Am I being naive??

MissyMissy18

I always feel weird posting personal "problems" on internet forums... but my mind has been running around in circles for weeks, and I would love some unbiased opinions on the matter!

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months, and we were friends 6 months before we began seeing eachother. We are crazy about each other, and this is the first relationship I've had that feels like it has a real potential for going somewhere. You know... the M word (yikes!)

So here's the "problem". I have a ****ty, soul-crushing, dead-end job that makes me miserable. I've been looking for something new for a whlie, and may have *finally* found an amazing new job opportunity! I don't want to jump the gun on getting my hopes up, but I had an interview that went well and they have asked me to come in for a second one next week. The thing is, the job is in Seattle, WA... the opposite side of the country (I live in DC).

When I first learned about the opportunity, without missing a beat, bf immediately said he would come with me (we had been talking about moving to CO together before this, but nothing concrete obviously). I was thrilled, but at the same time very apprehensive for a few reasons.

You see, he assumes that if we move out there together, we will be getting a place together.... but I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know how to tell him this. I have a LOT of reservations about living with a SO before engagement, and I have had a lot of friends and family warn me against moving to an new area AND moving in with someone at the same time (which makes sense... harder to meet new people, lots of new stressors to be dealt with all at once, etc).

Normally I wouldn't have a problem telling him how I feel about it, because he is very understanding and supportive, and respects my needs... what I am really afraid of is if I tell him we can't live together, he won't be able to move at all. He doesn't have much in savings right now, and he has some debt to pay off... without having a job lined up (which he really probably won't be able to do until he gets there.. he's a massage therapist) I just worry that he won't be able to find or afford somewhere to live if he's not living with me.

So.. I know we have a lot to talk about.. and we will once I have a better idea on if I'll even be offered the job... but for now I was just hoping to get some input or advice!! Every time I tell a friend or family member that he is planning on coming with me, they look at me like I have 2 heads. Am I being incredibly naive by hoping it will work out? Am I being unrealistic in not wanting to get a place together? *sigh*

Sorry for the novel.. I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts!

beernpizza

Maybe you could talk to him about you going first and getting settled in and then him moving in with you later on?

carriempls

It sounds like you know exactly what you want. You just need to talk to him about it.

Unfortunate timing, that’s for sure, but all you can do is be honest.

snoopytwins

You see, he assumes that if we move out there together, we will be getting a place together.... but I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know how to tell him this. I have a LOT of reservations about living with a SO before engagement, and I have had a lot of friends and family warn me against moving to an new area AND moving in with someone at the same time (which makes sense... harder to meet new people, lots of new stressors to be dealt with all at once, etc).

Normally I wouldn't have a problem telling him how I feel about it, because he is very understanding and supportive, and respects my needs... what I am really afraid of is if I tell him we can't live together, he won't be able to move at all. He doesn't have much in savings right now, and he has some debt to pay off... without having a job lined up (which he really probably won't be able to do until he gets there.. he's a massage therapist) I just worry that he won't be able to find or afford somewhere to live if he's not living with me.

May I ask...you'd be ok with him living with you if you were engaged? Or are you just generally concerned about having too much "new" stuff (job, living together, etc) at one time?

MinnieInMaine

I don't think you're being naive but you're definitely more of a romantic than your uber realist friends and family! There's really no way to say for sure how it's going to work out. Some folks jump in with both feet and get burned and some folks (like myself) do the same and everything works out great. Either you're willing to give it a go or your not.

You definitely have a lot to discuss. Try to think ahead to figure out how you'll handle the "what ifs". Like IF you do decide to move in together and he can't find a job right away, what's the next step? Since you're the only one he knows out there, where does he go if living together doesn't work out? I like the idea of you going out there first and geting settled before he moves with you too - a few months or maybe longer. That gives you a chance to get used to the new area and get to know your co-workers and job and all that. That may also give him a chance to build up his savings a bit so he can help with living expenses before he gets a job. Have him see if he can find massage therapist jobs listed online in that area - at the very least he could start making connections and asking questions.

Try not to get too serious with the discussions though, just in case the job doesn't come through.
Good luck whatever you decide!

ukulele2010

It sounds like you know exactly what you want. You just need to talk to him about it.

Unfortunate timing, that’s for sure, but all you can do is be honest.

I agree with the above. If you are not ready to live with your boy friend then don't do it. And, I'd say the conversation can get negative pretty fast - just be prepared to say, "no." And best of luck with the job.

wickednitsch

It sounds like you know exactly what you want. You just need to talk to him about it.

Unfortunate timing, that’s for sure, but all you can do is be honest.

