When your family is insane... need help.

Keltinator · January 2010

Hi there. I just started here, hello, howdy, etc. But I din't post this in the intro forum because I need some help here.

What inspired me to start this journey was my family. They're obese. I'm not, just a tad overweight, but I want to start living healthier before I end up like them.

Example. Today I was making a hot chocolate and my cousin (14yrs old, 180+lb) came into the kitchen. She decided to make one, too. Now, I make mine with boiled water and instant powder. Instead of water, or even milk, she used...

Whipping cream, unwhipped. God help me. She made herself an extra-double-gigantic mug of it, topped it with... more whipped cream... and proceded to drink it in around fifteen minutes.

I want to help them! I'm sure someone here has dealt with family issues like this! How do I politely ask my family to change their eating habits, without hurting their feelings?

--EEK.

FireRox21 · January 2010

Wow. You've got a challenge on your hands. But, unfortunately there is not much you can do. A person must WANT to change for THEMSELVES before they will change for anyone else. It is going to be very difficult to get others to see they have a problem if they believe they are just fine. The more pressure you place on someone, the further away it will drive them. I am a recovering alcoholic and for over 6 years was convinced I was just fine. I REFUSED to listen to ANYONE that tried to help me, guide me, or teach me. Rock bottom came upon me fast and hard with the help of a few hours behind bars and a huge drain on my bank account.

Food is the same. A person must hit rock bottom and truly see themselves (inside and outside) before they are willing to change eating habits, diet, exercise habits, etc. My best advice is to keep healthy foods around you and your home. Encourage your family to join you for a walk around the block or ask your teenage cousin to spend a day with you "window shopping". That is an excellent way to get some exercise without really thinking that it's exercise. Also, persuade them to try "new" foods or ways to prepare food. You could say "hey, I heard about this recipe, wanna try it out?". After preparing it and eating it (and they are wowed with the taste and ask what is in it), you can explain to them just how simple the recipe was and it was made from all fresh ingredients, etc. You get the idea.

Just don't push your family. It will drive them away and further hinder the good that you want to do.

futfurd · January 2010

Firerox21 great reply. I have a similar problem with my wife. She is diabetic AND obese and refuses to deal with the issue. The more I push the more bull-headed she gets. I love her but there is only so much you can do. I may try some of your more covert suggestions.

Markieemel · January 2010

Your just rude. Help yourself and be a freaking example. Dont join the site just to come talk about how fat your family is. Who are you to judge? That kid is only 14 and 180. I was 14 and 250. He's probably jus ignorant like i was. Now get off your giant food throne and be an example and run a freaking mile...if you can that is :P

Zara11 · January 2010

Wishing to help ignorance isn't being rude. You, however, are. So help your own rudeness and be an example, hmm?

jclguru · January 2010

Maybe if someone told you at 14 to stop stuffing your face with cupcakes you wouldn't be where you're at now.

Nmama · January 2010

lol bitter much? Grow up

weaklink109 · January 2010

Hey, what's up with the attitude, dude? I read your profile and I can see you have had some challenges in your life, so you certainly ought to be able to understand when someone is asking for help.

Your profile says you profess to be a Christian. While that may be true, the tone of your reply to the original poster does not demonstrate much understanding. It sounds more like someone copping a 'tude. Maybe that was not your intention, but that is how it came across.

Markieemel · January 2010

I'm not being rude, i'm telling the truth. they have to want to help themselves. If SHE wants to change HERSELF all the power to her. but she CANT control others. only be an example.

Nmama · January 2010

True. You cannot control others, it'll just push them away. They have to want to do it

Markieemel · January 2010

Seriously? Do you jus' want to put somone down that bad?
But maybe your right. i've been fat my whole life.
so another judgemental person saying that probably wouldn't have helped.
Maybe they would've jus pushed me that one more inch towards suicide i was going to at that age.
Or maybe the wouldve helped.
Too late to know now.

Markieemel · January 2010

Sorry, but its frustrating. maybe i am having an attitude. maybe she sincerly wants to help them. but it sounds like she jus wants to talk...
And theres nothing worst than a family member gossiping about how freaking fat you are...

Zara11 · January 2010

She doesn't appear to be gossiping. She's asking for help about what she can do to help other people.

Let us all step back and breathe. It's hard to want to help people who aren't willing to chance no matter how unhealthy and self-destructive they're being. It's also hard being in the situation when the only person who can help you is yourself and you've a long journey ahead of you.

But, see, the best cure is to have prevented something in the first place. And, if done right, intervention saves lives, or at least, many years of misery.

weaklink109 · January 2010

I agree with your last statement. I am glad you responded, because you sound a lot more thoughtful now than you did the first time:flowerforyou: I wish you peace and success in 2010.

byHisgrace · January 2010

Honestly, sounds more like you are taking her comments personally, btdt much? I understand your points but the OP sounded more like a lightbulb has gone off for her (I don't want to be obese) so she now is trying to figure out how to spread the word without offending.

