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HELP ME WITH MY HUSBAND

mia66

I decided to get healthy this year and have been really successful so far. I am feeling great about myself. But my husband has a much bigger weight problem than me. He is 5' 10 inches tall and weighs 260 pounds now. He lost his job in the Summer and sits in the back room on the computer all day. I try to get him to get out for a walk but he will only drive even if it is nice out, he is also a smoker. He is going to be 50 this year and I am afraid for his health, I want him around a long time.
How do I motivate him. I feel guilty going to the gym after work and leaving him there. I thought that getting fit and eating right would give him some inspiration, maybe I need to give him a little more time.
He is always talking about quitting smoking and eating right but has not been able to get past a day or two.
Any suggestions, anyone.
Thanks.
Mia
EAT LESS MOVE MORE:flowerforyou: :drinker:

Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

Replies

julesb

Good for you...keep up the great work!

Unfortunately - you cant make your hubby want to get on board...he has to want it for himself. Never fear, though. When he starts seeing your fantastic results I bet he starts changing his mind! Good luck with your journey.

Julia

SunshineLady

You are setting a GREAT example. It is up to him to make the CHOICE. If you force him into it, you know it will backfire!! If he withdraws too much, consider talking with your doctor or encourage him to go to the doctor. My suggestion.... keep setting a great example...keep a positive physical and mental outlook. Eventually, it may rub off. And on the other hand, it may not.

ali258

Well, if you cook the food for your family, that is one way to get him involved whether he wants to be or not. Just making some subtle substitutions in his diet can be a good start.

Next, maybe you could invite him to go on short walks with you. If he feels too out of shape or unmotivated to join you in what you do for exercise, tell him you just want some company on a short 15 or 20 minute walk, and after a few of the short walks, you can start adding in a couple of extra minutes.

You could also tell him your concern about his smoking and weight at his age, and that you would rather him be grouchy for a week or two while he's getting used to a healthier lifestyle than lose him at an early age.

Good luck!

-Alison

HollyAnnH

The thought that came to mind after reading this is "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"

I think it is great that you are eating healthier and working out but until he is really ready to commit there isn't anything you can do to make that choice for him.

You can make healthier meals...if you do the cooking....and always ask if he wants to go with you to the gym. If he doesn't go don't get upset just say something like "okay, maybe next time then" and leave it at that.

It sounds like he wants to make better choices and does know that he needs to. He may be in a rutt and down since being laid off. A lot of people are going through this right now. I know because my husband is unemployed right now too. It is really tough on a man's ego to be out of work. I just try to stay positive and keep pluggin' along.

I wish I had all the answers. I hope things get better for you both. :flowerforyou:

Miss_Chievous_wechange

First of all, do not feel guilty for improving your health and wellbeing. Maybe when your husband sees the results you are getting from eating healthy foods and exercising, he will be motivated to do the same. Keep encouraging him to exercise and to stop smoking. Continue asking him if he would like to join you for a walk. Make sure he understands that you are concerned for his health and you love him and want him to be healthy and live a long life. I wish you and your husband the very best.

cashmandue

I would say lead by example. It's been my experience that you cannot make someone do anything - they have to want to do it for themselves. I know it's frustrating, I have had similar experiences with my significant other. I know for me it is draining to focus on someone else rather than focussing on my health. "They" always say - if you don't take care of yourself, you can't be there for anyone else. Lead by example, encourage him, and then try to let it go. Hang in there, over time he may see you getting healthier and happier and it may give him the motivation for himself. :flowerforyou:

CrystalT

I would be so nice if we could just take our wonderful hubbies on this journey with us whether they wanted it or not. But we can't. I have the same issue with my hubby. He eats terribly and he is battling to quit smoking. He will exercise, but only when I do. He has the attitude that he has to die from something, why not let it be food. My only suggestion to you is to be honest with him about how you feel. You want him in your life for a long, long time. And you want him to not just be alive, but active. So many people forget that being healthy is about more than just longevity. It is also about your quality of life. I told DH I didn't want him to have a stroke and have to be taken care of for the last 20 years or more of his life.

What did my hubby say when I opened up to him? "You're a drama queen!"

If he actually listens and decides to make a change, make sure to offer your support and knowledge to help. Otherwise, all you have left is to do your best to affect his diet at much as possible. I try to make sure that what I could is as healthy as I can because I know the rest of his food is going to be junk.

