New and hoping to tone up my body and my self esteem
mrsgigandet
Posts: 53 Member
Hi there, everybody! My name is Whitney. I'm 22 years old and I was introduced to this website yesterday by my boss and one of my co-workers. I've always been nervous to introduce myself online to so many people, but I've done some poking around and everyone seems so friendly, I decided to take the plunge. I apologize in advance if my story is long, annoying, and/or both 
Growing up, I was never really what you would call overweight, but I was always a big girl. I was tall enough in kindergarten to fit in with the kids in fifth and sixth grade. My mom has always told me I was like a "rock" compared to other kids. When I was 6 years old, I weighed almost 100 pounds, but I still wasn't the textbook definition of fat. My doctor explained that I have a very large amount of natural muscle, which is something I pray to fully utilize someday
Even though I wasn't your typical chubby kid, I still got picked on a lot for my size. I was never able to wear the cutesy clothes that other girls did because of my size, so I was stuck wearing lots of t-shirts and junior's clothes when the other girls were in Disney princess garb. I guess you could say this is where my problems with self esteem started. It got worse when I was in second grade and got the chicken pox. I'm still not exactly sure what caused it, but after my chicken pox subsided, I started getting acne like some teenager who had just hit puberty. More than a decade later it has never stopped, though it's gotten slightly better over the years. It's left me very scarred, both physically and emotionally. The teasing got worse, and so did my self esteem.
When elementary school ended, our school population was split between two junior highs depending on what neighborhood you lived in. Out of 72 sixth graders, I was one of four sent to the "rough" junior high on the more questionable side of town. The kids there were relentless. I was picked on from day one so badly that I started faking sick several times a week to keep myself from having to go there. I was so scared to go to school that I started having panic attacks, which REALLY threw me for a loop. After about a month, my mom pulled me out of the school and decided to start homeschooling me, but the damage was already done.
I didn't understand what the panic attacks were, and my fear of them happening again put me into an endless cycle of anxiety. I constantly thought something was wrong with me, or that I was dying. The only comfort I found was in food. Every day I would wake up, do my schoolwork, and eat. That was basically the extent of my life. It all seems like so much of a blur now that I can't really even remember it all, but what I do remember is that when I was around 14 years old, I had hit 330 lbs. and I was miserable. I couldn't walk to the kitchen without getting winded. I can't tell you what it is, but something within me changed. It's like something hit me with a ton of bricks. I didn't want to live that way anymore.
I didn't know how to exercise, and quite honestly I didn't have the strength to do much of anything to begin with. So I walked. Literally, I walked from one end of the couch to the other a few times, until it felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I did this every day for weeks, walking a little more each day. Walking made me feel the best I had in such a long, long time. My nana, who I lost last year and miss dearly, heard about my walking ventures and told me about the 10,000-step-a-day program she heard about from McDonald's, of all places. She loved their fruit and yogurt parfaits and had received two little pedometers from eating there so often. She gave one to me and slowly but surely, I worked myself up to walking 10,000 steps every single day. I would wake up bright and early in the morning and walk for almost two hours. I didn't have a treadmill, so I literally paced back and forth in my living room floor. My mom has often teased that it's a good thing we don't have carpet, otherwise I would have left a little "trail" behind
I kept up my walking for around two years and I felt great. I weighed about 180 lbs. (My mom didn't like keeping a scale in the house because I tended to freak out over the weight on the scale, so I had to sneak in weigh-ins at my grandparents' house) and was in the best shape of my life by far. My entire life and happiness revolved around my weight and my eating habits, which looking back I've realized was a very dangerous thing. Everything kind of crumbled in May of 2006 when my mom was hospitalized and had to undergo surgery and subsequent physical therapy. My calorie counting days ended and I ate incredibly unhealthy hospital food (oxymoron much?) every morning, afternoon, and night. I didn't walk. Because I am an only child, my nana couldn't drive and my dad and pawpaw worked, I had to fully take care of my mom. Everything else fell by the wayside. Please don't take that as resent in any way - my mom is my best friend and I loved being there for her. The only one I had to blame was myself. At first I felt guilty, but then it felt GOOD. It felt good not to be consumed with calorie counting and weight watching and walking for two hours at the crack of dawn each day.
I slowly slipped back into my old patterns, and by the time I entered college in 2008, I was back up to about 250 lbs. and holding steady there. Sadly, I held steady there for several more years. It was last summer, as my self esteem continued to sink lower and lower each day surrounded by so many beautiful and perfect-looking peers, that I decided I wanted to change FOR REAL. I wanted to change my inside and my outside. I didn't want to do it just for my looks, but for the health of my insides and the health of my mind. I hate looking in the mirror and detesting what I see. I joined a Zumba class here at the college and started walking again. It was harder, balancing a job and much heftier coursework now, but I made it work.
