Food = more comforting than people /rant

Erisad

I know this is gonna sound stupid but here it goes: my mom bought me this space organizer thing that's like a million poles, stoppers and springs and told me to put it together for my room. I HATE PUTTING STUFF TOGETHER. I'm horrible at it, the instructions are never helpful. I had to disassemble and start over three times, then I started to cry because I was super frustrated because I get to the last step, realize I screwed up and have to start over. So when my mother starts yelling at me for being stupid and never doing anything right, I go to my room, cry a bit, then go and polish off what's left of the pumpkin roll in the fridge. Now I'm starting to feel better and I realize that food makes me feel better than my family does. My family makes me want to throw myself off a bridge because I know they'd never miss me. They'd probably be happy that the spazz with Asperger's is finally gone and now they can be a normal family again. At least food is nice to me in the moment, even though it adds to my hips later. *sigh* Now if only veggies had the same comforting effect as a pumpkin and cream cheese roll, I'd be set.

dlyeates

I totally understand!!! My mom is the same way and I believe that I got and stayed fat was in large part due to her (crash dieting enforced by her as a teenager who was pretty thin, being told I was fat, being told that I wouldn't find love because of my weight, etc).

What I learned is that, for good or bad, we are put into families but have no control over the family we are given. And sometimes you have to create your own family through friends and others outside of your biological family to get the family support that you need. My friends from college were my family for the 5 years I was there, loved me for who I was, and taught me to be myself and to be proud of who I was and have become!!! And sometimes you have to remember what is true when those closest to you hurt you the most. And what are those truths you may ask? Here they are:

You are a beautiful young woman who is stronger than she realizes.
You are not a mistake and even those negatives that you see in you are there for a reason and that reason is for good!!!
Your Aspergers is not a death sentence and does not mean that you are weird, unloveable or defective!!!! (we're all weird in our own ways so embrace this quirk in your life).
(whether you believe this or not I'm still going to say it).....GOD DOESN'T MAKE CRAP!!!! You were created to be wonderful AND YOU ARE!!!!
You are not stupid and though you may not be able to put stuff together well that is only 1 thing you don't do well.....You do NOT do EVERYTHING wrong and there is so much that you ARE good at!!!!

It is extremely hard to believe good about yourself when those closest to you are tearing you down but what she is saying is not the truth!!! And somehow you will need to start focusing on the truth and turn a deaf ear to her!!! It is not easy, I'm still not good at it and my mom still gets me going too but it can be done!!! PM me any time!!!!

minkakross

you should read your post to them. 1. most parents don't have a clue the impact of their words, frankly most people rarely think about what they say and how it's being heard by the recieving party. 2. It might remind them that sometimes regardless of any personal disabilities it would be helpful to have some support whether it's to complete a task like putting up your shelves or just knowing that even if it takes you more than one try you can and did get it done.

Erisad

I totally understand!!! My mom is the same way and I believe that I got and stayed fat was in large part due to her (crash dieting enforced by her as a teenager who was pretty thin, being told I was fat, being told that I wouldn't find love because of my weight, etc).

What I learned is that, for good or bad, we are put into families but have no control over the family we are given. And sometimes you have to create your own family through friends and others outside of your biological family to get the family support that you need. My friends from college were my family for the 5 years I was there, loved me for who I was, and taught me to be myself and to be proud of who I was and have become!!! And sometimes you have to remember what is true when those closest to you hurt you the most. And what are those truths you may ask? Here they are:

You are a beautiful young woman who is stronger than she realizes.
You are not a mistake and even those negatives that you see in you are there for a reason and that reason is for good!!!
Your Aspergers is not a death sentence and does not mean that you are weird, unloveable or defective!!!! (we're all weird in our own ways so embrace this quirk in your life).
(whether you believe this or not I'm still going to say it).....GOD DOESN'T MAKE CRAP!!!! You were created to be wonderful AND YOU ARE!!!!
You are not stupid and though you may not be able to put stuff together well that is only 1 thing you don't do well.....You do NOT do EVERYTHING wrong and there is so much that you ARE good at!!!!

It is extremely hard to believe good about yourself when those closest to you are tearing you down but what she is saying is not the truth!!! And somehow you will need to start focusing on the truth and turn a deaf ear to her!!! It is not easy, I'm still not good at it and my mom still gets me going too but it can be done!!! PM me any time!!!!