BrendaLee

I'm worried about his health, and I don't even know him...I can imagine how you feel. Overweight, inactive and a smoker...that's scary. He's not going to be able to change all at once, so encourage him to work on one thing at a time. Bribe him if you have to..."Honey, come for a half hour walk with me, and I'll ___." Fill in the blank with something that will motivate him. Make it fun for him. It's great to lead by example, but I think hubby needs more of a push in the right direction.

photoman67

Try to get him to go to the doctor for a physical. If the doctor tells him his health is failing and he needs to lose weight and quit smoking, maybe that will give him some motivation. That's what happened to me! Good luck.

nisijam5

How about scheduling a doctor's appointment for a physical...doing a basic blood panel is always a wake-up call...also, you aren't the nag, a third party is better than a wife giving information...also, with losing his job and being overweight, he may suffer from a small bout of depression which an MD can assess for...all you have to do is call and make the appointment

QueenInge

What about a Weii game system? The whole family could play and he would still officially be getting his computer fix. It could even be a party game when friends come over. I don't have one but from the looks of the ads, you can find a huge variety of games. Does he like a particular sport or has he ever participated in a particular sport? You could find something along those lines. He may be trying to avoid the issue of unemployment by immersing himself in a virtual world. It may be affecting his self esteem or making him feel hopeless. (I don't think a man would readily admit to feeling either.) When he finds employment, that may cure the problem of motivation in itself. He will probably feel energized by a new job. A Weii would probably be a large expense. If you go to church or have another group of associates that you socialize with, you could see if anyone has a Weii system and organize a get together. Weii tournaments? Or other sports get togethers? Just some ideas to help you think of something.

Jenks

Unfortunately you can't make him change if he doesn't want to.
I've been dealing with the same situation with my own husband. This past week I started working at a new gym that offers personal training for only $15 a session, and I mentioned it to my husband...because I want to sign up for a few sessions. He liked the idea, then I happened to take a picture of him sitting down without a shirt on....once he saw the pic he thought it might be a good idea to get a personal trainer as well.
Anyways the point to my story is it will happen in it's own time.

Good Luck & Be Patient

lisa811

Along the lines of many other responses here: I've learned two VERY important lessons in the last year that have drastically changed my marriage. This applies to marriage in general, not just getting healthy:
1. You CAN'T change your spouse.
2. You have to work on YOU. No matter what. It's natural, especially for women, to worry about everyone else and to try to take care of them. Absolutely continue to encourage him. But put YOU first. Chances are, your changes to yourself will open his eyes. But it has to be his choice in the end.

Hard lessons to learn, but wow does it make a difference. Good luck, I hope he comes on board!

iplayoutside19

He's not going to do anything until he wants to do it. He might begrudgingly go on a walk with you, but it won't last until he's mentally committed to getting healthier. The only thing you can do is be a good example, bring better foods into the home, and continue to create an enviorment for healthy living.

This comment caught me eye.

He has the attitude that he has to die from something, why not let it be food.

mdale2

Lead by example. That's about it. My fiance has at least cut his "dining out" expense when I send homemade meals with him to work and it's helped him cut a few pounds...not intentionally, though. He's been inspired by me getting back into shape and joined the Y...only to never use his membership. Any discussion about nutrition will turn into a raging argument. I don't even go there. I have a fascination with it and I think he probably thinks I'm an utter quack.

I used to make suggestions like "let's go for a bike ride", "hey you can borrow my P90X set!" and "I like this food and it's healthy" and it turned into a big argument. Bad idea...just...bad. Buying into fitness fads and buying Wii Fits for people may also be a wasted effort of time and money, also. Just...fair warning. Our Wii currently sits on the shelf collecting dust. I don't care to use it because I'd rather go outside for a run...

If anything, just aim to cook healthy and don't leave junk food or sugary soda in the house. Hopefully they'll find other ways to be active. I'm thankful my fiance is in some activities that keep him active. I've lost the ability to care if he intentionally exercises. Whatevs. It's not worth the fight.

LittleSpy

I agree - talk to him about how you want him to be around for a long time.

I quit smoking over 2 years ago but I still struggle with it sometimes (especially lately... :grumble:). Whenever I talk about buying a pack of cigarettes my boyfriend asks me not to because he doesn't want me to get sick because of cigarettes. It sounds lame, but I think it's sweet and it keeps me from buying cigarettes because not only do I not want to smoke or be unhealthy, but I also don't want to worry and disappoint him.

cds2327

Amen sister!! I am in the same situation, except my hubby is pushing 300. I am scared for him too. wish I could get him to eat better.

