Morbidly obese. Here's how it happened.

PrincessCadance

I was born a chubby baby.

Glancing at the surface of my genetics, a good portion, I'd say 60% of my family members are overweight. However, my mother is bone thin, and my father is of an average size.

My obsession with my chubbiness started in early adolescence. Around age 11 or 12, I would go for days without eating and I would strive on a diet of pepsi and water.

At age 14, I dropped a considerable amount of lbs. My mother and I put our heads together, and she would prepare five meals for me. Two of them consisted of fruit and pudding, and the remainder all rich with vegetables, brown grains and lean protein.

In high school, I was involved with sports and became an avid runner. I thought I was chubby during this time, and desperately wanted to lose weight.

I've put on about 40 lbs since then. My athletic ability has taken a drastic dive. I can not walk up the steps without being winded. Topping the scale at 190, with only 5 feet of height to my frame. And I can't stop stuffing my mouth.

When I was younger, sweets and treats were locked away from reach. I didn't connect with my peers and lived my twelve years of public school in the shadow of bullying. In my grade school days is where I set the foundation for my addiction. My father would sneak home a candy bar, and this candy bar would be the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thing on my mind when I went to sleep. Sandwiched between the pressures of an abusive home and bullying outside the house, snacks and food were always within reach. My lunch box was loaded with healthy foods, and I would resort to borrowing money to snag some fries or even steal a twinkie from a neighbor in the cafeteria.

I've always gobbled food when the oppurtunity was present, and the oppurtunity was rare.

Now, as an adult, I have access to obesity-inducing fast food. I stuff my mouth constantly, while my mother throws comments my way such as "Holy cow, she's eating again!" "I'm so happy to be thin, you must be so miserable with your weight, I can see why you argue so much with me." "If you lost 50 lbs, then you can buy that dress." "You're getting wide." She never misses the oppurtunity to treat me like pond scum in regards to my size.

Everyday I move around and feel the excess weight on me. I nearly suffocate myself to retract my stomach, I even duct tape my abdomen on special occasions to present a more shapely facade. I never show my arms, I even wear long sleeves in the summer, and I haven't sported a pair of shorts since early elementary school. My clothes don't fit me anymore. Some days I catch glances in the mirror of myself and burst into tears, other days, I catch a passing glimpse and decide I look regal and ready for a binge.

I'd say 80% of my life has been attempts to diet. I let go of a few lbs, then my primitive appetite raises the scale needle to a new level. I always take one step forward and three steps back. It's not as easy as staring down a nutritional grocery list or attending a few classes at the gym. Most diets mandate that you rush out and buy hundreds of dollars worth of a small volume of healthful foods, but no amount of money, as celebrities like Oprah has demonstrated to us, can erase the weight. Not to mention, my motivation runs on E after the first two weeks, so the apples and pears will serve no purpose other than to rot, anyway.

At 19, my mother mandates that I see a pediatrician. Fantastic. Now I have someone I CAN'T come to about weight inquiries. But there are some nice toys in the waiting room to play with (sarcasm).

I need desperate help. What are your suggestions?

stepheatscake

I am not one to give a lot of great advice, but you obviously are an emotional eater which is a food disorder. I can only HIGHLY recommend that you read "Thin Within" as the only way you will ever cure this is by healing yourself emotionally. You need to love yourself thin.

trud72

WELL...
now you have recognised the problem,i would do something about it!
At the end of the day you and you along can do this journey.....start slowly and ease into it.start with the "limit" on the cals let mfp work that out for you and start a little exersice of walking and build it up no i don't meen running by the end of the week!! lol :noway:
I was nearly 400lb at the start of mine and basically it does not matter how much you hurt or what the weather is outside get off your butt and do the walk no matter what i was walking last xmas morning in the snow and ice!(and it was acually really nice) :huh:

But log EVERYTHING that goes into your mouth tho! be honest with yourself and it will work x

sarahmichelle876

First of all, congratulations on coming to this point of wanting to change. I'm a lot like you. My advice is to start slow. The more you change at once, the harder it's going to be to stick to this. Change small things. Lean chicken breast instead of thighs with skin and frying, wheat bread instead of white, skim milk, walk a few days a week. Keep increasing these changes at a pace that you're comfortable with. One thing I'm still dealing with is why I eat like I do. You have to address this. But don't slam into an all out exercise every day, 1200 cal diet. You'll hate it quick because its too much at once. Good luck. Feel free to add me as a friend and if you need anything, just let me know.

kidcole11

Count your calories and keep under/ near your limit set by mfp and results will come. Tell yourself you are worth more than the weight and each pound you lose will be a boost t self esteem. This is working for me and it can work for you too. Don't listen to your mother and as you lose weight it becomes easier to tell naysayers off.

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

Pedia at 19? No way.

Seriously I think you should seek professional help. Your problem obviously is more than just eating. Its more psychological I think its called Binge Eating Disorder.

Anyway I commend you for taking the first step & that is to join MFP where you can find supportive people. I wish you good luck on your journey.

chooriyah

Uhhh...get some distance between you and your mother? Sounds like she is a major contributor to your difficult relationship with food, self-esteem and body image. I hope you are off to college soon and will be able to redefine your relationship with her on your own terms.

Welcome to MFP! There are lots and lots of people just like you on here, as well as some super inspiring ones who were there a year or two ago, and have made awesome progress since. I'm pretty new, don't have much to contribute except to say (i) good luck, (ii) start by logging *honestly* everything you eat for a couple weeks, it's really an eye-opener, and log even your bad days when you eat three hamburgers or cupcakes, we ALL do it... (iii) add some friends for support and learn from people who've been there before. Just about any question you have has been answered ten thousand times on the forums (amazingly, people don't seem to mind answering them again if you post them (: ).

