What would you do?...

ken1994

Based on the information provided the mother is using guilt as a way of getting you to do the things she wants vs letting you do anything that would bring you closer together. Difficult situation for sure because you will always get interference from the mother when you try and connect. Keep trying up to the limit you are willing to and past that know it might be futile.

martymays

From what I've read, the mother seems like she likes to flaunt her authority. Maybe I'm wrong. But as much as it sucks, she is the mom so she makes the rules.

Justkeepswimmin

I'm going to attempt to make this as concise as possible so I don't turn into one of those "But you don't understand, there's more to the story!!" posters.

Back story:
Brother knocked up some random before he went to boot camp for the Army. She shows up 3 months pregnant, NOBODY knows who she is. My brother didn't have much of a relationship with his son because 1- he's an idiot/he was young (19) when he was born 2- he's been either deployed or stationed 20hrs away and not able to see him. So my Mom and I have always picked up his "slack" on his fathering. Now my Mother has moved away to Florida (we're in Iowa) and so now it's left to me to make sure there's still a relationship with our side of the family. My brother has been out of the Army 9 months, is working on a relationship with his son and lives about 45mins away now.

But this situation has to do between his mother (nephew's mother) and I.

I signed up my nephew for swimming lessons. Two sessions. One in Sept another in October. BEFORE I did this, I contacted his mother:

Me: "I want to sign up my nephew for swimming lessons since he wasn't able to go down the slides at the pool this summer and he really wants to. So it's important that he learns to swim. I want to take him to these lessons so we can have some one on one time, so does Mon/Wed work?."
Her: "Mon/Wed works best for us."
Me: "Okay, I'll sign him up for Mon/Wed. Is that good for both sessions? Because I plan on taking him for those lessons both sessions. I want to see what the instructors are like (I taught lessons for 13 years) too."
Her: "Yup. Mon/Wed is perfect for us."

So I sign him up. In the interim of waiting for his first class to begin, I get a call from my mother "Did you know (blank) has changed your nephew's swimming lessons?" "No, I did not." So I contact her, she was signing him up for flag football and the practices are on Mon/Wed. She told the people that were in charge of registration that he had swimming lessons on Mon/Wed and that would make for a long night for him. So she asked to change his swimming lesson days to T/R. They changed the lessons for her. MIND YOU: I paid for them and they were under MY account with MY information. She is NO where on the account.

Contact her again:
Me: "You changed my nephew's swimming lesson days?"
Her: "Yes, I hope that doesn't make you mad. He wanted to play football this fall and it's on Mon/Wed. I didn't want him to have football 530-630 then swimming from 645-715. So I asked them to change them to T/R"
Me: "I'm a little confused how you changed the lessons, since you're not on the account, but that's neither here nor there. I just really wish you would've spoken to me first. I was really looking forward to spending this time with him weekly since I don't get to see him because he's busy with other activities and school."
Her: "Well, sorry. He really wanted to do football."
Me: "Okay. I understand. I'll come see him swim when I can."

Fast forward to this week:
He's supposed to start lessons Mon/Wed this week. SHE CHANGED THE LESSONS AGAIN without my knowledge. I'm at my wits end with this woman. What would you do? I don't want to cancel his lessons because he literally had a melt down when he couldn't go down the slide at the swimming pool. I just don't have the time to teach him myself to be consistent enough for him to learn. So I set up these lessons so I could take him, she wouldn't have to do a thing. She won't let me get him any other time. I've tried to take him for an afternoon to get ice cream or go to the park and she always says he's busy. I am SO frustrated. I checked his attendance on the last session, he went to 3/10 lessons. I PAID FOR THAT. If she had kept him on the days he was on, he would've made 10/10. I'm just so frustrated. I hate it that I have no rights to him at all and she can do whatever she wants :frown:

Ok seriously let this be a lesson to you to never ever ever have kids with a woman you are not 100 percent sure you will spend the rest of your life with - because this is a problem I would normally read about on a custody / stepparenting board For support..I'd look there because you have a long miserable road ahead of you if you don't make peace - do NOT start a war over something like this...there are far worse things that could happen.

Secondly, she doesn't make the rules because she's the 'mom', as marty said...however she is the only legal consistent parent...your intentions are great, but there is no win win here....fighting her will make it worse and appeasing her will make you ticked. So what DO you do? What you said was fine imo, just trying to make the peace as much as you can and with loving kindness show her more often how you love your nephew than showing how much her inconsideration ticks you off (she may get pleasure out of that part so don't let her see it.)

Third, I don't think you were presumptious to 'sign him up' as someone else said because you ASKED first. Yes just signing him up would have been presumptious. NO I can't spell. It sucks that she didn't ask you first to change days, or just say no that doesn't work if she had no intention of letting him go to most of the lessons. Look at it this way...if you commit to making plans with someone don't you ask them before changing those plans? By proxy as the parent in charge of the kids whereabouts, if she commits him to something with you it is POLITE to say something to you. NO she isn't required by law but I'm really sick of people thinking women can be as rude as they want because they are the 'mom'.

Fourth, this sounds like a typical case 'some' biomom's not thinking anyone else on the planet is important to her child including but not limited to: fathers, stepmothers, adopted parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, friends etc. My experience with women like this has been (of 4 of 4 cases thus far) the kids are barely (if at all) on speaking terms with that parent as adults.