That's why I was so sad when I graduated college, I felt that I was leaving my real family. Since I don't have my driver's license or a real job, I feel that I'm treated worse for it. Sorry if I'm not making lots of money less than 2 years out of college but at least it's not minimum wage. I am not a top performer at work but I'm just trying to do my best so I don't get fired before I can afford a car, which should be next spring. Then I'll aim to have my license by the summer and move out by fall, depending on how much money I have or what's going on at the time.

She feels like I'm betraying the family by being an atheist who wants to live with her boyfriend before marriage but she has to realize that guilt tripping me isn't going to help her cause.

Erisad

you should read your post to them. 1. most parents don't have a clue the impact of their words, frankly most people rarely think about what they say and how it's being heard by the recieving party. 2. It might remind them that sometimes regardless of any personal disabilities it would be helpful to have some support whether it's to complete a task like putting up your shelves or just knowing that even if it takes you more than one try you can and did get it done.

I didn't get it done, it's still in pieces all over the table.

I don't think they value my opinion, they haven't since I left the church. Oh well. Wait til they find out I want to be married by a judge instead of a pastor. OH the humanityyyy.

soulfulsally

I don't think they value my opinion, they haven't since I left the church.

With people like that, even when it's family, all you can do is distance yourself from their judgement and surround yourself as much as possible with people who accept you as-is. I hope things go as planned and you can get out of this living situation soon. (And congrats on the weight loss so far! Impressive!)

Erisad

I don't think they value my opinion, they haven't since I left the church.

With people like that, even when it's family, all you can do is distance yourself from their judgement and surround yourself as much as possible with people who accept you as-is. I hope things go as planned and you can get out of this living situation soon. (And congrats on the weight loss so far! Impressive!)

Pretty much. I hope so too. My bf should be getting an apartment sometime next year so I will go move in with him. Whether it's by my place or his, I just need some space away from them. I won't cut them off completely (although they'll probably stop talking to me for a while), just need some independence. I loved college because it taught me what kind of person I was and what I need to blossom: independence.

jemimasmum

First off - fantastic weight loss - you have set a great example on that.

Just hang in there - I'm a happy atheist married to an atheist with high functioning asperger's. You are not a spazz, just someone who likes patterns and routines and has a particlar understanding of the world. Not believing in some guy in the sky probably fits the ASD pattern.
People are frustrating sometimes and i don't have experience of your folks but rest assured you are normal. everyone is normal within their own parameters and they'll come to respect the differences in time.
Good luck with saving the cash and moving out. In the meantime make the most of the valuable life stuff you learned in college and be proud to be yourself.

Erisad

First off - fantastic weight loss - you have set a great example on that.

Just hang in there - I'm a happy atheist married to an atheist with high functioning asperger's. You are not a spazz, just someone who likes patterns and routines and has a particlar understanding of the world. Not believing in some guy in the sky probably fits the ASD pattern.
People are frustrating sometimes and i don't have experience of your folks but rest assured you are normal. everyone is normal within their own parameters and they'll come to respect the differences in time.
Good luck with saving the cash and moving out. In the meantime make the most of the valuable life stuff you learned in college and be proud to be yourself.

Thank you! That's since May 2010 so it's taking a while but I'm getting there.

A lot of ASD folks are atheists or some form of non-believer. Not to say there aren't those of us who are theistic as I've met ASD people who are Christians, Mormons and so on.

They act like I'm "fixed" because I got a degree and I'm talking so I shouldn't have meltdowns anymore. I don't think they understand that ASD isn't something that can be cured. *siiigh*

Sharyn913

My guess is that if anyone made your husband feel like any less of a human being for his condition, you wouldn't appreciate that. You would ask that they show him the same respect they would show any other person. With that being said, I'm not asking you to believe in God, but I am asking that you would show respect to those of us who do, and not reference him as "some guy in the sky"

To the OP, have you had real sit downs with your family and told them how much they are hurting you? I'm sure they know they are acting horribly, but don't understand the impact. I'm sorry you are going through that.