Hoosiermomma

Same story going on here with my husband and me. He fortunately loves to hunt and that has kept him moving until the end of this season. People have noticed he looks better and he feels better even tho he has not lost weight. Right now we are logging his calories because he has shown some interest in just seeing the difference between eating peanuts versus pistacheos etc. He doesn't want to get heavier so that at least has motivated him to take a look at what is "normal" intake. He seem willing to take a look at what small changes might make a differnce. Baby steps and constant reminders to self... "it has taken me ten years to get motivated to do this." I want him to enjoy my sucess and not resent my changes. Going militant will not work in THIS house!!:laugh:

Hoosiermomma

Yes, we're all mortal, But dieing from obese related illnesses is a bad, bad way to go. Think about it. You'll have less energy, look worse, feel worse, get less sex, and constantly be told something is wrong with you, and you still die. Meanwhile healthier people will look better, feel better, get more sex, and not worry about weight related issues. Dieing is something we cannot control, but we might as well make the most of what we can control.

I guess the one thing you can tell your hubbies is be fat isn't very manly.
[/quote]

(ABOVE IS QUOTE FROM iplaysportsdoutside19)

All so true, but again probably will not move us and our health in the right direction. We each need to decide for ourselves! (Preaching to myself here!):blushing: :blushing:

JennCh

I'm in the same boat as some of you. My hubbie is around 6'1" and close to 300 pounds. He has high blood pressure, high cholesteral, and sleep apnea. He knows he needs to drop some weight, and actually did last year when he and I did our own Biggest Loser, but after the 90 days were over, he went right back to his usual horrible eating ways. I love working out and eating well. I love teaching my kids how to choose healthy foods. Like another poster said, I'm fascinated with nutrition and the human body, what's good for it and what's not. Hubbie, though, doesn't care at all.

I love what this poster said: "I used to make suggestions like "let's go for a bike ride", "hey you can borrow my P90X set!" and "I like this food and it's healthy" and it turned into a big argument. Bad idea...just...bad. " this is me and my husband. Anytime I make a suggestion for exercising he has an injury that keeps him from joining. Whenever I make a suggestion for a meal, he rolls his eyes and makes noises about what I'd like to have. If it's not full of sugar and fat, he doesn't want it. To avoid the arguments, I just fix the meals and set them on the table. If he eats he eats. Usually he'll get something to go along with what I fix.

It's a tough issue. I certainly don't have any answers, but like others have said, I want my hubbie around for a long, long time. He really is my best friend and I need him with me.

sdgreen17

Just to offer a slightly different perspective...

You mentioned that your husband recently lost his job...my family recently went through this and my husband reacted in a similar way. He completely withdrew and had no interest in living healthy (or much at all for that matter!) My husband also smokes and makes unhealthy eating choices, although his weight isn't an issue for him...yet. A big part of this was due to the depression from being unemployed. Speaking in general terms, men tend to tie their self-esteem to their ability to provide for their families. When that identity is ripped away, it's hard to focus on anything besides how to get that back. Trust me, I had to learn the hard way that the last thing he needs right now is you on his back about what he sees as trivial things. As others have said, you can't make him change, even though you are trying to do so out of love. The more you push him, the more he will push back.

In my experience, all it took was my husband finding a new job. It's like he's a new man. His self-esteem is back, he hasn't smoked since January first (which is HUGE for him) and he is talking about starting to work out together, go for walks and maybe even buy some bicycles so we can go for bike rides together with the kids. Of course he still loves to eat unhealthy stuff (in front of me!), but hey, baby steps, right?!?

In the mean time, just be patient. Lead by example, cook healthy, and offer as much encouragement to him as you can. Whenever he makes ANY effort, genuinely praise him for it. When he's ready, he'll make the change.

Iceprincessk25

My dad is the same way. He reacts like a vampire to garlic when he sees the word LIGHT or FAT FREE on anything. Soooooo, my mom just sneaks the stuff in. Sometimes she'll put the light stuff in the normal container. He doesn't even know. I make him try things when they come over to my house like turkey bacon and the 50-50 Tropicana OJ and he's actually said they're not as bad as he thought it would be.

You're not going to be able to convince him or change him unless he wants to. Lead by your good example!

34at35

Here's what it took for me to get motivated to make the lifestyle change I needed.

I was at my annual med check in November 2008 at my doctor's office. At the time I was on 3 blood pressure med, 1 cholesterol/trigycerides med, and 1 blood sugar med and weighed 294 lbs. He had just increased the blood sugar med.

