Why Doesn't My Family Support Me?

Iron_Maiden

...and how do I get past it? I feel like a wounded kid sometimes.

I talked with my sister yesterday (who is self-admittedly very unhealthy & obese) & wanted to tell her how excited & proud I was of my recent accomplishments. I've been active - exercising every day, eating green, cutting out sweets, watching my portions, etc. BUT before I could spill out any of the details which I was so excited to share (all I said was that I'd been living healthy recently) she said "UGH! DAMN YOU FOR BEING SO GOOD WHILE I'M NOT!". I know she's partly teasing and it's not about me and more about her but it's always like this and it's very deflating! I come from a long line of obese people. I fight for what I earn.

The same thing happens with my mom. I worked at the same company as her several years ago and four days a week on my lunch hour I would go running. I lost a ton of weight and was healthier than I had been since high school! It was a great accomplishment for me and challenging since I was newly divorced & a single mom. She never once encouraged me nor said I was doing well or looking good. In fact, when other people would compliment me in front of her she would sort of grimace. ??? Is it any wonder I stopped running & am back here starting over 6 years later? (not trying to 100% blame mom here) but she's only ever criticized me for looking heavier - especially when I was younger. I remember once I fit into a size 8 & she told me I was lying. ....Ok, that's enough for the trip down memory lane. :ohwell:

I'm not abused. I know I am loved but it's really hurtful when the people who know me the best don't get behind me & support my efforts to be healthy! Am I alone in this????

YoungDoc2B

Probably not, but why do you need the nod of approval from them? You're an adult. What they say/do should not determine your happiness.

acrynne

I have a less than supportive family. I have let them drag me down in the past. But, I'm taking a different approach this time.... I'm not talking with them about it. I'm not telling them about how I've changed my lifestyle or about me exercising. They have noticed. A few people have commented. I just shrug and move on. I don't open the door for discussion or debate. Because I know.... I can never ever win with them.

Instead: I have enlisted my friends. The ones who I know support me and want me to get healthy. When I have a bad day, I talk with them. When I have something to celebrate, I call them.

I have finally learned that I can't force my family to be my support system. They are always going to be who they are.

I encourage you to build your own support system. You already know that your mom and your sister are not going to be there for you.

AmandaTWaH

I have the same problem. A lot of "you'll never stick with it" and "I don't believe you"s. I just don't talk about it with people who won't support me. It sucks to not be able to talk to my family about it, but I also use it as motivation. One day they will see me and they won't be able to say those things.

Iron_Maiden

Probably not, but why do you need the nod of approval from them? You're an adult. What they say/do should not determine your happiness.

You're right to a degree. I don't let it ultimately determine my happiness & the choices I make which I why I'm still here but for the most part my family is my core and honestly....I'm sensitive.

trophywife24

Because your success makes people think about themselves and most people don't like to/want to do that. When you're surrounded by people who live the way you do, it makes it easy not to examine your life. It's something that I've struggled with before and re-freaking-fuse to struggle with ever again. YOU are NOT responsible for other peoples insecurity. It's very hurtful when it comes from family, I know.

Congrats on your success

ETA: my mother is not supportive. She's implied more than once that "I don't eat" or that I have some sort of eating disorder, that I'm "too thin" and told me several times when I was clearly still very overweight that I should just "stop loosing now". Some people are under the impression that the smaller you get, the bigger they get.... and honestly that's just not your problem.

Slack2ShortGo

Your not alone. I quickly ballooned from 200lbs to 284lbs in about 8 years. My family quietly sat there and watched me do this to myself and didn't say a word. I don't know if they were scared to hurt my feelings or if they just did not want the same to happen to them. In the last 6 months I have lost 23lbs and am feeling better than I have in years. I look to my wife and family for reassurance and encouragement but they say and do very little to let me know they are proud of the weight I have lost. Don't forget that the MFP community is here for you to encourage you along the way.

