So much doom and gloom
EdTheGinge
Posts: 1,616 Member
in Chit-Chat
Anybody got any jokes to share or funny stories
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Replies
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A three legged dogs walks into an old west saloon proclaiming "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".0
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(duplicate post)0
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That's awful, so bad it did get a little laugh0
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Okay, we'll try again.
Did you hear about the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison. The news is saying there's a small medium at large.0 -
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrrghhh0 -
Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"0
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Okay, we'll try again.
Did you hear about the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison. The news is saying there's a small medium at large.
That was painful0 -
A fly hits the windscreen of your car, what's the last thing that goes through his mind?
His bum
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You all are a tough crowd...and my jokes suck.
A father rabbit decides it's time to teach his son about procreation. He brings his son to an open field, whistles, and all the female rabbits line up. He mounts them one by one saying "thank you ma'am, thank you ma'ma, thank you ma'am" as he goes down the line. The son asks for his turn and gives a whistle. He to works down the line "thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, oops sorry dad..."0 -
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.0 -
OK a Seattle Joke.
I-5 walks into a bar and says "I'm the biggest baddest Highway in the west, I strech from Mexico to Canada, nobody messes with me". I-405 walks in - spots I-5 and hides in the corner. A long stringy grassy bit of road comes in and I-5 hids in the corner. The bartender says "I thought you were the biggest baddest highway in the west?". I-5 replies "Thats the Burke-Gilman trail, he's a frickin' cycle path".0 -
bump0
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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
bwahhahahahaha0 -
I'm a dyslexic, insomniac agnostic. I lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.0
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They're all quite dodgy aren't they, although Lac I thought that was quite good. How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts 'with jammin' - classic0
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OK a Seattle Joke.
I-5 walks into a bar and says "I'm the biggest baddest Highway in the west, I strech from Mexico to Canada, nobody messes with me". I-405 walks in - spots I-5 and hides in the corner. A long stringy grassy bit of road comes in and I-5 hids in the corner. The bartender says "I thought you were the biggest baddest highway in the west?". I-5 replies "Thats the Burke-Gilman trail, he's a frickin' cycle path".
Nice!0 -
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
Funny0 -
A widowed farmer places a personal ad in the local paper: "Single farmer, age 50, looking for sturdy woman and tractor. If interested, send picture of tractor."0
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What cheese do you use to change the identity of a horse????
Mask a pony. (Mascarpone)0 -
Ooh, another one:
How are a tornado in Oklahoma and a divorce in Alabama related? Either way, someone is losing a trailer.0 -
What cheese do you use to change the identity of a horse????
Mask a pony. (Mascarpone)
Love it !!!0 -
A gorilla escaped from the local zoo and had climbed up a tree and would not comedown. The local police found him there and called the zoo keeper to come get him. When he showed up , he brought with him a bulldog, a pair of handcuffs and a shot gun.
"Whats with all the stuff you brought?" "Well, said the zoo keeper," I'M gonna climb the tree, push the gorilla out of the tree,the bulldog will snag his balls and you slap the hand cuffs on him." The policeman pawned, "Now lets see if I understand this correctly. you are gonna climb the tree,push the gorilla out of the tree, the bulldog will grab his balls and I slip the hand cuffs on. Is that right?" "Yes" replied the zoo keeper," There must be no mistake." "Ok" said the policeman,"So...what's the shot gun for?"
The zoo keeper replied "Well, when I climb the tree and it so happens the gorilla pushes ME out of the tree,you better shoot that damn bulldog!":laugh: :noway: :ohwell:0 -
The lady next door came to my door asking if I knew anything about her washing missing from her clothes line.
I almost s**t her pants!0 -
Okay, we'll try again.
Did you hear about the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison. The news is saying there's a small medium at large.
Hahahahahaha0 -
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese0
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2 sausages in a frying pan. one sausage says to the other 'jesus its hot in here isnt it?' the other turns and says 'Oh My God a taking sausage!!!! hahahaahahahahahaahahahah:laugh:0
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What do you call a cow that's given birth? Decalfinated.0
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Did you hear about the prawn that went to a nightclub? He pulled a mussel.0
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Haha, so simple0
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