Advice to a teen

Lyadeia

I have a beautiful cousin named Josette who, if she were twins, could stand behind me and both be hidden (even though I am only a size 6 or 8 as it is).

I have been posting on Facebook each time I have a success like last week when I lost a couple of pounds on the scale...or when I finished the summer challenge and had lost a great deal of body fat.

Well, I got this disturbing Facebook message from her today, and I am not sure how to proceed with answering her. She said that she "really needs my help" because someone called her fat. And now she believes that it's true and she thinks she's fat. I don't feel right about posting her pictures here, but believe me, there is nothing even remotely close to fat about her!!!

She's only 13 years old. I don't think she's ever been fat. I've seen her eat, and it doesn't seem disordered, but I'm no doctor either.

I honestly don't know how to respond! Even if she was 40 years old I wouldn't be giving her any tips on losing her non-existent fat. She looks so great but has no self-esteem. It makes me want to cry, honestly. I was there when I was her age...but the difference is, when I was 13, I actually was fat. I weighed almost 200 pounds when I was in high school. This child can't possibly weigh more than 110 soaking wet.

What should I tell her, and should I say something to her mom? I was thinking about telling her to do some weight training but making sure she eats plenty of food (so she doesn't actually lose pounds, because I think that possibly what she wants is to firm up???) I just don't feel right about talking to her about food!

ls_66

just talk to her... listen to what she has to say.... re-iterate that she is a beautiful person inside out and kids/teen say ugly things just to hurt others... and there is always jealousy

Trechechus

I used to work with 14-year-olds and I'd say, yes talk to her mom. Her mom will be able to talk to her more closely, and gauge the extent of the problem and whether a doctor needs to be consulted.

Let her (your cousin) know that she is beautiful and help her understand that no matter what she does or how she looks someone will always find something about her to criticize. It will be like that forever, but teenagers are especially good at making their peers feel inferior. At 13, she should be concentrating on school, friends, growing up safely, staying active and having fun. Help her find that one thing about herself that she loves and concentrate on that instead.

Best of luck! I hope things get better!

blasiansrus

just talk to her... listen to what she has to say.... re-iterate that she is a beautiful person inside out and kids/teen say ugly things just to hurt others... and there is always jealousy

^^what he said & probably talk to her mother to make sure she doesn't pick up any bad habits that could lead into disordered eating or anything.

Crochetluvr

Kids say things designed specifically to have the greatest effect....even if its not true. They know calling someone with low self esteem fat will get the result they want. All I can suggest is that she NOT believe what this kid is saying. And tell her things so she knows that she is loved and that there is nothing wrong with her.

Lleldiranne

First off, talk to her before you bring it up with her mom. Right now, you are an adult she feels like she can trust with this. As much as you want her mom to know if there's a problem, you also need to respect her trust (I have a just-turned 14-year old daughter, and I have set her up with a couple of adults that she can talk to if she doesn't want to talk to us, and they know to not come to me unless it is a matter of safety. BTW, talked about that with the pediatrician, who agrees). Ask her if she has mentioned this to her mom, and suggest that mom is the best person to help.

Remind her that kids can be cruel and say mean things. Usually what they say is downright silly, like the comment that she is fat. Let her know she is far from fat. Also that the point is to be healthy, which is why you have been working on all of this. Then listen to her, let her tell you where she thinks needs work. Don't interrupt, just listen. Maybe she has started developing those womanly features and doesn't know what to do with it. Maybe she thinks her belly should be absolutely washboard flat (not necessarily for a woman, there's stuff in there and sometimes it isn't always flat). Maybe she feels bloated right now because of impending ToM (which could be a fairly new experience for her still). When you understand more about her concerns, maybe you can guide her more. Of course, you're not a doctor, but you can remind her what is normal (and that Barbie isn't! or supermodels, etc). You can suggest that she eat lots of fruits and vegetables, a reasonable amount of whole grains, and protein - that's a healthy diet for just about anyone. And again, guide her to talk to her mom, or to her doctor.

crystalflame

I was an anorexic 14-year-old. You see that little bit of jiggle on your stomach, and it's the worst thing in the world, especially when your friends have flat stomachs and smooth thighs. She's headed for trouble if she really thinks she's fat. What you need to tell her is how you successfully became HEALTHY: eating balanced meals and exercising. As a young high school kid, I had no idea about smart eating habits, healthy choices, or portion sizes, so try to teach her that. Exercise is harder - her body is still developing, so she's probably not in a place where she can lift weights. Encourage her toward pilates or dance, or suggest she do some pushups and situps at night to be stronger and toned.

