Eating Disorder recovery- it IS possible! My story

fuzzysham

I was a chubby kid and tired of people making fun of me. When I was 13-14 I started exercising and eating healthy, however I soon spun out of control. I remember the exact date I started slipping into an eating disorder. I had lost a good amount of weight and was finally in a healthy BMI range, but after I had ( a healthy dinner) I remember saying..."I worked so hard to lose this weight and I just ate it all back". That was the start of it all. That one dinner.
I spent the next few years starving myself until people would comment on how sickly skinny I was. I wasn't actually in the anorexic "weight range" for a long time, but I knew I had to be the *best* at this and be the sickest I could be. No one understands that feeling unless they have been in a similar situation. I hid it from my parents for a long time, but they knew what was going on. I was depressed, I wouldn't eat, I would exercise secretly at night. Any amount of stress immediately made me get worse. Towards the last few years of my eating disorder I started purging. I never really binged and purged, I would just purge. It felt so nice to know I could just get rid of the food- and feel better afterwards.
I went to all kinds of therapists and nutritionists but I knew that unless I wanted to change, i wasn't going to follow anything they told me. I needed something bad to happen. Something that would show me "oh X happened and now youve been there and you can recover". X ended up being a misscariage, losing some of my hair, purging every day etc.
Then I dated a guy. Total douche, but I believe everything happens for a reason. And I believe that reason was making a bet with him that I wasn't going to purge for a whole week. That whole week was 4 years this july 17th. I felt like I have gotten to that low point and I might be able to move on from it. I got the NEDA logo tattooed on my ankle and from that moment on I felt like I could let go. I had done this and gotten the mark in time tattooed on me and no one can deny that I went through this even if I'm not skinny like that anymore. That tattoo was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. I look at it and I think of how strong it made me.
It has now been over 4 years since I've purged or starved ( of any kind).
I gained a lot of weight as part of my recovery process and yes, it has made me feel extremely uncomfortable. But it took me a few years until i was able to exercise without falling back into old habits. I used to exercise everyday and now telling myself that I don't feel like it tonight, is an accomplishment. I started using MFP and I have (healthily!) lost 24 pounds since about April. It is the nicest feeling to do this healthily and still enjoy my favorite foods that I could never go and eat!
It has been a long and bumpy road....there have been a few occasions where i wanted to purge- but why throw these years of hard work away? I worked my *kitten* off for them! I thought I was going to be sick forever, but it IS possible to recover- once you know you really want to and are able to let go.
Today, I have no problems talking about my eating disorders. If any of you need support- feel free to add me! Only someone who has gone through something like that will truly understand how you feel.
I want this hellish experience to help other people- it helped make me the strong person I am today

angelicasmommy

You are an inspiration. I am a binger, have been for 2 years. I tried purging once and it just didn't work, I would only dry heave. I havn't tried it since. I wish I could stop bingeing.

dalana84

You are truly an inspiration and so brave for telling your story. After high school I started to purge. It didn't matter if I ate a donut or a salad I would eat it and purge it. I surfed the web for hours a night for "tips on how to do it right". My throat was always sore from acid from bile, my hair came out in clumps, my knuckles were always raw and I always had to figure out before I ate how I was going to sneak away to purge. I was also a terrible binger. I was lethargic and crabby. I spent all of my time and energy on the disorder. I met my boyfriend while still purging and he showed me so much love and support. He quickly figures out what I was doing and gently but firmly told me that it needed to stop and offered to be there for me the entire way. He loves me for me and that was just enough of a motivator for me to at least try to get better.
Now a few years later I am finally doing this the right way. Sometimes I still get sneaking urges to purge but Ive made this decision to have a healthy lifestyle instead of doing it specifically to lose weight. I feel so much healthier now and have so much more energy. I do not own a scale because I have always had toxic relationships with them. I have learned to embrace NSVs as my reward instead of a number. I weigh in once a month at my dads house and though it was hard right away, it has been one of the biggest factors in helping me to stay healthy.
I hope that I can inspire just one other person struggling and trying to recover. You can do it, you don't have to live like that forever. Set small achievable goals, I promise you that first one will carry you through to the next one, and throw out that scale!

mbajrami

Amazing story. Truly an inspiration!

fuzzysham

Amazing story. Truly an inspiration!

