Sabotage From Loved Ones

JLD81

Anyone else have issues with people around you trying to sabotage what you are accomplishing?

I have this recent issue. My boyfriend and I used to go dancing 3-4 nights a week. We stopped doing this a while back and were, for a while, at least walking the dogs together, and getting out and about. Last year I gained about 40 lbs due to some health issues and being on constant active birth control. They finally have taken me off of those and have figured out that my problems were related to b12 deficiency.

Now, I am back on track, have lost about 12- 15 lbs, have gained substantial muscle, and have dedicated my life to fitness and my goals. I take dance classes 3 days a week. I work out at least six (except when sick). Now, I feel like my boyfriend is sabotaging eveything I do. It is seriously causing relationship problems between us. He has gained a lot of weight since we got together 4 1/2 years ago. I can't get him to go dance with me, I can't get him to workout with me, I can't get him to take a dance class with me, and I can't get him to take the dogs for a walk with me. It is not that his weight bothers me, but when you are so dedicated to something, it is hard to have someone you care about not show any interest.

Now, tonight, he makes a comment about my weight, specifically, my stomach area. Which, let me point out, it much better after losing weight. Yes, I gained weight where I never had it before, hormones will do that.

Here is the big issue. I have a history of eating disorders, and he knows this. He used to yell at me anytime he thought I was slipping back into them. Now, I have him making comments about my body- are you freaking kidding me?!?!

I don't so much need advice, just needed to vent. I don't know how we will survive this if he doesn't get a freaking clue or get off his *kitten*.

Anyone else have issues?

citygirl04

Got a baseball bat? Give him a smack upside the head. You sound like you're working hard and doing well. Tell him if he can't say something nice then shut his pie hole. Can I tell him for ya??

glahlstedt

My hubby told me almost 2 years ago that he was no longer physically attracted to me anymore. I was heartbroken-to say the least. I have struggled with this 40-50lb since going through invitro with our daughter 5.5 years ago. So, with that said, I know exactly how u feel. I am it going to let his comment ruin me. Rather than that, I am going to try my best to get to a healthy weight. I have not told him that I am trying to lose weight. I want him to notice me getting smaller and smaller over the next year. So, hang in there.

anifani4

So sorry for your trouble. Here you are doing your best to be healthy and take good care of yourself and the last thing you need is negative comments.

First off, stop trying to get your partner to do anything. He has to find his own motivation just like you had to find yours.

Sometime when it is quiet, take him by the hand and say you have something you want to tell him. Then sit down and tell him what you are doing to improve yourself. That the past months have been torture and that you would like his support and some positive words every day but you will carry on regardless. That you'd like him to participate but understand if he is not ready.

Then go about your business of being the best person you can be. The relationship will either make it or not. Probably too blunt but there you have it.

Soloflyergirl2

Hi.... I see similar situation in my family..... as my sister loses weight, her husband suggests a fast food dinner..... I think he is insecure and figures, if she starts looking good, he will lose her... So... first.... perhaps.... assure mr wonderful that you are losing weight so that you will be healthy and can enjoy sharing a life with him... for a long future... and that when he says certain things or discourages your health plan.... he is only hurting himself.... and .. personally... If it gets so bad that you find yourself deteriorating in your goal and psyche.... I know a fast way to lose about 280 pounds... kick his butt to the curb..... i'm just sayin....... best wishes...

DixieStarr76

Tell him that you are are changing your goals on MFP because you have realized that you actually need to lose an additional *insert his weight here*. See if he gets it.

JLD81

Got a baseball bat? Give him a smack upside the head. You sound like you're working hard and doing well. Tell him if he can't say something nice then shut his pie hole. Can I tell him for ya??

Rofl! This made me laugh. I needed that.