I think the replies posted give great advice, and you are right, setting a good example is ALWAYS the best road. So, giving someone advice on how to not post "gossipish" posts or come off as rude, without actually using the words gossip and rude, would be setting a great example, wouldn't it??? If you want your advice to be taken seriously, it might be good to take some of it yourself

You have obviously btdt with family members talking about you, so a plea for compassion and sound advice on what might have helped you would be a much higher, and more helpful, road to take.

Markieemel · January 2010

i wasn't asking for pity..

BrendaLee · January 2010

Lead by example. Share what you've learned, but try not to be too pushy...you can't shove health down someone's throat. It's hard enough to do this when you want it more than anything...it would be impossible if it wasn't something you were ready for. You can't change anyone else, you can only lead the way, and hope they follow, but don't count on it.

With the hot chocolate incident...did you say anything? I might have told her how crazy fattening the whipping cream is, and suggest she try a hot chocolate your way- maybe with a dollop of whipped cream on top. She probably would have still had the hot chocolate her way, but at the very least you may plant a seed of awareness.

BetterVersion · January 2010

Honestly, I don't think there is much you can do aside from giving encouragement... especially with your young cousin. In my experience, weight loss just does NOT work if the person does not want it and also cannot fully commit to a lifestyle change. Of course, none of us want to be overweight, but there's a difference between not wanting to be fat and truly wanting to better your life and your body. Your cousin, and each individual member of your family, will have to make that decision for themselves. All you can do is hope to inspire through your own success, and encourage and support those who show an interest in joining you. Good luck

FireRox21 · January 2010

Markie, breathe. Everyone, do the same. We are all here for a reason. All of us have a story. Many people will share, while others will only read on the sidelines until they are ready. (See "What Caused Your Weight Gain by Pannelkat"). The original poster was not being rude by any means. She was posting out of concern and frustration. Markie, I don't know if you read my post earlier in this thread, but I stated "a person MUST WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES BEFORE THEY CAN HELP ANYONE ELSE. Now, I have not read the original poster's profile, but she must be here to help herself. She posted out of frustration. The sense of helplessness can be so overwhelming.

On another note, it does not matter if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, etc., the want to help another is something that should be revered in this day and age as the world seems to be lacking (I watch WAY TOO much of the nightly news).

It is only out of LOVE and RESPECT did the original poster bring to light her concerns for her family. She is frustrated and exasperated.

As to the original poster being an example herself; maybe she is trying. I try EVERYDAY from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep to be a better example to MY FORMER SELF (drunk, slovenly, just plain crappy). I am not ashamed to admit it either. So please Markie, ease up. We are all here to feel better for ourselves, about ourselves, and our families. AND, if we can bring them along for the ride (for the better) so be it!!!!

akb2006 · January 2010

I don't think there is much you can do other than live by example. Its hard enough to change people that you live with (spouse, parents, ect) let alone extended family. No one can change until they are ready to do it themselves. Control what you can -- say when they're at your home or your at theirs bring healthy options don't allow junk into the house, ect. After they start seeing how much thinner, healthy, and more full of life your becoming I'm willing to bet they might be more willing to try to join your lifestyle with you. I know that I would feel depressed & extremely sad if one of my family members said put down the whip cream and start jogging. (Even if it was in a loving way -- I wouldn't have been ready to hear that until I was ready to change myself.) Just offer your support and offer if anyone wants to go rollerblading, jogging, ect with you. Work on what YOU can change.

futfurd · January 2010

All that is easy to say unless your watching a diabetic wife of twenty years kill herself slowly by refusing to come terms with the fact she is ill!

FireRox21 · January 2010

I don't believe there is anything I nor anyone else could say that could say what you are feeling. Is there any chance you could get your wife to read these message boards to let her know how you are feeling? Maybe writing a personal letter and setting a romantic, yet "painfully" thoughtful dinner could help you express your feelings?

estherguas · January 2010

I can totally relate...Growing up my family always ate a very delicious but super unhealthy diet...I'm puerto rican and cuban and us latinos tend to eat masses of rice, pork, heavy sauces and fried items like empanadillas (dough filled with ground beef and deep fried) and papa rellenas (ground meat inside of a mashed potato ball breaded and deep fried) Our foods are highly seasoned and full of fat...when we eat pork we eat the fried skin and all...lol my mother used to cook her butt of when I was a kid and meals always included rice, potatoes, beans wih a rich sauce, yuca, and bread oh yeah and a big slab of pernil (roasted pork) or chicken with the skin on again in a rich sauce...my mother would always ask us before serving us our plate "how hungry are you" and I would always say I'm hungry and she would serve me a plate that could probably have fed 3 people easily (I seriously do not remember eating veggies EVER).. and I would devour it of course...I'm not blaming my mother she did the best she could and she was an awesome cook and she loved for us to enjoy her cooking..but I think that my idea of what a normal portion of food should look like was seriously warped.. I don't know what advice I could give you regarding helping your family to see that eating the way that they eating is only going to cause them pain, and possible sickness....as the others have stated your best bet is live by example...hopefully they will see the light.

