I AM GOING TO QUIT!
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BlisterLamb
Posts: 396 Member
Sometimes you just have to know when to throw in the towel. Its been 7 years and I’m mentally and emotionally drained. I give up. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost all I’m going to lose.
Nine years ago, at close to 300 pounds, I was leaning over, looking at something on a lower shelf at K-Mart, and the weight of my stomach caused my lower back to tighten as a counterbalance. The spasm was epic. I heard a pop and thought I had ruptured a disk or something. I leaned over the handle of the cart, then, sank to my knees, then on to my side on the floor. Yep, there I was, lying like a beached whale in the music aisle at K-Mart, unable to move a muscle without the most excruciating pain shooting through my back. Someone eventually realized I had a problem. They paged my mother, who was somewhere else in the store, and between her and the security guy, they got my sizeable *kitten* into one of those motorized carts and out to her vehicle. Getting into the house when she got me home was a bit harder. I crawled through my garage, kitchen, and living room and up onto my couch. Standing was impossible. She left me there on the couch to wait for my husband.
Somewhere there is a natural law that states that the more inconvenient it is to go, but more often you will need to pee. My husband came home and found me on the bathroom floor. I couldn’t move. Although it’s much too late to make a long story short and there are some very humorous details in the ensuing conversation we had, I eventually let him call the paramedics. They shot me up with morphine…twice! Once the pain eased I could tell it was the spasm from Hell and not a ruptured disk. I went to the ER, where I was given pain pills and muscle relaxers and spent 8 days in agony on the couch. Once I got better, I decided that was never going to happen to me again. I cut out white sugar and white flour and all sodas and fruit juices and only drank water. And I dropped 20 pounds pretty quickly. I started going to Curves and biking. I lost about 50 pounds total. I was still well over 200, but kind of lost interest in dieting. I fooled around for another 2 years, not losing or gaining, then 7 years ago, something clicked inside me. I got very focused and lost some more. Next thing I knew, I had lost just over 100 pounds. I still had about 30 to go. The exact number is difficult to say because I look like I weigh a lot less than I do. Under the layer of fat I still carry, is a core of solid muscle. I don’t know how much it would take for me to fit into a size 8 or 9. I currently wear a size 12. And have for pretty much the last 7 years. Sometimes it’s a larger 12 than others.
I just stopped losing. It didn’t matter how I ate or worked out, I couldn’t budge a single pound. Just eating healthy and being active was no longer working I would change what I was doing. I tried Nutrisystem. I lost 10 pounds in the first 2 weeks, then stopped losing and then gained back the 10. All without changing anything I was doing and still eating the way I had when I lost the 10 to begin with. I got so desperate I even tried the whole HCG thing once (so shoot me..I was desperate. And yes, I knew it was the 500 calorie diet, but I just wanted the scale to move again) And while a lot of people I knew were losing 20 and 30 pounds on it, I lost 12, stopped losing and gained back 8. While still eating 500 calories a day! At this point I knew there was something not right with my body. So I went back to eating like a human being. Whole grains, fruits, veggies, lean meats, etc. And I made an appointment with my doctor to find out what the heck was up with my body. Of course I gained back the whole 4 I lost. He ran some blood tests. He said my thyroid was at the low end of the normal range and he could put me on thyroid meds if I wanted but everything looked normal. He patted my head and told me that it was probably just premenopause. We decided not to go with the thyroid. Over the next 2 years I went to 2 other doctors, looking for answers. I got the same response..”You SEEM to be doing everything right.” Gee thanks. That’s so helpful. During that time, a little over a year ago, I joined MFP, thinking that tracking my calories would help. I bought into the whole “Eat back your exercise calories because it works for everyone and your body will go into starvation mode if you don’t” thing. I gained 25 pounds in the first three months doing that. Guess what? It doesn’t work for everybody. Some people may have underlying health issues.
So, finally, in July, a year after joining MFP and still carrying my 25 pounds of exercise calorie fat, and completely at my wits end, I saw another doctor. I told him that I eat healthy, I exercise regularly….I mean I bike 60+ miles at a time. I run (ok, maybe run is a bit of a stretch…I jog) 5K’s. I lift weights. I hike. I ballroom dance. Every Friday during the summer, I biked to the marina, did stand up paddle boarding for an hour and a half and biked home, burning in excess of 1400 calories (those days I did eat part of my calories back). I should be a freaking toothpick!
