Love Triangle: Do YOU think it is possible??
My friend, lets call her Jen for the sake of saving face, has recently told me of this dilema. Not looking for judgement on this topic, just wondering what everyone else thinks. After we talked I did some internet research and read quite a few articles and now, I wanna know what the MFP family thinks.
Jen has had three great loves in her life. The first, when she was 17 and he was the first. Broke her heart in two, he loved her too poor thing. Things just didn't pan out as relationships do at that age. The second was a guy named Paul. Funny, smart, cocky, beautiful man that every woman would want to be with. He chose her. He had some baggage to deal with and felt he needed to get away from where they lived to work them out. They kept in contact but eventually lost most of it.
He was the one that got away.
Eventually years later she met the third, John. A hallarious, sexy, protective, providing wonderful man. They dated for 3 years and decided they would get married. They were perfect for one another. Jen still thought about Paul every once in a while and they would Facebook message once in a while. Nothing scandleless, just friendly hellos and check ups.
Eventually Paul wanted to chat on the phone. Jen said sure. They laughed and chatted, things were settled, feelings were expressed and all in all this was the problem...
Paul still cared for Jen. He was so happy she was going to be married and that she found someone who loves her so much. He wanted to be in her life... AND she is the one that got away (basically confessed his love saying she was his dream girl).
Here in lies Jen's inner dilema; she is in love with two men.
She loves her fiancee with her body and soul but, her heart belongs to two people.
Have YOU ever been through this? Have you had the feelings for two people? How did YOU handle it?
Jen will not be having any affairs, she will be getting married in November as planned and she is keeping Paul in her life as well.
What would you do??
Jen has had three great loves in her life. The first, when she was 17 and he was the first. Broke her heart in two, he loved her too poor thing. Things just didn't pan out as relationships do at that age. The second was a guy named Paul. Funny, smart, cocky, beautiful man that every woman would want to be with. He chose her. He had some baggage to deal with and felt he needed to get away from where they lived to work them out. They kept in contact but eventually lost most of it.
He was the one that got away.
Eventually years later she met the third, John. A hallarious, sexy, protective, providing wonderful man. They dated for 3 years and decided they would get married. They were perfect for one another. Jen still thought about Paul every once in a while and they would Facebook message once in a while. Nothing scandleless, just friendly hellos and check ups.
Eventually Paul wanted to chat on the phone. Jen said sure. They laughed and chatted, things were settled, feelings were expressed and all in all this was the problem...
Paul still cared for Jen. He was so happy she was going to be married and that she found someone who loves her so much. He wanted to be in her life... AND she is the one that got away (basically confessed his love saying she was his dream girl).
Here in lies Jen's inner dilema; she is in love with two men.
She loves her fiancee with her body and soul but, her heart belongs to two people.
Have YOU ever been through this? Have you had the feelings for two people? How did YOU handle it?
Jen will not be having any affairs, she will be getting married in November as planned and she is keeping Paul in her life as well.
What would you do??
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Replies
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In my opinion, she needs to decide who she wants for a life partner and cut the other one out. If not he will say that he can be friends but will poke and prod his way into making trouble to be there to pick up the pieces. I hope your friend makes her decision and finds peace within herself.0
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If she has any moral conviction, she will tell her fiancee. It's unfair to enter into a relationship with someone with something this big hanging over it. If he's OK with it, then fine. But he deserves to know.0
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She needs to get rid of Paul...........and get married and forget the past. Keeping a ex boyfriend in the picture is like saying if this doesn't work out.....my 2 cents worth is no I would not keep friends with the ex. Somewhere down the road that will bite her in the rear. What works for her but she needs to think it out. Yes, it nice to think oh we are just friends, but he already told her he cared for her so.........red light!!! If I was the future husband I wouldn't like it. Just saying but I'm 60 yrs old.0
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I'm not saying a person can't be in love with more then one person, but if she chooses to keep Paul in her life knowing the amount of feelings that are still there it is cheating. Its emotional cheating and will create problems in her marriage. JMO0
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The gist I get is that the 2nd dude, she really liked. The 3rd dude has plenty of money.
She should sack the current dude off and go after the old one. If it works out she will be happy she made the decision and if it doesn't, well even if she stays with the fiancée she will always resent him because it prevented her from seeing the other guy.
Basically - current relationship is pretty much doomed so she might as well go for it with the other guy.0 -
An ex is an ex for a reason. Time makes us forget. He walked out on her once and if they were to be together, it would most likely happen again. Just my opinion.0
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Not trying to judge.
But in my opinion if you love somebody body and soul, there isn't room to love another person romantically.0 -
Paul already showed her exactly what he's capable of. She should remember THIS part of his character well. She has a man who didn't need to go off and leave to "deal with things". She'd be wise to treasure what's right in front of her and let her fond memories be exactly that. Been there. Done that.0
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An option is to be polyamorous.