I took a nutrition class this past spring to fulfill my degree's biological science requirement and got a lot more out of it than I anticipated. I learned about all the horrible preservatives and chemicals that go into our foods and drinks and I was sickened. My body deserves better! So I have begun trying to eat the most natural foods I can find (and afford!) to try and be good to my body. I have been off soda for two months now and drink nothing but water every day, and have limited my fast food choices to Subway with lots of veggies, and Chick-Fil-A for an occasional treat.
As I type this, I weigh exactly 200.2 pounds. A few times my weight has floated down to 198 (I cannot describe the happiness I felt seeing a "1" in that first slot) and up to about 202. I seem to be stuck on this plateau and it's been very discouraging. I hope I can get off of it. That's a large part of the reason why I joined here - after looking at my food diary after just one day. I'm starting to think that maybe I haven't been eating enough. Veggies and fruits all day just don't seem to provide me everything I need
Even if that number still seems a little high, I really do feel like I am getting close to my goals weight-wise. I will never be a petite little girl, I know. But I have gone down from a pant size 22 at the beginning of college (28 at my all-time worst) to a 15 now. I doubt I will ever get THAT much smaller, but I want to get healthier. Stronger. I have an athlete lurking within me that I want to let go. My second biggest goal right now is toning up the flabby skin that has taken residence in my arms, thighs, and tummy.
My BIGGEST goal, though, is toning up my self esteem. I have never felt beautiful in my life. If my friends tell me I'm anything positive, I automatically assume they're just lying to make me feel better. I have horrible acne still, and scars from it over the years. My face is lopsided, and my teeth are horrible (finally getting braces this December.) I have ugly hair that is frizzy and poofy, and never looks good for long. My face doesn't look pretty or feminine. I just can't find anything beautiful about my face, or any part of me really. I have stretchmarks all over from the weight gains and losses. I don't know how anyone could ever want someone who looks like me. I look in the mirror and just see the most ugly girl in the world. It's so hard for me to even type this right now, because it's so personal and I'm sharing it with a bunch of strangers. But you all seem so brave and strong and I want to be brave and strong, too. I want to look in the mirror and feel beautiful. I hated hearing that you look the best in your late teens and early 20s, because I'm 22 and if this is the best I'll ever look, I'm in for a world of hurt. My parents don't really even have pictures of me since my elementary years, because I'd rather break down sobbing than have my picture taken.
I don't have any pictures of my "before" self on me right now, and I really wasn't going to post anything at all, but I want to be brave - so here goes. I only have a webcam available right now, so it's just my face. Please be gentle. Thank you anyone who stayed around to listen to my drivel for so long. I hope we can get through this together.
Blessings,
Whitney
Growing up, I was never really what you would call overweight, but I was always a big girl. I was tall enough in kindergarten to fit in with the kids in fifth and sixth grade. My mom has always told me I was like a "rock" compared to other kids. When I was 6 years old, I weighed almost 100 pounds, but I still wasn't the textbook definition of fat. My doctor explained that I have a very large amount of natural muscle, which is something I pray to fully utilize someday
Even though I wasn't your typical chubby kid, I still got picked on a lot for my size. I was never able to wear the cutesy clothes that other girls did because of my size, so I was stuck wearing lots of t-shirts and junior's clothes when the other girls were in Disney princess garb. I guess you could say this is where my problems with self esteem started. It got worse when I was in second grade and got the chicken pox. I'm still not exactly sure what caused it, but after my chicken pox subsided, I started getting acne like some teenager who had just hit puberty. More than a decade later it has never stopped, though it's gotten slightly better over the years. It's left me very scarred, both physically and emotionally. The teasing got worse, and so did my self esteem.
When elementary school ended, our school population was split between two junior highs depending on what neighborhood you lived in. Out of 72 sixth graders, I was one of four sent to the "rough" junior high on the more questionable side of town. The kids there were relentless. I was picked on from day one so badly that I started faking sick several times a week to keep myself from having to go there. I was so scared to go to school that I started having panic attacks, which REALLY threw me for a loop. After about a month, my mom pulled me out of the school and decided to start homeschooling me, but the damage was already done.
