I'll need to fatten you up

Dahllywood

So I've been on 3 dates with a girl now. Things are great, we have great chemistry together, and have had a great time with one another. But tonight, multiple times, she mentioned that I can't be thinner than her. She says it in a joking way, like "its one of my rules to not date guys skinner than me, but ill make an exception. We just need to fatten you up". She said multiple things like this before.

This kind of bothers me. I really like this girl, and I think we have something great right now. But I'm not going to "fatten up" for anyone. My mom tried, my roommates tried, you can't force me to eat sh** just because I eat healthy and you don't. But I obviously don't want to say this to her. What should I do?

Takarameri

You don't have to be mean about it but be honest. Tell her that you worked hard to get where you are at and that you aren't amused by or okay with her jokes on the subject. Set clear boundaries. If she can't respect your boundaries and your health, then you'll have to decide if it is a deal-breaker for you.

karebrr23

I'd probably feel insecure if I was with a guy who was substantially smaller than me too, but I don't think it'd be a deal-breaker. Either you like somebody, or you don't. She should be able to respect who you are and not try to change you. I'd be honest with her if it comes up again and let her know that although you really like her, you're proud of who you are and don't want/need to change. Who knows, maybe she was just kidding. Either way, you should be with someone who loves you for you, not the version of you in her head.

tequila09

my guess is that she's just not into your body type.

Kimberleycommonname

as a former big girl, it completely changed my outlook a few years ago when a really thin friend said to me that he hated when people made comments about his size. "do you ever EAT??" "you're so SKINNY!" etc. I had no idea that that was a terrible thing to say to someone, and it's possible that your girl doesn't know that either.
If she doesn't change after you tell her then you might need to move on. But try explaining how bad that makes you feel first.
good luck!

maremare312

That's rough, but maybe just explain to her how hard you worked to lose weight and you're happy where you are now. Maybe you can cook some healthy meals for her if she's interested in losing weight. It IS tough being a girl and being heavier than your boyfriend, but that's her problem to deal with, not yours (obviously you can help her out with it, I don't mean that in a mean way or anything!)

zaph0d

Try responding with, "nah, we just need to lean you out a bit".

LinaBo

It sounds more like she's insecure about the state of her own physique, rather than her disapproving of yours. Throw her an unsolicited compliment or three on how attractive you think her figure is, and see if that helps the situation.

jenilla1

Try responding with, "nah, we just need to lean you out a bit".

:laugh:

mgnmsn

I understand where she is coming from. my guy is 5'6" and 115 pounds.... i am.... not. lol. but she is probably just nervous because she probably really likes you too. we tend to say stupid stuff when were nervous. i would casually mention mfp and how it changed your life. just let her know how you feel. but she honestly probably doesn't even realize what she is saying. if you really do like her, i would say stick it out. there are worse qualities to come across while dating!

1Clueless1

Lina, I was gonna say the same thing. To me it sounds like she is not happy with how she is and I agree that maybe a compliment or two might help but if not, that may need to be a talk y'all have. She will either respect it or you'll find out she isn't the girl for u.

megleo818

It sounds more like she's insecure about the state of her own physique, rather than her disapproving of yours. Throw her an unsolicited compliment or three on how attractive you think her figure is, and see if that helps the situation.

This. She's looking for you to tell her you like her body, even though she thinks she's a little chunky. Compliment her!

Interestingly enough, since I don't check the boards daily, I do remember seeing you post a while back that you were really lonely and were discouraged that you weren't dating. Seems like you've gotten over that hurdle and found a girl you really like. My advise is to be honest with her and tell her you've worked hard at losing a lot of weight, and while you love curves on her, you don't want them back on you. Tell her you hope she can appreciate your shape as much as you appreciate hers.

DON'T make some smart-*kitten* comment about "leaning her down" -- not if you want to keep seeing her. That's just stupid. No girl wants to be told she could be leaner, even if she could. Duh.

wholelottarosa

Hi, I agree with pretty much everyone else above that she's probably insecure and in need of reassurance.
I always fall for skinny geeks and sometimes that makes me a bit selfconcious too, seeing as I am not exactly skinny either...