There are a few forms of this. The one that seems to fit this situation most is a polyamorous V, not triangle. Triangle would be saying they'd all love each other. Thats not the case. She'd be the part of the V that reaches 2. It can work. It depends on maturity and what not. I have a few friends who are in similar situations. The issues they have is that they have double the drama. Not in a bad way, but its like having to deal with 2 relationships... (duh right?).
It just depends on maturity, open mindedness, and everything. She has to be upfront about everything though if shes going to do this. I personally couldn't do this, but again.. I've seen it work.. 0 -
I don't think most people realized I asked what YOU would do and have YOU been in this situation. Not what should she do. She already made her choice on the matter. I would agree with most of you. I see both sides but thank god I don't have to deal with it.
I do have to say, I love all my ex's still. Even the ones I hate. They taught me something. I love them for that. And I shared a part of my heart with them. My husband is my world, but he has done the same with others before me. I wouldn't expect him to say he didn't love them. We've never had this conversation yet though... maybe we will 0 -
Not trying to judge.
But in my opinion if you love somebody body and soul, there isn't room to love another person romantically.
This.... People always want what they can't have. Smdh0 -
If Paul hadn't left her (for whatever reason), she wouldn't have met John. The fact she met John and liked him enough to want to marry him itself means that poor Paul will have to wait to meet his Miss. Right.
This topic also reminded me once again why it is not a good idea to be or get in touch with an Ex irrespective of whether he/she is good or bad person. He/she is an Ex for a reason and when you move on, you move on.0 -
An option is to be polyamorous.
There are a few forms of this. The one that seems to fit this situation most is a polyamorous V, not triangle. Triangle would be saying they'd all love each other. Thats not the case. She'd be the part of the V that reaches 2. It can work. It depends on maturity and what not. I have a few friends who are in similar situations. The issues they have is that they have double the drama. Not in a bad way, but its like having to deal with 2 relationships... (duh right?).
It just depends on maturity, open mindedness, and everything. She has to be upfront about everything though if shes going to do this. I personally couldn't do this, but again.. I've seen it work..
you are correct. sorry about the wording lol0 -
Ok, if this was me.......................
You know, thinking back over all my ex's there isn't a single one now I would touch with a sh*tty stick. If I left them - well I'm obviously not going back. If they left me - then I wasn't what they needed and probably am not now. And
All or nothing, if it's gone it's gone and generally for really good reasons. And I don't think I would keep that person in my life - how comfortable would I be marrying someone who I knew still carried a torch for an ex that left them? Not comfortable at all and if I don't want it done to me then I'm not doing it to anyone else.0 -
Bump - interesting topic and will post comment later0
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Maybe she loves both of them, but there has to be only one that she is IN love with. Keeping both in her life will cause emotional problems.0
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An ex is an ex for a reason. Time makes us forget. He walked out on her once and if they were to be together, it would most likely happen again. Just my opinion.
Time makes us forget indeed. Is it possible that this Paul dude is all about "the chase" and that once he has her, he won't want her? Your friend need not be a conquest.
Besides. What the heck is wrong with this second guy that he can't respect the sanctity of this woman's engagement? Sexy? Hilarious? Third guy sounds AMAZING. If she bails on the third guy, she'll be living in the past, regretting and asking "what if" about that guy. If Paul REALLY wants her to be happy, he needs to back the heck off...
Put some distance between Paul and the 3rd guy. Don't even invite this Paul dude to the wedding. Gently put the friendship on the back burner for now, take a few days to respond to his messages, hope he finds someone else, and moves on. Maybe they can have a friendship once your friend's marriage is solid and this Paul guy has moved on.0 -
I saw a special on this last night. Really really strange to me, but if people can make it work.......An option is to be polyamorous.
There are a few forms of this. The one that seems to fit this situation most is a polyamorous V, not triangle. Triangle would be saying they'd all love each other. Thats not the case. She'd be the part of the V that reaches 2. It can work. It depends on maturity and what not. I have a few friends who are in similar situations. The issues they have is that they have double the drama. Not in a bad way, but its like having to deal with 2 relationships... (duh right?).
It just depends on maturity, open mindedness, and everything. She has to be upfront about everything though if shes going to do this. I personally couldn't do this, but again.. I've seen it work..0 -
It's absolutely possible to be in love with more than one person. Only she can decide what's best, but she may just need to cut off contact with Paul in order to really commit to her marriage.
The feelings won't necessarily go away, but at least she won't be divided in her attention.