I didn't understand what the panic attacks were, and my fear of them happening again put me into an endless cycle of anxiety. I constantly thought something was wrong with me, or that I was dying. The only comfort I found was in food. Every day I would wake up, do my schoolwork, and eat. That was basically the extent of my life. It all seems like so much of a blur now that I can't really even remember it all, but what I do remember is that when I was around 14 years old, I had hit 330 lbs. and I was miserable. I couldn't walk to the kitchen without getting winded. I can't tell you what it is, but something within me changed. It's like something hit me with a ton of bricks. I didn't want to live that way anymore.
I didn't know how to exercise, and quite honestly I didn't have the strength to do much of anything to begin with. So I walked. Literally, I walked from one end of the couch to the other a few times, until it felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I did this every day for weeks, walking a little more each day. Walking made me feel the best I had in such a long, long time. My nana, who I lost last year and miss dearly, heard about my walking ventures and told me about the 10,000-step-a-day program she heard about from McDonald's, of all places. She loved their fruit and yogurt parfaits and had received two little pedometers from eating there so often. She gave one to me and slowly but surely, I worked myself up to walking 10,000 steps every single day. I would wake up bright and early in the morning and walk for almost two hours. I didn't have a treadmill, so I literally paced back and forth in my living room floor. My mom has often teased that it's a good thing we don't have carpet, otherwise I would have left a little "trail" behind
I kept up my walking for around two years and I felt great. I weighed about 180 lbs. (My mom didn't like keeping a scale in the house because I tended to freak out over the weight on the scale, so I had to sneak in weigh-ins at my grandparents' house) and was in the best shape of my life by far. My entire life and happiness revolved around my weight and my eating habits, which looking back I've realized was a very dangerous thing. Everything kind of crumbled in May of 2006 when my mom was hospitalized and had to undergo surgery and subsequent physical therapy. My calorie counting days ended and I ate incredibly unhealthy hospital food (oxymoron much?) every morning, afternoon, and night. I didn't walk. Because I am an only child, my nana couldn't drive and my dad and pawpaw worked, I had to fully take care of my mom. Everything else fell by the wayside. Please don't take that as resent in any way - my mom is my best friend and I loved being there for her. The only one I had to blame was myself. At first I felt guilty, but then it felt GOOD. It felt good not to be consumed with calorie counting and weight watching and walking for two hours at the crack of dawn each day.
I slowly slipped back into my old patterns, and by the time I entered college in 2008, I was back up to about 250 lbs. and holding steady there. Sadly, I held steady there for several more years. It was last summer, as my self esteem continued to sink lower and lower each day surrounded by so many beautiful and perfect-looking peers, that I decided I wanted to change FOR REAL. I wanted to change my inside and my outside. I didn't want to do it just for my looks, but for the health of my insides and the health of my mind. I hate looking in the mirror and detesting what I see. I joined a Zumba class here at the college and started walking again. It was harder, balancing a job and much heftier coursework now, but I made it work.
I took a nutrition class this past spring to fulfill my degree's biological science requirement and got a lot more out of it than I anticipated. I learned about all the horrible preservatives and chemicals that go into our foods and drinks and I was sickened. My body deserves better! So I have begun trying to eat the most natural foods I can find (and afford!) to try and be good to my body. I have been off soda for two months now and drink nothing but water every day, and have limited my fast food choices to Subway with lots of veggies, and Chick-Fil-A for an occasional treat.
As I type this, I weigh exactly 200.2 pounds. A few times my weight has floated down to 198 (I cannot describe the happiness I felt seeing a "1" in that first slot) and up to about 202. I seem to be stuck on this plateau and it's been very discouraging. I hope I can get off of it. That's a large part of the reason why I joined here - after looking at my food diary after just one day. I'm starting to think that maybe I haven't been eating enough. Veggies and fruits all day just don't seem to provide me everything I need
Even if that number still seems a little high, I really do feel like I am getting close to my goals weight-wise. I will never be a petite little girl, I know. But I have gone down from a pant size 22 at the beginning of college (28 at my all-time worst) to a 15 now. I doubt I will ever get THAT much smaller, but I want to get healthier. Stronger. I have an athlete lurking within me that I want to let go. My second biggest goal right now is toning up the flabby skin that has taken residence in my arms, thighs, and tummy.
