Ladies would you..? men what would you do..?

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Skinny_minny_mo
Skinny_minny_mo Posts: 1,272 Member
in Chit-Chat
So ladies, would you ever propose (have you proposed?) to the man you love?

Men, how would you react? Would you prefer to do the proposing?

A brief bit of background. My ex and I were together for almost 4years - but long distance. It was crazy head over heels, we will make this work type of love. And even when I ended it in March, neither of us were able to cut off contact and literally cried from sadness. I was leading with my head, not with my heart, being all practical etc.

Almost 7months on, we still love each other, still message almost every day...and are still on different continents. (I'm in south africa, he's in Italy). Neither of us have dated anyone else since our break up. He did propose 3years into our relationship but I wasnt able to get a job in italy and he wasnt having success here either.

which leads me to this moment..... i love him. he loves me. can i live with the regret that i didnt do everything i could to make it work? (i definitely didnt - i'm climbing the corporate ladder and if i moved to Italy, i wouldnt be able to work in my field, hence me pushing him to move to my end).

BUT SOD IT! I THINK I'M GOING TO PROPOSE AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE THIS WORK! :D
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Replies

  • Skinny_minny_mo
    Skinny_minny_mo Posts: 1,272 Member
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    i must be the only one crazy enough to do this then :D
  • fionarama
    fionarama Posts: 788 Member
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    well I can relate, not so much in the proposing thing but in the long distance thing. My husband worked in Australia for two years while I was in England . I had the same situation where I basically couldn't expect to work in anything like the level I can in the UK or NZ where I am from and feel too old to retrain (I'm 44).
    While he was away it did intensify our relationship, we were also in touch constantly through skype and text etc, which can be such a drain emotionally. Finally after two years it got to a point where I felt, we're either married or we are not. So he came back to the UK and tried to make it work for his career even though the opportunities in Australia are so much better for him.
    Long and short of it I felt in the long run he was the higher earner and also a lot younger and too young at 31 to sacrifice his career for me so we've ended up in Australia. He has supported me for the last few months and I seem to be about to get a fantastic job in a completely different field, it won't be well paying but it will be interesting. So its worked out.
    Basically you do have to be practical. Talk to him frankly, and if you both still want to be in a marriage, I always think the person who earns the most gets to keep their job, and the other person has to make the sacrifices. If you are younger you have time to learn italian, maybe you can get work teaching English or something if you are degree educated. You have to be practical don't ruin your life over it but at the same time we work to live not live to work, so if making some career sacrifices mean you can have a family with the right person thats important too. Marriage and relationships do involve give and take.
    Won't be any good being a lonely career woman facing 40 wondering what might have been.
    But you do sound a bit headstrong, it should be a shared decision he may not even want you to give your career up for him. You need to ask him what he wants?
  • Jersey_Devil
    Jersey_Devil Posts: 4,142 Member
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    go get him! and good luck!
  • zachatta
    zachatta Posts: 1,340 Member
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    Gender roles are fairly close to obsolete. If you want him go get him, I doubt he would hold that against you.
  • Skinny_minny_mo
    Skinny_minny_mo Posts: 1,272 Member
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    we've discussed all of this ad nauseum - so we are definitely on the same page. :)

    i'll let you guys know what happens ;)
  • zachatta
    zachatta Posts: 1,340 Member
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    we've discussed all of this ad nauseum - so we are definitely on the same page. :)

    i'll let you guys know what happens ;)