Finally a real doctor! He checked my thyroid, which was still at the low end of normal, but he also checked my thyroid antibodies. And there it was. After 5 years of frustration and beating myself up for not losing weight and gaining so easily and feeling like I should be so much stronger than I am…five freakin years…an answer. Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. An autoimmune disease. My body thinks my thyroid is an invader and is trying to kill it. And some of the healthy foods I had been eating were making it worse. Spinach, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower…all not good for this condition unless they are cooked and I had been eating them raw. Hashimotos causes, among other things, weight gain, muscle weakness and fatigue. Finally I and an answer and, I optimistically believed, a resolution.
Yeah, not so much. Hashimoto’s is a beach! I’ve been on medication and a low, low carb diet prescribed by my doctor. In 12 weeks I’ve lost 13 of the 25 I gained. But I haven’t lost a single ounce in the last 3 weeks. The doctor adjusted my meds a few weeks ago, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. And that brings me to Friday.
I don’t have a scale at home. I threw it in the trash when I was weighing compulsively every day and freaking out over every fluctuation. Mostly upwards. So I only weigh at the doctor’s office. I went in to pick up one of my meds and weighed while I was there. Not one damn ounce! I was devastated. I don’t know if the cycle is starting over again and I will begin to gain the way I always have. I only know that for 3 months I have stuck faithfully to the diet he told me to follow and I have remained active. I finally realized that nothing I do is making a difference in my weight. My body is going to do what it’s going to do and there’s nothing I can do about it. Worrying about every little bite I put in my mouth, tracking every morsel, tracking every exercise calorie…all that is only making me crazy. I put those numbers in and I expect to get the proper result of all my hard work. I see people on my friends list slacking on exercise and eating all kinds of crap and still losing every week while my weight stays the same and it makes me want to slam my head against a wall. So…I’m going to quit.
I’m going to quit trying to hit a certain calorie number every day. I know what the healthy range is and sometimes, when I’m not too hungry, I may eat less and sometimes, when I’m very hungry I may eat more, but I can still stay in the healthy range. I’m going to quit trying to hit a certain number or certain macros every day.
I’m going to quit worrying about how many calories I burn. I exercise because I like it. Some days, I may choose not to. And I’m not going to feel guilty about it.
I’m going to quit weighing myself unless the doctor makes me. And I’m going to quit defining myself by a number on a scale. It doesn’t take into account the amount of muscle my body contains. I’m a size 12 and still considered obese by the height weight, BMI standards. I refuse to wear that label. I am healthy. My blood tests are all good (except my thyroid), all my medical tests are within normal limits, I’m strong and active.
I’m going to quit looking at myself naked every morning. I started doing that when I threw away my scale. I know my body so well that I can tell you what I weigh by my waist to hip ratio. But the sight of that fat on my belly, clinging to me like some alien life form that just won’t die, makes me want to stab it repeatedly. Not a healthy mental attitude. And nobody sees that anyway. I look good in my clothes.
I am going to quit expecting my body to be any different that what it is. I’m not going to get any smaller. It’s time I realized that and quit setting myself up for disappointment and frustration. I’m healthy and curvy. I’ve got big boobs and a nice butt. I’m not built like a 20 year old, a Victoria’s Secret model, or a Barbie. But men do look and flirt, so I can’t be too bad. And the ones that think I have no right to exist in the gym or on the running path because I don’t fit their idea of the ideal woman, and who feel it necessary to make comments, can kiss my firm, round *kitten*!
I am going to quit taking special food to family functions and always being the one that’s different. I’m going to eat reasonable portions of whatever is served, excluding things like chips and dips. I’m going to have a small piece of cake at birthday parties, if I want one, instead of watching everyone else sit around eating it while I sip ice water or eat fruit. That said, after all these years, I rarely want a piece of cake, unless it’s just really spectacular.
Yep…after 7 years, I quit. But the one thing I can’t quit is being who I have become. After 7 years, I do prefer healthy food. And I don’t over eat. And most importantly, I AM an active person. I am the example of change that my family looks to. I don’t exercise because I’m trying to lose weight. I exercise because I like it and I don’t feel good if I don’t. I love riding my bike for hours and hours on a beautiful fall day, and hiking up a mountain in the winter. I don’t like running…ok…..jogging…but I like the challenge. I couldn’t walk to the end of the block without getting out of breath at one point in my life. Now I can jog 3 miles without stopping. I race my 5 year old grandson home from school every day. He’s getting harder to beat! But I sprint! I take my grandchildren biking, hiking, river rafting, paddle boarding, horseback riding, ice skating, for walks and jogs. We have participated in Color Runs together. I took my two year old great niece on the last one! And I’m looking forward to jogging with my 5 year old grandson in his first 5K this October. He’s running as Iron Man and I’m running as an angel.
