dinner at the in-laws...

PammyB3130

every thursday night my husband and I take our girls over to his mother's house for dinner. all of my husband's brothers and sisters are all there with their kids too. so it's just kind of a way that we all keep in touch and let the kids play and stuff. I really love this time that I get to spend with family, but my mother-in-law is just too good of a cook!!! She always loves to try new recipes and there's always a huge meal and a sinful dessert!! They are really supportive of me trying to lose weight and they are all excited about how much progress i've made. But I can't seem to get her to understand how hard these thursday night dinners are for me. the last few weeks we get there and there's all kinds of snacks sitting out for everyone to munch on. then she makes a ton of food (ususally a main dish, two or three different side dishes, salad and HOMEMADE bread). then about an hour after dinner she breaks out the desert which is usually some wonderful pie/cookie/brownie/ice cream creation. as much as I try, I just can't resist dessert over there!!!

I started out saying that thursday nights would be my "free" night and I just wouldn't worry about it and just try to eat smart, but indulge a little. but I feel so guilty doing this!!! I even try to get in an extra workout on thursdays to balance things out, but still I feel guilty for not eating the healthy small portion I should be having.

I just got an email from her saying that tonight we are having Spaghetti and Meatballs, Homemade Bread and Peanut Butter Cream Pie for dessert! I've already had spaghetti once this week, but I don't want to be picky and cause problems by always requesting a special menu.

my mom suggested I bring a healthy choice boxed dinner and make that for myself and then she might get the picture, but I just can't get myself to eat something like that while everyone else is chowing down on the good food!!! maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough around her to actually tell her how I'm feeling!!!

ugh!!!

~Pam

PammyB3130

every thursday night my husband and I take our girls over to his mother's house for dinner. all of my husband's brothers and sisters are all there with their kids too. so it's just kind of a way that we all keep in touch and let the kids play and stuff. I really love this time that I get to spend with family, but my mother-in-law is just too good of a cook!!! She always loves to try new recipes and there's always a huge meal and a sinful dessert!! They are really supportive of me trying to lose weight and they are all excited about how much progress i've made. But I can't seem to get her to understand how hard these thursday night dinners are for me. the last few weeks we get there and there's all kinds of snacks sitting out for everyone to munch on. then she makes a ton of food (ususally a main dish, two or three different side dishes, salad and HOMEMADE bread). then about an hour after dinner she breaks out the desert which is usually some wonderful pie/cookie/brownie/ice cream creation. as much as I try, I just can't resist dessert over there!!!

I started out saying that thursday nights would be my "free" night and I just wouldn't worry about it and just try to eat smart, but indulge a little. but I feel so guilty doing this!!! I even try to get in an extra workout on thursdays to balance things out, but still I feel guilty for not eating the healthy small portion I should be having.

I just got an email from her saying that tonight we are having Spaghetti and Meatballs, Homemade Bread and Peanut Butter Cream Pie for dessert! I've already had spaghetti once this week, but I don't want to be picky and cause problems by always requesting a special menu.

my mom suggested I bring a healthy choice boxed dinner and make that for myself and then she might get the picture, but I just can't get myself to eat something like that while everyone else is chowing down on the good food!!! maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough around her to actually tell her how I'm feeling!!!

ugh!!!

~Pam

crystalicfusion

I sorry that you have to go through this.

I guess I'm lucky, well in the sense that I'm a very picky eater and everyone knows it. So when I say I'm sorry I don't care to eat that, and I bring different food...no one even notices.

I hope that you can be that comfortable around your MIL someday. :flowerforyou:

Hugs
Crystal

peej76

We have this problem too! Every Sunday night my siblings, their kids and us go to my parents for supper. My mom always makes enough for a small army, where at my house I'll make just enough for one helping. So my goal this weekend is to eat small portions and immediatley get away from the table, and go play with the kids for a bit until everyone else is done eating. Then I think I'll clear the table off and start the dishes hopefully this will stop me from over doing it!! ( I hope) It's so hard when your the only one in the family trying to make adjustments, but now that I'm all for the change there's no way I'm going to let anyone sabotage all my efforts!

age1389

I say indulge it's only one day. Don't feel guilty again it's only one day. The rest of the week you do fine. Enjoy your time there don't make it something you dread. Try a little of everything and then get up from the table or always have a tall glass of water in front of you and when you want to grab more grab the water instead.

Again.... Enjoy it!!:happy:

conniestar

I think the biggest challege for me would be portion control. I have found that it is not so much WHAT I eat, but the quantity I eat that causes me to feel guilty and miserable - and of course gain weight. Eat if you are hungry, stop when you are full. You can even enjoy a couple bites of dessert (just dont overdo it!).

Enjoy the time you have with your family. Don't make it about the food - it's about building relationships with everyone. It sounds like a great tradition - how awesome for your kids to get to know their aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents...

catlover

I've read a ton of posts about buffets and cocktail parties and birthday cake woes and office goodies and tons of other social situations that sabatoge our efforts. It's always been easy to say, "Just drink water before you go" or "don't eat while you're there" or "take a snack." What a delimma. My heart goes out to you.

