Your family

126siany

sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist

Do you think that has never been raised? Really?

She will have none of it. She will eat herself to death. If I had to place a bet, she will hit 300 lbs by 2013, and probably also have succeeded in killing herself by then.

Call me crazy, but I'd actually prefer that my mother live. She's had 3 strokes, she's pre diabetic, has high blood pressure, terrible arthritis, sleep apnea. But if you asked her, she would say that she has no health problems as most are controlled by meds.

But you're right, of course. Morbidly obese people shouldn't ever consider that they are stressing their loved ones to the breaking point every single day. Silly me. We should just ignore the morbidly obese people in our lives, as that is clearly more comfortable for everyone. Thank you for your sage advice. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that earlier!

CincinnatiDEIFan

I agree also with the above saying the OP should consider meeting with a therapist on help dealing with this.

Don't count on mom ever going...OP you go to learn to deal with the issues and stress you have.

It's kind of like them saying a couple needs marriage counselling, but if the spouse won't go...you go by youself anyway to learn to cope.

thatjulesgirl

To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.

I am not criticizing YOU. You are on MFP and working towards a healthier future.

But many of us are related to people who are not working at managing their health or weight. Those individuals like to believe that their weight is a personal matter and affects no one but themselves.

I am calling BS on that, as being significantly (not cosmetically) overweight affects everyone in your life! Especially those to whom you are related. I am damned sick an tired of watching my mother kill herself. I am damned sick an tired of her lying to me about her health. I am damned sick an tired of worrying that she could be dead when she doesn't answer the phone. I am damned sick an tired of driving 6 hours round trip because she can not actually make a trip to the Post Office or the grocery store or vacuum her house all due to her weight. I am damned sick an tired of wondering what she is lying about to me today about her health, and wondering if I need a court order to get her medical records. I am damned sick an tired of her refusing to leave the house because she thinks she will be badly received anywhere other people are present. I am damned sick an tired of the fact that she has not seen any house I have ever purchased or lived in because that would require EFFORT and STANDING ON HER FEET. I am damned sick an tired of making excuses for her at funerals, weddings, christenings, etc, because she would have had to do a few feet of WALKING to attend.

But mostly, I am damned sick an tired of watching her actively try to commit suicide while I am supposed to applaud.

I understand your frustration and terror - those are legitimate feelings, but everything you've just said is about YOU. Have you thought about it from HER perspective? As someone who's morbidly obese let me give you a few little insights that you may have been fortunate enough not to have experienced in your life:

1. She is not doing any of this TO you. Her weight, surprisingly, is not about YOU. It is about her. And whatever started her on the journey of weight-gain, I guarantee you - it was not pleasant. I would venture a guess that if she's let herself get big enough that she's almost immobile her over-eating is both an addiction, and her only coping mechanism for serious, fundamental emotional trauma / scaring.

2. The fact that she doesn't want to leave the house because, as you put it, "that would require EFFORT and STANDING ON HER FEET"... well I'd say that's probably about 10% of it. Yes, no one wants to feel physically uncomfortable or even genuine pain by leaving the house, but after everything you've described it sounds as though she's more agoraphobic than lazy. That's genuine, it's serious, again it's NOT about YOU, and it requires serious psychiatric help. I was the same, for 5 years - couldn't leave my house. And that becomes a vicious cycle: you stack the weight on because you won't leave the house and you won't leave the house because you've stacked the weight on. As much as you love your mother (which is obviously the reason for your outrage) you have to try, at least, to put yourself in her shoes: whatever judgement / attacks / bullying she faces in the world because of her weight, she probably says to herself - all day, every day and in a thousand more hurtful ways. It's very rare that you'll find someone with the confluence of issues you've spoken about who has ANY self-worth left at all. And to take control of your health / weight / body, you have to have SOME self-worth or there's literally no reason to, in your mind.

3. She needs encouragement. She doesn't need outrage or criticism or scolding. Regardless of the effects this has on your life, it is NOT your life - it is hers. Whether she is a drug addict or a gambler or morbidly obese or just never around, by the time you're an adult and she's an adult, her choices are her own and really, she doesn't owe you anything. If her presence in your life is causing you that much stress and anguish, you need to be an adult and simply cut all ties. It's up to each person to decide if the people around them are positive or negative forces in their life and remove what is damaging: that is your choice, the consequences are not your mother's fault.

I really hope you can organise some family counselling, and if you're going to suggest anything to your mother - don't make it that she eats right and exercises because by the sounds of it, she has 0% reason to for herself right now and probably has NO self-esteem or self-worth. She needs psychiatric help, and for the moment I think that's all you should offer her. And if she's not willing to change, then you need to remove yourself.