(Speaking from experience.)0 -
Maybe this will help - If Jen's fiancee was in love w/ two women, would she marry him or would she want him to figure out who he wants to be with? I don't want to be with someone who is thinking about someone else. And what happens 2-3-5 years from now when there is a big argument or issues? Is Jen going to run to the other man?0
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My exH was Jen, I was the wife and well, his first love came back after 20 years and now we are divorced. Jen needs to grow up and decide what she wants. Or at the very least give her fiance a chance to leave given the new information. Just because you are well suited to someone doesn't mean they make your toes curl. And given the chance between a good companionship and curling toes, most people are going to pick the toes. Divorces are expensive and when kids are involved, it's hell; well, it's hell for the one with the broken heart.0
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Jen will not be having any affairs, she will be getting married in November as planned and she is keeping Paul in her life as well.
What would you do??
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD idea!!!!
i have been in lust since i got married, but of course never acted on it. i dont have those feeling for anyone apart from my beloved.
does the fiance know about paul? if so then fair enough, but if 'jen' lies to the fiance about Paul then i dont see how that can ever have a good outcome. i marriage based on lying doesnt sound like a good start!0 -
I've been married for 25 years and my wife taught me something along time ago. Although what you're experiencing was never an issue with us, we would use what I'm about to say next as a guide line for gray issues: "How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?"
That is the question you must ask yourself.
I hope this helps you think through your dilemma.
Good luck.0 -
If it were me, I would cut Paul out. I understand that they both probably have unresolved feelings, but I would think that keeping paul around could be damaging to the relationship that i want to have. And, if paul cares for me as much as he says he does, then he would respect that decision.
I would, personally, think that i was being unfair to my future spouse if i knowingly and willingly kept a person i acknowledge i still had romantic feelings for around.0 -
You want to know what WE would do. We are all entitled to our own opinions on the matter, and mine is that if I had two men in my life and couldn't decide between them, then I would have to believe that I wasn't actually in love with either of them. If you are truly in love with someone, the decision is always easy. The journey can be hard, but the decision to travel that journey is easy. If you can't decide between two men, then it wouldn't be fair for either man to be selected, as you would always wonder if the other person would have been the better choice.
Choosing to be with my husband was the easiest and best decision I have ever made. I never had to second guess it.0 -
If she's going to marry her fiance then she needs to cut Paul loose, otherwise she'll spend a lifetime debating if she made the right decision and that temptation will always be at her fingertips. Things in her marriage will get tough, and when they feel like they can't get any tougher they will, and when she starts to rely on Paul to listen the temptation of a new, better, different (easier looking) life may evenutally too much to withstand. If she decides to not get married now and marries Paul later on she needs to cut the current fiance loose because of the same things. I'm friends with a lot of people I dated over the years, I'm not friends with any who would tempt me in any way. There are no what if's in my life, it's not fair to my husband.0
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this will not end well, first sign of trouble in her marriage she might run to the guy who has her heart..0
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I was in a relationship and met a guy from many states away at a friend's wedding and...holy hotness insta-attraction! Let's just say if we'd been living nearby...well I'm not sure what would have happened. I would hope I wouldn't have cheated, but who knows.0
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My friend, lets call her Jen for the sake of saving face, has recently told me of this dilema. Not looking for judgement on this topic, just wondering what everyone else thinks. After we talked I did some internet research and read quite a few articles and now, I wanna know what the MFP family thinks.
Jen has had three great loves in her life. The first, when she was 17 and he was the first. Broke her heart in two, he loved her too poor thing. Things just didn't pan out as relationships do at that age. The second was a guy named Paul. Funny, smart, cocky, beautiful man that every woman would want to be with. He chose her. He had some baggage to deal with and felt he needed to get away from where they lived to work them out. They kept in contact but eventually lost most of it.
He was the one that got away.
Eventually years later she met the third, John. A hallarious, sexy, protective, providing wonderful man. They dated for 3 years and decided they would get married. They were perfect for one another. Jen still thought about Paul every once in a while and they would Facebook message once in a while. Nothing scandleless, just friendly hellos and check ups.
Eventually Paul wanted to chat on the phone. Jen said sure. They laughed and chatted, things were settled, feelings were expressed and all in all this was the problem...
Paul still cared for Jen. He was so happy she was going to be married and that she found someone who loves her so much. He wanted to be in her life... AND she is the one that got away (basically confessed his love saying she was his dream girl).
Here in lies Jen's inner dilema; she is in love with two men.
She loves her fiancee with her body and soul but, her heart belongs to two people.
Have YOU ever been through this? Have you had the feelings for two people? How did YOU handle it?
Jen will not be having any affairs, she will be getting married in November as planned and she is keeping Paul in her life as well.
What would you do??
I don't like complicated. It doesn't bring out my best self.0 -
Noooooo!if she is sure she wants to marry her Fiance drop all facebook contact stop this now!Theres a great attraction in the what ifs but remember he did get away her fiance is here and now,unless she dosnt love her fiance in that case call off the wedding and stand back from both! what is unobtainable is always attractive if she went back to this other guy she would probably think she should have stayed with her fiance,my gut would say postpone the wedding if she really is not sure otherwise go ahead and cut the other guy out of her life completely!0
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