That being said, don't let anyone fatten you up or change your ways otherwise. I know it's hard when people try to influence you but stick to your guns. I've had a look at your pictures and the change you've gone through is nothing short of amazing. Seriously.

diadojikohei

Speaking as someone old enough to be your mum, maybe she likes you and wants to fuss over you, some people do that by cooking, the 'feed you up' phrase might just be a family thing, my mother in law still says she needs to feed me up, and I'm 58 lb heavier than when I first met her 27 years ago!
Just laugh it off, and see where your relationship goes!
Chillax as my son says! :-)

Larisonlj

It sounds more like she's insecure about the state of her own physique, rather than her disapproving of yours. Throw her an unsolicited compliment or three on how attractive you think her figure is, and see if that helps the situation.

This. She's looking for you to tell her you like her body, even though she thinks she's a little chunky. Compliment her!

Interestingly enough, since I don't check the boards daily, I do remember seeing you post a while back that you were really lonely and were discouraged that you weren't dating. Seems like you've gotten over that hurdle and found a girl you really like. My advise is to be honest with her and tell her you've worked hard at losing a lot of weight, and while you love curves on her, you don't want them back on you. Tell her you hope she can appreciate your shape as much as you appreciate hers.

DON'T make some smart-*kitten* comment about "leaning her down" -- not if you want to keep seeing her. That's just stupid. No girl wants to be told she could be leaner, even if she could. Duh.

^^^ This^^^^ Oh Megleo, you are always spot on!:laugh:

FatDaddysMom

Speaking as someone old enough to be your mum, maybe she likes you and wants to fuss over you, some people do that by cooking, the 'feed you up' phrase might just be a family thing, my mother in law still says she needs to feed me up, and I'm 58 lb heavier than when I first met her 27 years ago!
Just laugh it off, and see where your relationship goes!
Chillax as my son says! :-)

Love this and totally agree with!

FatDaddysMom

Perfect response!!!

It sounds more like she's insecure about the state of her own physique, rather than her disapproving of yours. Throw her an unsolicited compliment or three on how attractive you think her figure is, and see if that helps the situation.

This. She's looking for you to tell her you like her body, even though she thinks she's a little chunky. Compliment her!

Interestingly enough, since I don't check the boards daily, I do remember seeing you post a while back that you were really lonely and were discouraged that you weren't dating. Seems like you've gotten over that hurdle and found a girl you really like. My advise is to be honest with her and tell her you've worked hard at losing a lot of weight, and while you love curves on her, you don't want them back on you. Tell her you hope she can appreciate your shape as much as you appreciate hers.

DON'T make some smart-*kitten* comment about "leaning her down" -- not if you want to keep seeing her. That's just stupid. No girl wants to be told she could be leaner, even if she could. Duh.
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saschka7

1. As several posters have said, she sounds a wee bit insecure with her own size.

2. While you *could* have a serious heart-to-heart talk with her about how hard you've worked to get where you are and how you really don't appreciate when she makes such comments, etc etc......a much quicker response that would get your point across AND clarify where you really stand with her is just to say:

"You do realize, don't you, that saying I need "fattened up" is just as rude as saying I need to lose a few pounds?" :happy:

It may possibly end the relationship for good, but that may not be a bad thing: if she gets offended at that, she's probably not worth it anyway.

PS. I know several posters have recommended complimenting her. While that may work, that just seems like too much work. We all have our insecurities of course, but do you really want to pander to someone whose self-esteem is damaged so much that it flows out like a nuclear spill and is projected onto you?

saschka7

The more I think about this, the more...ahem...she sounds....uh...not a great catch. Of course, that is entirely my opinion which counts for naught since I don't know either of you. But while everyone has 'guidelines/rules' on who they date (I joke that I only seriously date guys who wear Chuck Taylor tennis shoes and like at least 50% of the same music that I do--but that's not really a rule, it just happens that they all have), it's very......weird/insecure/rude/odd for a person to come out and say ""its one of my rules to not date guys skinner than me, but ill make an exception. We just need to fatten you up".

[insert complete stranger's opinion here ] She's telling you that she doesn't like you the way that you are, but if you change to suit her, she may come around. Who the hell needs that kind of conditional 'acceptance'? :grumble:

That remark is ill-mannered and shallow.

Dahllywood

Thanks guys, some great advice. She's by no means overweight and I think she looks great, so I think I will try what a lot of people have said and just compliment her more. I tried to bounce back as best as I could with compliments last night, hopefully they were effective. If she keeps bringing it up I will just have to give her the 'I've worked hard for this" talk and what you guys have been saying.

Thanks everyone . I'm glad people on here help me out with issues like this.