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Lost240

Hello! I'm female, 25, 5'5 and 152lbs. I used to be extremely hyperactive and athletic. I am used to always being extremely toned and muscular. I used to actually hate the way my body looked when I had such big muscles.. now I look at the pictures and feel extremely depressed. I'm trying to nail down the reason I have changed. What made me do a complete 180? My couch has been my friend for years now, but not near as good of a friend as food, with which I have a love/hate relationship.

I believe the first time I felt the high from eating was when I was going through my divorce, I found this great local pizza place that I love and I gained 15lbs that summer eating my stress away. That was in 2007. After that, I went through years of partying, binge drinking, starving myself, binge eating, abusing Phentermine because I couldn't control my food cravings, etc. Needless to say, I have treated my body very poorly. My life has calmed quite a bit these days, no more partying or abusing anything, other than myself I guess.

I can't seem to stop the binge eating. Sometimes I eat because I want to soothe my sadness, other times I eat because I want to punish myself, for what, I don't exactly know. Abusing yourself can be so satisfying sometimes! I am on a mission to stop my self destruction and to learn (remember?) how much better taking care of myself feels. This is the most I have weighed. I know I'm not extremely overweight, but I feel out of control, and well on my way there. My new found lack of confidence is effecting many aspects of my life, including work, and especially my relationship. I really need support from people who understand just how hard the inner battle to avoid self-pity is. I truly admire people who seem almost incapable of self-pity and constantly wonder why they're minds seem to operate so much differently than mine. I know I sure am tired of hearing them tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I KNOW what I NEED to do, but it is so much easier said than done! K, rant over!!