JasonDetwiler

Time for new boyfriend. This kind of stuff is something to work through in a marriage, but for a bf/gf relationship, just move on. Find someone who appreciates what you're working hard for.

jlstrauss77

I get this in subtle ways from my husband. He did eventually join the gym and we go at different times and have very different workouts. But he brings home foods I shouldn't eat. But he does it because he knows I love them and he loves me. He gets mad if I don't finish food and head to the trash can to throw it out. But I know that if I eat everything I sabotage all of my hard work.

I did finally tell him to stop trying to tell me how to eat. I told him why I throw things out and he tries to understand. It isn't easy and I don't always have the willpower to resist the candy he knows I love.

People are always threatened by someone loosing weight. I haven't figured out why. I'm proud (and jealous) when someone has a great success, but I never try to feed them pizza and cookies to celebrate.

citygirl04

Got a baseball bat? Give him a smack upside the head. You sound like you're working hard and doing well. Tell him if he can't say something nice then shut his pie hole. Can I tell him for ya??

Rofl! This made me laugh. I needed that.

I'm glad. Don't let him sabbatoge all your hard work. If he can't appreciate what you're doing for yourself then he's a ****. Couldn't think of a better word. (Sorry guys)

xxloveiswarr

i'll put this simply:

you deserve better.

Heather_Rider

So sorry for your trouble. Here you are doing your best to be healthy and take good care of yourself and the last thing you need is negative comments.

First off, stop trying to get your partner to do anything. He has to find his own motivation just like you had to find yours.

Sometime when it is quiet, take him by the hand and say you have something you want to tell him. Then sit down and tell him what you are doing to improve yourself. That the past months have been torture and that you would like his support and some positive words every day but you will carry on regardless. That you'd like him to participate but understand if he is not ready.

Then go about your business of being the best person you can be. The relationship will either make it or not. Probably too blunt but there you have it.

This is a VERY wise woman..

citygirl04

I think she should still kick him in the ba***.

mandy0688

You need a more supportive boyfriend with the good and bad. My fiance knows about a past eating disorder even though i gained 50 lbs in the year that we have been together. Now he is on my side helping me lose weight. The point is he should be there for you no matter what. Sit him down and tell him that what he said hurt your feelings. If he shrugs it off and keeps doing it then he is a negative influence for you. Good Luck.

kimosabe1

He sounds like a douche my dear and It's time for him to go. He sounds like everything you wouldn't be interested in as a man. If you already have the feeling then let him fly because you are better than that. I also used to suffer from an eating disorder but I do not have one anymore. He needs to realize that is an old problem and that you are uninterested in returning to that problem and you are trying to loose weight the healthy way. Perhaps he is scared that you will get hotter and he doesn't like that idea........

citygirl04

He sounds like a douche my dear and It's time for him to go. He sounds like everything you wouldn't be interested in as a man. If you already have the feeling then let him fly because you are better than that. I also used to suffer from an eating disorder but I do not have one anymore. He needs to realize that is an old problem and that you are uninterested in returning to that problem and you are trying to loose weight the healthy way. Perhaps he is scared that you will get hotter and he doesn't like that idea........

And if that doesn't work, kick him in the b****.

praxisproject

When it comes to a life partner (temporary or otherwise), close friend or family member, they need to support you in achieving your goals, even if that support is simply NOT having a negative impact on your efforts.

Work on positive elements only after you can remove all the negative ones. The negative ones will hold you back, even if you have positive elements as well.

They don't need to DO something (like exercising with you), but they need to stop:

* being ignorant of what you can and can't eat (if they're not sure, asking is easy, which leads to learning)
* buying food for you they know you can't eat
* being negative or hurtful about your goals
(insults, comments that you can't do it, any manipulative behaviour that initiates shame or hurt)
* encouraging you to eat unhealthy things
* encouraging you to eat in unhealthy ways
* putting you in situations you both know are not healthy
* demanding you can't have time to do healthy things (time to walk the dogs, etc)
* sabotaging your goals
* trying to manipulate your behaviour to things opposite to your own goals

Be aware of any fears in your partner (losing you if you are skinnier, that you losing weight is "planning to leave").
For some people, your improved behaviour may make them feel guilty about their own (there's only one solution to that and it's not something you can do anything about).
Just like any other important relationship issue, this needs to be dealt with. See a therapist if necessary. Make sure you're not triggering any of this behaviour with other behaviour (you hurt me, so I'll hurt you, etc).
Understanding why behaviour occurs is important. Sometimes it's really stupid reasons that are very easy to fix (ignorance). Sometimes people just think what they do or say doesn't have any kind of impact on you. Sometimes it's really all the other person's issues and something they need to deal with.