    I hope everything works out how you want it!
  • cobracars
    cobracars Posts: 949 Member
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    Wow, you gave it 10 whole minutes before you declared no one interested in your thread. Perhaps resolving your relationship will bestow upon you the gift of patience.
  • Christina2927
    Christina2927 Posts: 56 Member
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    My sister recently proposed to her boyfriend earlier this year. They have been together for 11 years and have a daughter but he was never into the whole marriage thing. He knows he wants to spend his life with my sister but everyone knew he would never propose. So, my sister decided to wear the pants for once and we all supported her. They are now engaged and are getting married next year. I say do it!
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
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    I didn't propose, but if you love each other you should be together whatever it takes. I have given up my whole life for my husband and children, and in some respects he has for me as well. If he's the one, you just have to make it work.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
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    Since I don't believe love exists, I think it's silly to throw your life away for something like this. It's more of a 'I can't have it and really want it' thing, IMO. Once you guys have each other, the dynamic will change quickly. In 10 years, one of you will harbor ill feelings for the other person ruining your life. Just my opinion on the topic.
  • Iceman1800
    Iceman1800 Posts: 476
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    Stop making excuses and one of you move to be with the other. The bs about not finding work is a cop out. If you two want to be together, make it work. I'd clean outhouses if that's what I had to do for work so I could be with my wife.
  • cgarand
    cgarand Posts: 541 Member
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    Before you propose, is there any way one of you can move to be together. If not it will never, ever work. And, if you can then try that for a while, don't live together, just live near each other. Then you can hang out together, get to know each other better, discover all those little things that are so annoying you know it's true love because you will happily put up with it to be with him. Hope it all works out.
  • eatrainsmile
    eatrainsmile Posts: 220 Member
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    I wouldnt propose to him. I would bi*tch at him so much that he would have to propose to me.
    It's also what I did:)
  • HeidiMightyRawr
    HeidiMightyRawr Posts: 3,343 Member
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    Stop making excuses and one of you move to be with the other. The bs about not finding work is a cop out. If you two want to be together, make it work. I'd clean outhouses if that's what I had to do for work so I could be with my wife.

    This!

    I wouldn't propose, but that's a whole different thing IMO. I'd definitely get back with him and sort things out so that you can be together - I'm sure there's a job there he can do to bring in money. Even if at first it's not want he wants to do, it's something, you could be together.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    which leads me to this moment..... i love him. he loves me. can i live with the regret that i didnt do everything i could to make it work? (i definitely didnt - i'm climbing the corporate ladder and if i moved to Italy, i wouldnt be able to work in my field, hence me pushing him to move to my end).

    BUT SOD IT! I THINK I'M GOING TO PROPOSE AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE THIS WORK! :D

    do whatever it takes as long as YOU get to stay in YOUR job in the place YOU'RE from...

    good luck!
  • stephalvarez5
    stephalvarez5 Posts: 154 Member
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    i purposed and i'll never do it again.
  • Skinny_minny_mo
    Skinny_minny_mo Posts: 1,272 Member
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    @cobracars i am impatient!! but especially so when i'm reaching out to the internet for guidance :P come on, dont be such an a**!

    @iceman it def sounds like an excuse BUT have YOU tried getting a work permit in Italy - on a south africa passport? It is NOT easy. and vice versa him getting a job here with our labour laws. we looked at moving to Australia or the UK but again, its not a simple task. He's an engineer so its a lot easier for him to get a job, whereas for me, my area is a bit trickier.

    @christine, woohoo!! great to hear woman taking their future into their own hands :)

    @cgarand that would be ideal!

    @eatrain LOL! That usually workS. i think i dont feel so bad as he already proposed to me :D

    Now where is the fairy godmother to wave her magic wand ;)
  • Skinny_minny_mo
    Skinny_minny_mo Posts: 1,272 Member
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    i purposed and i'll never do it again.

    @steph, what happened? :(
  • ZombieChaser
    ZombieChaser Posts: 1,555 Member
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    I proposed to the same man twice - got turned down both times. We were together for almost 6 years...that was about all the hurt I could take.

    I really hope your story is a happy one OP :)
  • squirmmonster
    squirmmonster Posts: 98 Member
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    Why- EXACTLY- is it that the two of you don't research different areas where you could both work in your respective job fields? You speak English, that much is clear. Unless you speak Italian, so must he. That opens up a TON of really HUGE countries to live in.

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