Just hang in there - I'm a happy atheist married to an atheist with high functioning asperger's. You are not a spazz, just someone who likes patterns and routines and has a particlar understanding of the world. Not believing in some guy in the sky probably fits the ASD pattern.

Erisad

To the OP, have you had real sit downs with your family and told them how much they are hurting you? I'm sure they know they are acting horribly, but don't understand the impact. I'm sorry you are going through that.

Not really, I get it out in small chunks but seeing as I'm usually crying and upset when I do they probably don't take me seriously. And no, they just think that I'm being ridiculous and giving them a hard time on purpose. It's really hard to have serious talks with my mom and grandma. They take things personally and assume that I'm making them out to be monsters when I'm just describing how they make me feel.

blues4miles

Sorry I have no advice to offer, but thanks to the economy and what all else, it's common again for young folks to be stuck at home at a point when they have already learned some independence. And that's really tough. Tough on you and tough on your family. I think when you get out on your own you might be able to work on your relationship with your family again and find some healthy/happy medium.

But when you are all stuck in the same place and you are growing and stretching I'm just not sure there's room. I would (honestly) try to minimize contact with your family to as little as possible. I mean, don't stay out all night (if that's going to cause them to be concerned) but if there is a place you can go (library, friend's house, park) then all the better. You are trying to spread your wings and become your own adult. Your family sees you as moving away from the values that are essential to them, especially as you mentioned they seem to be regular religious attenders and you do not. I would try to minimize discussion on this with them (or frankly with anyone with opposing views). There's really no middle ground here. Your family probably thinks your atheism is a phase and that with enough pressure/cajoling they can convince you to "return" to values. So again I would just try to minimize this. Same with you wanting to live with your boyfriend, there's no need to tell them the plans you have for your life until maybe 2 weeks or a month before you move out and then only to tell them where you are going and how you can be reached.

Here's one way I deal with difficult people, try to focus on something that occupies a significant part of your mind. Maybe a book you are reading or some sort of work problem or anything that is sort of interesting, but nothing that particularly stresses you out. Always have this in the back of your head. When your family starts talking to you just start thinking about that thing. Prepare ahead of time for the kinds of things they will say. Don't argue with them (not worth it). You don't have to give in, but just don't try to talk about. For instance if your mom says "we really think you should start going to church again..." etc you can just say "i know that you think that way" or "I'm aware that that is important to you" and leave at that, don't try to discuss why you don't want to go or don't believe what they believe. Just aknowledge that you understand what they are telling you and leave at that. If they push you can say "we have different opinions" on that instead. Did you have friends in college sounds like? Can you get in contact with them? Even if you are not in the same place it would be good for you to have a strong support network of friends you can call/email.

Erisad

Sorry I have no advice to offer, but thanks to the economy and what all else, it's common again for young folks to be stuck at home at a point when they have already learned some independence. And that's really tough. Tough on you and tough on your family. I think when you get out on your own you might be able to work on your relationship with your family again and find some healthy/happy medium.

But when you are all stuck in the same place and you are growing and stretching I'm just not sure there's room. I would (honestly) try to minimize contact with your family to as little as possible. I mean, don't stay out all night (if that's going to cause them to be concerned) but if there is a place you can go (library, friend's house, park) then all the better. You are trying to spread your wings and become your own adult. Your family sees you as moving away from the values that are essential to them, especially as you mentioned they seem to be regular religious attenders and you do not. I would try to minimize discussion on this with them (or frankly with anyone with opposing views). There's really no middle ground here. Your family probably thinks your atheism is a phase and that with enough pressure/cajoling they can convince you to "return" to values. So again I would just try to minimize this. Same with you wanting to live with your boyfriend, there's no need to tell them the plans you have for your life until maybe 2 weeks or a month before you move out and then only to tell them where you are going and how you can be reached.

Here's one way I deal with difficult people, try to focus on something that occupies a significant part of your mind. Maybe a book you are reading or some sort of work problem or anything that is sort of interesting, but nothing that particularly stresses you out. Always have this in the back of your head. When your family starts talking to you just start thinking about that thing. Prepare ahead of time for the kinds of things they will say. Don't argue with them (not worth it). You don't have to give in, but just don't try to talk about. For instance if your mom says "we really think you should start going to church again..." etc you can just say "i know that you think that way" or "I'm aware that that is important to you" and leave at that, don't try to discuss why you don't want to go or don't believe what they believe. Just aknowledge that you understand what they are telling you and leave at that. If they push you can say "we have different opinions" on that instead. Did you have friends in college sounds like? Can you get in contact with them? Even if you are not in the same place it would be good for you to have a strong support network of friends you can call/email.