The important part to keep in mind when you say something to her is she most likely knows very little. She hasn't been taught how to keep her body strong and healthy, and that being strong and healthy is a lot more important than being skinny. Also reinforce that you think she's beautiful just the way she is. If you tell her mom, tell her "Hey, she sent me this note, keep an eye on her and encourage her to eat healthy," but only do that if you know her mom won't freak out and drag her to counseling right away for being anorexic. She'll be ok as long as her family loves her and supports her

RealWomenLovePitbulls

talk to her about being healthy, she can eat healthy and get exercise and maintain a healthy weight, let her know she is beautiful and not to worry about what other people say (that person is probably jealous) but there is no reason you cant talk to her about healthy eating and exercise, which is good for you at any weight, just be sure to stress that she needs to make sure she is getting enough food in each day, especially if she begins exercising

Heather_Rider

I have a beautiful cousin named Josette who, if she were twins, could stand behind me and both be hidden (even though I am only a size 6 or 8 as it is).

I have been posting on Facebook each time I have a success like last week when I lost a couple of pounds on the scale...or when I finished the summer challenge and had lost a great deal of body fat.

Well, I got this disturbing Facebook message from her today, and I am not sure how to proceed with answering her. She said that she "really needs my help" because someone called her fat. And now she believes that it's true and she thinks she's fat. I don't feel right about posting her pictures here, but believe me, there is nothing even remotely close to fat about her!!!

She's only 13 years old. I don't think she's ever been fat. I've seen her eat, and it doesn't seem disordered, but I'm no doctor either.

I honestly don't know how to respond! Even if she was 40 years old I wouldn't be giving her any tips on losing her non-existent fat. She looks so great but has no self-esteem. It makes me want to cry, honestly. I was there when I was her age...but the difference is, when I was 13, I actually was fat. I weighed almost 200 pounds when I was in high school. This child can't possibly weigh more than 110 soaking wet.

What should I tell her, and should I say something to her mom? I was thinking about telling her to do some weight training but making sure she eats plenty of food (so she doesn't actually lose pounds, because I think that possibly what she wants is to firm up???) I just don't feel right about talking to her about food!

You should NOT talk to her. Shes a child, and you going through your own battles, could say something, not meaning to.. could damage her for life. Put this into the hands of her parents. She might not understand now, and may never, but you cannot put this responsibility on you.

Talk to her parents. Tell her you are concerned and do not want her feeling this way. then, you need to remove her off facebook. IF she asks you, explain to her that she is a beautiful girl, and you feel you are putting too much impression on her with your weight loss.

Good luck.

Edited to say that there is NOTHING on a slender 13 year old girl that needs to be "firmed up". that is nonsense. Muscles strong for a sport maybe. fat loss for health, deffo! but on a very thin normal 13 year old? "firmed up?" hell no. That is SCREAMING "i want help, please help me i have a body image." Please talk to this childs parents and get her some help.

I watched a child, a friend DIE and it started just this way. THANK YOU for seeing the warning signs. You may have just saved her from a very long, painful death. THANK YOU.

auntiebabs

One thing I have found helpful in combating misperceptions (both others and my own) has been the good old BMI scale.
(While it's not perfect it's a good place to start. And really the only a problem I see is if you're VERY MUSCULAR and your BMI will read higher than healthy... for most of us that's not the issue. If you're reading lower than is healthy odds are pretty good that you're not healthy.)

Mayo clinic website has a great BMI calculators, one for children up to 18 and one for adults.
Different stages of development have different ranges of healthy.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bmi-calculator/NU00597

You can mention that whoever told her she was fat was most likely uninformed and could use a little education.
Start from the premise that "Fat" is not subjective. There are medical guidelines for age, height and weight ratios.

Also we all hear about the dangers of obesity, but we rarely hear that the being under weight can be equally if not more dangerous to your health.


If she is working on toning -up here are body fat guidelines from the WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION... which I trust over the guidelines that trainers use.

urloved33

She is only 13...maybe you want to mention it to her Mom.

1ConcreteGirl

First off, as someone who works with teenagers for my job, realize that their thoughts and opinions on things (especially younger teens') change by the hour.

I am not minimizing your concern or saying that she might not be at risk. It's good that you are protective and you care so much. But also don't overreact based on one FB message.

