Why didn't you tell me I was fat?!

ctalimenti

I've heard from 3 people now that all said, "Why didn't you tell me how fat I was getting!?"

Can someone please shed some light on this as to what they needed to hear?

It's a very delicate subject indeed.

SarahAFerguson

Well if they are adults then they should have been able to figure it out for themselves. I mean really, all you need is a scale and/or mirror and you're pretty much there. I don't think there are too many people who don't know they are fat especially if they wear clothes. I think these people are just looking for someone to blame for the shape they find themselves in or perhaps they were living in denile.

ctalimenti

Wow! Loved that response!

Pebble321

It is a delicate subject - and I don't want anyone to tell me that I'm putting on weight (I know that already!) so I wouldn't do it to anyone else.

MissPeppers

Well, I'd wish I had a good friend telling me I needed to be aware of where I was going. But yes, it IS a delicate topic - and if you tread uncarefully into that trap you may actually lose a friendship over it. I didn't realise I was as fat as I was. I didn't own a scare, nor a whole-body mirror. I was totally blind to the fact that I was getting even bigger every year. I guess nobody dared being honest with me - I got compliments, boyfriends, but I still didn't feel good in my own skin though. Finally the latter was enough for me to start thinking and making changes.

I don't blame anyone for not telling me. I should've taken matters into my own hands long before I did. But I'm also a lot more open about this now, and I've found that many in the same situation appreciates that. After I started calorie counting it was like I learned to read all over again, it was a major revelation. Now I wish for everyone to have this knowledge - but still find it very difficult to talk to someone who's obviously in need of a lifestyle change...

brevislux

How would anyone go about that without getting slapped across the face, I have no idea. I have a friend whom I would have liked to tell that she was risking her health but, I suppose she knows that and anyway there's no way I can do that without hurting her feelings... She's an adult and I'm sure she is aware that being obese and smoking is bad for you. Change should come from within, not from other people shoving their noses in others' business...

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

They're just being polite & at the same time those who are fat already know it themselves. Do you really think that someone who needs to go in a plus size store to buy his/her clothes thinks of himself/herself as thin or average? I don't think so & if they are then they're just fooling themselves. Admit it, many of us hate that F word especially since we already know that we are & no need to be reminded of it.

I have a co-worker who is severely obese & can't shop clothes at a regular store. But of course nobody tells her that she is fat because its very obvious that she is & of course we assume that she also knows that.

becs_91

Yeah, people always SAY they would want someone to tell them, but who really wants that? I definitely didn't. I may have been in denial about my weight gain, but I knew it, and if someone said that to me in a serious way it would have really hurt. Badly.

Actually, at one point over this past summer my grandfather (who is unfortunately, at 90, starting to lose grasp mentally a bit, confused a lot, etc.) approached me - well, kind of cornered me - to mention my weight. It was awful. I know he didn't really know what he was saying, but basically along the lines of, "What are you doing, gaining weight? No! You don't need it!" and shaking his fist. Hard to explain. Everything he says in his thick Greek accent sounds sweet and adorable, lol, but that was AWFUL. The WORST feeling, having someone say that to your face. I had a hard time not crying the rest of the night... it really hit hard. No one ever wants to hear that. And how the hell do you respond to that?

jerbear1962

At some point of gaining weight I just became blind to how much weight I was gaining. I didn't get on a scale and I ate what ever I wanted when ever I wanted it. I knew as I gained and gained that I needed to buy bigger and bigger clothes. To the point of buying stretch everything. Honestly you could have told me I was fat or getting fatter....I knew it I just chose to ignore it. Wished I hadn't but that is water under the bridge. Onward and upward.

purple_tux1

I've heard from 3 people now that all said, "Why didn't you tell me how fat I was getting!?"

Can someone please shed some light on this as to what they needed to hear?

It's a very delicate subject indeed.

I wonder if maybe what they're trying to express is the regret they feel at having gained weight. Like "I can't believe I let this happen?' With maybe a little deflection of personal responsibility thrown in there?

I remember feeling like this recently. I was looking at how much I had gained and how nobody (not even my husband) had said anything. The fact they didn't say anything made me think maybe they didn't care? I knew full well I was gaining weight and had a tried a few things, but never had really gotten serious and explored all options. I kind of wish they had harassed me about it and maybe I would've gotten control of the situation earlier? But then again if they'd mentioned it I probably would have gotten defensive and annoyed. You can't win!

The only 2 times someone talking to me about my weight helped was when it came from a doctor. 2 different doctors, but both time we had the 'talk', I ended up losing weight.

I don't feel that anybody else but me is responsibile for my weight gain. However, people around you DO influence you. I know a woman who's family was kind of obsessed with weight. Her father was a doctor and anytime her mother gained so much as 5 pounds he would bug her about ti. Nobody in the family got fat!

thebigcb

My partner has asked me to tell her if she is gaining weight in a nice way, so I usually just wait till we are out to dinner with friends and say really loudly to the waiter

"No dessert for the salad dodger in the corner, kids are going to start poking her with sticks if she gets any fatter"

That usually keeps her weight down

Keiko385

My partner has asked me to tell her if she is gaining weight in a nice way, so I usually just wait till we are out to dinner with friends and say really loudly to the waiter

"No dessert for the salad dodger in the corner, kids are going to start poking her with sticks if she gets any fatter"

That usually keeps her weight down

lmao at least my late husband had some class and would start Mooing and would start singing the theme song to Rawhide when he stood behind me

thebigcb

My partner has asked me to tell her if she is gaining weight in a nice way, so I usually just wait till we are out to dinner with friends and say really loudly to the waiter

"No dessert for the salad dodger in the corner, kids are going to start poking her with sticks if she gets any fatter"

That usually keeps her weight down

lmao at least my late husband had some class and would start Mooing and would start singing the theme song to Rawhide when he stood behind me

That is classic. Of course I am joking, partner is 6ft, around 63kgs(I hate her lol)

Cait_Sidhe

Pretty glad my fatness wasn't pointed out to me. I was quite aware of it.

MissPeppers

IMO there's another issue in this, namely the shock of hearing this making people actually doing something about it. I was told by a friend of my father's that she thought it was my aunt coming - but it was me. My aunt is probably 60 lbs heavier than I've ever been - and shorter making her even rounder. This comment alone made me want to do something - and I did. Hated her for a while, though. But after that, I was actually thankful.

I think that we're always too afraid to get negative responses even when they can lead to something positive. No, I can't say that I like getting critisized, but if it's constructive, it may gain me more than getting positive feedback when it's untrue. Where I want with this, is that sometimes I need an eye opener. Even if the truth is hurtfully obvious to me.

Beethoven1827

It's an impossible thing to say to someone, I think! At least outside the doctor's office. I've been overweight a few years now; my sister a LOT more so, for a lot longer. I'd love her to lose weight - she has lots of health problems, and although I've no idea which may be weight-related, I'd bet none of them would get worse if she slimmed down. But I can't possibly say anything to her - not least because through childhood, I was 'the skinny one'. I'm sure she knows she needs to lose weight - but like so many of us for so long, just hasn't found the motivation and the method. All I can do is hint that I'm there for support and encouragement if she wants it, and let her know what I'm doing so she can support and encourage me...

FlaxMilk

No dessert for the salad dodger! :laugh: I may start saying that to myself. :bigsmile:

ctalimenti

That's kind of what I thought. It's virtually impossible.