Keep track of repeat instances and discuss them at a non emotional time (as opportunities to improve the relationship). Discuss the impact on your relationship, how it makes you feel when you can't trust them to support your goals and can't trust them not to sabotage you (some people really don't think this has any impact on a relationship, but anything that erodes trust is always toxic).

Be clear about what you will and won't put up with and what you expect from the relationship, in the short term, medium term and long term. If you truly want very different things out of life, the relationship may simply have come to it's natural end.

Relationships are always a two way street, it takes two people to maintain one.

If you maintain a relationship (or friendship - even ongoing contact with a toxic family member) with someone who regularly sabotages your goals (of any kind), you are giving them permission to reduce the quality of your future and putting your own roadblocks in front of your goals.

frownieface

He is probably scared to lose you and he himself is probably very self conscious, but hasn't found his own tipping point yet. Talk to him find out the real reason that he saying/doing theses things.

tpt1950

Time for new boyfriend. This kind of stuff is something to work through in a marriage, but for a bf/gf relationship, just move on. Find someone who appreciates what you're working hard for.

^^^
This

Try not to ever let anyone or anything prevent you from reaching any goal that you set for yourself - if they aren't supporting you and behind you in your decisions to make your life better for yourself - you probably don't need them in your life. I know it's easier said than done, but don't let him drag you down.....

JLD81

Thank you for all your responses, and especially for giving me a place to vent. And, don't worry, he got his head chewed off deluxe- but this gave me a place to vent before going complete and total ape Sh** crazy on him. I still have the other questions, and don't know what the future holds, but right now worrying about my relationship is not on the top of my priority list. I think this is where part of our breakdown is coming from. I am busy with me. I am a work in progress. I only have so much focus and attention to give, and right now it is on me. I don't think he understands this. I think his comment was certainly crappy and very insensitive, but I think it was made out of stupidity and insecurity rather than intention and cruelty. When I bit his head off his own insecurities came out in one brief short sentence in the midst of many, but being a girl, we often catch those, as I did.

Don't worry, I will not let him bring me down, or anyone else. I am not in a place where I have a ton of weght to lose- in fact when asked the question the other day " how much more do you want to lose?", I didn't have an answer because it isn't about the scale. It is about discovering the best strong me I can be. I have been the skinny "hot" girl, and I have been the "fat" friend. It isn't about either of those. It is about doing what I love, and finding out what my body is capable of.

I don't know who I will be at the end of this, but I know I am finding a new me that I enjoy from the inside out and will not allow anyone to change that. It is quite possible that the compatibility will not be there once I find who I truly am anyway, I don't know. I just know that I will not allow anyone to push me back to the place I have already been.

THank you all for your support. And the laughs that I much needed

citygirl04

Glad you're feeling better. We're all here to support each other.

kf4vkp

My ex husband would sabatoge my efforts before. Whine about me leaving him all alone while I went to excercise, encourage bad eating habits, etc.

When I asked him about it he thought about it for a while and admitted to me that it was a subconcious thing but when I was trying to get healthier (which he wanted) it also meant I was getting more in shape and losing weight and in every relationship he saw a woman do that in growing up it was because the woman was preparing to leave and getting fit was part of her 'shopping' for someone new and that was his fear.

He's an ex for different reasons and I wasn't shopping for someone new before he was, but It made it easier to call him on the sabatoge and reassure him about me not leaving by knowing the reason.