Date Advice - all points of view welcome

NOTLUPUS

Since we are all fitness pals here and my friends don't seem to care or have an opinion I want to run a scenario by you guys and gals and see if you can offer any advice.

Before I start yes, I know I over think and over analyze things. Up until two years ago I was in a steady relationship that ended when I caught my girlfriend and roommate fooling around on the couch two weeks before my birthday. It wasn't a oh hey we were drunk and kissed and fondled thing either. I've been in a dating rut ever since and pretty much have lost all practice or skill I had to built up.

Here it goes...

I started using OK Cupid, a free online dating site. Met a wonderful girl. We talked back and forth for about a dozen messages and when I was running low on steam for questions I remarked that I was curious about where she worked. I didn't want to come off like a stalker as she put it in her profile. The exact phrase she used in her profile , I don't want to say where I work or my job title because I have enough stalkers already. I told her it was cool if she didn't want to talk about it. She replied with her telephone number and simply said feel free to call or text me.

I started texting her back and forth and eventually called her Thursday evening. We talked for around an hour on the phone. We agreed to meet Saturday and I told her I would think of something for us to do. She had mentioned wanting to go to the farmers market and since I always missed it because I usually work Saturday mornings we should go together, hit up a sushi place for lunch and then walk around a local park. Between Thursday and Saturday she checked my profile out at least 2-3 times and found another profile I had on another site POF with her account over there. I didn't bring this up, I was actually kind of flattered.

Come Saturday she is non stop texting me, seemed a bit nervous. I was as well. The farmers market turned out to be a total dud, only two or three blocks of only pumpkins. We chatted and walked around, and eventually ended up at a bar and each had an organic bloody mary. Occasionally she would stare off to the bar tv, but kept eye contact 90% of the time.

The conversation was mainly me asking questions and volunteering info, we get to the sushi place order and are talking. She brought up that she had been exhausted all week, she told me this as well on Thursday. I joked I felt bad hogging the conversation and didn't want it to feel like an interview and did she have any questions for me. She said, no your telling me enough. Now the damn Sushi place had a tv in the dining room set to Top Gear and we talked back and forth about that. She'd gaze off to one side and play with her necklace. I mentioned that maybe we should call it a day and take a rain check on the park because I could tell we both were exhausted emotionally and physically. We talked about other things, she specifically mentioned she had a friend coming in next Saturday. and eventually the bill came and she started playing with her necklace and putting chapstick on. Apparently this was a "sign" that I should have gone in for the kiss according to friends. We ended up hugging when she left. We both kind of sat in our cars doing the "wtf did I/he just do" pretty sure I could have gone in for the kiss.

I sent her a nice text telling her I enjoyed the day and company and would love to see her again. I didn't get a reply to much later that night she ended up taking a 5 hour nap and missed her Zombie walk. I asked if she could do it it late? She said "no" , I told her that sucked and I thought she would have made a cute zombie ( I figured I needed to flirt a little to show I was still interested after the failed signals for a kiss?) and depending on her plans myself and a couple friends are playing pool, she could join us if she wanted. She said she already had plans to meet some friends. I said that's cool, I really did enjoy myself this afternoon love to go out with you again. I didn't get a reply. I came home drunk like an idiot and checked her profile out and went about my business.

Worked out Sunday, didn't text her figured I had done enough damage. I accidentally made her a favorite on okc and she deleted her profile sunday evening. This wasn't a block a friend of mine Katie checked for it and it was gone. Probably hidden so nobody can see it, its a feature. Okay she didn't block me or anything.