So as far as trying to lose anything else….I quit. I’m just going to take what I have learned and live my life and enjoy all that I have gained.
Nine years ago, at close to 300 pounds, I was leaning over, looking at something on a lower shelf at K-Mart, and the weight of my stomach caused my lower back to tighten as a counterbalance. The spasm was epic. I heard a pop and thought I had ruptured a disk or something. I leaned over the handle of the cart, then, sank to my knees, then on to my side on the floor. Yep, there I was, lying like a beached whale in the music aisle at K-Mart, unable to move a muscle without the most excruciating pain shooting through my back. Someone eventually realized I had a problem. They paged my mother, who was somewhere else in the store, and between her and the security guy, they got my sizeable *kitten* into one of those motorized carts and out to her vehicle. Getting into the house when she got me home was a bit harder. I crawled through my garage, kitchen, and living room and up onto my couch. Standing was impossible. She left me there on the couch to wait for my husband.
Somewhere there is a natural law that states that the more inconvenient it is to go, but more often you will need to pee. My husband came home and found me on the bathroom floor. I couldn’t move. Although it’s much too late to make a long story short and there are some very humorous details in the ensuing conversation we had, I eventually let him call the paramedics. They shot me up with morphine…twice! Once the pain eased I could tell it was the spasm from Hell and not a ruptured disk. I went to the ER, where I was given pain pills and muscle relaxers and spent 8 days in agony on the couch. Once I got better, I decided that was never going to happen to me again. I cut out white sugar and white flour and all sodas and fruit juices and only drank water. And I dropped 20 pounds pretty quickly. I started going to Curves and biking. I lost about 50 pounds total. I was still well over 200, but kind of lost interest in dieting. I fooled around for another 2 years, not losing or gaining, then 7 years ago, something clicked inside me. I got very focused and lost some more. Next thing I knew, I had lost just over 100 pounds. I still had about 30 to go. The exact number is difficult to say because I look like I weigh a lot less than I do. Under the layer of fat I still carry, is a core of solid muscle. I don’t know how much it would take for me to fit into a size 8 or 9. I currently wear a size 12. And have for pretty much the last 7 years. Sometimes it’s a larger 12 than others.
I just stopped losing. It didn’t matter how I ate or worked out, I couldn’t budge a single pound. Just eating healthy and being active was no longer working I would change what I was doing. I tried Nutrisystem. I lost 10 pounds in the first 2 weeks, then stopped losing and then gained back the 10. All without changing anything I was doing and still eating the way I had when I lost the 10 to begin with. I got so desperate I even tried the whole HCG thing once (so shoot me..I was desperate. And yes, I knew it was the 500 calorie diet, but I just wanted the scale to move again) And while a lot of people I knew were losing 20 and 30 pounds on it, I lost 12, stopped losing and gained back 8. While still eating 500 calories a day! At this point I knew there was something not right with my body. So I went back to eating like a human being. Whole grains, fruits, veggies, lean meats, etc. And I made an appointment with my doctor to find out what the heck was up with my body. Of course I gained back the whole 4 I lost. He ran some blood tests. He said my thyroid was at the low end of the normal range and he could put me on thyroid meds if I wanted but everything looked normal. He patted my head and told me that it was probably just premenopause. We decided not to go with the thyroid. Over the next 2 years I went to 2 other doctors, looking for answers. I got the same response..”You SEEM to be doing everything right.” Gee thanks. That’s so helpful. During that time, a little over a year ago, I joined MFP, thinking that tracking my calories would help. I bought into the whole “Eat back your exercise calories because it works for everyone and your body will go into starvation mode if you don’t” thing. I gained 25 pounds in the first three months doing that. Guess what? It doesn’t work for everybody. Some people may have underlying health issues.
So, finally, in July, a year after joining MFP and still carrying my 25 pounds of exercise calorie fat, and completely at my wits end, I saw another doctor. I told him that I eat healthy, I exercise regularly….I mean I bike 60+ miles at a time. I run (ok, maybe run is a bit of a stretch…I jog) 5K’s. I lift weights. I hike. I ballroom dance. Every Friday during the summer, I biked to the marina, did stand up paddle boarding for an hour and a half and biked home, burning in excess of 1400 calories (those days I did eat part of my calories back). I should be a freaking toothpick!
