Observations...

mcn79

I posted this as a blog but I thought I'd post here, too...

I just logged in for my 85th day in a row yesterday and I realized the Monday marked the end of my 12th week using MFP. I'm amazed by the changes I've seen over the past 85 days. There have been physical changes, which are wonderful, but the changes I'm referring to are the mental changes, the shifts in mindset and the new perspectives. I find myself "seeing" something new, everyday.

I speak as someone who has struggled with emotional eating, being overweight and feeling guilty because of it for the past 25 years. I successful lost weight 15 years ago and kept it off, for the most part, for 10 years. I'd gain some but I'd get "back on track" and start exercising again. I'd return to weight watchers or I'd cut out carbs... and it would work and I'd feel great and then... then I'd stop. It was never immediate and it was never intentional... but gradually I'd work out a little less or eat a little more. I'd say "ok" to a second piece of cake or a third piece of pizza and ten or twenty pounds later, I'd beat myself up for it. I'd berate myself for eating all of those "bad" foods and I'd kick myself for being so darn lazy. And fat. And stupid...

Five years ago, I quit dieting. I decided I wasn't going to do it anymore. I was going to eat what I wanted when I wanted and I wasn't going to feel bad about it. And I did. In the process I gained almost 100 lbs but I also learned to love myself in the moment. I learned to observe my behaviors, my reactions and my motivations. I learned to really see my relationship with food. My therapist and I worked together to find - and comfort - the little girl inside of me who was eating to protect herself. I didn't know if I'd ever try to lose weight again...but what I did know is that I was never dieting again.

One of my biggest observations is how using MFP does not feel like a diet. I don't feel deprived. I'm not afraid I'll quit because all I want is one damn ice cream cone or an italian beef sandwich or anything other than plain chicken and steamed veggies. Instead I'm experimenting. I'm figuring out what works for me and I'm having success... on my own plan.

Today my observation? That when I get really, really hungry I panic that there isn't enough food. I always eat lunch fairly late... but I didn't eat much of my mid morning snack today and by the time I could tear myself away I was starving. I went to the Japanese/Thai restaurant on the corner and decided to eat-in. I saw sushi combinations meals on the menu, but they only came with two rolls... there is no way that is enough food, I thought. I'll be starving when I finish. Should I order something else? In a moment of calm, I decided to order the combo. I had grapes at the office and a protein bar. If I was starving, I could always eat more. I had my miso soup and my rolls (a California and a Tempura Sweet Potato) and when I left? I was full. Fear of not having "enough" is a common reaction for me but I don't always see it in action.

Yesterday at the end of the work day I had 898 calories left. I know for some people that's a lot of calories... but I recognized that there was a time when that would have seemed incredibly restrictive to me. Yesterday I looked and though "Oh, that's plenty of calories to have a healthy, satisifying meal," because I wasn't thinking about french fries or burgers or a blizzard. I did eat out - I had a Half Spicy Chicken Caesar Salad w/ grilled chicken and a sour cream and chive potato from Wendys. 898 calores were still more than enough.

ETA: My observation on Monday? I gained for the first time this week. I'm in the midst of moving and I went of own town for a family weeding this past weekend. Things are CRAZY in my life right now and I'm not getting enough exercise and I'm not drinking enough water...and as I started to freak out, I remembered... this is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm allowed to gain. It's ok. It's life. The important part is that I didn't quit. I didn't throw a fit. I took a deep breath and started planning how today could be better than yesterday and what I need to do to get back on track. I forgave myself and it made everything easier.

You might be wondering what these things have to do with one another or why I'm still rambling on... but for me these observations show just how far I've come. They show what a HUGE difference 12 weeks, 84 days, 3 months can make. I'm living my life completely different. I'm healthier, I'm happier and I'm empowered. I can't wait for what's to come!

ratherbeatthegym

I loved reading your story....very inspirational....I am so happy for you!!!!

wheezybreezy

I can absoulutely relate to this story! I'm working on changing my mindset as opposed to dropping weight at the moment, but the more I work towards healthy habits, the more the scale works in my favor anyway!

Congrats to you!

Sptwoman

"I'm empowered." That is my favorite line. I feel the same way. Coming to MFP everyday helps me focus on what I want to accomplish. Congratulations on your loss, your personal growth and your observations.