These Times Are Hard

ecmcnamee

Where to start ... I honestly don't know because I am in the midst of so many things that I feel like I have absolutely no control over. Family, life, kids, work .. for whatever reason I feel as if power has slowly been taken away from me and I don't know how to get it back. What happened to me? What happened to that strong, I can do anything chick who used to bust *kitten*? I wish I knew.
I used to pop out of bed at 5 a.m. every morning and hit the elliptical for an hour, or work out with that ***** Jillian Michaels or most recently last year lift heavy and on the rare occasion that I had a couple of hours (cuz I'm slow) I'd get out on my bike and ride until my legs just couldn't take anymore.
I'm not that girl right now ... I've spent the last 2 weeks crying almost non-stop. I've barely slept, I haven't eaten and I'm pretty much just doing the things I need to do to get me through the day and get me back to the one place I feel safe ... my bed with the door to my room closed. I can let it all out there. My marriage (16 years this coming Friday) pretty much ended a couple of weeks ago and while this is a good thing I suppose I'm still grieving. On top of that, one of my best friends had to leave my life for their own personal reasons. I am reeling from loss.
But it started before all this ... somewhere over the past year I gave up on myself and when that happened, words that were said to me on the floor of my North Andover, MA condo came right back like they were being said right then. "You aren't worth it, you'll never be worth it." That was 23 years ago ... clearly I never dealt with that being said to me. I am a pro at pushing my feelings down ... way down and pretending that everything is ok. But isn't that what we all do? I mean ... I see so many happy people on Facebook but if you every really get a chance to talk to these people, you find out that it's all just a facade. I think therein lies some of my problems ... with all the social media out there, and yeah I'm on some of it ... Facebook, Twitter, G+ ... it feels like your constantly bombarded with everyone's achievements which, let's face it, is tough to handle if you're not doing so hot. But I find those places to be like a car wreck ... I can't look away ... I don't want to look away. Maybe it's some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy as to why I go there. See ... their lives are perfect yours is not. Good ... carry on, go back to beating the **** out of yourself.
If one more person tells me that I’m strong I think I might scream. Strong people don’t cry when they watch baseball or see a fire station because of all the memories. Strong people don’t cry every morning on the way to work and have to close their office door because they are losing it. Strong people don’t fall apart … I am falling apart.
I've never had a good relationship with food ... but after I moved back from Boston it just became worse. I used it to comfort me ... to stay fat because then well ... I wouldn't be worth it because really, who wants a fat chick? If you're fat it means you don't care about yourself, you're lazy, stupid, sloppy, smelly and unattractive. You've probably also seen the way that fat-hate rears its ugly head. But that was good right? Because if I was fat, then I definitely wasn't worth IT. Whatever the **** IT was.
Somehow I have to find a way to love myself because if I'm being really honest here, and I'm trying to be, it's been a long time since that's happened. Right now ... that's a hard thing for me to even fathom because I feel like I have failed at so many aspects of my life. I'm not being dramatic here ... I'd like to think of myself as a fairly drama free person. I honestly don't know where to start. There's a lot of things happening in my life now that I don't understand. Maybe I'm not meant to understand them but it's ****ing maddening. I think I have to try and let go of things that I have no control of and try and focus on stuff that I can control. Working out and eating right are a couple of those things. I am not going to promise myself that I’m starting this right away but I am thinking about it. I miss working out, I miss feeling good but right now I don’t know if I’m ready. Somehow I need to heal myself … I am trying to let myself feel … I mean really feel things because I’ve spent so many years pushing my feelings down and putting others before me. I’m listening to a lot of Mumford & Sons (their new album is amazing) and I just found These Times by Safetysuit.
These times will try hard to define me
And I'll try to hold my head up high
But I've seen despair here from the inside
And it's got a one track mind
And I have this feeling in my gut now
And I don't know what it is I'll find
Does anybody ever feel like, You're always one step behind?

