Husband hates that I go to a trainer :(

dkoroschetz

I did discuss this with my husband prior to signing up but he didn't say much (maybe he didn't think I would do it). He LOATHES that I'm working out with a trainer. I started going to a trainer in May this year. I've lost over 15 lbs and 2 pants sizes (I never took inches measurements) and I'm super happy with the results in my body since beginning to work with a trainer.

We've been together for almost 9 years, married for 6 and have two kids together. And, my trainer is 50 years old, I'm 30 and my trainer is older than my dad. There are no female trainer options at this facility, the trainer is the owner and is the cheapest in town - $25 per session with free boot camps, most others are $50 per session. I have tried to get my husband to join me in boot camp workouts because he needs to lose quite a bit of weight himself and to meet the guy but he won't come with me. I'm sure his insecurities play a role in this but I can't get him to understand that he doesn't need to be concerned. To put it bluntly, I workout hard when I'm there and I certainly didn't lose weight, tone my legs and get biceps by screwing the guy, instead of working out.

What do I do? I'm tired of the constant commentary about my trainer and what I do when I'm there and my husband doesn't understand that you talk between reps (you know, because there's nothing else to do). He thinks it's "get to know you hour" and just flat out hates it. This is working for me, having a trainer there at the gym at 6:30 am is making me get out of bed and workout. I feel great and I think he's being silly to be so concerned about it. I'm absolutely loving lifting weights and boot camp style workouts. I wish I would've found this years ago!! I don't think it's fair for me to stop going, especially because I'm finally happy with myself again.

HMD7703

I think your DH needs to come with you to see the trainer. Plus, if he needs to lose weight, it is for his benefit and peace of mind.

SoDamnHungry

All you can do is insist that you're going for the fitness, and keep offering your husband opportunities to go with. It definitely sounds like he's insecure.

There's no way you should stop going. You've had great results!

PRMinx

I love having a trainer - it helps keep me on track. I wouldn't want to give him up either. He's about 50 +. When we chat, it's usually about his kids. Ha.

I would try to get him to go with you once, just to meet him, but it sounds like you've tried that. Maybe have an honest sit down where you lay it out for him. You like your trainer, you aren't going to stop and he needs to get over it. If he can't get over it, then I might suggest counseling to work through it. Sometimes all it takes is a mediator.

Good luck!

misswager

first of all good for you and well done for your achievements so far! You should be proud of yourself

Your husband is being very childish and petty. Perhaps he is jealous that you are getting fitter and loosing weight whereas he is not. You cannot let his insecurities stop you going to the trainer. I just dont get why he is so insecure?

Personally, I'd say 'tough titty to him', and if he's so worried then he's more than welcome to join the gym. Keep up the great work, and hopefully he will get over it soon

ubermensch13

I'd recommend couples counseling. There are obviously trust issues there somewhere.

libbymcbain

Hello there

Well done! and Glad you like working out so much. Maybe your husband isn't threatened so much by the trainer (if he was, he would meet the guy or take comfort from the fact the guy is older etc). Maybe he is threatened by the fact you are taking charge of your life in a way he isn't with his own and maybe he is scared you will move on beyond him (whether with the trainer, or with someone else, or maybe even just with yourself).

That is sad, and you can give him some support and reassurance, but you can't make him face his own insecurities unless he wants to. It sounds like he is trying to put you down with his comments so that you won't go- not because he is scared of the trainer having an affair with you,, but because he is scared of you moving on. If your trainer was a different person, it could be something else that was the feature of the comments.

One thing that occurs to me that you could try, even if it does cost more, is to find a female trainer somewhere else, even if it does cost more and go there for a bit AS WELL (so you don't ruin your relationship with your existing trainer). If he is positive and supportive about your new sessions, well then he really was just worried about your male trainer, if not, it's something deeper.

You could try explaining to him how much you need his help and support on this, because you want to get healthy and be there for as long as possible for both him and your kids, because you love him and them so much. this might take doing consistently and repeatedly, as fears do often need repeated reassurance before they fade.

Hope this helps and good luck.

