Your family

20tulipgirl20

To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.

Ya said it perfectly!

126siany

sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist

Do you think that has never been raised? Really?

She will have none of it. She will eat herself to death. If I had to place a bet, she will hit 300 lbs by 2013, and probably also have succeeded in killing herself by then.

Call me crazy, but I'd actually prefer that my mother live. She's had 3 strokes, she's pre diabetic, has high blood pressure, terrible arthritis, sleep apnea. But if you asked her, she would say that she has no health problems as most are controlled by meds.

But you're right, of course. Morbidly obese people shouldn't ever consider that they are stressing their loved ones to the breaking point every single day. Silly me. We should just ignore the morbidly obese people in our lives, as that is clearly more comfortable for everyone. Thank you for your sage advice. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that earlier!

Have you tried talking to her about WHY she is eating?
Try to have a chat with her about why she is overeating.. the thing she is missing out on in her life to make her feel the need to void this hole.

Yes. All of this has been tried.

Keep in mind that her idea of "therapy" is based in the 50s. She was FORCED into it then, as a teen, and she is determined to never go back. Let's put it this way: If her choices were to watch one of her children be disemboweled on live telecast or go to one talk therapy session, she would ask for popcorn and extra butter.

Look, what do you want from us? Sympathy?
You posted this on here and we gave you advice, trying to help. All you are doing is throwing it back in our face and being rude.

I can see why you would say that.

But I sincerely doubt that I am the ONLY person here who loves someone who is eating themselves to death and doesn't or can't understand the incredible stress they are creating for those who love them.

126siany

And, while everyone wants to *kitten* all over me, how many introductions here have ever mentioned the fact that their families are in crisis over the person's weight? ANY OF THEM? .00000000001%?

You all go on pretending that it affects no one but yourself. Doesn't make it true. If even ONE person in your life loves you, you are stressing them out by trying to kill yourself every day.

126siany

Tell me, how is this different? I really don't think it is. In all honesty, that is how I regard her. She knows that her behavior is killing her, ruining every aspect of her life, yet is powerless to stop it. The named poison is irrelevant the model is the same. And yes it's textbook case for raising codependents. Difference is that I am aware of that and she has no clue

My point is, that it isn't different. It's exactly the same, and I'm telling you what I would tell the child of an alcoholic. GET HELP. If you're aware you're co-dependent but doing nothing about it, it's like being aware you're obese and doing nothing. You cannot change her. You cannot control her. All you can control is your emotional response to her behavior. In fact, she may be doing it to subconsciously feed off that emotional response, and your getting therapy to learn how to quit feeding it might be the only way to help her.

I actually don't disagree with you. It is TEXTBOOK co-dependency. But letting her die or become a ward of the state isn't really an option.

So, as she can not be declared mentally incompetent and is totally against any sort of therapy, what do you suggest, oh wise one?

BeautyFromPain

And, while everyone wants to *kitten* all over me, how many introductions here have ever mentioned the fact that their families are in crisis over the person's weight? ANY OF THEM? .00000000001%?

You all go on pretending that it affects no one but yourself. Doesn't make it true. If even ONE person in your life loves you, you are stressing them out by trying to kill yourself every day.

Look, can you stop with comparing obesity to suicide... ?
they are 2 completely different things..

CincinnatiDEIFan

If ***MY*** life and ***MY*** decisions are stressing someone else out .... that is ***NOT*** my fault. They need to grow up and deal with the fact it is ***MY*** life to do as I so chose.

And as I type that...it is hard because I KNOW if I could see my dad RIGHT NOW...he is sitting in front of his tv (he can't walk or use his left arm anymore) smoking what is probably a cig from his at least second pack today.

I learned it is HIS LIFE, not mine. If he wants to keel over dead with a cig in his mouth, that is a decision HE and HE alone made.

morticiamom

You say recommending that you get help is sh*tting all over you, and that we, (here, on this site! )haven't admitted that our weight is a problem for our families, but still can't see that you need to get help?

CincinnatiDEIFan

I suggest ***YOU*** go the therapy YOURSELF. To learn her life is NOT up to you. She is your mother not your young child that you have any say over.

BeautyFromPain

If ***MY*** life and ***MY*** decisions are stressing someone else out .... that is ***NOT*** my fault. They need to grow up and deal with the fact it is ***MY*** life to do as I so chose.

