my friend and stage 4 cancer...why do i feel like this?

kobiemom

My cousin died a year ago from Lung Cancer. Her brother died the year before from the same thing. They never smoked, but their father had a lawncare business when they were little. It may have come from chemical exposure. The first cousin took traditional treatment and didn't last long. The second one chose herbal treatments after one round of chemo. They kept telling her she was cured right up until she died. The autopsy showed that she died of Cancer. Her sisters - totally invested in the herbal B.S.- told everyone that she was Cancer free, but died from complications of the one round of "poison" chemo she took. I understand your anger. There is a whole industry based around fear and ignorance.

SusanMcAvoy

One of other posters mentioned you should let her know that you don't know what to say. I agree 100%. Be honest with her. One of the worst things you can do it not talk with her. Many years ago my first husband died. Not from cancer but from an accident. Anyway, the most painful thing I had to deal with was nobody talked with me about it. I guess they all felt uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. It hurt me so much because I never got the opportunity to express myself and was lost. No one knew what to say and I was so alone. It's important to process pain with a friend. Everybody was horrified when it happened and they didn't know what to say. I understood that but even still I got hurt by it. Try your best to be as honest as you possibly can. Talk to your friend. She needs you. Please don't judge her for not seeking the kind of treatment you would have wanted her to. Don't judge anyone unless you actually walk in their shoes. It's serious work being a friend but it's one of the most rewarding things you could do. Please try to find the strength to be there for her. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

_Wits_

It is ok to have the feelings you have, but please realize your time with her is limited.

I remember when my grandmother refused treatment, my brother was so pissed at her... he just didn't get it....and he missed out on some great moments that myself and the rest of my family had while we were by her side.

Please go see your friend and just be there with her. If you have nothing to say, say nothing....just hold her hand and give her a hug when she needs and wants one.

xoxo

67butterfly

What you are feeling is perfectly natural - it is the first stage of grief. You have been reminded of your own mortality and how fragile life is and are shying away from it...

This is so perfect. Thank you!

secretlobster

I think someone may have mentioned it already, but if you don't know how to support her, it doesn't hurt to ask... Just say "I don't understand what you're going through right now. All I know is that it's very hard, and I want to support you in any way I can. If there is anything in particular you want me to do or say, if there's a particular kind of support you want, maybe just an ear to listen to you, you can always let me know... I'd rather get it right the first time"

supersmiles11

Hiya butterfly. I've tried to email you but won't let me. I am someone who currently has a diagnosis of grade IV cancer so might be able to give you an idea of perspective from a different angle if you wanna chat. Just email me if you want. If you don't thats also okay. xx All you can really do is love your friend. Take care

pixietoes

Hey there,

My opinion might be a little different than others. I spent the first part of this year fighting a brain tumor and most of the rest of it recovering from the medical procedures involved. In some ways I was very fortunate, after all, I am considered in very good condition. The tumor was successfully removed against ALL hope. I was not a candidate for radiation and I declined going to oncology for chemo. Almost all my doctors including the local neurosurgeon who did the first surgery agreed with me. He was the one who found the miracle man (one of three in the world) who was able and willing to do the surgery I needed.

Doctors agreeing with you is not the same thing as loved ones agreeing with you. There were some friends who seriously wondered why I was making the decisions I did. Most of them knew, at least in theory and yet had serious doubts. They could have been right. I am grateful for the two friends who said to me "I don't understand how you're choosing this, it's not what I would do but I'm going to be here for you what ever happens."

What I can tell you is that it was scary. Sometimes it was frustrating. And frankly a lot of it was missed as I slept at least 20 hours a day for a long time. I was very blessed that it all happened so quickly. I was even more blessed because the surgeon who saved my life and gave me hope of a longer life than my parents had was 87, voted the Neurosurgeon of the 20th Century and capable of doing what so few in the world can (and he trained the other guys, btw) and now he is retiring. Even more, I was blessed by friends, family and others who did everything they could do to support me and my family.

Be honest with your friend about what you think, but understand that you are confessing your heart, not blaming her. Let her know you're going to be there and support her no matter what. Even if all she needs is for you to hold her hand. If you can't do that then it's probably best for you to deal with your feelings on your own.