Absonthebrain

I think you just need to really talk with him about it. Ask him exactly how it makes him feel and what would make him feel better about the situation. That should get the conversation flowing.

sc0ttie

IMHO it isn't about the trainer, it is about you are improving yourself and he isn't.

yoovie

Dont stop. Invite him along to see whats really happening. Its probably just the not-knowing that bugs him. Once a guy understands a situation they arent familiar with, they get loads cooler with a quickness.

Pedal_Pusher

Who's more important to you, your trainer or your husband? No, seriously.........

Dub_D

Just break up.

ACepero79

I paid for my wife to see a trainer. I've seen the trainer with other women so I know there is definitely some touching and stretching involved. But, as others have said, trust becomes a huge issue here. The trainer is just doing his/her job. He can't perform his job effectively if he can't touch someone or stretch them. If he couldn't touch my wife, I'd be wasting my money.

1sophiesophie

I'm not going to make the usual response that these type of posts get on this site which is "wow - dump your husband". Instead, a piece of practical advice...simply don't talk about your trips to the gym with your husband, unless he asks you.

Something is obviously irking him and it is probably due to his own hang ups. Maybe it is because you are getting your body back in shape when he knows that he should be doing the same with his, so he is angry at you for highlighting his own laziness. Maybe he knows that he should be asking more about you and "getting to know" you better, so when he hears about your chats with your trainer, he gets jealous and angry at himself for not putting in the effort he should with you.

None of the above reflects well on your husband, BUT, when you still have to get your own house in order, it can be very annoying having somebody bouncing about saying how much they are getting their's in order. Keep going to the gym, enjoy it - LOVE IT, but just don't talk about it with your husband unless he ASKS you explicitly. Some might get on their high horse and say "your husband should share your enthusiasms". But why should he? Do you share all of his? Do you sometimes get annoyed and jealous that he is in the pub with his mates or watching the football when you'd rather be going out on a date? The less of a big deal you make of what a great time you are having at the gym, hopefully the less your husband will even think about it and it will gradually stop being such a big deal for him too as you're no longer (however inadvertently) holding up a mirror to his own failings.

Sick_Beard

I paid for my wife to see a trainer. I've seen the trainer with other women so I know there is definitely some touching and stretching involved. But, as others have said, trust becomes a huge issue here. The trainer is just doing his/her job. He can't perform his job effectively if he can't touch someone or stretch them. If he couldn't touch my wife, I'd be wasting my money.

This^ - People start feeling insecure when their significant other starts spending time with someone they believe to be more superior.

dahkneeka

Jealousy is one of the hardest things to deal with in a relationship.
He is probably jealous you are putting in the effort to improve yourself, and you have opted to use another male to do so. In my guy's opinion, he should be the only guy in my life (so i know where your coming from)

He may also be hurt that he wasnt involoved in the decision/selection process?

It would be so much better if he could just go with you... I am sure what he is thinking, and what is actually happening are polar opposite..

Keep up the good work, and stay strong!!

TavistockToad

IMHO it isn't about the trainer, it is about you are improving yourself and he isn't.

this!

i would just say, dont mention your training sessions any more, then he cant b*tch about it!

tadpole242

If your husband joined a gym and his trainer was a 20 something superhot fit blond girl with a sexy rack, a six pack and a *kitten* to die for, you’d be happy… I don’t think so.
Cut him some slack,

randrews0407

IMHO it isn't about the trainer, it is about you are improving yourself and he isn't.

+1

jharb2

I think there are bigger issues here. And it has nothing to do with your trainer. Your trainer could be anybody in your life. A co-worker, someone that you spend time with other than him. Do not let your husbands insecurites and jealousy stop you from achieving your goal.

PRMinx

If your husband joined a gym and his trainer was a 20 something superhot fit blond girl with a sexy rack, a six pack and a *kitten* to die for, you’d be happy… I don’t think so.
Cut him some slack,

Apples and oranges. That is not the case. The trainer is 20 years her senior - old enough to be her Dad.