futfurd - my mother is now 73 years old, she has type 2 diabetes and recently her breast cancer returned...she does not take care of herself.. sometime I believe she is trying to kill herself with the foods she eats. She lives on her own and I primarily take her grocery shopping and her cart is always filled with garbage.. she'll spend 150 bucks and there will be maybe 50 dollars worth of real food...she's always making excuses saying that she's buying candy for her grandchild witch is a lie.. or she'll say oh these chocolates will last me months but when I go to her house she's eaten them all.. I've tried to make her put things I know she should have back when she grabs them but she just gets mad and says I'm not a child...I truly believe that she will never change.. shes 73...
I would simply tell your wife that you love her and it hurts you to see her hurt herself, tell her that you don't want her diabetes to get worse.. shop and cook healthier maybe if you modify your diet as well she will be more apt to follow.
Good Luck.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

BamaRose0107 · January 2010

Sometimes it is hard to just sit by and watch family members going down such an unhealthy road. Both my mom and dad have heart problems, my mom is diabetic and they both have weight problems. I tried to talk to them about the foods they ate and I even have told them it scares me to think about how bad their health is. I want them to be around to see their grandkids when I have a child. With all that I found that they did not have a problem with the way they ate, what it is doing to them or how it was effecting their weight. Sometimes you can scream and yell at someone but if they are not ready to listen you might as well be yelling at a brick wall. Motivation and the want to be healthy is a personal journey. I feel for your family and I know how you feel but in the end the end any change they make will have to be on their terms. My advice to you would be to encourage and support them. When they do decide to change maybe you will be the person they look to for help.

00Angela00 · January 2010

I don't think that you can force someone to change, they have to make that choice on their own. I also come from an obese family with lots of health problems which breaks my heart. On the other hand you mention above that ignorance is what played into you're own eating problems and I think that this is a HUGE factor in young and old people alike. When I began researching into how to be healthier I was amazed at portion control, calories, etc. I think it's natural to want to help people, I agree that it probably won't do a whole lot of good to join this website to try and help someone else, because they'll have to find their own motivation or it won't help much (I've seen too many people sneak food behind families backs and end up gaining weight when it's the family pushing them to lose the weight and not themselves) on the other hand, I do think that the message above was a little out of hand. Everyone deserves a good support team and your family is lucky to have someone who cares about them and wants to help them. I hope that all goes well for all parties involved. This is definately a tough and long road with an entire life style change. You have to reprogram your mind in ways that aren't at all easy to do.

Keltinator · January 2010

Wow, I didn't think I'd get all these replies in such a short amount of time... and thank-you so much to everyone who posted. I'd just like to clarify that I didn't join this site to help my cousin (or my family). I joined the site to prevent myself from ending up in their shoes... I kind of regret posting that, because of course that would strike a wrong chord with some people. I'm sorry Markie. I'm really very sorry.

But, "Markie,"...why would I gossip about my family? I mean, your post was kind of rude. I can't help but take offence from it. I mean, really? "Dont join the site just to come talk about how fat your family is. Who are you to judge? That kid is only 14 and 180. I was 14 and 250. He's probably jus ignorant like i was. Now get off your giant food throne and be an example and run a freaking mile...if you can that is :P" What is a food throne? You know nothing about my family! That cousin is a girl, for example! You are jumping to conclusions, and the fact that you know nothing about my family also means I'm not gossiping about them... I love them, of course. And I can run a mile. I'm captain of my soccer team. You don't know me.

I know the last bit I said was childish but I can't blame myself; that's really what went through my head upon waking up this morning and reading your reply. I'm sorry, Markie, for posting something that obviously piqued your anger. Sorry.

And thank-you again, so much, to estherguas, FireRox21, and everyone else who replied positively. You really helped me out. I will just eat healthily and focus on myself for now, and hopefully my family will see my efforts.

BroiledNotFried · January 2010

By making healthy choices yourself, you will be noticed by the others. You may find that you are in inspiration to those around you.

Last year, I started my "get healthy" journey. I was at the top of my healthy weight range, I wanted to be at the middle and not so soft in the middle. My daughters ballet teacher had lost 20 pounds, and she inspired me to join a gym.

I joined, and have been going 3 to 4 times a week for the past year. I am "fit", and I can do hard cardio for over an hour and lift more now that I ever could. My sister joined a gym, and my brother-in-law.

I did the South Beach diet, and got within 5 pounds of my goal weight. But, I just "fell off" the low carb wagon. I inspired the same sister and brother-in-law; and they both went on South Beach during the Summer. Together, they have both lost over 50 pounds. They look wonderful, and I am so proud. My other sister has been inspired too, and is watching what she eats.

But, over the past two months...I gained due to "not watching what I eat". I was once again, at the top of my healthy weight range, and the pants were no longer fitting. So, here I am again.

So, YOU just go on about your business in getting yourself healthy. Some of them will follow.

When your family is insane... need help.

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