Good luck.

BeautyFromPain

To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.

jazzalea

wow .... just wow..... how many people have been scared away from AA, or the church or their own family because they couldn't face the same guilt and shame that you just dumped on a whole lot of people!....

I'm sorry that you're suffering.... but to make people who are here and trying their best feel even WORSE about something that for MOST people is beyond their control is just unforgivable.......

thankfully I had someone to SUPPORT me through my own RECOVERY and was able to make the changes I needed to gain control of my life.... as useless as I felt at the beginning of my journey.... that post would have probably sent me even deeper into shame and feelings of worthlessness....

you've managed to make ME feel dirty and that's just not cool

BeautyFromPain

sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist

Do you think that has never been raised? Really?

She will have none of it. She will eat herself to death. If I had to place a bet, she will hit 300 lbs by 2013, and probably also have succeeded in killing herself by then.

Call me crazy, but I'd actually prefer that my mother live. She's had 3 strokes, she's pre diabetic, has high blood pressure, terrible arthritis, sleep apnea. But if you asked her, she would say that she has no health problems as most are controlled by meds.

But you're right, of course. Morbidly obese people shouldn't ever consider that they are stressing their loved ones to the breaking point every single day. Silly me. We should just ignore the morbidly obese people in our lives, as that is clearly more comfortable for everyone. Thank you for your sage advice. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that earlier!

Have you tried talking to her about WHY she is eating?
Try to have a chat with her about why she is overeating.. the thing she is missing out on in her life to make her feel the need to void this hole.

careyannal

Rude.

You don't need to tell an overweight person that they're overweight. They know.

You don't need to tell an overweight person that its impacting their health. They feel it everyday.

126siany

sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist

Do you think that has never been raised? Really?

She will have none of it. She will eat herself to death. If I had to place a bet, she will hit 300 lbs by 2013, and probably also have succeeded in killing herself by then.

Call me crazy, but I'd actually prefer that my mother live. She's had 3 strokes, she's pre diabetic, has high blood pressure, terrible arthritis, sleep apnea. But if you asked her, she would say that she has no health problems as most are controlled by meds.

But you're right, of course. Morbidly obese people shouldn't ever consider that they are stressing their loved ones to the breaking point every single day. Silly me. We should just ignore the morbidly obese people in our lives, as that is clearly more comfortable for everyone. Thank you for your sage advice. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that earlier!

Have you tried talking to her about WHY she is eating?
Try to have a chat with her about why she is overeating.. the thing she is missing out on in her life to make her feel the need to void this hole.

Yes. All of this has been tried.

Keep in mind that her idea of "therapy" is based in the 50s. She was FORCED into it then, as a teen, and she is determined to never go back. Let's put it this way: If her choices were to watch one of her children be disemboweled on live telecast or go to one talk therapy session, she would ask for popcorn and extra butter.

funsiiz

sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist

I agree..loved ones who have family members that are addicts often attend Al-anon to learn how to cope..........and learn how to handle your distress in this situation...You are obviously hurting....good luck to you

BeautyFromPain

sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist

Do you think that has never been raised? Really?

She will have none of it. She will eat herself to death. If I had to place a bet, she will hit 300 lbs by 2013, and probably also have succeeded in killing herself by then.

Call me crazy, but I'd actually prefer that my mother live. She's had 3 strokes, she's pre diabetic, has high blood pressure, terrible arthritis, sleep apnea. But if you asked her, she would say that she has no health problems as most are controlled by meds.

But you're right, of course. Morbidly obese people shouldn't ever consider that they are stressing their loved ones to the breaking point every single day. Silly me. We should just ignore the morbidly obese people in our lives, as that is clearly more comfortable for everyone. Thank you for your sage advice. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that earlier!

Have you tried talking to her about WHY she is eating?
Try to have a chat with her about why she is overeating.. the thing she is missing out on in her life to make her feel the need to void this hole.

Yes. All of this has been tried.

Keep in mind that her idea of "therapy" is based in the 50s. She was FORCED into it then, as a teen, and she is determined to never go back. Let's put it this way: If her choices were to watch one of her children be disemboweled on live telecast or go to one talk therapy session, she would ask for popcorn and extra butter.

Look, what do you want from us? Sympathy?
You posted this on here and we gave you advice, trying to help. All you are doing is throwing it back in our face and being rude.

20tulipgirl20

To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.

Ya said it perfectly!

126siany

sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist

Do you think that has never been raised? Really?

She will have none of it. She will eat herself to death. If I had to place a bet, she will hit 300 lbs by 2013, and probably also have succeeded in killing herself by then.