Sick_Beard

If your husband joined a gym and his trainer was a 20 something superhot fit blond girl with a sexy rack, a six pack and a *kitten* to die for, you’d be happy… I don’t think so.
Cut him some slack,

This^

fbmandy55

I'd recommend couples counseling. There are obviously trust issues there somewhere.

This, the trainer isn't the issues, it's trust.

Sapporo

If your husband joined a gym and his trainer was a 20 something superhot fit blond girl with a sexy rack, a six pack and a *kitten* to die for, you’d be happy… I don’t think so.
Cut him some slack,

Apples and oranges. That is not the case. The trainer is 20 years her senior - old enough to be her Dad.

A lot of women like older men. 20 years is nothing when it comes to 30 and 50.
However, I do not like the jealousy, it isn't like she had a choice at this gym.

runningfool30

It most likely isn't insecurities about you and the trainer (even though that might be the main argument he has), it is most likely the change and feeling of being left behind that has him the most frazzled. People don't like change and when there is one person in a relationship getting out of the normal comfort zone and making changes, than that rocks the boat. Give it time....once he sees that you are in a better mood, loosing weight, more energetic, etc., he will come around. Just keep reassuring him that there is nothing going on outside of what should normally happen at a gym. It take a little time for us stuck in our ways, overweight men to realize that everything is okay and the boat isn't going to sink.

PRMinx

If your husband joined a gym and his trainer was a 20 something superhot fit blond girl with a sexy rack, a six pack and a *kitten* to die for, you’d be happy… I don’t think so.
Cut him some slack,

Apples and oranges. That is not the case. The trainer is 20 years her senior - old enough to be her Dad.

A lot of women like older men. 20 years is nothing when it comes to 30 and 50.
However, I do not like the jealousy, it isn't like she had a choice at this gym.

Considering that the OP pointed this out herself, I'm inclined to believe that she's not into the 20 year age gap. I agree other women might be, but not this one.

dkoroschetz

If your husband joined a gym and his trainer was a 20 something superhot fit blond girl with a sexy rack, a six pack and a *kitten* to die for, you’d be happy… I don’t think so.
Cut him some slack,

Apples and oranges. That is not the case. The trainer is 20 years her senior - old enough to be her Dad.

I've already agreed that if he was working out with some hot 20 year old chick then I may be upset but that's not anything like what I'm doing.

This guy isn't hot, he's old to me....older than my father. I would NEVER date someone this much older than me.

I know he was cheated on once in his previous long term relationship. However, we've been together for 9 years and that happened over 12 years ago. I've never done anything to make him not trust me, just paying for other's mistakes I guess.

He knows that he needs to lose weight, says it occassionally but he won't do anything about it. I still love him the same either way but I keep working on him to get into it with me for his health.

dkoroschetz

If your husband joined a gym and his trainer was a 20 something superhot fit blond girl with a sexy rack, a six pack and a *kitten* to die for, you’d be happy… I don’t think so.
Cut him some slack,

Apples and oranges. That is not the case. The trainer is 20 years her senior - old enough to be her Dad.

A lot of women like older men. 20 years is nothing when it comes to 30 and 50.
However, I do not like the jealousy, it isn't like she had a choice at this gym.

Considering that the OP pointed this out herself, I'm inclined to believe that she's not into the 20 year age gap. I agree other women might be, but not this one.

Thank you You are exactly right!!!!

My mother has always dated much older men and I just don't get it!

tadpole242

If your husband joined a gym and his trainer was a 20 something superhot fit blond girl with a sexy rack, a six pack and a *kitten* to die for, you’d be happy… I don’t think so.
Cut him some slack,

Apples and oranges. That is not the case. The trainer is 20 years her senior - old enough to be her Dad.

I've already agreed that if he was working out with some hot 20 year old chick then I may be upset but that's not anything like what I'm doing.

This has nothing to do with logic, this is to do with you having early training morning sessions with a guy who is fit, and gets to see you all hot and bothered. Your Husband would need to be a saint not to be put out by it. And you've admitted you'd feel the same as him if he was training with a woman. And just because you don't feel attracted to a older man does not make it any different, your husband might not like 20 year old blonds, but you'd still not be happy. if you can't admit that, not even to yourself, then you both are in trouble.