Finally a real doctor! He checked my thyroid, which was still at the low end of normal, but he also checked my thyroid antibodies. And there it was. After 5 years of frustration and beating myself up for not losing weight and gaining so easily and feeling like I should be so much stronger than I am…five freakin years…an answer. Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. An autoimmune disease. My body thinks my thyroid is an invader and is trying to kill it. And some of the healthy foods I had been eating were making it worse. Spinach, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower…all not good for this condition unless they are cooked and I had been eating them raw. Hashimotos causes, among other things, weight gain, muscle weakness and fatigue. Finally I and an answer and, I optimistically believed, a resolution.
Yeah, not so much. Hashimoto’s is a beach! I’ve been on medication and a low, low carb diet prescribed by my doctor. In 12 weeks I’ve lost 13 of the 25 I gained. But I haven’t lost a single ounce in the last 3 weeks. The doctor adjusted my meds a few weeks ago, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. And that brings me to Friday.
I don’t have a scale at home. I threw it in the trash when I was weighing compulsively every day and freaking out over every fluctuation. Mostly upwards. So I only weigh at the doctor’s office. I went in to pick up one of my meds and weighed while I was there. Not one damn ounce! I was devastated. I don’t know if the cycle is starting over again and I will begin to gain the way I always have. I only know that for 3 months I have stuck faithfully to the diet he told me to follow and I have remained active. I finally realized that nothing I do is making a difference in my weight. My body is going to do what it’s going to do and there’s nothing I can do about it. Worrying about every little bite I put in my mouth, tracking every morsel, tracking every exercise calorie…all that is only making me crazy. I put those numbers in and I expect to get the proper result of all my hard work. I see people on my friends list slacking on exercise and eating all kinds of crap and still losing every week while my weight stays the same and it makes me want to slam my head against a wall. So…I’m going to quit.
I’m going to quit trying to hit a certain calorie number every day. I know what the healthy range is and sometimes, when I’m not too hungry, I may eat less and sometimes, when I’m very hungry I may eat more, but I can still stay in the healthy range. I’m going to quit trying to hit a certain number or certain macros every day.
I’m going to quit worrying about how many calories I burn. I exercise because I like it. Some days, I may choose not to. And I’m not going to feel guilty about it.
I’m going to quit weighing myself unless the doctor makes me. And I’m going to quit defining myself by a number on a scale. It doesn’t take into account the amount of muscle my body contains. I’m a size 12 and still considered obese by the height weight, BMI standards. I refuse to wear that label. I am healthy. My blood tests are all good (except my thyroid), all my medical tests are within normal limits, I’m strong and active.
I’m going to quit looking at myself naked every morning. I started doing that when I threw away my scale. I know my body so well that I can tell you what I weigh by my waist to hip ratio. But the sight of that fat on my belly, clinging to me like some alien life form that just won’t die, makes me want to stab it repeatedly. Not a healthy mental attitude. And nobody sees that anyway. I look good in my clothes.
I am going to quit expecting my body to be any different that what it is. I’m not going to get any smaller. It’s time I realized that and quit setting myself up for disappointment and frustration. I’m healthy and curvy. I’ve got big boobs and a nice butt. I’m not built like a 20 year old, a Victoria’s Secret model, or a Barbie. But men do look and flirt, so I can’t be too bad. And the ones that think I have no right to exist in the gym or on the running path because I don’t fit their idea of the ideal woman, and who feel it necessary to make comments, can kiss my firm, round *kitten*!
I am going to quit taking special food to family functions and always being the one that’s different. I’m going to eat reasonable portions of whatever is served, excluding things like chips and dips. I’m going to have a small piece of cake at birthday parties, if I want one, instead of watching everyone else sit around eating it while I sip ice water or eat fruit. That said, after all these years, I rarely want a piece of cake, unless it’s just really spectacular.
Yep…after 7 years, I quit. But the one thing I can’t quit is being who I have become. After 7 years, I do prefer healthy food. And I don’t over eat. And most importantly, I AM an active person. I am the example of change that my family looks to. I don’t exercise because I’m trying to lose weight. I exercise because I like it and I don’t feel good if I don’t. I love riding my bike for hours and hours on a beautiful fall day, and hiking up a mountain in the winter. I don’t like running…ok…..jogging…but I like the challenge. I couldn’t walk to the end of the block without getting out of breath at one point in my life. Now I can jog 3 miles without stopping. I race my 5 year old grandson home from school every day. He’s getting harder to beat! But I sprint! I take my grandchildren biking, hiking, river rafting, paddle boarding, horseback riding, ice skating, for walks and jogs. We have participated in Color Runs together. I took my two year old great niece on the last one! And I’m looking forward to jogging with my 5 year old grandson in his first 5K this October. He’s running as Iron Man and I’m running as an angel.