Mustered up the courage to text her this afternoon see how boned I was. I asked her how her weekend was. Figured if I had scared her off she wouldn't reply, block me or be like yeah this isn't working out. She replied "My weekend was great. I actually ended out till 6am Sunday morning with some friends. Spent most of sunday resting." We did a little idle chit chat back and forth, I mentioned I was at work and had to go because it was time for me to start my shift. I'd talk with her later.

here are my questions
- why do you think she deleted the OKC dating profile after our first date. Is this a "I think I've found a decent guy, I want to invest some effort into him" type thing. A friend emailed me and said "For me as a girl, it means that you've already occupied that space, thet space that she tried to fill with dating online. You're the one."
- she may have another okc account to see when I was last active see if I'm interested in other people or playing games. Honestly I'm not, she's the first one I've met online thats actually decent. Wasn't playing with her phone the majority of the date. and seemed to actually be giving this a shot and wasn't agreeing with everything I say and willing to correct me when I screw up.
- Should I have kissed her?
- How long should I wait to contact her again? I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her but I don't want to come off as desperate.
- I really don't want to come off as a stalker and overly needy either.
- should I hide my online dating profiles so she doesn't see me as being active? or should I just stop being active for a couple days?
-any way to salvage this, yes I know I am over thinking things.
- are we both just acting nervous and not sure how to proceed?
- is she still interested? she doesn't seem to initiate contact but keeps initiating when I initiate. If I say, hey got to run to the gym for an a couple hours she doesn't reply just stops responding until I send my next message.
- does she sound like she's playing hard to get?
- or does it sound like I'm sending mixed signals? How can I be clearer with my intent? I'm not talking bearer of my children here but a long term relationship would is really what I'm looking for. She seems like a nice girl so far, so I'd love to see where it goes.


The advice I have before me from friends is wait a couple days, complete silence (apparently this works) and then either

a.) call her up in a couple days choose a day and tell her I'm taking you back for that Bubba Gump sushi she mentioned three times wanting to try they only serve at dinner. Basically date number 1.5 or 2 depending on how I view Saturday. I think it was a date, not my best but still a date.

b.) make some plans to do something fun this weekend, movie or I actually thought about going to get pumpkins at a local farm corn maze. Invite her along on Saturday if I'm going Sunday. Which again would have to happen because she has a friend coming in for a girls night thing Friday/Saturday.

c.) suggestions?

d.) all hands abandon ship because you are fubar


Sorry if this was long, but I needed a place to vent and seek advice. I figured here is as safe of a place as any.

SashThompson

wow, you really do over analyze things. :P

Seriously, just call her and take her out again and then see what happens. Thinking about stuff like this doesn't help. sometimes actions are more proactive.

Good luck

Jeshkah_Grace

From a girls point of view she might be waiting for you to make the first move, I know most of the time I have the mentality that if someone wants to talk to you , then they will , so maybe she thinks the same about you.
If she is still replying to your texts then there is no harm in asking her out on a second date, from the sounds of it you are thinking everything you have done over and over again, the only way to put your mind at rest , and to see if she is still interested is to ask her out.
I mean what would you prefer ? Over thinking to the point you convince yourself you have done something wrong, and not actually speaking to her to find out what she thinks or finding out if shes interested by asking her out.
Because once you know if she is interested or not you can either continue the relationship or find someone else who is.
That doesn't mean I'm saying bombard her with text messages, if you feel more comfortable leaving it a couple of days (and only a couple) and then calling her do that, just make sure you contact her,
I hope this helps !
Good luck !

orangesmartie

Sorry but from what you've said, that says to me she's not really that interested. When you're interested in someone and want to see them again, you keep checking of texts/emails and make the effort to respond to any.



You don't delete profiles after one date - that would be too much of an expectation to reserve yourself to one person after only one date. also, she has thus far avoided your statement about another date. That speaks volumes.

The only way to find out is to phone or text her and say, " would you like to go out for dinner ?" Then the ball is firmly in her court to say yes or no. Do not say a specific night the first time, wait for her to answer. If she says yes, ask her what night she is free, then see if it fits with your schedule. If she says no, or i'm not sure - or any other kind of procrastination answer, then cut your losses and move on.

rheelizabeth

I have to agree with orangesmartie here... if I liked a guy I would let him know and I wouldn't delete any of my profiles until we were exclusively together (and I don't think you two are yet).

