jokes
chunkyjeff
Posts: 68 Member
in Chit-Chat
There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A huband frantically calls the hotel reception from his 8th floor room, asking to speak to the manager.
Husband: "please come, as quick as you can, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window"
Manager: "sir, I'm terrible sorry, thats a domestic matter...."
Husband: "domestic? No its not, its a maintenance matter, the window won't open
Three guys walk into a bar.
The first guy says, "I've got the smallest arm in the world."
The second guy, "I've got the smallest head in the world."
...
The third guy, "I've got the smallest penis in the world."
So the three guys go to the Guinness World Records.
The first guy comes back and says, "I really do have the smallest arm in the world!"
The second guy comes back and says, "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world!"
The third guy comes back angry and shouts, "WHO THE HELL IS JUSTIN BIEBER?!"
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
She is also feeling a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the
broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice,
she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't
loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked
over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a
rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This
time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to
let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train
whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she craps on you
Sorry Guys !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A huband frantically calls the hotel reception from his 8th floor room, asking to speak to the manager.
Husband: "please come, as quick as you can, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window"
Manager: "sir, I'm terrible sorry, thats a domestic matter...."
Husband: "domestic? No its not, its a maintenance matter, the window won't open
Three guys walk into a bar.
The first guy says, "I've got the smallest arm in the world."
The second guy, "I've got the smallest head in the world."
...
The third guy, "I've got the smallest penis in the world."
So the three guys go to the Guinness World Records.
The first guy comes back and says, "I really do have the smallest arm in the world!"
The second guy comes back and says, "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world!"
The third guy comes back angry and shouts, "WHO THE HELL IS JUSTIN BIEBER?!"
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
She is also feeling a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the
broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice,
she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't
loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked
over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a
rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This
time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to
let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train
whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she craps on you
Sorry Guys !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
0
Replies
-
Very funny
) 0 -
How about some child humor:
Why was six afraid of Seven, because....7 8 9!0 -
Bump0
-
Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet,
having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They get
to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything
dirty with a "W" so she calls on him.
"Womb!", Little Johnny says.
"That's a good word, Johnny", teacher says. "Is that as in where babies
come from?" she asks.
"No", says Johnny, "That's the sound elephants make when they're
screwing... you know, "Womb! Womb! Womb!"0
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