Thank you!
If I can just get one person to not go through the crap I had to go through, it would all be worth it

fuzzysham

You are an inspiration. I am a binger, have been for 2 years. I tried purging once and it just didn't work, I would only dry heave. I havn't tried it since. I wish I could stop bingeing.

Thank you!
I know it won't be easy for you to stop, but I know that you CAN do it. have you tried any treatment facilities/therapists/group therapy?

mylifeisbeautiful

Thank you for sharing your story. It's incredible that everyone on MFP has their own story to tell and - happily - that so many stories involve arriving at a positive place. That is the goal for us all here, and it is important to hear from others that it CAN be done. I really respect the struggle it took you to get where you are and truly congratulate you on your success! Wishing you health and happy days

Themuseinme

Thanks for telling your story:flowerforyou:
I am so proud of you.I can only imagine what a struggle it was recovering.
its wonderful that you want to help other people,
You will certainly help alot!! Sort of adds meaning to our struggles,answers the whys we go thru stuff, whatever they are, when we make it thru and start h elping others,

meeper123

My aunt actually died of complications related to anorexia it was really sad She was so pretty and then she lost her teeth and hair and looked like a skeleton finally she died our whole family was destroyed by it. I am so glad that you got help your a very brave woman for sharing this

starla5881

I'm sending a digital hug your way. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I may not know you, but I'm proud of you and what you have accomplished.

fuzzysham

You are truly an inspiration and so brave for telling your story. After high school I started to purge. It didn't matter if I ate a donut or a salad I would eat it and purge it. I surfed the web for hours a night for "tips on how to do it right". My throat was always sore from acid from bile, my hair came out in clumps, my knuckles were always raw and I always had to figure out before I ate how I was going to sneak away to purge. I was also a terrible binger. I was lethargic and crabby. I spent all of my time and energy on the disorder. I met my boyfriend while still purging and he showed me so much love and support. He quickly figures out what I was doing and gently but firmly told me that it needed to stop and offered to be there for me the entire way. He loves me for me and that was just enough of a motivator for me to at least try to get better.
Now a few years later I am finally doing this the right way. Sometimes I still get sneaking urges to purge but Ive made this decision to have a healthy lifestyle instead of doing it specifically to lose weight. I feel so much healthier now and have so much more energy. I do not own a scale because I have always had toxic relationships with them. I have learned to embrace NSVs as my reward instead of a number. I weigh in once a month at my dads house and though it was hard right away, it has been one of the biggest factors in helping me to stay healthy.
I hope that I can inspire just one other person struggling and trying to recover. You can do it, you don't have to live like that forever. Set small achievable goals, I promise you that first one will carry you through to the next one, and throw out that scale!

Thank you!

I still sometimes worry that my friends, who knew me back then, think I go to purge after a meal when really I just go to wash my hands now.
Isn't it a nice feeling when you stop worrying about being that skinny and more about feeling healthier?
For a long time the subject of weight made me uncomfortable, or whenever someone would comment on how skinny another person is. Knowing that I know have the power to healthily lose weight and shape up feels better than any purge ever did!
You are very lucky to have such a supporting boyfriend! I had dated one, before the *kitten*, who denied that I ever had a problem because "all girls think they are fat". God, i'm so glad I'm not with him anymore...
And speaking of lacking energy from the disorder, do you ever wake up so hungry you are nauseous? Whenever I do feel like that I just wonder how I ever managed to feel like that all the time. It freakin' sucks!

mockchoc

Wonderful news!!! I was bullimic about 30 years ago. Yes we can do anything we put our minds to! Isn't it great to find out we are so strong when before we didn't realise we had it in us?

windycitycupcake

hey thank you for posting that and being so honest. it means alot to be able to read stories like this!

fuzzysham

Wonderful news!!! I was bullimic about 30 years ago. Yes we can do anything we put our minds to! Isn't it great to find out we are so strong when before we didn't realise we had it in us?

I agree! The real strength within us is not that we can starve ourselves, but that we can recover and move on from Ed!

dalana84

I actually just thought about feeling hungry the other day! I forgot to bring lunch to work and wasn't able to go grab it. I ended up feeling almost sick I was so hungry. My hands were shaky and it was just awful. I remember, before I started my recovery, striving to feel that way! I could not wait to get out of work and put something in my stomach, the feeling was awful! Looking back sometimes I try to figure it out, but in the end I'm just so happy not to have to live like that anymore.

fuzzysham

I actually just thought about feeling hungry the other day! I forgot to bring lunch to work and wasn't able to go grab it. I ended up feeling almost sick I was so hungry. My hands were shaky and it was just awful. I remember, before I started my recovery, striving to feel that way! I could not wait to get out of work and put something in my stomach, the feeling was awful! Looking back sometimes I try to figure it out, but in the end I'm just so happy not to have to live like that anymore.

