simply is trying to ignore a bigger problem. As my psychologist once told me "often the problem is much deeper than it seems. People may say "I don't like wearing uniform X when they really mean I feel like I am not trusted to pick out my own clothing. I feel controlled and it hurts. Everybody understands feeling controlled or untrusted, but rarely do we say it like that. I think if we did more taking about our basic emotions we might solve more problems. It can seem petty to complain about uniforms, but few would argue that feeling mistrusted is a petty thing to be worried about."

On the other side of the coin I would argue that if her sudden weight loss has caused her to lose all love for her husband all by itself, the relationship was probably not good for either party. The husband in that case deserves someone less fickle and the wife could have had underlying self esteem issues which were unhealthy and cause her to "settle" for whatever came along. In this case, I think both parties deserve to be WANTED not settled for.

While it is sad that a relationship may be ending, I don't think it's wise to analyze one small (and probably biased) piece of data and make a judgement. How do you know she isn't trying marriage counselling right now? Who knows what data was left out.

small_ninja

I think the less confident you are in yourself, the more likely you are to settle. Maybe her weight affected her self-confidence and she settled for this guy thinking that she wouldn't have many other options, meaning the relationship isn't quite right. Now that she's gained a bit more self-worth and is realising there ARE other options out there, perhaps she's realised she's settled and wants to change that. I don't see any shame in that.

small_ninja

I think both parties deserve to be WANTED not settled for.

While it is sad that a relationship may be ending, I don't think it's wise to analyze one small (and probably biased) piece of data and make a judgement. Who knows what data was left out.

Nailed it.

Ralphrabbit

The grass may be greener but it will still need mowing!!
Invest in a relationship & keep working at it..........

skinnylove00

ew, it's gross how everyone here sees being thinner as being more valuable as a person.

ahsats

ew, it's gross how everyone here sees being thinner as being more valuable as a person.

I'm the most fat positive feminist ever and I don't see that anywhere.

onedayillbeamilf

I would hope that if I land me a great guy that's in it for the long haul and treats me and my daughter well, that I would grow more confident as I lose and use that confidence to improve our sex life.

CruzZ8

This is something that I have actually been thinking of for a while. I've noticed that many times, when people lose significant amounts of weight, they tend to break up with the person that they are with (especially if the person is also overweight). I think that when someone loses such a great amount of weight, they want to do things that they have never done before or simply want to try new things...and sometimes the person that you are with doesn't want those things, or can't, or doesn't crave adventure. We tend to want to be with people who want similar things because that makes us happy. I think that if people change, they also change the things they want to do and the type of people that they want to be with.

I am not saying that it is wrong or right, but I do think that tremendous weightloss can really change a person

crimsoncat

ew, it's gross how everyone here sees being thinner as being more valuable as a person.

I'm the most fat positive feminist ever and I don't see that anywhere.

Second this. I have only seen this expressed by one or two people who had known psychological issues. Since there are other opinions out and about, I wouldn't worry too much about this.

126siany

ew, it's gross how everyone here sees being thinner as being more valuable as a person.

I don't see where you're getting that?:huh:

miadhail

My fiance has been with me for over 2 years now and loves everything about me , every inch/pound of fat. He simply supports me in my weight loss although he feels that I don't really need to, at least it won't make him love me more since he already does. Why would I leave a man at my best when he has been there at my worst. I don't understand Jane Doe, it's like she kept him because she thought there'd be no one else. I totally disapprove of her whole thread and shall in no way justify everything she feels. Poor guy..