Adult children of divorcing parents...

EirePetal

My parents are currently going through a pretty nasty divorce and it is effecting me badly. I have been struggling with anger and depression which has made keeping to MFP and exercising hard (I am back after taking a month to wallow in my misery). I feel that as an adult, I shouldn't be effected by this quite so much. But in a way I feel that I have lost my parents. Obviously there is a change in the family unit structure and that transition is hard but what is really getting me is losing respect for my parents. I have always valued the ethics that my parents taught me yet they aren't holding any punches in this divorce. It is hard to see people I love being mean to each other. After learning more than I ever wanted to know about their relationship, I finally worked out boundaries with them but what is going on still slips through.

Have any of you or are any of you going through this? How do/did you deal with it?

Dear grammar-guardians, effected or affected? It really bothers me that I still get these mixed up.

DoomCakes

Ouch, divorce sounds rough for any age. My parents divorced when I was younger, which is a pain and confusing. But if they did it while I was at the age I'm at now I think I'd feel a bit how you do. I think it's normal to be upset about it because it's a major change in your family. It means your holidays will be crazy, especially if they can't be civil. Big events in your life same deal. Some times after the divorce they learn to be civil and will do whatever for you even if it means quietly sitting in a room together. But still. Must be frustrating to have to remember all the lectures of being kind go out the window because they're upset with each other. I hope it goes smooth and that you can regain hapiness and balance in your life.

melsmith612

Dear grammar-guardians, effected or affected? It really bothers me that I still get these mixed up.

You are affected by the effects of your parents divorcing.

melsmith612

Now for my real response...

My parents divorced when I was a year old because my Dad is gay. My parents remained friends, BEST friends for over 25 years following their divorce.

3 years ago my mom lost her job and my Dad and his husband invited her to come stay with them in Florida at their house while she found a new job, started a new life and basically just got on stable ground.

THAT is where the problem began. They totally ignored the fact that 25+ years of not living together had made them completely different people... plus you add in the slightly jealous remarks of a new spouse who doesn't quite comprehend how you're still friends after 25+ years of divorce and it's a recipe for disaster. (Please, if there's a God somewhere, don't let my two Dads that are on my friends list here read this post, I think it's a bit too honest for them!)

Anyway... they ended up having a HUGE blowout fight that ruined their friendship and my mom moved back North. They haven't spoken since. It took me a YEAR before I was willing to talk to my Dad and step-Dad because I ended up taking sides and I shouldn't have. My Dad missed my wedding and I missed his during that time... things that should have never happened. BUT it took me a year to realize that their fight didn't have to be MY fight. It was THEIR business and their dispute to resolve if they ever chose to do so. I decided that having a good relationship with each of my parents individually was more important to me than getting involved in a fight that didn't truly concern me.

I hope that you can find some peace with your parents' divorce. I'm still getting over the fact that my parents don't talk anymore, it's so strange. It just takes time and you have to be willing to acknowledge that it's not your place to judge what is happening in their marriage - only to be supportive to them both.

Ezada

My parents divorced when I was 27 (I am now 29).

It did affect me, I was super upset for my mother. My father was (and still is) an emotionally abusive self centered alcoholic. They didn't take each other to the cleaners, it was a fairly quiet divorce but now my father keeps coming back and asking if my mother needs anything which is emotionally crippling her. He left her in the end, which is bull**** in my opinion but whatever.

I also found out way more about my parents than I ever needed to know, it hurt, really bad. Especially when my father, who couldn't be bothered to skip a golf game to drive across town to my College Graduation, went away for 2 weeks with his girlfriend to another state to go to her son's college graduation.

How I dealt with it was by setting boundaries (which you said you have which is good) I told my mom what I will and will not discuss with her about the divorce. I also no longer speak to my father, for more reasons than just the divorce but it's long and complicated. He continues to try to get into touch with me, which emotionally wrecks me for weeks at a time. He keeps playing the "But I miss you" Card, when he hasn't attempted to talk to me/acknowledge my existence in years. Suddenly he want's a relationship.

Whenever this happens I have about 4 friends I can send a text to that says "He called me, help." and I will either get a phone call, text back or a knock on my door so I can vent and cry. It kills me to turn him away, but at the same time whenever I do let him back in he emotionally abuses me.

I deal with it by distancing myself from the whole process, I am an adult, this is their issue not mine. I am in no way responsible for either of them. I have to chant this to myself over and over and have friends reinforce it in my brain. I distract myself, if I find myself brooding over it I do something with my hands like knit, paint, plan a new project for my house, call a friend and go walking to talk it out. Anything so I don't sit and brood.

If you ever need someone to vent too feel free to add me and send a message, I am more than happy to talk it out with you.

vinnieti

@isispetal - I feel so bad for what you're going through. I'm in my early thirties, and my parents who have been married for more than 30 years are on the verge of divorcing. I also thought that as an adult their marital issues wouldn't effect me as much as they are.

What makes me so sad about your situation is that your parents are being so nasty to each other. That must be really painful.

What's helped me is reminding myself that my job is to be a good son to both of my parents and love them each for the parent they are to me. They're adults and their responsible for their own relationships. Realize that there is only so much you can control and you have to live your live too. Also, if you're a person of faith... keep it in prayer.

EirePetal

Thanks everyone. It helps to know that I am not overreacting and to share.