Becoming Who I Really Am

mdaniel6405

All of my life I have been overweight. As much as my husband hates to hear me call myself overweight, the pictures and the scale do not deny that I weigh far more pounds than I should. At my heaviest, I was tipping the scales at 230 pounds! I still can't believe I let myself go like I did. I have tried so many diets and failed at each one of them. I would lose weight, but quit trying as soon as I saw results. Worse yet, I would get frustrated by not losing anything, eat more food and gain even more weight! It wasn't until about two weeks ago that I had a long conversation with a dear friend of mine who knew exactly what I was going through. She had her own weight loss success story, but I never heard her brag about it. Instead, she listened to what I had to say, offered some wisdom and then said we could hold each other accountable. That evening I prayed and decided I had enough.

Truth be told, I had enough before I even started talking to my friend. I was down to my last pair of jeans that fit, and none of my winter clothes were in my current size. (I had lost about 20 pounds last winter and gained it all back). I couldn't even wear my own clothes! I couldn't exercise without being out of breath, and sometimes at night I could hear my breathing strained under the weight of my body. I was angry and fed up! Then I realized that my problem was dieting. I was trying to diet, when I really needed to be changing my lifestyle.

Much like my friend, I have a problem with food, and I refused to acknowledge it. I eat for no reason. Even after being full to the point of being sick, I would still eat. I remember days when I went to the grocery store for food that I didn't even want. I remember eating it and thinking, "I don't know why I'm eating this. I don't even want it". Still, I would eat and then go eat some more. Things resulted in me being exactly where I am today.

The first week of being held accountable to my friend was really rough for me. I did not do as good as I should have with me diet. I walked away that week with a 0.2 pound weight loss. I was so frustrated, I expected more - but I should have known better because I was eating peanut butter brownies every night.

Then two days ago I came across the MyFittnessPal app on my phone. I checked it out and everything clicked in my head. In order for me to overcome my battles with food, I have to control food and reprogram my brain. The best way I can do that is to monitor what I eat and control my portions (which this app forces me to do).

So I'm at the start of my journey, and for the first time I feel like I have a shot at doing this. My friend and my husband are supporting me. I've come to a place where I realize now that I don't have to eat just because my brain tells me to. I can change who I am and become the person on the outside, that I feel I am on the inside. It's not one day at a time, but one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one victory at a time.

JoylynnAroundthebend

My writing skills are not as good as yours, but I completely relate to your story.

I too am trying to become the person I want to be. Activity came easy to me growing up, but once I got married, a sedentary life set in. My weight has reached a point I never thought I would. It is difficult for me to walk and breathe.

It came as a surprise to me when i realized the names I call myself, I would not call my worst enemy. So, the voice in my head is also my challenge.

Eating when I don't want to, eating until I get sick and eating as comfort are all part of my current situation. The last 2 weeks, I have tried to pay attention to what and when I eat. It is getting easier.

My husband supports me, but he is tired of hearing me start this journey over and over and over. This time, I am just going to do it. Not necessarily alone, but to let my actions do the talking. By nature I am a loner, so this path fits me.

Thank you for your post, I don't feel alone.

mdaniel6405

I completely understand what you're talking about! My husband supports me, but I can tell in the back of his mind he's wondering how long it will be before I fall of the band wagon again. I also have the same problems with eating that you're talking about.

Don't let those voices in your head win. You can change them. I know it's not easy and it doesn't happen over night, but there is hope for you and you can succeed! You've got all the tools! I'm looking at all my past failures as learning experiences so that I could go this round and be prepared for anything that comes my way.

Hang in there and don't give up. You can do this and I promise you are not alone!

JoylynnAroundthebend

Thank you for your post. It is nice to know I am not the only one that feels this way.