Now I'm sitting alone here in my bed
I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror
I'm failing
I'm telling you these times are hard

And I know there's someone out there somewhere
Who has it much worse than I do
But I have a dream inside, a perfect life
I'd give anything just to work
It's like I'm only trynna dig my way out
Of all these thing I can't

And I am Sitting alone here in my bed
I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror
I'm failing
I'm telling you these times are hard
But they will pass,
They will pass
They will pass
These times are hard
These times will try hard to define me
But I will hold my head up high

Sitting alone here in my bed
I'm waitng for an answer I don't know that I'll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror
I'm failing
I'm telling you these times are hard
But they will pass

And I know there's a reason
I just keep hoping it wont be long til I see it
And maybe if we throw up our hands and believe it!
I'm telling you these times are hard
But they will pass
They will pass
They will pass
These times are hard
But they will pass

EnchantedEvening

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I would recommend seeing a counselor. Going through a divorce is hard enough, but it sounds like you've had a rough year or two on top of that. Even strong people crack once in a while, and that's okay. That's what counselors are for.

Does your job or insurance offer any kind of discount/coverage for therapy? We have a wellness program at work that will set us up with a therapist, based on the specific issue, and the first six appointments are free. Could you check with HR or your insurance company? Maybe your PCP can make a referral?

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

wow... I NEVER read long messages on the boards, but this one, for some reason I felt compelled to. It felt similar. Recently, I was under the impression my (much shorter) marriage (of 3 years in 2 weeks) was over. It was a slap in the face and total surprise, so I did not eat. I did not sleep. I felt like no one understood and didn't want to be told what I was doing to myself was wrong. Did they really think I was so stupid I didn't know? Didn't feel it as it was making me physically ill? I felt lost and alone. I felt like no one could understand or relate... I have nothing to add to this or any advice to give, but can tell you I was there. It wasn't fun. It hurt like Hell and I couldn't deal, couldn't eat, sleep or think. All I could do was cry and wanted to scream and puke and always did what I had to to get to my safety place - the couch at home. I hope things get better for you soon!

Terree83

I honestly hate to hear that you're going through such a rough time. Life is tough.. and it gets in the way of so many things. I know what it's like to go through periods like that.. when everything is crashing down on you at once, and you can't even begin to make your way out of it. It sucks... it hurts.. and it feel like it's never going to end.. but it does.

Don't say that you're not strong because you cry and have allowed yourself to fall apart... everyone loses their **** now and then. After everything you've been through lately, I would look at your kind of funny if you didn't break down. The important thing is that you are at a place where you want things to get better.. you want the "old you" back.. you want to start working out and being healthy again.. and it sounds like you're willing to do whatever you can to get back to being happy. Weak people give up.. weak people blame others for their problems and refuse to do anything to try and help themselves.. doesn't exactly sound like you're a weak person.

Take things one day at a time.. and if you feel like you're a step behind, you will slowly catch up. You don't want to start right away? Don't.. think about it.. figure out a few small goals that you want to accomplish and work towards them when you're ready.. whether it's working out or on a more personal level.

Feel free to friend me.. and I sincerely hope things start to turn around for you!

_SusieQ_

Oh Beth I'm so sorry. I've noticed a change, but just wasn't sure what to say or what was going on. I have to agree with a couple of the posters, I think you should look into some kind of counseling. If nothing else it will give you an outlet other than sitting in your room.

Reaching out here is a start. It shows you aren't ready to give up, even if those are the words that come to mind. If you were really ready to be done, you wouldn't have taken the time to talk about it.

Take some time for you. I see all you do for other people and it's no wonder you are stressed out Love.

<<<hugs>>>

Crystal_Pistol

I'm PMing you.

Koldnomore

There comes a time in your life when you just have to say **** IT, truly... **** THEM, HIM, HER..whoever. I know it sucks. I know you don't believe that it will ever get better but it does. It won't be the same but it WILL get better.

