Is there such a thing as unshakeable confidence?

willowdancer

I was reading through a thread the other day, the topic of which was what's the most polite insult you've received? There were definitely some funny posts, but most of them were offensive things that have been said. This got me thinking about how one day, when I am all fit and awesome and the best me I can be, that mean things people say to me won't hurt and other people won't be able to undermine my self esteem and make me feel like crud.

I wonder, though; is this unshakeable confidence that I hope to achieve even exist? Everyone is a critic and someone is always going to think I am too short/fat/muscular/adorable/skinny/pale/tan (you get the idea) and have something negative to say. How does this affect someone who has worked hard for their dream body, making that hopeful idea into a reality.

has anyone out there achieved this? How are you able to rise above the mean, icky things other people say? I have always been a very sensitive person, which is odd because as my mother puts it "I grew up in a family of thick skinned b***hes".

I am hoping that as I sculpt my muscles and build the body I want, that I will also strengthen my self esteem and confidence so that hateful nay-sayers can't rain on my parade of happy feel good. Can it be done?

liftingheavy

This is a very interesting topic. I did reach my weight loss goal and am very happy with my body. I do not know if I would call this my "dream body" because I am not sure what that is. I am the right size for me and toned.

I think if comments from others bother you now, they will also bother you when you lose weight. Now I know people can be such idiots... and they will still be out there when you reach your goal.

So while you are on this journey, I would also work on your own self esteem in the process. I literally look at myself every day and think "wow - you're looking good". And I did that before I lost weight too. I really believe it.

Now, others may not agree with me but my opinion of myself means everything. Opinions from family members and friends mean a ton, and opinions from mean spirited, hateful people mean absolutely nothing. Seriously. It makes me feel sorry for them.

I've had a few friends who thought their lives would be so great when they lost weight, got their boobs done, hair extensions, etc. And when it didn't happen they backslid or became depressed.

Don't let it happen to you, work on your confidence now because you do not have to be thin to be respected and/or loved by yourself and others.

Lyssa62

I haven't reached my goal weight as of yet. For the last 14 years I've managed to learn to carry myself with confidence. Some probably call it something else but I'm happy with me. I just basically don't give a RA what anybody thinks of me. You can never please everybody all of the time so please yourself


*ps...I'm one of those thick skinned b*tches!

reenielovesthebeach

As you reach middle age, you will become more confident and comfortable with your image. I love that about being a 43 year old woman. Your focus changes from being skinny and pretty to being healthy and the best that you can personally be with what God has given you to work with. I'm more focused on intellect and personality than I am looks. People always have opinions and that will never change as long as people have mouths...You just have to let the negative comments roll off and embrace the positive people in your life. The way you view yourself has a lot to do with how others view you.

MinMin97

Going through the process of getting fit, struggling to get rid of old habits and patterns, should make us more sensitive to others who have changed or are trying to change.
This should make a critic seem that much more pitiful for saying anything discouraging.
Words spoken can lift up or tear down!
I do not believe in "thick skins." Words can hurt!

Why do you need to be invincible in this area?
I think you have great goals to be strong and healthy. And the process will make you a kinder, more understanding person.
Who possesses sensitivity. That's a good character quality to develop!
The strongest person in the world is not the one with the thickest skin.
It's the one who can give kindness back.

I would imagine that most people would have no business at all making comments about your body, and may earn a correction from you.

JenKillough

This is a really good topic.

There are always going to be spiteful, mean or jealous people who are going to say things. But I think if you carry yourself well, and with true confidence it tends to ward them off. They are less likely to approach you and bother you. Family on the other hand is harder to deal with... it hurts more when they say it, they feel more entitled to say it because they're closer to you, and you don't want to hurt their feelings either, etc.

It seems to me, from my observations of friends on MFP, as well as my own experience, that a lot of us are going through a self-realization process... maybe a self-acceptance process, self-esteem building... call it what you will. And this is a really good thing.

I came to MFP at a critical point in my life. I was quitting an addiction (alcoholism/ binge drinking) and grieving the death of my mother (who was an alcoholic). I was also getting married for the first time ever. I waited sorta late in the game, age 35. So... it was much more than just food & exercise for me. It was a lets-get-my-head-on-straight and figure out where we are going sort of thing...