So as far as trying to lose anything else….I quit. I’m just going to take what I have learned and live my life and enjoy all that I have gained.
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Replies
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You know your body and as long as you are aware and positive, then you do what you need to do..
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Thank you so much for sharing your post. Being able to relax and enjoy life without obsessing is such a relief. Enjoy your new healthy life. You deserve it!!0
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Very inspiring post. More people should accept themselves and strive to be their own personal best without comparing to others. Health and happiness to you.0
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All I can say is that you have done so well to keep at it for 7 years. Most people would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. Well done on everything you have achieved :-)0
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Love your post!!
Enjoy your new found freedom!
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good post!
be happy 0 -
It doesn't sound like you are quitting anything but living a full and happy life! More power to you!0
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Sounds like you have made up your mind. Just remember your incident in K-mart and don't let this new found freedom get you back there.0
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YOU ARE MY HERO! Fantastic, you have been beaten and fought back only to be beat back down again! AND yet you are able to accept the fact that you are healthy and happy despite your body's rebellion! You are still willing to do what is best for yourself regardless of weight loss because you enjoy it not because you have to. You are amazing! Most people would have thrown up there hands and given up a long time ago without half of the fight you gave! GOOD FOR YOU! :flowerforyou:0
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When you have an autoimmune disease (hashimotos and many others out there), many times, there IS an environmental cause. Mine is gluten. Or at least one of mine.
I cut gluten completely out of my diet and I am now taking half the amount of thyroid meds that I was on and I feel much better.
I told my doctor and she said "Oh sometimes that happens" and will not admit that I have a gluten intolerance. Yeah I know I should get a new doctor but eh. I just roll my eyes at her and move on. She'll be gone in 6 months anyway - Military Doctors.
Good luck!0 -
Great story. I hope we all take it to heart. Numbers are only numbers. Size 12 is great! Well done.
Who knows, mayb ethe stress-free life will make you happier than you ever thought possible.0 -
Wow! You are a success story! Best wishes to you!0
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Great post!0
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You look lovely in your photo! I'm glad that you listened to your body and kept talking to your doctors until you figured out what was wrong. Do what works for you - if that means just eating good food, staying active and continuing to listen to how your body FEELS, then go for it!0
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I for one don't think there is anything wrong with being a size 12. Not a thing. There are several people on this site who think everyone has to be a 2 to be healthy. I dont buy into that at all. It sounds like you're actually doing great! Congratulations on all yoursuccess in spite of your health.0
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I love this post! And I think it's great you're easing up on yourself, that could make all the difference. It sounds like you are living a very healthy and active lifestyle, and that's all we can do. You have accomplished a lot and you should be very proud of yourself. Well done! 0
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Great post. It would make a good magazine article.0
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wow. I am amazed at your story. You have come SO FAR!!! you're my hero. I just started my journey (I think for real this time) 2 mo ago and lost 5 lbs so far. I think you should write a book, seriously that's some story to tell. are you quitting mfp though? cuz I'd like to "friend" you if I could and if not I will be sad to see you go when I just found you. :flowerforyou:0
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Thank you all for the positive reinforcement. It has taken me a while to wrap my head around the idea that maybe this is just it and maintaining it is ok. I don't need to look like a fitness model. There are so many people on here who are my age or older who have reached their goals and are at their ideal weight and sometimes that discourages me. I finally accepted that maybe THIS is my ideal weight. Not what I had in mind, but a far cry from that extra large lady on the floor at K-Mart. Healthy is more important to me than slim at this point.
Stay strong everybody.0 -
You did a great job!
I can relate. I started at over 312 pounds, size 26. I thought I would make it down to 150 (I'm 5 feet 7) and maybe size 8 but that hasn't happened.
I too was diagnosed with Hashimotos Disease and am on meds for that.
After I got out of the 200s my weight loss kind of stalled. I am at around 180 now, though I don't weigh myself much anymore. I go by how my clothes fit. I wear a size 12-14 depending on how the clothing is made.
I still think 180 is alot to weigh. I can't see my abs, I hate my arms ect. But I think I look better than I did at 312.
Plus, most people don't think I look like I weigh 180. Some have told me I look 145 or less. I don't even at first tell people I meet about my weight loss. I remember telling one lady about it that I met in a dressing room after we talked for a long time and tried on clothes. She told me she never would have believed I weighed more than what I was...she just couldn't see it! She said I looked great.
So I weigh 180 and oh well. like you, otherwise I am healthy...I eat healthy foods, lots of veggies and fruits, and I exercise alot and stay active at least 5 days a week.
BTW I think you look great!!0
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