It is such a great feeling not having to live like that anymore! Now we are finally in control of our bodies. Not ED.

AbsoluteNG

Overweight, fat, and obese people also have an eating disorder. ED is not limited to people who purge and starve themselves.

fuzzysham

Overweight, fat, and obese people also have an eating disorder. ED is not limited to people who purge and starve themselves.

Yes.

angelicasmommy

You are an inspiration. I am a binger, have been for 2 years. I tried purging once and it just didn't work, I would only dry heave. I havn't tried it since. I wish I could stop bingeing.

Thank you!
I know it won't be easy for you to stop, but I know that you CAN do it. have you tried any treatment facilities/therapists/group therapy?

I am seeing my family dr, but he doesn't seem to understand, he just tells me I have to stop. I am gluten intolerant, and when I told him I used to binge on gluten foods, he said he never heard of anyone doing that when they are not supposed to. I don't do that anymore but I still binge on gf foods especially Ice cream
I feel like I am addicted to food. I think about it first thing in the morning when I get up, on days like today when I am sick or don't feel good, I just want to eat. No matter what kind of day it is, I just feel like eating. I hate it.

fuzzysham

You are an inspiration. I am a binger, have been for 2 years. I tried purging once and it just didn't work, I would only dry heave. I havn't tried it since. I wish I could stop bingeing.

Thank you!
I know it won't be easy for you to stop, but I know that you CAN do it. have you tried any treatment facilities/therapists/group therapy?

I am seeing my family dr, but he doesn't seem to understand, he just tells me I have to stop. I am gluten intolerant, and when I told him I used to binge on gluten foods, he said he never heard of anyone doing that when they are not supposed to. I don't do that anymore but I still binge on gf foods especially Ice cream
I feel like I am addicted to food. I think about it first thing in the morning when I get up, on days like today when I am sick or don't feel good, I just want to eat. No matter what kind of day it is, I just feel like eating. I hate it.

If there is any way you find a ED specialist- it would be very helpful because they know exactly what you are feeling! Have you read the book Life without Ed by Jenni Schaefer? ( I think thats her name). You feel like the book is written for you because you can relate to her so much. If you haven't already read it, pick it up. Its a big relief reading it and she talks about her struggle and how she managed to recover- there are some chapters where she discusses binging as well

onyxgirl17

The beginning's of your story are similar to my teenage years. I was chubby as a pre-teen and my family had NO PROBLEM letting me know it. Even though my mom was overweight because she was overly critical of herself she would throw in snide comments here in there thinking it was cute. It's not. I remember being 5 feet 0 inches and 12 years old, looking in the mirror and seeing cellulite (bit young for that? no? I was chubby though). That was the first time I saw myself in a negative light and it stayed with me for a long time. I started watching how much I ate and started dancing to my favorite pop songs and grew 5 inches and lost 15 pounds. This was now at the age of 14. I still felt awkward, because some clothes fit me weird and I guess it was just because I was changing hormonally. I gained a bit of weight from 14-15 got up to 120 pounds again and I was disgusted with myself. (I guess I saw that 12 year old girl again, cellulite, blahblahblah). So I cut my calories down to 1200 religiously and exercised about an hour a day sometimes two hours a day. I gained an additional inch of height and by the age of 16 was 5 feet 6 inches, 101 pounds. I remember seeing the scale and getting scared of dropping below 100 pounds, I knew it wasn't good. I also was entirely consumed in thought about food, how much to eat or not to eat, why I don't fit in size 2's still... etc. I was that weight and still had a smidge of cellulite (yea I know it's genetic, but try reasoning with a 16 year old girl who sees all the other 16 year old girls who don't have it).

People started commenting on how skinny I was, not in a good way. My cousins would try to fatten me up, lol. Anybody who has had an eating disorder knows this doesn't help, although I appreciated their concern. What helped me was getting involved in activities, volunteering, getting opportunities to look at life through bigger ways than just myself. It took years to recover and those thoughts never completely leave(still dissatisfied with this and that, lol), but I try to not focus on a negative self-image and try to just be the healthiest happiest me I can be. And I compliment myself and the parts of me that I love.

fuzzysham

I will add you because nothing like having friends that know exactly what you have/are going through!

