affection

Vodkha

I am a 29-year-old female who has never been in a serious relationship (in other words, more than just sex). I recently got into a relationship with someone who is quite touchy-feely, and I'm not. Giving affection just does not come naturally to me. I feel awkward and unsure. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't know what to do. I like him touching me and WANT to reciprocate, but I feel so awkward. I almost have to force myself to reach out to him, and it drives me crazy. I don't feel like I'm being fair to him at all, and I'm afraid he'll think I don't want him to touch me. How can I get over this?

anels449

Talk to him about it?

JenKillough

There's really nothing that you need to know "how" to do... just touch, do what you feel. And if you don't feel like it, don't force yourself to. Maybe tell him what you just posted here... so he knows where you're coming from. That way there's no room for a misunderstanding.

Vodkha

I talked to him about it, he thinks it will come with time but I'm afraid it won't and I want to work on it.

taunto

well, we're in a somewhat similar boat. My best advice would be to talk to him and tell him where you're coming from (without going into too much details about just having sex with other partners...TMI ya know). Most quality men are understanding about things and it would definitely be the better solution compared to you being uncomfortable about touching him or him thinking that you're not into him etc.

taunto

I talked to him about it, he thinks it will come with time but I'm afraid it won't and I want to work on it.

Have faith in yourself love

It'll come with time. Its not going to happen all at once and you might not even be as touchy feely as him but you'll get comfortable enough to be however way you feel like being with him

JenKillough

The issue seems to be that you feel awkward about it... why? I mean, you don't have to say it here. But maybe try to figure out why you do... I think that would solve it. Don't worry about what he thinks about it so much, as why YOU feel the way you do about it.

emmabridget

I went through that big time. For me it was all about a very strong underlying fear of rejection and deep lack of confidence and self worth. I found it hard to really believe that he would want me to give him a hug or a cuddle. "Surely that would just annoy him if i gave him a cuddle" my inner voice said,'He doesn't want me getting in his face...." - even though i KNEW that was rubbish, of course he wanted me to hug him and touch him and say nice things!

I needed him to help me through it by giving me extra-positive feedback everytime I reached out and initiated affection physical or verbal - and to force myself to do it more and more. And I needed to face the fact that sometimes in life I would be rejected on many levels, and that was OK. I needed to come to terms with the fact that my fear of rejection was way overblown, because: rejection was in fact not a likely outcome most of the time AND also because the consequences of being rejected are not as bad as you think, if you can learn to feel confident in yourself.

Rejection is not always about you. You cannot control other people's reactions to you; only your reaction to being rejected. Try googling 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapy' and see if that approach can be of use to you.

I came out of that relationship able to express affection much much better and feeling much more confident and happy. Good luck!

emmabridget

Also, try to be kind to yourself and take it slow. It is OK if you have to work at it. It can be so great to find a guy who is touchy-feely, and this is a great opportunity to explore and learn about yourself and make changes if YOU want to. There cannot be a downside to having more affection in the world...

This touchy-feely ex of mine was also amazing with kids and that was a great education for me on how to be affectionate. Kids can reject you five times a minute and also give you amazing affection. With kids, you have to do a lot of initiating of affection and often you can feel rejected by them. Kids taught me how to not care so much about looking silly or losing face or being rejected, just keep putting the love out there and thinking the best of them.

I am still not a touchy feely person with friends and family but with kids and partners i am.

SomeoneSomeplace

Give it time.

I was not touchy feely at all and still am not with many people. I feel really uncomfortable when people go to hug me or sit to close to me etc. Even family members. I grew up in a somewhat "cold" family, the love was there but it was expressed in a different way. My parents weren't very affectionate with us o with each other. In 24 years I've never even seen them so much as kiss and only recently have seen them embrace one another in a more intimate manner then just a hug. (Like Cuddling or holding hands etc)

My ex grew up in the opposite kind of household. The first time his Mom met me she gave me a giant hug and hugged me every time I saw her after that. She kissed him goodnight all the time and was affectionate with my boyfriends Father when he was growing up... so my ex became a very affectionate person.

He constantly wanted to be touching me, holding my hand, have his arm around me, give me massages, hugs, kiss me, etc and he wanted that kind of affection back. At first it was really awkward for me because my first serious boyfriend was a military man, he kept to himself more and our affection was more sex based. With my Ex sex was apart of it but there was also a huge other level of emotional physical intimacy that made me really uncomfortable and that I wasn't used to

But as I got more comfortable with him & with my own body & my own affections toward him I stated to LOVE how affetionate he was. He was still always more affectionate than me but I will admit one major thing I miss about him is him being touchy feely and that certainly wasn't the case at first.

For the record I was with my first boyfriend for almost 6 years and we were engaged and I couldn't initiate a kiss with him and felt uncomfortable about when to touch him and when not to cos he was a lot like me and often needed his space and I honestly thought I'd NEVER be comfortable with my more recent ex but as time went on I became legit 100 percent comfortable with him and would initiate kissing and cuddling all the time.

It will take me a VERY long time to ever get to that point with a guy again but honestly even if you're like me and don't really get comfortable with being affectionate in general you WILL get more comfortable being affectionate with him and that's really what matters !