skinnybitchbarbie27

I use my family's inability to support me to push me harder. My mom, whom I know loves me and we have a pretty good relationship, was hell when I was a kid. I was depressed due to an alcoholic stepfather who used to physically beat up on us kids. (nothing sexual) She used to clip articles about how depression is directly because of obesity, highlight stuff, then leave it on my bed. She was heavier and as she lost weight she almost had an entitlement issue. She used to call people smaller than me fat which I took as a direct hit to my physical appearance. My little sister who was blessed with a "perfect" body, athletic, curves in all the right places, got 100% more affection and attention than I did. When she got older, however, my mom would claim that clothes she was wearing were ugly then once my sister got rid of them my mom would buy something similar. After I got to 330 pounds (too much of my F**k you mom attitude) I decided to get serious. I have taken many baby steps in which she hasn't said much along the way. I will ask her for exercise or diet help however my accomplishments go unnoticed. She is very competitive with her female children. This pushes me.

Here are some examples- I was excited and told her one week I rode 72 miles on my bike. The reply was Yeah? I rode 90 this week. Boom, this made me kick up my rides a little longer.

When I tell her about a weight loss she instantly says that she has gained about 10 pounds and needs to get serious because "She can't believe I am exercising more than she does now"

I just one day want to beat her at something. She has accomplished so much, and I am very proud of her, but when we do Cycle Oregon in 5 years I want to kick her *kitten* like no ones business. I want to prove that I can be better than she is.

vim_n_vigor

MFP is for my weight loss and friendships here. My family only hears about things when they ask, and if they start to give me any grief, I change the subject - except for my husband and kids. I'd really like my husband to start working out with me, and I am trying to teach my kids a better path from a young age. I don't expect much from my family anymore, so I guess it is easy to skip sharing this part of my life with them too.

vmekash

I'm sorry your family is not supporting you. Hopefully, they're not actually trying to discourage you. But, if they are, this is a real I'll-show-you moment. You just do the best you can, and do not discuss your success with them, unless they bring it up. Here, at MFP, you'll get support and encouragement. I'm sure you have friends who will give you a boost when you need it. You're not alone. You're not on your own here.

Best of Luck! Keep on keepin' on. Ya know?

BernadetteChurch

I have a less than supportive family. I have let them drag me down in the past. But, I'm taking a different approach this time.... I'm not talking with them about it. I'm not telling them about how I've changed my lifestyle or about me exercising. They have noticed. A few people have commented. I just shrug and move on. I don't open the door for discussion or debate. Because I know.... I can never ever win with them.

Instead: I have enlisted my friends. The ones who I know support me and want me to get healthy. When I have a bad day, I talk with them. When I have something to celebrate, I call them.

I have finally learned that I can't force my family to be my support system. They are always going to be who they are.

I encourage you to build your own support system. You already know that your mom and your sister are not going to be there for you.

Very good advice here. Your family is your family but they can't be everything to you. And if they can't give your the support you need then find it elsewhere. MFP is the perfect place!

jgm379

I dont have friends, and my husband is usually too busy for me so I know where you are with this. My mom is very over weight, and when I go to her for comfort, she tells me "you made your bed now l lie in it". When I start losing weight she tells me "you're doing it for no reason, you're just gonna gain it back or get preg. again". I have gone all my life w/o encouragement from anyone for anything. I am alone mentally and emotionally. Besides weight loss I am going thru something else really difficult. I have no one to turn to. The only way we are going to get passed anything is to have a made up mind and to keep moving forward. This site full of so many people I dont know or know anything about are my only encouragement, so dont feel alone in this.

KristyHumphrey

I tend to keep it to myself when I'm trying to be more healthy. I get too much backlash from people -a lot of it is jealousy that they aren't doing the same thing etc. Or they try and derail my efforts and talk me into eating junk "you can have just one chip"! No, I actually cannot because I have no self control. So.....I think people for the most part don't support because they wish they could jump on the bandwagon and we just have to use these communities. And like someone said-we are adults-WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK! All we can do is try and be healthier for ourselves!

Great_Mazinga

People are uncomfortable when anyone around them makes a change for the better. What is so difficult to understand is when they try to sabotage you. When I made a big weight loss push years ago, coworkers would bring the box of donuts, or offer cake, cookies, whatever the junk food of the day was by my desk. I didn't think it was funny. Or I would be through eating at a family dinner, and "well meaning" relatives would keep insisting I eat more, even to the point one time I had to jerk my plate out from under the next scoop of unwanted food. It ended up on the table in a mess. Another time I tried to block with my hand and they dumped it on me anyway. It is absolutely infuriating, but I stick to my guns and let them no my "NO" means no. It's not just a diet thing, either.