My BIGGEST goal, though, is toning up my self esteem. I have never felt beautiful in my life. If my friends tell me I'm anything positive, I automatically assume they're just lying to make me feel better. I have horrible acne still, and scars from it over the years. My face is lopsided, and my teeth are horrible (finally getting braces this December.) I have ugly hair that is frizzy and poofy, and never looks good for long. My face doesn't look pretty or feminine. I just can't find anything beautiful about my face, or any part of me really. I have stretchmarks all over from the weight gains and losses. I don't know how anyone could ever want someone who looks like me. I look in the mirror and just see the most ugly girl in the world. It's so hard for me to even type this right now, because it's so personal and I'm sharing it with a bunch of strangers. But you all seem so brave and strong and I want to be brave and strong, too. I want to look in the mirror and feel beautiful. I hated hearing that you look the best in your late teens and early 20s, because I'm 22 and if this is the best I'll ever look, I'm in for a world of hurt. My parents don't really even have pictures of me since my elementary years, because I'd rather break down sobbing than have my picture taken.
I don't have any pictures of my "before" self on me right now, and I really wasn't going to post anything at all, but I want to be brave - so here goes. I only have a webcam available right now, so it's just my face. Please be gentle. Thank you anyone who stayed around to listen to my drivel for so long. I hope we can get through this together.
Blessings,
Whitney
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Replies
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Welcome to MFP! Hopefully you will love it here as much as I do! Anyone who is interested is more than welcome to add me as a friend I am on here every single day.0
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Thank you very much It seems like a wonderful resource, I really hope it can help because I am so ready to make this change. 0
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welcome to MFP...this is a great tool to help lose weight.
Stay positive, eat clean and train dirty
Losing weight is a lift style change so it'll take time and hopefully this time when you lose the weight, it'll stay off.
You have to slowly add healthy meals to your diet daily or weekly, you CAN NOT say to yourself, "ok from now on its all lean meats and greens"; you'll crash...like i said add the healthy foods slowly
Drink plenty of water; try to workout 4,5 times a week, add protein to each of your meals and snacks. Protein builds muscle which will help burn fat and keep the fat off.0 -
Hi Whitney!
Let me just say that a few things....
1) no, your best years are not in the 20's! I am quite enjoying my 30's and suspect that my 40's will be even better!
2) you really shouldn't worry about your appearance so much, as we ALL age and things continue to change.
3) I don't see anything wrong with your picture...I think you're beautiful! I do however see a flaw in your self image. I know this most likely comes from all of the intense bullying that you have gone through. I incurred bullying as well ( My 5th grade teacher spent her whole year calling me "little fatty stupid girl". When I was a teenager I worked at an ice cream shop and my manager used to call me the shop's 'heifer'. Now, I have a very strong and direct personality and these things (as well as others) still had an effect on me and I didn't realize and fix this damage to my self image until my late 20's. So, let me ask you.....what are 3 physical attributes that you like about yourself? Yes, I want an answer.....
4) Start each day with a positive affirmation about yourself. On those days that you are so down you just can't find anything....remind yourself that you have the ability to love unconditionally (exhibited by your care of your mother) and owe yourself the same.
5) You mentioned how you could not understand how anyone could love or like anything about you. I will just say that no one is going to be able to convince you otherwise until you start to change your thinking. You did not mention whether you felt you were intelligent or not.(for the record, you obviously are!) You only seem to be negative on your physical attributes so I ask you....are you going to take control back from that hateful voice in your head? It will be a power struggle but until you take that control back and truly see your beauty (inside and out) then the little voice and those kids that spent years bullying you are winning.
6) It is not about the scale. It is about you feel about yourself. It does not matter if you are 300 pounds or 130 pounds, if you are not happy being you then you are not happy being you at any size....so work on that. Start a list of all the differences you have made in this world. You HAVE changed peoples lives for the better and do you really think they cared about an acne scar or whatever flaw you mentioned? Bet they didn't.... Give yourself more credit! I suspect this is why your home doesn't contain a scale. You cannot place your self worth to some number on a scale because it is only a very small part of who you are. When you go to the doctor and say you don't feel well, does he/she not take blood and look at what is going on on the inside to determine where changes need to be made? I am sure they look at the number on the scale too, but it again is only a small part of what they look at, so I encourage you to take the same approach.
Now that I have put that out there, I will say that I am sending you a friend request and you can message me anytime! In the meantime, hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself!!0 -
Wow, I'm so overwhelmed to see all of you amazing people welcoming me so warmly Thank you SO much. I am more and more excited to be here by the minute. I really feel like I can make a REAL change this time around, and never go back. You are all an inspiration to me!!!!
Ferziano- Thank you very much for the welcome and for that little tip about protein! I used to consume protein powder daily, then I heard it wasn't good for you so I slacked off. I think I will start using it again I don't want to be stick thin even if I could be, I want to be strong and powerful!