Yeeeah. That's probably what's going to happen. Our relationship improved when I was in college, then I'd come home and we'd fight the entire time.

There's not a lot I can do within walking distance. I have scheduled a lot of social time with friends the past three weeks and mom was upset that I was "never home." I'm home every day after work. How much mommy daughter time does she need? She works from home so she's here all the time when I have off.

...I might have to do that. I like giving them a heads up but it seems like no matter what I do, it just isn't good enough for them.

I have my college friends on facebook so I can go there for support, although I have to block my family on those posts so they don't think I'm vilifying them on the internet.

Erisad

I finally get this stupid rack together and all it takes is someone walking on the other side of the wall for it to topple over and hit me on the head. Ugh. I already left a scathing review of the product on the website, hoping to discourage others from buying it. Uuuugh. I don't know whether to try modifying it to make it better or trying to dissemble it to send it back. I threw out most of the packaging already so I don't think I can send it back with just the parts lying in the box.

cebreisch

Gosh...If I could trade my family for one that didn't belittle me for every little thing, and make me feel worthless for losing only .2 pounds instead of 20 pounds every week, I would in a second!!

Unfortunately, that's what family's do because they don't know any better. It doens't matter what we do to try to teach them how to better encourage us or better motivate us, it always falls on deaf ears.

I've lost 100 pounds, and have TOLD my mother countless times that just because something is "fat free" doesn't mean "it's good for you"...what it means is they've replaced the fat with sugar or salt or something else just as bad. She wouldn't listen to me, but when my brother, the "size one civilian", told her, then she listened.

I've discovered I can't change them or how they think or what they do. I can only focus on changing/fixing me and sometimes I hope that Karma will really catch up with them for all the crap they gave me for so many years (and if I'm REALLY lucky, I'll get to watch! LOL).

Erisad

Gosh...If I could trade my family for one that didn't belittle me for every little thing, and make me feel worthless for losing only .2 pounds instead of 20 pounds every week, I would in a second!!

Unfortunately, that's what family's do because they don't know any better. It doens't matter what we do to try to teach them how to better encourage us or better motivate us, it always falls on deaf ears.

I've lost 100 pounds, and have TOLD my mother countless times that just because something is "fat free" doesn't mean "it's good for you"...what it means is they've replaced the fat with sugar or salt or something else just as bad. She wouldn't listen to me, but when my brother, the "size one civilian", told her, then she listened.

I've discovered I can't change them or how they think or what they do. I can only focus on changing/fixing me and sometimes I hope that Karma will really catch up with them for all the crap they gave me for so many years (and if I'm REALLY lucky, I'll get to watch! LOL).

*hugs* Yeeeah. My mom's been through a lot, sadly she uses this as an excuse to yell at us anytime she's having a bad day. *sigh*

Hopefully it works out for you too.

Sharyn913

I finally get this stupid rack together and all it takes is someone walking on the other side of the wall for it to topple over and hit me on the head. Ugh. I already left a scathing review of the product on the website, hoping to discourage others from buying it. Uuuugh. I don't know whether to try modifying it to make it better or trying to dissemble it to send it back. I threw out most of the packaging already so I don't think I can send it back with just the parts lying in the box.

Ask your boyfriend to come over and help, men are handy at those things!

Erisad

I finally get this stupid rack together and all it takes is someone walking on the other side of the wall for it to topple over and hit me on the head. Ugh. I already left a scathing review of the product on the website, hoping to discourage others from buying it. Uuuugh. I don't know whether to try modifying it to make it better or trying to dissemble it to send it back. I threw out most of the packaging already so I don't think I can send it back with just the parts lying in the box.

Ask your boyfriend to come over and help, men are handy at those things!

