Trying to break an addiction

LoveAlwaysHopes100

Hi
I've heard some good things about this site so I figured I'd take a look. I know the site in general can't make me lose the weight there's no magic pill for this. If there was I'd be taking it I know I have to make the decision and commit to myself to do this. I've tried to loose weight a million and one times only to get down a few pounds and think okay I'm down it's okay if I eat something bad just this one time but then it spirals out of control and there's no stopping it until I'm at my lowest point. Which would be right now at 3:30 in the morning. I started at 230lbs I got to 218 and I found that, that was a huge accomplishment. After my grandpa died about a month ago I made a promise to myself and to him that I would get healthy so I put myself into focus and before I knew it I was at 207 I felt so happy that I was on my way. I was happy and then realization started to set in not only that this would be an extremely long road but that my grandpa was gone and I'd be walking this road alone. So again I spiraled out of control and just weighed myself again and I'm back at 218. Not only have I let myself down but I've let my grandpa down and I'm gutted.

I visited the cemetery yesterday and I promised him...I told him that I was going to lose this weight. I told myself that I would lose this weight. I'm trying again because I want to make him proud of me and I want to be proud of myself for achieving something that I've never thought I would ever achieve.

When I look into my future I just see darkness I don't see myself older with a boyfriend or a husband that loves me and kids and a house and good job and living a nice life. I see myself as 300lb shut in that everyone is completely disgusted with. I fear that my future is bleak. I feel scared that I'll always be heavy and that my life is just going to pass me by and I'll die alone. I'm afraid that my weight is going to kill me one day.

I'm embarrassed to go out with friends not that I have too many anymore they've all moved on with their lives, got boyfriends and have kids. I'm happy for them. I wish to have the same. But I don't out with guys, even though I have a few guy friends that still call me from time to time. They haven't seen me in years there's a difference between talking on facebook and talking face to face I'm afraid they'd run away screaming. Why would they want a girl that looks like me? I want confidence and I'll never have it if I stay at the weight I am now but I find myself mindless eating all the time.

Food is my cocaine...No amount of pills can stop me from over eating. The pills I'm given-- Topiramate, Phentermine, and Diethylpropion doesn't stop me from over eating it just happens I can't explain it I'm an addict. 218lbs at 24 years old is not acceptable I can't do it anymore. I need to change or I'll go on forever hating myself. I have to change! I don't want to be a loser the rest of my life. Eventually I would like to have a family and no guy is going to love me if I look like this...No guy would even give me a chance.

I would love to have some friends to shoot me some encouragement and motivation along the way...I don't know how to walk this road alone now that the support of my grandpa is gone. It's ten times harder than it originally was without him.


Alyssa

Umeboshi

Good luck! Try to work on your self-esteem too. You could be well over 300 pounds and still find someone to love and have kids with. People (except for fatphobic jerks) would not all be disgusted with you! When I weighed a couple pounds short of 300, my girlfriend still loved me the same. And she definitely wasn't disgusted by me!

My best advice on the long journey ahead is forgive yourself, and don't give up. I mean don't give up no matter WHAT. Mess up for a day? Get back on track. Mess up for a week? Get back on track. Months of not logging and binge eating and gaining weight? Don't be angry at yourself, don't be ashamed, just come back and keep on trying. You can do this.
And try to remember, beating yourself up when you make mistakes doesn't help. Making mistakes is human. Trying again despite all your mistakes is what will get you to your goals.

Edit:
I would love to add you but I don't think I'm able to give the support you need. I'm not on very much at all lately, but if you still want to add me I don't mind at all.

mock743

Food is an addiction for you. With addiction comes a process of changing your life. It will be rough but on this journey there will be ups and downs. You just need to remember to rely on those around you to support you in your endeavors. I am bad at yo-yo weight loss. Surround yourself with others that will motivate you in your goals for becoming a smaller version of yourself that will make you happy. I want to wish you all the luck that you deserve in life and with your goals in life.

JasonsSoulMate

Please feel free to add me, guilty is a constant companion for some of us, and we need support to get past it. Remember though, this journey has to be for YOU.

E