I've also eliminated all debt save our last mortgage, and people would make fun, tease or leave little jibes here and there. I refuse to take advice from broke people or obese people trying to keep me where they are.

I too have a basically unsupportive family. Everyone starts having heart attacks and stints put in by their late/mid 40's. I just can't continue to live that mega high fat, starch bomb lifestyle any longer. Everyone around me is obese or sedentary. I have to look here for any kind of support, or understanding.

The bible says "Do not cast your pearls before swine" Matthew 7:6

Guard your heart and don't let anyone steal your joy. Find friends who will celebrate with you, not sneer at your successes in life.

PNJB796

I'm with YoungDoc on this! The only opinion you need to worry about is your own!

When you waft down the stairs glamorous and svelte-like, they will recognise they have a daughter/sister who knows her own mind and who is willing to work for what she wants!

Then they will be proud of you!

lisamarie2181

...and how do I get past it? I feel like a wounded kid sometimes.

I talked with my sister yesterday (who is self-admittedly very unhealthy & obese) & wanted to tell her how excited & proud I was of my recent accomplishments. I've been active - exercising every day, eating green, cutting out sweets, watching my portions, etc. BUT before I could spill out any of the details which I was so excited to share (all I said was that I'd been living healthy recently) she said "UGH! DAMN YOU FOR BEING SO GOOD WHILE I'M NOT!". I know she's partly teasing and it's not about me and more about her but it's always like this and it's very deflating! I come from a long line of obese people. I fight for what I earn.

The same thing happens with my mom. I worked at the same company as her several years ago and four days a week on my lunch hour I would go running. I lost a ton of weight and was healthier than I had been since high school! It was a great accomplishment for me and challenging since I was newly divorced & a single mom. She never once encouraged me nor said I was doing well or looking good. In fact, when other people would compliment me in front of her she would sort of grimace. ??? Is it any wonder I stopped running & am back here starting over 6 years later? (not trying to 100% blame mom here) but she's only ever criticized me for looking heavier - especially when I was younger. I remember once I fit into a size 8 & she told me I was lying. ....Ok, that's enough for the trip down memory lane. :ohwell:

I'm not abused. I know I am loved but it's really hurtful when the people who know me the best don't get behind me & support my efforts to be healthy! Am I alone in this????

People behave that way because it is something they can't do themselves (well they can but choose not to!), so they don't want you feeling good about it either! Misery loves company, that saying is so very true. Don't let them get you down, you know you are doing what is right for you and no one can take that away from you!

Have you ever tried getting them involved? Maybe they don't know what to do and just need some help and are mad for not including them? Not sure if that could be the case at all, but might be something to consider!

Either way, be proud of all you have accomplished, you are an inspiration and you need to always remember how far you have come and what a wonderful person you are!!

boosham

try to overlook that ,or maybe even tell them how it makes u feel. sometimes misery loves company, they just dont understand.

Pamela_June

Like so many others, I too have NO support from my family - and I see by reading all the above that it is not so uncommon. Someone above said they use it as a motivation to try harder - I have to agree, it seems when I get 'mad'....... at my family not helping or supporting me I can find the strength to take that 'extra' walk... or make the healither eating choice....

And I think starting today... I am going to be so much better. I have noticed that since I started MFP - I really haven't lost anything - and I was blaming OTHERS.or that I am too OLD...... well - I am taking control....I will (soon) be able to post a weight loss... I will track more carefully... and I will exercise more...I WILL BE HEALITHER!

andshley

Because your success makes people think about themselves and most people don't like to/want to do that.

This. The good you are doing is pointing out that they are not doing good.

Iron_Maiden

Thanks everyone for your wisdom and insight!!! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: I am glad MFP is here as a support system!

megleo818

Guilt is a very powerful thing. The way most people deal with guilt is to cover it over with anger and aggression. Your family members feel guilty for not getting themselves healthy, so when your successes (and their relative failures) are so evident they shove that guilt aside, let anger take its place, and say mean things.