^^^^^

Totally agree!
I mean really, you want him to move out there and live separately from you while you try out this exciting new job opportunity. But that's not possible and now you have a choice to make. Long distance, move in together, call it quits or turn down the job?

vinnieti

Somebody suggested it before but I think just you moving out there for a couple of months first might be best. Then you can figure out it if you even like it there, if you like the job, etc... I agree that there will be so many variables that it's probably not a good idea to move in together with everything else going on.

cheerforsteelers

Somebody suggested it before but I think just you moving out there for a couple of months first might be best. Then you can figure out it if you even like it there, if you like the job, etc... I agree that there will be so many variables that it's probably not a good idea to move in together with everything else going on.

This. If you get the job then discuss all your options with him. If he says he's willing to go with you and you don't want to live together then absolutely bring that up first. I agree with you going first and settling in. If you agree on him coming out later then that would probably be best. Someone else brought up the question about being engaged first before living together...if that's what you want. You might want to discuss that too.

KittieLea

Well, congrats on possibility of a new job!!
Unless he feels the same way about moving in before an engagement as you, there shouldn't be a problem.
However, if he doesn't think living together before being engaged matters or you don't know how he feels about the subject, you might have an issue!
If it were me, and my boyfriend asked me to move across the country for his new job, but not live together, I would probably be insulted. But that's just me!
Best of luck to you!

Dauntlessness

Okay, you have one of 2 options: Both in which-Yes, take the job.

1 Jump in with both feet for love. Understand you will have to support him financially for a while. Understand that there IS going to be times you want to rip out your hair because of him and him with you. There is going to be a huge culture shock and it would be nice to do it with someone you know and trust. Saying that, that can be a disadvantage because you only have each other to confide in and thats not the healthiest way to go.

2. Have him stay behind. Go get this job. If it doesn't work out between you two, you should have no regrets OR let any man hold you back from living your life. Resentment is an awful thing that can eat at you if you don't take it. Once you get established then he can move in. If your relationship cant handle a few months of being apart...you are not ready for the M word.

Molly_Maguire

I don't think you're naive at all. If anything, you are being really smart and responsible. If you are offered the job, I would move out there, and have your bf follow you out after he lines up a job, so he can afford his own place.

DO NOT move in with him so soon, you've only been dating for 6 months! Things are great now, but I would make sure that's not just the "honeymoon phase" of your relationship talking. Even my horrible, abusive and violent relationship with my ex (not to say that your bf is anything like that) was great in the beginning. Then as soon as he talked me into moving in with him things went sour FAST. Make sure your relationship is stronger than that before moving with him!

amykff

i think if he's willing to move across the country for you then he obviously is in for the long haul! id question your own reservations....sorry if i sound harsh wish ye the best of luck x

ILoveTheBrowns

flip a coin....its failproof......ive never regretted a decision from a coin flip...ever...well one time ....nevermind dont flip a coin

eyestylemom

Okay, you have one of 2 options: Both in which-Yes, take the job.

1 Jump in with both feet for love. Understand you will have to support him financially for a while. Understand that there IS going to be times you want to rip out your hair because of him and him with you. There is going to be a huge culture shock and it would be nice to do it with someone you know and trust. Saying that, that can be a disadvantage because you only have each other to confide in and thats not the healthiest way to go.

2. Have him stay behind. Go get this job. If it doesn't work out between you two, you should have no regrets OR let any man hold you back from living your life. Resentment is an awful thing that can eat at you if you don't take it. Once you get established then he can move in. If your relationship cant handle a few months of being apart...you are not ready for the M word.

This. Absolutely this.

Now...that being said, I moved across the country for my bf. Left my family and friends and had no job when I got there. Moved in together after having a long distance relationship for 2 years. It was rough. Really rough. And I left after 5 months. Went to a relative's house a few states away. We didn't talk for an entire month. And then we realized something, that we really wanted to be together and we were gonna have to work on it and deal with it in order to do that. We just celebrated 16 years of marriage. IT can be done, but it will be hard.

zeebruhgirl

Is the job more important or your boyfriend?
Could you live without one or either or both?

Figure it out :]

crystalflame

So here's what I'd do (and what I kinda did): if you get the job, move out there. Get a cheap place on a short-term lease just big enough for you while you get acquainted with the area. Have him visit you a couple of times and look for possible job opportunities. Once you feel settled and you both feel sure about the relationship, he can move out there and rent short-term or month to month, and when you guys are ready, see a real future together, and have gotten a lot more familiar with the city you can pick out a place that's ideal for both of you. You don't have to give up on either of the things you want, it's very possible to make it all work


...But if I were forced to choose one or the other I'd choose the job.

Im_NotPerfect

I think you need to dig deep and really decide how you feel about the relationship. My hubby and I were living together within 6 months of dating. But we also knew after 1.5 months we were getting married. When we first got together, I was making plans to move to Ireland for a year. Immediately he said he'd go with me. That told me he was sticking around.

I agree with Amykff, you need to question your own reservations because obviously he's there for you...