People are saying talk to her about being healthy, etc., and of course you can do that, but don't make her feel like you're really concerned until you have a reason to be really concerned. Send a reassuring message, then wait a few days and try to talk to her about it again, just let her talk so you can gauge what's really going on.

A lot of young teenagers will say something designed to make people freak out, and a lot of them will say something based on a fleeting sense of "Ugh, I'm so fat!" that they wouldn't have or feel the next day. It's the same "Ugh, I hate my mom!" feeling that they might express, but after a day or two, sheepishly come back and say they didn't mean it.

If you think there is a reason for real concern, then decide what to do from there. But before you start getting too serious with her, and possibly sparking more serious thoughts that she wouldn't have had herself, give her time to chill out, then figure out where she really stands on the issue.

Gongfu_Life

The poor kid's mind has been shaped by all the B.S we adults allow in our lives....We (The Western World) have become the weakest, most impressionable society in history...The good part is it works both ways!

I'm hopeful talking to her about good, healthy bulk foods and exercise will do a lot of good.

She's very fortunate to have you. Good luck.

RunMyOregonBunsOff

I remember that when I was about 7 years old my mom told me that there will always be people saying you're too fat and others saying you're too skinny. She was right! That was a way of putting it that was easy for even a 7 year old to understand and she can understand that too. Tell her that she is perfect just how she is but if she is worried, she could talk to her mom and have her go with her to a doctor or a trainer at a gym that could calculate her body fat and then they could show her just where she is and where she needs to be in order to be healthy. Chances are that she is already well within the healthy range and if she sees it coming from an "expert" then she may take it to heart a little better than if its coming from family.

ckish

Josette is lucky to have you in her life. I have raised 2 thin daughters admidst classmates with eating disorders. Our 1st encounter was a new friend who at 5 years old had already been diagnosed, hospitalized, treated, and recovered all before starting kindergarten. At times my daughters were criticized because they actually ate their lunch instead of surviving on a single cracker and a bottle of water. Luckily I was aware of what was going on and was able to counter the misguided info they were getting at school. One day my daughter asked how many oranges she could eat before she would become fat because somebody told her eating oranges would make her fat. As they aged they also got misinformation about sex and birthcontrol from their peers at school. The only thing that I believe saved my daughters from falling victim to the pressures of their peers was maintaining an open dialog with them and making sure they had access to facts. They learned what nutrients your body needs to function. They learned the consequences of a poor diet in terms they could understand. They learned that they needed to love themselves and not worry so much about how other people judged them. My daughters hate to exercise but they love to play a heated game of volleyball or basketball with family and friends. They love to dance and hike in the park. They learned that we all have things that make us uncomfortable or self concious. They learned what they have the power to change and what they needed to accept. And they learned it all in the same way Josette will need to discover it as well. Thru people who care for her deeply and love her unconditionally. Thru people who she can turn to and talk openly about her fears and concerns. Thru people whom she admires and respects. Thru people who can help her sort thru the misinformation that will come her way via classmates, media, etc. Thru people who are willing to help her navigate the periods of self doubt and reflection that eventually leads to confidence and insight. Just by you being concerned and asking the question shows you are a great person to help her. You do not need to have all the answers for her but you can be a valuable resource to help her evaluate the information she recieves and help her figure out her future goals too. In 10 years she will probably give you a big hug and say thanks for helping me get thru a rough patch. Good luck and God bless you both.

kr1stadee

I don't think the adult BMI scale will be beneficial.

I would talk to her. Not give any advice, but let her vent to you why she's hurting, what she feels she needs to change. Make sure that you pump her full of the good. Comment on her school, her health, her beauty, her ability to make friends, her kind heart, her trusting nature. Kids don't hear this enough. She's only 13, and 13 is rough. So is 14, 15, 16... Maybe help her find a program to build her self esteem (Girl Power camps, Girls on the Run programs, etc).

I would ask how she felt if you were to explain to her mother about how she's feeling. You keep her trust this way.

Hope she feels positive soon!

sforaff

My sisters name is Josette :-) But I would take this as an opportunity to get closer to your cousin; she probably brought this up also as an avenue to get closer to you perhaps. She see's your drive... respects you for it and also wants to have that inner strength. im certain if she grows up with you and your encouragement she will just as powerful. She will realize on her own that she does not have a fat problem once her self esteem is developed.

fiberartist219

Tell her she's beautiful.