They love you. They really do. They don't mean to be nasty and sabotage you. I'm betting it's just too hard for them to look at themselves and see how hard you've worked and to feel like they've been lazy slobs (I'm not saying the ARE lazy slobs, just that they probably feel that way in comparison). They've got a tough row to hoe -- we all know how it feels to be them or we wouldn't be here.

So look elsewhere for your validation. Don't try to talk with them about what you're doing for yourself. Know that it's hurtful to them and just let it lie. If you can look at this situation as an opportunity for YOU to be kind to THEM by not calling attention to their self-inflicted ill health instead of a situation of them being unkind to you, it might help. And who knows? -- Maybe your sister will be able to ask you for fitness advice one day. How amazing would that be?

Your pals are here for you! I am here for you! I think your accomplishments are SPECTACULAR! There's no way on God's green Earth that I could ever run 4 times a week during lunchtime -- I can't even run a mile on the treadmill without whining so pitifully that the gym staff wants to eject me. You're doing really, really well!

I realize that I probably should have posted this on your news feed instead of here because a bunch of people will likely flame me for whatever reason. Oh well. I hope it helps!

xxox

Iron_Maiden

Guilt is a very powerful thing. The way most people deal with guilt is to cover it over with anger and aggression. Your family members feel guilty for not getting themselves healthy, so when your successes (and their relative failures) are so evident they shove that guilt aside, let anger take its place, and say mean things.

They love you. They really do. They don't mean to be nasty and sabotage you. I'm betting it's just too hard for them to look at themselves and see how hard you've worked and to feel like they've been lazy slobs (I'm not saying the ARE lazy slobs, just that they probably feel that way in comparison). They've got a tough row to hoe -- we all know how it feels to be them or we wouldn't be here.

So look elsewhere for your validation. Don't try to talk with them about what you're doing for yourself. Know that it's hurtful to them and just let it lie. If you can look at this situation as an opportunity for YOU to be kind to THEM by not calling attention to their self-inflicted ill health instead of a situation of them being unkind to you, it might help. And who knows? -- Maybe your sister will be able to ask you for fitness advice one day. How amazing would that be?

Your pals are here for you! I am here for you! I think your accomplishments are SPECTACULAR! There's no way on God's green Earth that I could ever run 4 times a week during lunchtime -- I can't even run a mile on the treadmill without whining so pitifully that the gym staff wants to eject me. You're doing really, really well!

I realize that I probably should have posted this on your news feed instead of here because a bunch of people will likely flame me for whatever reason. Oh well. I hope it helps!

xxox

You're awesome! Thank you for this! I'm so glad I'm on MFP! You and others on here are right - I think I do need to not talk to them about my fitness goals. It's just better all around! Onward and upward! :flowerforyou:

acpgranberg

I agree with everything Megleo818 said. You are doing fantastic and don't worry, if you think there is no one to voice your successes to, We'll speak up with a great big cheer for you!

Iron_Maiden

I agree with everything Megleo818 said. You are doing fantastic and don't worry, if you think there is no one to voice your successes to, We'll speak up with a great big cheer for you!

Thank you! :drinker:

bf43005

I'm sorry to hear that and really think you need to find your own reasons to be happy about your accomplishments. Don't worry about what others say. This past weekend was the first time I had seen my dad since March and I have lost 20+ lbs. When he said something his comment was "Yea I thought you lost weight, before I thought you might be pregnant" Wow really thanks dad!! But I know I have support from my MFP friends, people at the gym, and my wonderful husband so I try not to let my father get to me. Keep strong and remember not everyone will be happy for you because they are jealous

Iron_Maiden

I'm sorry to hear that and really think you need to find your own reasons to be happy about your accomplishments. Don't worry about what others say. This past weekend was the first time I had seen my dad since March and I have lost 20+ lbs. When he said something his comment was "Yea I thought you lost weight, before I thought you might be pregnant" Wow really thanks dad!! But I know I have support from my MFP friends, people at the gym, and my wonderful husband so I try not to let my father get to me. Keep strong and remember not everyone will be happy for you because they are jealous

Wow, sorry to hear that your dad said that! It is hurtful when people we love try to harm our progress. You're right - we need to move forward regarless! I'm glad to have yo on my friend list!