How do you help someone with anorexia who doesn't want it?

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  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
    I can't believe some of the dark-aged mentality on this site. How does one change if they are an addict or anorexic? They need external help like I did. You can want to change all you like but it doesn't work for everyone. Not everyone has a strong constitution or is emotionally or mentally well. If you see a friend dying of anorexia or drug addiction and do nothing, shame on all of you!!!


    What can you do? Jump her, ram a tube down her throat and force-feed her? If she won't listen to reason or entreaties, and she refuses to see a problem or go for help, she cannot be compelled.
  • vegalicious80
    vegalicious80 Posts: 1 Member
    If any of you find something that works, please share as I'm dealing with this with my housemate at the moment. It's very stressful for all concerned (her, me, our friends, her family, her colleagues). There are so many dynamics/facets to the issue, with so many potentials to make it worse if we do or say the wrong thing. Yet standing by and watching her slowly starve herself to death is horrible. :(
  • NordicAlien
    NordicAlien Posts: 110 Member

    As for her sequestering herself and breaking plans with you: don't call and say, 'I'll drive! Don't worry!' Show up. If she breaks plans, say, "Sorry, I'm already on my way." Don't give her outs to withdraw from people more into her world.

    This. A lot of people with eating disorders seem to push friends and family away. I don't know if it's a result of the eating disorder itself or if they both stem from low self-esteem and feeling like people wouldn't really miss you.

    Don't let her push you away. It'll be hard. Sometimes you'll want to walk out. One of my closest friends has suffered since we were 16 (we're now 28 and 29). I remember telling her once that I felt like she was in the ocean, treading water and screaming for help, and every time someone threw her a life preserver she either ducked or threw it back. (I would not recommend saying something like this to your friend unless you're pretty sure how she would react; me and mine have always vowed honesty even when we need to be brutal, and I know she appreciated it.) Other times you'll feel like you're a mean bully. It's not nice to have to impose your will on someone else, even when they need it.

    And it's hard to strike the right balance - so much of anorexia is about control, about controlling the diet because the person feels like they can't control other aspects of their life, so doing things that take MORE control away from them seems downright cruel at times.

    You can't force her to eat. You can't force her to get therapy. You CAN try to coerce. When she tells you she has to cancel plans, you can tell her, "Sweetheart, I am going to show up outside your door at 5pm tomorrow, as planned. You can choose to let me in or not, but I AM going to be there." I don't like coercion, generally - I'm someone who politely states my point, backs it up with logic, and if people don't respond then I respect their free will. This doesn't work with people who are battling both a major load of psychological demons and the mental impairment and loss of rationality that comes along with starvation. I say beg, bribe or blackmail. Do whatever's necessary. And if, God forbid, you lose her...then you know that you did all you could.

    Topic's old by now, but I wish you the best of luck. And that goes for anyone else in this situation too.

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