I was showing him pictures of my new baby granddaughter (Our first! :bigsmile: ) when he interrupts me and says, "Do you want to be around to play with her 10 years?" I stammered back "Of, course!" He then says, "Well you had better start doing something about your weight then. You are on the slippery slope to Type II diabetes."

Man! talk about getting punched in the face! That's all it took. Just the thought of being dead in10 years if I didn't change!

Today I weigh 181 pounds, am on none of those meds, feel like I'm 30 years younger, have a greatly increased libido, and am within 10 pound of what I weighed 35 years ago on my wedding day! And I'm sure that Casper and many other men on MFP feel the same so my suggestion is to show him some of these posts from us guys and just ask "Aren't we (your family) worth it to you? If you don't want to do it for yourself, how about doing it for us? Because we love you and we don't want to lose you!"

CasperO

Just to offer a slightly different perspective...

You mentioned that your husband recently lost his job...my family recently went through this and my husband reacted in a similar way. He completely withdrew and had no interest in living healthy (or much at all for that matter!) My husband also smokes and makes unhealthy eating choices, although his weight isn't an issue for him...yet. A big part of this was due to the depression from being unemployed. Speaking in general terms, men tend to tie their self-esteem to their ability to provide for their families. When that identity is ripped away, it's hard to focus on anything besides how to get that back. Trust me, I had to learn the hard way that the last thing he needs right now is you on his back about what he sees as trivial things. As others have said, you can't make him change, even though you are trying to do so out of love. The more you push him, the more he will push back.

In my experience, all it took was my husband finding a new job. It's like he's a new man. His self-esteem is back, he hasn't smoked since January first (which is HUGE for him) and he is talking about starting to work out together, go for walks and maybe even buy some bicycles so we can go for bike rides together with the kids. Of course he still loves to eat unhealthy stuff (in front of me!), but hey, baby steps, right?!?

In the mean time, just be patient. Lead by example, cook healthy, and offer as much encouragement to him as you can. Whenever he makes ANY effort, genuinely praise him for it. When he's ready, he'll make the change.

Hear Hear! Sdgreen for President!

That's where it is. Now this is 2010, and we're all liberated, and the "traditional roles as defined by the patriarchy have fallen away..." blah blah blah... Bull. Most any guy past about 15 years old feels like he's not really a man if he's not out there slaying the dragon and earning the legal tender. Your old man is depressed because he's lost his sense of where he fits in the world.

Trying to get him to improve his health right now is like trying to get a man who is currently on fire to tuck in his shirt. He'd like to,,, he knows the shirt should be tucked in,,, but he's got a bigger problem right this minute. Let's get the fire out, and then we'll see about the shirt.

He'll do it when he's ready. I did. But he has bigger problems right now. Been there, done that, it sux.

mia66

Thanks all of you for your responses. They are all very helpful. I will take a little from everyone.I was talking to my husband about starting to eat a healthy breakfast yesterday, because he tends to drink coffee and smoke all day, then overeat in the evening and stay up late and continue to have another dinner around midnight.
When I came home I asked him if he had breakfast today, he laughed at me and nudged me and said he had a bowl of cheerios and a banana. It was nice to hear, I just smiled at him.
I was thinking of calling his doctor and asking them to call him in for a physical.
Anyways thanks all for your support and suggestions, appreciated.
Mia
EAT LESS MOVE MORE:flowerforyou: :drinker:

Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

mia66

Thank you SDgreen17 and CasperO for your insight. You are definitely right. I will keep this in the front of my mind as a reminder to where his head is at right now.
Thanks
Mia
EAT LESS MOVE MORE:flowerforyou: :drinker:

Hoosiermomma

Reporting in here... to add some encouragement to this difficult topic.

After pushing, shoving , begging. manipulating, encouraging I quit (well sort of) I quit with a discussion that "you are a grown man who can make your own choices about what is healthy and good for you, our family and our marriage. I am no longer going to make you do what you do not want to do. I am here to encourage and help in any way YOU desire, but NO more than that. Be honest with me... if you want to sit around and drink beer and eat potato chips just let me know. That's what you may do. If you are interested in lowering that high blood pressure, losing, weight, and feeling better I will help you in any way you would like."

It worked! i am free of guilt for his choices, he is making better choices and we are much more of a team than adversaries. Not perfect, but better.

Turning point was a hospital stay for an injury. Lots of monitoring of blood pressure, diet etc, and he felt better and he liked it!

Do not give up but do not take the load upon yourself, it is his to decide how good or bad his life may be!

Hope this can encourage many of us who share this struggle - I am sure we are not through yet!