Graelwyn75

Glad you managed to get your life back. I am still battling after over 20 years of disordered thinking and eating patterns, with the odd few years of respite. It is incredibly hard. I went from a 5'11, 70ib anorexic to a laxative abusing anorexic to now fighting bulimia and the obsession with keeping my weight at the minimum bmi. It is hard. I am fortunate in having a wonderful person helping me in real life who knows what it is like and is hopeful I can reach a point where I can find happiness again but my own hope has been dwindling lately and I am battling crippling depression and ocd as well. It is hard to know what is normal eating when you have been filled with so many ideas regarding clean eating, low carb, paleo, cheat meals and find yourself in knots trying to figure out the best way forward.

fuzzysham

It is extremely difficult and its the hardest thing for anyone ever to go through- but you CAN recover
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it so beats any disordered thinking/behavior!
Do you feel that you have reached "rock bottom" yet?

NocturnalGirl

Thank you for showing us that recovery IS possible. You're definitely an inspiration You should be very proud!

How did you deal with the horrid weight gain during recovery? I got rid of my scale but I can feel myself gaining by trying to eat "normally" since I stuffed up my metabolism so much and that makes it more of a struggle to recover since I want to lose weight.

fuzzysham

Thank you for showing us that recovery IS possible. You're definitely an inspiration You should be very proud!

How did you deal with the horrid weight gain during recovery? I got rid of my scale but I can feel myself gaining by trying to eat "normally" since I stuffed up my metabolism so much and that makes it more of a struggle to recover since I want to lose weight.

Thank you!

Honestly, I just distracted myself as much as I could and I was lucky to be with a supportive boyfriend and have a supportive family. It was hard. Really hard. But I knew I couldn't "do anything" about it until I was ready to do it in a healthy way.
That part of recovery really really sucks, but once you are able to maintain and log everything with mfp and exercise because you want to, not because you have to, and you can go out and eat with friends, it is SO WORTH IT. Now looking back I see how miserable I was for years! Now I'm like....I can enjoy food- alone or with friends, and being skinny is not the only thing I think about and it is so freeing!

fuzzysham

also, the nice thing is that you can really eat whatever as long as it fits in your mfp calorie range ( granted, not the healthiest thing out there, but you can still eat *bad* foods, I don't really like calling it that but I know how ED people see that)

NocturnalGirl

Thank you for showing us that recovery IS possible. You're definitely an inspiration You should be very proud!

How did you deal with the horrid weight gain during recovery? I got rid of my scale but I can feel myself gaining by trying to eat "normally" since I stuffed up my metabolism so much and that makes it more of a struggle to recover since I want to lose weight.

Thank you!

Honestly, I just distracted myself as much as I could and I was lucky to be with a supportive boyfriend and have a supportive family. It was hard. Really hard. But I knew I couldn't "do anything" about it until I was ready to do it in a healthy way.
That part of recovery really really sucks, but once you are able to maintain and log everything with mfp and exercise because you want to, not because you have to, and you can go out and eat with friends, it is SO WORTH IT. Now looking back I see how miserable I was for years! Now I'm like....I can enjoy food- alone or with friends, and being skinny is not the only thing I think about and it is so freeing!

That's great you had the support, I prefer not letting my family know, they won't be good support. How did you assess whether you were ready to start focusing on weight loss? I'm forced not to focus on it for a very long time even though I want to do it healthily. I'm so glad you are able to enjoy life and not worry about being skinny. I hope weight will one day not be my central concern.

fuzzysham

I think it was a combination of things- I no longer thought seeing bones was pretty- I just wanted to be in a healthy weight range and not be super skinny anymore, I wanted to work out whenever I wanted to- not when I *had* to and I knew I wanted to do it slowly.
I know you can do it and one day you will be able to enjoy life as well and be healthy

estitom

It's so motivational to hear other people's stories! It's encouraging and gives me the feeling that "I can do this too!". So thank you for sharing this with us :flowerforyou:

fuzzysham

It's so motivational to hear other people's stories! It's encouraging and gives me the feeling that "I can do this too!". So thank you for sharing this with us :flowerforyou:

You are very welcome!