Should I let a toxic friend know I am thinking about her?

eimajb18
eimajb18 Posts: 20 Member
in Chit-Chat
A few months ago, I ended a longtime, toxic friendship. She was a great friend in so many ways, but she was a drama magnet and it was physically and emotionally draining to hear about all of her issues on a daily basis.

Today is my ex-friend's birthday, and I bought her a gift which I was thinking of mailing to her house. I want her to know I love her and will always wish the best for her, but I do not want to re-kindle our friendship and I don't want to give mixed signals.

I don't know if I should deliver the gift or not... any thoughts?
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Replies

  • EmilyRanae22
    EmilyRanae22 Posts: 506 Member
    gift=mixed signals
  • peuglow
    peuglow Posts: 684 Member
    Return/keep the gift. Send a card stating what you just wrote.

    I've never had a toxic friend, so maybe this isn't the best reaction, but I'd just ignore the day. You have moved on.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
    That'd be giving a mixed signal. You don't send gifts to people you don't want to be friends with.
  • zeebruhgirl
    zeebruhgirl Posts: 493 Member
    That's pretty mixed.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
    Return/keep the gift. Send a card stating what you just wrote.

    I've never had a toxic friend, so maybe this isn't the best reaction, but I'd just ignore the day. You have moved on.

    Don't send a card. That's just like sending a card saying "I don't want to be your friend." Kind of mean, don't you think?
  • krisiepoo
    krisiepoo Posts: 710 Member
    Don't send it if you're not wanting to rekindle the friendship becuase it could be seen as a "peace offering" of sorts if you were the one to break the friendship off

    unless you send it anonymously
  • Romans624
    Romans624 Posts: 822
    I personally wouldn't send it. And if I were the person in question, I wouldn't want it. If it's done, let it be done. Like a breakup. Its nice that you still care, but giving the gift and running away will just reaffirm that you think she is a toxic person and that won't make her feel good on her bday I don't think.
  • RMLMoore
    RMLMoore Posts: 130 Member
    I think you may be opening the door for reinvolvement - unless you want to get into a discussion about why you are no longer interested in spending time with her. It is mixed message to reach out, only to pull away.
  • linda1243
    linda1243 Posts: 166
    If you do not want to rekindle the relationship, do not send a gift. If you have moved on, then I am not sure why this is even a consideration.
  • clynch1968
    clynch1968 Posts: 45 Member
    Sending a gift would be a mixed signal.
  • LAMypie
    LAMypie Posts: 127 Member
    Depends on how the relationship ended. If it ended bad, then I would just ignore the day if you have no desire to rekindle the relationship. If it was just a parting of ways, no harsh words, I agree with peuglow.
  • dualcollision
    dualcollision Posts: 87 Member
    Just send it, you already bought it, what do you have to lose? lol
  • reasnableblonde
    reasnableblonde Posts: 212 Member
    Return the gift. If you've ended the friendship, it's over. Sending a gift will confuse matters and implies a relationship is still there. If you run into her, be nice and cordial. That's all.
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    Do not even acknowledge the day.
  • hersheythecat
    hersheythecat Posts: 117 Member
    It's hard when you miss someone but you know to have them in your life will cause you stress. I recently reached out to someone I haven't spoken to in years because I saw she had a baby. All I wanted to do was say congrats. She however, suggested I add her on facebook. Needless to say I didn't respond to that email because a)I don't want the drama and b) I don't feel like gossiped about. I think it's okay to say "happy birthday" but to do anymore is just sending mixed signals.
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  • keri1908
    keri1908 Posts: 9
    I wouldn't advise it because if you gave her the gift you would be giving her 'false' hope of becoming friends again.....and that would be very upsetting for her:(
  • 2012asv
    2012asv Posts: 702 Member
    that will probably give the impression that you want to patch things up. If you have completely cut off from her than just let it go completely. Esp. if this is someone who's very dramatic.

    good luck!
  • EnuffaMyButt
    EnuffaMyButt Posts: 111 Member
    If you don't want to give her mixed signals and you've ended the relationship, I think that should tell you something.
  • Pedalpush
    Pedalpush Posts: 246 Member
    I concur that you should keep the gift to yourself and/or return it. I have had friends like that. HAD. Don't look back. Remember: you can not be responsible for everyone else's happiness. It took me entirely too long to figure that out.
  • kealambert
    kealambert Posts: 961 Member
    friends give gifts to each other, non friends do not. don't let unwarranted guilt make you do something you don't really want to do
  • Sharyn913
    Sharyn913 Posts: 777 Member
    Sending the gift IS sending mixed signals. She may also take it as a slap in the face. If you really don't want her in your life, than just keep your distance.
  • MissAnjy
    MissAnjy Posts: 2,480 Member
    If you don't want to be friends with this person, don't send the gift. It will give them the message that you're "sorry for being distant" or that you want to reconcile the friendship. If anything, send "happy birthday" greeting on facebook along with the other 500 of her friends. It'll get lost in the mix and would be done out of politeness and not going over and above to restart the friendship.
  • Amcolecchi
    Amcolecchi Posts: 260 Member
    I had the same kind of friendship...I recently just wrote her a private message on facebook on her birthday and we talk on there but do not meet up..It's perfect because I do care about her and want her to be happy...and she has grown up so maybe one day we could meet up!
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
    "Hi, I don't like you and think you're a drama queen but.....heres a gift"

    Hope that gets the point across
  • Mr_Bad_Example
    Mr_Bad_Example Posts: 2,403 Member
    A few months ago, I ended a longtime, toxic friendship. She was a great friend in so many ways, but she was a drama magnet and it was physically and emotionally draining to hear about all of her issues on a daily basis.

    Today is my ex-friend's birthday, and I bought her a gift which I was thinking of mailing to her house. I want her to know I love her and will always wish the best for her, but I do not want to re-kindle our friendship and I don't want to give mixed signals.

    I don't know if I should deliver the gift or not... any thoughts?

    Why would you send a gift to someone that you don't want any real friendship with? Sounds like you're feeling guilty for ending things and trying to ease that feeling by being 'nice' to her.

    The nicest thing to do is to move on and let her do the same.
  • vettle
    vettle Posts: 621 Member
    I agree with others - sending a gift is not what you should do. If you cut ties with someone that was a long term friend it will just confuse her and you will likely start up the friendship again.
  • crazyellybean
    crazyellybean Posts: 999 Member
    gift=mixed signals

    Agree!

    Either you want her in your life or you don't! Sending her a gift lets her think that you want her in your life. If your thinking of her and buying her gifts, maybe you should reevaluate weather cutting the friendship off was the right decision.
  • VelociMama
    VelociMama Posts: 3,119 Member
    "Hi, I don't like you and think you're a drama queen but.....heres a gift"

    Hope that gets the point across

    ^ This.
  • hughtwalker
    hughtwalker Posts: 2,213 Member
    I'd send or take it round - you want her friendship else you wouldn't have bought it - is it THAT toxic? Surely not since you so clearly care

    just a thought - I never had a toxic friend (and NO! No! No! - before you suggest it, that isn't just because I never had a friend - at least I'm almost sure I did)

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