This.

soleilxo

wowwww im really sorry for a few of these rude and pointless responses.

I am trying to put myself in your situation and I am imaging it would be horrible, but I am sure it is nothing close to what you feel. to experience someone you love slowly kill themselves, and the fact that that person does NOT see the impact that it has on you:( i dont know exactly what else i could say other than to just distance yourself slowly. your mom seems like someone who hates themselves/hates their life, and they take no value in their life. it seems like she just gave up and does not care. there is always hope maybe try to get closer to her? try to get deep inside her thoughts as to why she is so stubborn about this. I have no idea if I was any help probably not but i wish you the best and hope that you or she both get better.

BeautyFromPain

wowwww im really sorry for a few of these rude and pointless responses.

I am trying to put myself in your situation and I am imaging it would be horrible, but I am sure it is nothing close to what you feel. to experience someone you love slowly kill themselves, and the fact that that person does NOT see the impact that it has on you:( i dont know exactly what else i could say other than to just distance yourself slowly. your mom seems like someone who hates themselves/hates their life, and they take no value in their life. it seems like she just gave up and does not care. there is always hope maybe try to get closer to her? try to get deep inside her thoughts as to why she is so stubborn about this. I have no idea if I was any help probably not but i wish you the best and hope that you or she both get better.

In saying this - are you sure she doesn't have depression? Just a thought..

wildapril

To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.

I am not criticizing YOU. You are on MFP and working towards a healthier future.

... I am damned sick an tired of watching my mother kill herself.

So, go tell her. This is not productive, if you want to accomplish any sort of communication with your MOTHER.

126siany

And, while everyone wants to *kitten* all over me, how many introductions here have ever mentioned the fact that their families are in crisis over the person's weight? ANY OF THEM? .00000000001%?

You all go on pretending that it affects no one but yourself. Doesn't make it true. If even ONE person in your life loves you, you are stressing them out by trying to kill yourself every day.

Look, can you stop with comparing obesity to suicide... ?
they are 2 completely different things..

THAT depends on the person.

She has had THREE strokes as a result of her obesity. She has made no changes in her eating or exercise. She continues to gain weight, knowing that her weight is inviting additional strokes. She really and truly has felt as though she has dodged a bullet, as she has minimal damage from these strokes. She has some linguistic issues, but not insurmountable ones. But she is terrified that the next stroke could leave her unable to speak, as she is so incredibly frustrated by her current linguistic challenges. Yet she INVITES the next stroke!

She didn't even KNOW about two of the strokes. They were found during the tests for the BIG one that landed her in the hospital--the one that I was on the phone with her when she had it and told her "YOU ARE HAVING A STROKE". It took me 45 minutes to convince her to get into the ambulance I called for her, because she thought she was fine. This is what I LIVE WITH EVERY DAY.

She did ultimately realize she had a stroke, feels she dodged a bullet, and really, she was INCREDIBLY lucky. She can't write or type and she can't find the word she wants 60% of the time, but she can walk and talk and live on her own. And she has gained 50 pounds since THAT stroke.

I am NOT trying to "guilt","demean", "belittle", etc. I am asking an honest question: Do you have any conscious awareness that you are stressing those who love you to the limit, every day? I don't believe that some do. I know my mother doesn't. It is swept under the rug, like the weather--it sucks but what could anyone do about it. Oh gee, I dunno.

rawhidenadz

Honestly, if I was still obese and came across this post I think it would make me hate myself and want to die. It would make me cry, want to give up and eat myself into a coma instead of even TRYING to work on getting healthy. Your tone is incredibly hateful and disrespectful.

You are not helping anyone by posting this kind of negative **** on a board where most people have weight issues. You are not even helping yourself. You think you are, but it's clear that you're just venting because you're fed up and you want people to agree with you. I agree, your mother sounds pretty selfish, but that's HER problem not YOUR problem and you can't generalize and say that every obese person is like that.

You're angry at your mom, and I can see why, but she doesn't owe you ****. She doesn't owe it to you to be healthy. That's her decision to make when she is ready to make it. There is NOTHING you can do to change her, so stop stressing about it and stop whining and just focus on what you CAN do. Try being a good example instead of attacking her.