Right now I'm dealing with having reached my "goal weight" which wasn't that far from my starting weight, fortunately. Getting in shape through lifting weights, running, macro balance and vitamins. But the biggest thing I'm dealing with is none of these. It's really about learning to LIKE myself for the first time in my life. And it's getting used to living in the skin I'm in... you know that saying: She's comfortable in her own skin. I'm right on the edge of that... and it's a tough spot

Anyway... just wanted to let you know that I understand your question and that it's a deep one. Confidence comes from wrestling with all those things about yourself you thought you didn't really like... and somehow coming out on the other side realizing they aren't so terrible like you thought. And that it's not so much about the physical... because we can all "fix" things to some degree... there's plastic surgery, for example. And I'm all for plastic surgery... but I think that peace with yourself is never going to come from achieving some sort of physical perfection... we'll always fall short somehow, in some way.

So... when you realize that nothing anyone can say or do will change who you ARE... who you were born as and who you will die as... then you are set free from others' expectations, and even your own expectations. I think this is where confidence starts to come from... though I would never say that confidence is "unshakable"... it's in a state of flux... just like anything else in life.

imcatbear

I think it's more about how much you love yourself, although this is probably more semantics than anything else.

I don't mean love in a narcissistic way. If your losing weight for yourself, taking care of your body because you want it to be healthier (or hurt less or whatever), dressing the way you want, wearing your hair in ways that make you feel good, challenging yourself to do better "just to see if you can"

I think you will find that surety within yourself that you are dubbing unshakeable confidence.

At the same time, we can all learn to be kinder to ourselves and sometimes "Fake it till you make it" or "just do it"....whatever expression suits you better The important part is not to get in your own way when it comes to making decisions in whatever it is. I'm pretty good at getting in my own way at times, though.

I do think there is a correlation between how we feel about our bodies and how we feel about ourselves/self esteem. I take it a step further and pay attention to how I, personally, feel after eating something that makes me feel blah. I try not to do it. Today I found out that birthday cake and I no longer agree. I don't mind making it, but I really don't want to eat it anymore.

VelociMama

I think a lot of it has to do with the confidence the comes with being comfortable in your own skin. To me, this has come with age and life experience more than anything.

I think all of us have our doubts sometimes, and it's natural.

fiberartist219

Confidence and a hot body are not one and the same. I was 110 lbs and let people treat me like crap. In fact, I think I had a lot more insults coming my way at that weight than I did at 165.

djsupreme6

great post and as far as unshakeable confidence...I consider myself to have just that as nothing can deter me...negative comments or bad experiences just keep the fire lit

BeautyFromPain

bump

DaniKenmir

You can have unshakable confidence at ANY weight!
I was at my biggest when a man came up to me at the pub and said (no word of a lie) "you're not pretty but you'll do" I laughed in his face and walked away.
I have been told since i was in school (and picked on a LOT) 'no one can make you feel inferior without your consent' and one day it sunk it and I am proud of who I am.
I may not be the size I want to be but I'm working really hard to get there and no one will stop me.

gpstrucker

At a half century of age I am immune to such spiteful, petty remarks from other people. I simply consider the source and let it roll off my back. I learned a long time ago that there are a lot of people who feel the need to raise themselves up by tearing other people down.

If you have ever seen a bunch of crabs in a bucket you'll understand what I mean. When one crab manages to climb up high enough that it has almost reached the top of the bucket another crab grabs it and pulls it back down. There are a lot of crabby people in the world. I ignore them.

I also keep in mind that, mathematically speaking, half of the people in the world are of below average intelligence LOL.

mmmyotwnz

bump

I have some things to say about this, but I'm falling asleep in front of the computer...time for bed.

jlohcook

Yes. Definitely. I can I say I have it. It's all in the mind, and blocking out bad stuff that's said to you, picking myself up very quickly when I'm a little off on my diet, not beating myself up if I ate a little more, just add more exercises the next day. To me, its all in the mind.

jerbear1962

When I was born my mom said I had the most perfect skin and was a great baby, then I began to grow...I had the great fortune of having one of the worst cases of acne anyone could ever have, so I had ridicule from an early age...then came weight not just any pound after pound...more ridicule. Now I'm not only covered with acne but fat as well. I heard them all and I did take some to heart. Then one day my dad sat me down and told me to take care of myself and not worry about what others thought. Do what I needed to do and felt was best...so now when someone makes a comment about the fat man I just ignore them. Hell they trying to tell me I'm fat, I have a mirror and know that I'm fat. You can't make everyone happy all the time and you would die trying...do your best to take care of yourself. I do my best to try inspire others, try to boost their confidence and hope they do their best. Good luck and have a great day.

sleepytexan

not so much unshakeable confidence . . . more like impermeable skin.