LilRedRooster

I wouldn't say that you're being naive at all.

The main issue is that it seems like you have a lot of conflicting priorities, and the timing has really brought them to light.

What I would suggest is making a list of priorities for you (like not moving in together without being married, relocating for the job, etc.), think about reasons or instances that might change your perceptions on those priorities, and then writing down and deciding upon which ones you aren't willing to change.

For instance, moving in together. What factors might change your decision on that? If you knew each other longer? If you were engaged? If it weren't in a new city? Think about instances that might change your decision to not move in together, and than ask yourself if that priority is one that is something you'd be willing to let slide a bit.

It sounds like you definitely know where you're going for yourself, and that's a great start. Just remember, all the compromises that you might be willing to make should be ones that you WANT to make, no ones that end up happening because you think that's what you're supposed to do. It's very important to look at all of your decisions and make sure that you are making them because YOU want to.

As someone who moved away from all their friends and family and moved in with someone, I would say avoiding moving in with someone right away is a good idea, but not just because it's a new area. For newer relationships, it's important to get a good sense of yourself OUTSIDE the relationship, and that really only happens when you each have a sense of your own space, which is much easier when you aren't sharing a living area. Is it impossible to get that space while living with someone? Nope. If you have separate identities outside the relationship (hobbies, sports, etc.), then space isn't an issue, because you'll be able to define yourself without the relationship. It's all about perspective, and it can be worked around. Being proactive just has to be a priority.

Good luck!

sleepytexan

If you get the job; go alone. He can come visit. You need a minimum of 3-6 months to get yourself oriented, both with work, and socially.

If things are going well, he should start looking for a job there. By the time he finds one (or is willing to show up and work as a waiter for a while); you will be settled in and be able to guide him toward a roommate and an apartment (not yours).

You are smart to have reservations about living together -- but I'd take it one step further. Wait til you're married.

Dub_D

Just break up then quit your job.

carriempls

flip a coin....its failproof......ive never regretted a decision from a coin flip...ever...well one time ....nevermind dont flip a coin

What's great about flipping a coin isn't the outcome but when it hits the air you know which side you're hoping for it to land on.

That's your answer.

Cliffslosinit

Do HIM a favor and break up.

infamousmk

You should discuss this with him. All good relationships are founded in open, honest communication.


But, if you're not sure you're ready to get a place with him, then I say do whatever the hell you want ... if it was meant to be, it will work out in the end. Don't hinge YOUR personal future on a *maybe* relationship.

oregonzoo

Maybe you could talk to him about you going first and getting settled in and then him moving in with you later on?

This is a great one.

gavini

dont make a decision based on "we have only been together 6 months" time passed in one relationship is completely different from another, this should not be a reason either for or against any decision.

do look in your heart, if you arent ready for the level of commitment that moving in together entails then you certainly arent ready to do so on the other side of the country. if next month he asked you to move in with him in DC, would you consider it or think, no way, too fast, not sure enough about this guy for that step yet? if it is the later then no way to you move in with him in seattle.

bottom line, the advice from several others here is good, you can move and have a plan for him to follow in a say 6 months. that allows him to visit and plan his move and for you to settle in to a new world. maybe you will hate it, then you are really stuck out on a vine. distance makes the heart grow blah blah blah so a little long distance relationship is not the worst thing, it could help clarify feelings for both of you going forward.

the flip side is, if you love him and think he might be marriage material, what have you got to lose? better to find out now that he snores too much and see if you can live with it than later. if you move in together and it doesnt work out, do you think the relationship would have had a better chance if you had waited 6 months or 2 years before you moved in or got married? why would that make a difference? the only difference would be in when and how the awkward difficult part plays out if things dont go as planned

Pedal_Pusher

This is a HUGE life decision, you need to be straight up honest with him. If he has a problem with it then maybe you can find a way to work it out. Don't just sweep it under the carpet like some disease you hope will go away if left alone.

MissyMissy18

Thanks all for the input. I have a lot to think about, and a lot to talk about with him..

I hadn't really considered the option of moving out there first and establishing myself before having him come out there, so I think I will bring that up to him and see what he thinks about it.

Just to clarify, to those super helpful posters who advised me to do him a favor by breaking up with him: the reservation I have about the situation have nothing to do with the way I feel about him. I love him, there's no question. I want him to come with me to Seattle. I want to live together.. eventually.

I have been raised to believe I should never move in with a significant other before being engaged, or at least knowing we will be engaged. This wasn't for any religious or moral reasons, my mother just always strongly advised me against doing so because in her experience it very rarely ends well. I also live in a post-feminist age where fierce independence is highly valued, and things like moving across the country with a boy you've been dating 6 months is kind of looked down upon by one's lady-friends. I'm guilty of this myself. I'm having a hard time sorting out which feelings are my own, and which feelings are the ones I'm "supposed" to feel.