My marriage ended with "I NEVER loved you" after 10 years together. That's a kick in the face let me say. But after that I decided that I wasn't going to live my life for anyone but me. I said **** it... I dressed how I wanted, lived how I wanted, ate what I wanted and yeah I decided that he wasn't worth it. No one can make you feel like **** - until you give them that power over you. Take it back!

It's hard to get back to who you are after having been who someone else wanted you to be for so long, wife, mom, friend.. Your whole life has been trying to prove how 'good' you are. You know though..YOU ARE AWESOME and you don't have to ever PROVE it to anyone because those who will take the time to meet YOU will know instantly. So, Stop giving a ****e about what other people say, do, act, wear. Just be YOU, find out who YOU really is. What do you like, how do you feel, what you want in life.

Talking it out helps. Seek help if you need it. I wish you the best in your journey to yourself *hugs*

CooperSprings

Whether this is weakness or not that you are experiencing, you're allowed your time to have it. Know when you need to stop. Give yourself a couple more weeks and buck up. Tell yourself that enough is enough. Life goes on. Nothing changes when you do nothing. Find a focus or a goal, once you're done with your time of despair, and work on it. It hurts but this is your life and this is what it has led to. Time will change it, but not if you stick yourself in a hole.

I agree with counseling, as well. I am basing everything off of years of my own experience with counselors and just putting it in short and notsosweet sentences. Reality shouldn't be real.

...

I'm sorry for your pain. I know what you feel, as do many others. You will be okay as long as you let yourself be.

KellyBurton1

Oh Beth, my heart truly aches for you! I wish I could give you a huge hug! Life can be cruel and hard at times but we need to still keep going and thats the hardest part!
I will be thinking about you and I will be here for you anytime!

KrazyAsianNic

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. Everyone goes through their rough times. I just attended the third funeral in about 2 months time. Sometimes we need to have the hard times to push ourselves forward and keep moving.

It's okay to grieve. It's okay to cry. Let it all out. But remember that there are other people out there who need you, like your family and kids. Don't forget them! When you feel the time is ready, start getting back on your own feet and pulling yourself together.

I got so sad over the summer, I went into a depression. I knew I needed to do something when my sister got mad at me because I didn't go to her parade. I just "wasn't in the mood, and tired".

Things will get better. Feel free to add me if you need some support. I love trying to make people feel better!

P.S. "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans is a song that helps push me through my bad times.

Overboard_Eater

Sounds like you are in a deep depression. Your emotional self is in critical condition and needs immediate attention. What would you do for someone you knew who was suffering so much. Treat yourself like you would that person.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

Your ability to accurately judge yourself has been comprised. Don't trust your negative thoughts about yourself at this time.

I know I am a strong person because I have overcome many difficult situation in my life, but I also do all those things you said strong people don't do. Your malfunctioning brain is telling you those things. Don't listen!

Seek help from someone you can trust. Go for walks. The longer the better. Laugh, watch the movies/ tv or book that has always made you laugh. Look at pictures of your children. You are important to them, even if your mind is telling you that you aren't. TAKE action for them.

I don't know you but I know you can do this. You haven't given up yet and you sent out a message in a bottle. The MFP community will respond. Listen to them and not your own negatives thoughts (Remember, they are currently malfunctioning!!)

YOU BRAIN IN NOT TO BE TRUSTED! Get out of bed and go for a walk. Inside you is a spark of life. The fresh air will give it the oxygen it needs to turn into an inferno. Then the world will watch your come back! I have faith in you!!

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

MommaMeatus

People are strong, not because they don't fall apart but because they do and get back up again! Take stock of your strength and struggle and be amazed at you conquering it! Dig your heels in, and GET UP! You ARE worth it, no one else can take that from you, if you don't let them!

wheezymc

No one deserves all the crap you've been through. So much pain and loss. My heart breaks for you. Thank you so much for your honesty. This must have been hard to write and I'm glad you got it out. I know you are always cheering for and supporting friends and strangers alike. I hope you will let other people be there for you. As always, love and adore you.