Call me crazy, but I'd actually prefer that my mother live. She's had 3 strokes, she's pre diabetic, has high blood pressure, terrible arthritis, sleep apnea. But if you asked her, she would say that she has no health problems as most are controlled by meds.

But you're right, of course. Morbidly obese people shouldn't ever consider that they are stressing their loved ones to the breaking point every single day. Silly me. We should just ignore the morbidly obese people in our lives, as that is clearly more comfortable for everyone. Thank you for your sage advice. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that earlier!

Have you tried talking to her about WHY she is eating?
Try to have a chat with her about why she is overeating.. the thing she is missing out on in her life to make her feel the need to void this hole.

Yes. All of this has been tried.

Keep in mind that her idea of "therapy" is based in the 50s. She was FORCED into it then, as a teen, and she is determined to never go back. Let's put it this way: If her choices were to watch one of her children be disemboweled on live telecast or go to one talk therapy session, she would ask for popcorn and extra butter.

Look, what do you want from us? Sympathy?
You posted this on here and we gave you advice, trying to help. All you are doing is throwing it back in our face and being rude.

I can see why you would say that.

But I sincerely doubt that I am the ONLY person here who loves someone who is eating themselves to death and doesn't or can't understand the incredible stress they are creating for those who love them.

126siany

And, while everyone wants to *kitten* all over me, how many introductions here have ever mentioned the fact that their families are in crisis over the person's weight? ANY OF THEM? .00000000001%?

You all go on pretending that it affects no one but yourself. Doesn't make it true. If even ONE person in your life loves you, you are stressing them out by trying to kill yourself every day.

126siany

Tell me, how is this different? I really don't think it is. In all honesty, that is how I regard her. She knows that her behavior is killing her, ruining every aspect of her life, yet is powerless to stop it. The named poison is irrelevant the model is the same. And yes it's textbook case for raising codependents. Difference is that I am aware of that and she has no clue

My point is, that it isn't different. It's exactly the same, and I'm telling you what I would tell the child of an alcoholic. GET HELP. If you're aware you're co-dependent but doing nothing about it, it's like being aware you're obese and doing nothing. You cannot change her. You cannot control her. All you can control is your emotional response to her behavior. In fact, she may be doing it to subconsciously feed off that emotional response, and your getting therapy to learn how to quit feeding it might be the only way to help her.

I actually don't disagree with you. It is TEXTBOOK co-dependency. But letting her die or become a ward of the state isn't really an option.

So, as she can not be declared mentally incompetent and is totally against any sort of therapy, what do you suggest, oh wise one?

BeautyFromPain

And, while everyone wants to *kitten* all over me, how many introductions here have ever mentioned the fact that their families are in crisis over the person's weight? ANY OF THEM? .00000000001%?

You all go on pretending that it affects no one but yourself. Doesn't make it true. If even ONE person in your life loves you, you are stressing them out by trying to kill yourself every day.

Look, can you stop with comparing obesity to suicide... ?
they are 2 completely different things..

CincinnatiDEIFan

If ***MY*** life and ***MY*** decisions are stressing someone else out .... that is ***NOT*** my fault. They need to grow up and deal with the fact it is ***MY*** life to do as I so chose.

And as I type that...it is hard because I KNOW if I could see my dad RIGHT NOW...he is sitting in front of his tv (he can't walk or use his left arm anymore) smoking what is probably a cig from his at least second pack today.

I learned it is HIS LIFE, not mine. If he wants to keel over dead with a cig in his mouth, that is a decision HE and HE alone made.

morticiamom

You say recommending that you get help is sh*tting all over you, and that we, (here, on this site! )haven't admitted that our weight is a problem for our families, but still can't see that you need to get help?

CincinnatiDEIFan

I suggest ***YOU*** go the therapy YOURSELF. To learn her life is NOT up to you. She is your mother not your young child that you have any say over.

BeautyFromPain

If ***MY*** life and ***MY*** decisions are stressing someone else out .... that is ***NOT*** my fault. They need to grow up and deal with the fact it is ***MY*** life to do as I so chose.

This.

soleilxo

wowwww im really sorry for a few of these rude and pointless responses.

I am trying to put myself in your situation and I am imaging it would be horrible, but I am sure it is nothing close to what you feel. to experience someone you love slowly kill themselves, and the fact that that person does NOT see the impact that it has on you:( i dont know exactly what else i could say other than to just distance yourself slowly. your mom seems like someone who hates themselves/hates their life, and they take no value in their life. it seems like she just gave up and does not care. there is always hope maybe try to get closer to her? try to get deep inside her thoughts as to why she is so stubborn about this. I have no idea if I was any help probably not but i wish you the best and hope that you or she both get better.