He should be over this weekend, although I don't know if he would like to spend his time fiddling with a stupid space organizer rack thingy. Considering taping it to the wall to make it stay. Also mom's saying I made her waste money but I never asked for this thing anyway. She just bought it on my behalf. She says she bought it to help me, not make me feel stupid and worthless but that's the effect it had. Stupid cheaply made crap from China.

dlyeates

As a Christian who does believe in God it hurts me beyond belief that your family would treat you badly because you don't believe the same as them. I'm so sorry that the people closest to you who should be showing you love would go against what they believe and what the God that they and I believe in would hurt you in this way!!! I'm sorry that they are not living out what they believe with you and it's those Christians and believers that turn people away from God!!!

It sounds like you are such a wonderful person and they need to start looking at their faith to remember that God created ALL of you and that it's not a bad thing!!!! So what if you are on the spectrum....that is a special part of who you are!!! My great-nephew has Aspergers and even though he may do things differently and has a different way of relating to others that doesn't make him less my relative and I love him to pieces!!!

Please do not judge people who believe in God by the example of your parents!!! I'm sure they want you to believe differently but the way they are treating you would not want to make anyone believe in what they believe!!! I think you are a lovely human being who has learned to adapt and live with the ASD diagnosis and still be successful!!! You're weight loss is amazing and you are an inspiration.......and no matter if we believe differently I admire you, your strength and your ability to express yourself on here to identify when you are hurt and to know what your trigger was and that you didn't like how you handled it. If only others did the same!!! Thank you for your strength and your example.....I'm proud you are one of my friends even if we have different beliefs!!!!

SuperstarDJ

(((Hugs)))

Aw hon, I'm so sorry you're going through this at the moment. I don't know if it means anything, but my little boy is high functioning ASD. I remember reading something you'd posted a few months back, about going to college and getting your degree despite having Aspergers. Your post gave me SO much hope for my son and I think of that post everytime I worry for him (which happens on a daily basis!).

You are an amazing inspiration to me and just know that there is somebody in a different continent thinking of you and more hopeful for the future because of you.

Hang in there hon. xx

Erisad

As a Christian who does believe in God it hurts me beyond belief that your family would treat you badly because you don't believe the same as them. I'm so sorry that the people closest to you who should be showing you love would go against what they believe and what the God that they and I believe in would hurt you in this way!!! I'm sorry that they are not living out what they believe with you and it's those Christians and believers that turn people away from God!!!

It sounds like you are such a wonderful person and they need to start looking at their faith to remember that God created ALL of you and that it's not a bad thing!!!! So what if you are on the spectrum....that is a special part of who you are!!! My great-nephew has Aspergers and even though he may do things differently and has a different way of relating to others that doesn't make him less my relative and I love him to pieces!!!

Please do not judge people who believe in God by the example of your parents!!! I'm sure they want you to believe differently but the way they are treating you would not want to make anyone believe in what they believe!!! I think you are a lovely human being who has learned to adapt and live with the ASD diagnosis and still be successful!!! You're weight loss is amazing and you are an inspiration.......and no matter if we believe differently I admire you, your strength and your ability to express yourself on here to identify when you are hurt and to know what your trigger was and that you didn't like how you handled it. If only others did the same!!! Thank you for your strength and your example.....I'm proud you are one of my friends even if we have different beliefs!!!!

You think this is bad, you should have seen how they treated my uncle when he came out as gay. He moved out immediately afterwards because he felt so unwelcome by his mother and sister. That was the first time I questioned my faith.

I have friends that are Christian and I respect their views and they respect mine. It's just the family that gets to me. The rest of my family, aunts, uncles and cousins seem to avoid the topic with me because they know how I feel and I get the feeling some of them are similar but don't want to speak up.

Thanks. *huuugs* I like being your friend too.

(((Hugs)))

Aw hon, I'm so sorry you're going through this at the moment. I don't know if it means anything, but my little boy is high functioning ASD. I remember reading something you'd posted a few months back, about going to college and getting your degree despite having Aspergers. Your post gave me SO much hope for my son and I think of that post everytime I worry for him (which happens on a daily basis!).

You are an amazing inspiration to me and just know that there is somebody in a different continent thinking of you and more hopeful for the future because of you.

Hang in there hon. xx

Awww, really? That's so sweet. Glad I'm able to help. I know my mom would have liked to know that when I was young. I may be working in a warehouse now but at least it's something.