Worldofme- You are so sweet, thank you so much for taking the time to say all these things to me. It means so much to me.
I am SO sorry for the teasing you went through. The manager is disgusting enough, but for a teacher to call a fifth grader for that literally makes me sick to my stomach. No one should have to endure that from anyone, much less someone like a teacher who should be a role model. I really do feel like all the past bullying (and some present, I've had a couple incidents just in the past year as well) has made such a negative impact me and I hate it. I know they say no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, but I guess I gave my consent away a long time ago and I have NO idea how to get it back. I'm honestly not sure if I can think of three physical things I really truly like about myself. I like my behind, as silly as that might sound, even though I have some "cottage cheese" areas that I really hope won't stay there forever. That's really the only part of myself I can say I truly like, and even it isn't without its flaws.
I have never thought about positive affirmation like that, and I will start trying it. I've heard about looking in the mirror and saying "I am beautiful" and trying that, and it just doesn't work for me. I can't see myself and say those words right now. I know I have positive attributes, but I feel like they are all on the inside.
I definitely agree that no one can convince me until I convince myself. Even when a compliment leaves me glowing for a little while, it's like my own mind eventually takes over again with the negativity. I certainly don't think I'm the smartest cookie in the jar but like I said above, I CAN see positive attributes on my inside... it's just the outside I am stuck on. I want to take that control back more than anything, but after so long I am scared it is hopeless. I refuse to give up, though. I don't want to live my life this way.
Thank you again, for all your kind words and for the request as all. It is so heartening to read these words. I won't give up until I beat this monster.0 -
I'm Kate, 19 & want more friends to support me & for me to do the same!
Feel free to add!0 -
Boy have I been where you are at.
My suggestion for building your sense of self:
Mirror work -- it feels uncomfy as all get out at first, but trust me it works. Start you day off right, in the morning affirm the fact that you are a lovely intelligent and capable human being. Tell yourself that you love yourself! Start a love affair with you!
I started this about a month ago, and man, those first few times, I cried as I told myself that I loved myself. I cried as I said all this loving and positive things to myself. But now, I have a ritual where i go thru the alphabet picking out adjectives to tell my gorgeous self how wonderful of a human being I am. Now.. if i could only jump my insecurity fence, i would be so much better off, but all in due time, all in due time.
I sent ya a friend request, feel free to message me anytime!0 -
Well, let me give you 2 other clearly evident physical attributes....you have very beautiful eyes and gorgeous shiny hair! I have always wanted shiny healthy hair.......I'm envious!!
Now keep up the good work and realize that you have already made great strides towards seeing who you truly are!0 -
Hear, hear!! worldofme is right - gorgeous eyes and lovely, healthy hair. And about the age.... The 20s are absolutely not the best years of your life. Too much of the high school mentality still floats around that age group. The gossip and comparing. Keep looking forward. You have done a very brave thing by posting here so openly. Give yourself a pat on the back. 0
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Strongterra- I've always heard that talking to yourself in the mirror helps, but I have the hardest time ever thinking about even attempting that. It just seems ridiculous - not the talking in the mirror part, but telling myself things like that. I know I'd probably wind up crying all over myself, too. But I will keep it in my mind and do my best to try. I'm so glad it is working for you, you look beautiful and I am so glad you're learning self-love! That's even what I titled my page on here, "Learning Self Love" Thank you so much for responding.
Worldofme- Thank you so much, that is so kind and sweet of you. I appreciate that so much. I've never thought of my hair as "shiny," I've only ever thought of it as "oily" haha! I did think of another thing, and this is another stupid one, but I take great pride in my fingernails I feel like my fingers/hands themselves are pretty weird looking (way too small and dainty-looking for how the rest of me looks) but my nails have always been thick and strong, and I love painting them. It's always been a pick me up.
ebsTX- You are such a sweetheart too, thank you so so much. I guess I have just long heard all the sitcom jokes about how husbands wished their wives looked like they were 18 again. I've just been so scared that I've somehow missed my "prime" to go from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan and that now I'll never get there. That definitely makes me feel better though, thank you. I really agree about the high school mentality, I look at the girls around me at school every day and all I do is compare myself to them. Thank you again! I really do feel a little brave having been able to open up so much, I've barely been able to say these things to friends before, much less jump in and talk to strangers about it
Again, thank you all so so much. This community is so warm and wonderful. I love it.0 -
Add me too. It's a group effort and welcome to the group
Tammy
www.facebook.com/coachtammym0
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