All the best, I really believe you can do this. You have great insight into the causes of your problems, now it's time to start chipping away at them.

purple_tux1

Reaching out for help takes courage and is a very important step towards taking control of your situation. You are young. You can fix this. It will take time, determination and help.

These are my thoughts. Your mother shouldn't be saying those things to you. Maybe she says them because she is afraid for your health, but the things she says are hurting you.

You are 19 now and an adult. You can live on your own and be away from your mother if you choose. It sounds to me like you need to talk to someone about your relationship with your mother and your relationship with food. A therapist, school counsellor, minister, whoever can be on your side and help you figure things out. Maybe going to this pediatrician would be a good thing. S/he will know what an eating disorder looks like and what type of help you will need.

PrincessCadance

Thank you for your kind support.

I do speak to a therapist, and I have a psychiatrist even to manage my anti-depressants.

My therapist is a gold-standard professional. She is the most empowering, practical, logical person I know. Everytime I see her or leave her office, she always looks proud. But not even she can help me with this. She motivated me for a good week or so, then it deflated again.

My psychiatrist is horrible at providing advice for my binge disorder. She tells me minute details on what to put on my salad and in my cereal... I mean. That's like telling me to put a band-aid on a cancerous growth.

purple_tux1

Good to hear you've got a therapist you like. You're right, ultimately there's nobody that can do this for you. You've got lots of people around you cheering you on and giving you advice, but in the end, it's up to you to decide what to eat at the next meal. Realizing this can be very empowering. It can also be really scary! Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Life is full of them. MFP is a wonderful community. We are here when you have good days and bad, the support here is awesome. :bigsmile:

gmad87

One thing I would suggest is trying to put your exercise and diet goals into a different perspective. I've tried and failed diet/exercise programs before because my efforts were half-hearted and unfocused. However, when I joined MFP and wanted to take diet and exercise more seriously, I started to think about my diet and exercise as a permanent part of my lifestyle rather than a temporary program to lose weight, like with my previous attempts. When I accepted that I would do my best to eat better and be more active for the rest of my life, things started to really click for me because I found the willpower to not relapse, even when there were times I wasn't getting the results I wanted. I had to think long term and be patient.

Keeping diet under control isn't easy, as anyone here can tell you, but if you can find a way to persevere, you'll achieve wonderful results.

dellashanks

:drinker: I can only give you my new mantra... Just get up and get moving. I know it might not be the thing you would like to hear but unless you dedicate yourself to your mission to lose weight you won't. I love MFP because it makes you accountable and in the end you not only don't want to let yourself down but you don't want to let down the people who you have built relationships with. MFP has become sort of a fitness family for me, they cheer me on, listen to me occasionally whine, and keep me accountable.

I would also say Log it all, every morsel you put in your mouth. Start exercising and keep track. Make friends on here, they are great people and wonderful motivation. I promise you if you work off 600 calories you will not want to use those up on mindless eating. I personally think you have to reset your frame of mind, food for fuel not for fun. Not to say you can't enjoy the occasional treat but that you need to think of your body and a machine and your machine will function alot better on lean meats and veggies than on a hershy bar. You should also find healthy food that you can use as a subsitute for your faves. I love me some protien bars they curb my sweet tooth and give some of the good stuff I need.

I really hope you succeed. Feel free to add me and I will do my best to help motivate you and cheer you on in this journey:drinker:

willtry08

I'm new to mfp so I'm not sure how much help I can be but I highly recommend that you log everything you eat and get in as much exercise as you can (obvious stuff, I know). As everyone's said, start small and just keep going. The people you meet on here are so supportive and encouraging and want to see you succeed. At least that's been my experience. Just keep coming back everyday and reading the inspirational forum posts when things get rough or you feel discouraged.

Also, I have two teenage boys (actually, one of them is a young adult now!) and my younger one is one of the most contrary people on the planet, God bless him! If I say it's up, he says it's down; if I say white, he says black... you get the idea. He rebels against all types of authority, myself included. I blame it on young boy hormones My point is, don't stay heavy just to spite your mother. I may be off base here but I know with my younger son if I told him to lose weight he would make every effort possible to gain it. Your mother sounds less than encouraging (although I'm certain she means well) so I can understand if you resent her somewhat but get healthy for you. Try not to worry about what she says/thinks. You're an adult now. Do this for you. Best of luck xo

mensasu

Carry around a water bottle at all times and when you feel you need to eat, drink some water instead and wait at least 10-15 minutes before you eat. What you might find is that you aren't eating because your hungry but that some other stressor is saying eat. Drinking water will fill you tummy temporarily and waiting 15 minutes might distract your from your impulse to eat.

Then as most people have said, try to improve your diet and log everything you put into your mouth. And when you do eat, eat slowly. See if you can set weekly targets like this week I will give up sugary things.

See if there is someone you know who you can buddy up for either exercise or diet or even both. Sometimes that added support can help.

And take a look at Lady Gaga's Body Revolution. It is inspiring to see the photos and stories of other people battling a variety of addictions, afflictions and low esteem. I think you'll see that you have to first accept yourself and that happiness comes from within not from a particular body image. Focus your goals on getting healthy so you can do those stairs not on expecting the weight lose to help you find a boyfriend.

Good luck on your journey.