Now, for my real thoughts on the topic: :laugh: I would disagree that your inlaws are offering support and then setting you up for failure by preparing dinners of this type. Everyone in the world can probably stand to eat healthier, and that includes mother in laws. Can you spell sabatage???? Also, this seems to be a case of you having to take control, like it or not, of YOUR eating and not use it as an excuse to overeat. And, I looked at your profile and you are losing weight, even with these high calorie meals and it seems like you are doing what you can to counteract them. Kudos to you for all of the good choices you make during the week.

I can make a bunch of suggestions, like send your mother in law some new trecipe to try that is low calorie or low fat and ask her to try them. We did that in our family with vegetarian dishes to try to add variety for the kids, one vegetarian meal a week. I understand the importance of this family bonding time and want to share one little story. I worked as a teacher for Head Start and for almost two years this little boy would stop at McDonald's with his grandpa on the way to school, so he wouldn't eat at school. I whined at the grandpa everyday for the entire almost two years and he said he was going to do it anyway, so I had to change my opinions on it. One day the grandpa came to school and said he was diagnosed with cancer on the Monday before, like the day before school. He died two weeks later. You bet that after that experience I changed the way I approached this topic. Years later, Spencer still talks about the lunches he had with Grandpa.

If you've only been at this for a couple of months, you may find that you are weak right now, however as you see more progress, you may find strength you did not think you had. What was once delicious looking may one day be revolting. Hang in there and keep talking with your mother in law and do see about offering some alternative meal choices. Maybe each sibling could take a turn offering an idea. I know my mom always asks what we want when we go to visit and if it's meatloaf and saurkraut cake, that's what we get. The guilt you are feeling may actually be your inner strength saying, "hey, what are you doing, don't eat that." And you know what they say about the voice of God....He doesn't shout from the rooftops, you have to be still and quiet and He'll whisper to you.

banks1850

Yep, it's the same all over. My mother is the same way when I go over. Luckily, I'm pretty brutal with her, and I tell her (she's a tough ole broad) if she isn't going to offer something at least partially healthy, I either won't go, or I'll bring something for my own dinner(which would deeply offend her italianness). I say it half jokingly, but she get's the picture. Now, I realize this isn't an option for many, so I say, eat before you go, eat a good solid healthy meal. Also, do what my wife does, offer to make the salad. That way you can make sure it has all kinds of good stuff in it. While everyone else is eating their pasta, at least you will have something to munch on. also I usually request that there is at least 1 healthy snack. I mean, is it really that hard to put out some carrots, broccoli and hummos? If someone is offended by any of these things, well...tough luck for them. I mean, isn't it offensive to you that they don't think enough of you to put out some healthy choices? Be strong! :happy:

jill5677

Wow. That IS quite the ordeal. If it was once a month, it would probably be fine, but once a week! Wow. That's tough!!!

I agree that you should perhaps try to bring your own food. It will be hard, but at least you can eat with everyone. Bring a main dish that is a low cal protein (pork chops or fish or even chicken) and lots of veggies and low cal snacks.

I also think that maybe you could ask your mother in law to try low-cal recipes, but again, that depends on your relationship with her. Also, often people think that eating healthy doesn't taste good, but I tend to disagree. I often find healthy food to be just as good if not better, when prepared correctly.

I don't envy you.

Good luck!

Cherylann402

The only suggestions I have is to make up your mind that you are only going to have 1 helping of food, I slice of bread, and 1 SMALL serving of dessert. Eat slowly, enjoy the conversation, enjoy being with family and don't focus on the food so much. After you've eaten your 1 helping, get up from the table and put your plate in the sink. You can come back to the table to visit while others are finishing eating, but if you sit there with an empty plate, you will be more tempted to fill it again. If you don't over indulge, you don't have to feel guilty! No food is bad or forbidden, it's just portion control, portion control, portion control. Even Bob from "The Biggest Loser" says, that if you've been good all week with your diet and exercise, then you can treat yourself to ONE dessert, but only ONE! So go.... and have FUN!!!!

hmmmm

I would also suggest that you should bring something for everyone that you can fill up on and is healthy. Even if it is a tray of veggies for appetizer, a salad, a really delicious veggie side dish or a dessert. At least then you will look like a hospitable guest and you can portion everything else smaller and fill up on what you brought. Maybe you should suggest pot lucks and this would take burden off the in laws and everyone can make a different dish. Also if you have ever tried shirataki spaghetti and you like it you can bring that instead of pasta for yourself. it is so much lower in calories than regular pasta and takes a second to prepare, you can rinse it off at home and stick it in a ziploc and then just pour hot pasta sauce on top Good luck

pam0206

We do this type of gathering on Friday nights at my mom's and at my mother-in-law's on Sunday. For me, it's about portion control. I'm definitely not going to miss the family either night......GL it's not an easy thing.

I was offered a piece of cake at my MIL's a couple of weeks ago and I politely declined. She said, "You don't feel like having to run it off, do you?" You know what? She was exactly right!

PammyB3130

Well thank you all for the advice and support!! I'm back at home now and the damage is done!!

so I walk into the kitchen and there's a bowl of mini cadbury eggs on the counter!! that is my absolutely favorite candy!!!! for years (before coming to MFP and probably the reason for me being so overweight) I would always stock up on this candy at easter time cuz that's the only time it's in stores and then I would have them to eat all year long...but I hadn't had them in a year, so of course I had a couple and then asked my MIL to please put them away....(I said it jokingly but she did it!! YAY!!!!)

they also had oranges and pineapple sliced up to snack on....so that was pretty good....

For dinner I did stop myself at one serving of spaghetti which I ate extremely slow. drinking a huge glass of water throughout the dinner. plus I had my baby next to me and I had to keep stopping to feed her. I did have two pieces of bread though...bread is such a weakness for me...

then about an hour later she came out with the peanut butter pie. I had to have a slice...it just looked too good!!

so I just got home a little while ago and was just about dying to log on here and add up the calories.... I had about 1200 calories saved up so I figured I would be ok to indulge a little....I couldn't believe it when I looked up the pie!!!!! 528 calories for one slice!!!!!!

so after adding it all up I still have 101 calories left!!! so I guess I shouldn't feel guilty, but I will try to do better next time. I think I will try to look up some low-cal recipes and maybe send one to my MIL on monday or something so she has time to plan for it if she wants to..... I don't know why I'm scared to ask her....I'm sure she'd be ok with it....maybe she'd be ok with substituting some ingredients with lower calorie stuff....

anyway....thanks for all the advice and for letting me vent a little!!!!

~Pam

catlover

PEANUT BUTTER PIE AND YOU HAVE 100 CALORIES LEFT....OMGosh.....I love peanut butter pie. This is a delimma for you and one I do not envy you having to deal with. Good job though if you can have your pie and stay in the limits.

I occassionally watch Dr Phil and he always says people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you continue to eat the fattening meals she prepares, she'll think it's no big deal and continue making and continue expecting that you will eat and enjoy them, which is great if you really do enjoy, which I sense you do not do, not if you feel guilty. Trust me when I say, this issue will continue to grow as long as you allow it to and you may someday end up resenting her or the time together. Please talk to your husband or your siblings and see if you can get a little back up to talk to her; try to get a little support on that end.

jojom

If you really want to be successful in losing weight you have to sort out a permanent solution - which isn't to indulge yourself for one day. If you do that it is more difficult to get back on track the next day too. You simply should explain to her that you want to lose weight and that means that you can't eat the food she is giving you. Take your own food (you know what is in it then!!) and if necessary for your wellbeing, eat it in another room while they are pigging out on their fatty rubbish.

I find that some people always try to sabotage what you are doing (either on purpose or don't realise it). YOU know what you want to achieve - don't let ANYONE get in your way. Good luck!

pam0206

Pam-I think you did a great job! Look at your diary. You had 100 cals left over and you still got to enjoy a meal with your family. If I walked into my in-laws carrying a lean cuisine to eat in the other room, they would look at me like I have two heads! Realistically, you go to a family gathering to be with family, not to eat in the other room. For me, this plan is all about moderation. Eating like that on some days keeps me going, knowing that I still can enjoy all foods in moderation. For me, if I am too strict in my thinking, I will not stick with the plan.

Ok. Well, I'm off to celebrate my sister-in-law's b-day tonight with a spaghetti dinner and German chocolate cake at my mom's. I did my extra exercise today, so I'M READY!!:drinker:

MontanaGirl

Pam - you did awesome!! As was said before you don't go to a family gathering to eat in the other room. Maybe when dessert rolls around you can ask for 1/2 slice? That way you can enjoy it but not have ALL the calories. I don't really think your in-laws are trying to sabotage you. I think that is too harsh of a judgment. I think they just love their kids and spouses and this is one of the ways they show it - by making wonderful meals. It takes a lot of time and thought to do that. You are eating healthier and I think you can make this work - it will be a mental challenge most of all! You did great this time and I bet you will figure out ways to improve as time goes on without alienating anyone and without totally sabatoging yourself. Good job! :bigsmile:

jesusgrl14

Pam, Way to go!! I think what you accomplished should show you that you CAN do it! I love that your MIL put out some fruit and veggies, it says she does care. Only thing I would suggest is to maybe just have a bite of your husband's dessert. I know that sometimes I THINK that I want something sweet and usually if I can just get a bit on my tongue and then WALK AWAY, it'll do!! Maybe have a bite and then find the kids and play until everyone else finishes dessert. You can do it! Good luck! :flowerforyou:

jlohern

I looked at your profile and saw that you have lost 23 pounds so far. That is fantastic! You should be very proud. From what I can gather, you have lost all that weight even with dinner at your in-laws. Apparently, these dinners are not hurting your physical progress. It sounds like more of a psychological impediment.

My advice is to relax! Enjoy your weekly dinners. Try to eat small portions of everything. Although that's easier said than done! If it makes you feel better, fit in some extra workout time beforehand.