Ask her out again. And make it obvious it's a date.

hbrittingham

My thought is that she went on this date with you, but also had a date planned for that night with another guy. It may be that she's interested in you, but it could be that she's interested in the other guy instead. Your only option, in my opinion, is to call her or text her and ask her out and see what she says.

When I started dating my now husband, I had already agreed to a date with another guy. I told my husband that I had to go because I had already committed to it, but that it would be the only date I would go out on with the other guy. I was pretty distant when I was out on that date because I was just there because I told this guy I would go (this was 22 years ago and nobody had cell phones back then, lots of people didn't even have answering machines either). That could be what is going on with you and this girl. Or not.

NOTLUPUS

@SashThompson: yup I really do, you should see me play chess haha usually have things planned out six moves ahead and I'm not even a chess guy.

@hbrittingham no it was an actual zombie walk for epilepsy she does a lot of volunteer work for red cross and habitat for humanity. I actually was thinking of going as well.

I was bored and had to stay after work this evening to help in a drug audit, and basically texted just to see how her day went. See if she would be around this evening if I called. She was heading out and had dinner plans, didn't know when she would be home (aka date) not weird considering it was nearly 6pm anyways. Told her it was okay, she could give me a call when she got home if she wanted. I just wanted to ask her something. ended up with an "alrighty", I explained to her I was stuck at work doing a drug audit or I would have just called and an "oOh fun". She has a dry sarcastic personality so its hard to tell at times.

I figure she calls/contacts me some way awesome some interest, no contact eh I'll just write it off. I'm pretty much going with the philosophy and yes I stole it from Star Trek lol

"The soufflé will either rise or it won't; there's not a damn thing you can do about it, so you might as well just sit back and wait and see what happens"

jlwbeans0823

Long ago when I was using online dating I would hide my profile if I was getting too many responses. This allowed me to focus on the responses I was getting and figure out who I was interested in going out with. Online dating overwhelmed me and I wasn't in to seeing more than two people at a time. It could be the same scenario for her or maybe something entirely different.. Don't over analyze and just go with it. If she's interested she'll keep communicating with you. I wouldn't keep sending her messages, let her make the next move. If she's interested she'll bite. Good luck and have fun! It should be fun, right?

Dub_D

Just break up.

caldon4523

I met a real nice girl on POF. When I date someone for the first time I make it a point not to expect a kiss or to kiss her. When I date someone for the first time I'm trying to figure out if I want to see her again. It wasn't until the third date after we finished our meal and went outside that I felt comfortable enough to ask if I could kiss her. That turned out to be very romantic moment and I think I made a great impression on her.

We dated for a very intense two months. Unfortunately it did not work out for us. I still think of her and I feel I conducted myself like a true gentleman throughout. That first kiss was what made our relationship special.

Call her and ask her out. If she says no, there you have it.

Next time, for a first date, I recommend just meeting for coffee. If you both like each other, when you say good night, you can ask her out to dinner for a second date. Again, I don't recommend you act like you deserve a kiss. By asking her out for a second date, that tells her you're interested.

Good Luck.

cgfol1

Honestly...she's just not that into you. Sorry, but she is giving you the signals I would if I wasn't that into you

RobinvdM

DaniD

They aren't going out yet, a little "cart before the horse" thing going on there.

:laugh:

ETA: OP

Im with the general consensus - jsut invite her out for another date, if shes interested she will want to see you again, if she isn't she won't. Pretty black and white. Im an overthinker too, but I definitely would jsut toss it out there "Hey you wanna hang out again" and if I got the big ole "well not this weekend but maybe some other time" Id be moving on. Life is too short to wait for someone to make time for you.

jesse1379

You have put yourself in the friend/nice guy zone. You need to ignore the hell out of her then send her a text about a week from now asking.....no telling her to meet you at the nearest bar and show her a good time. Except this time you be the one to make the first move and be confident about it. If you look like your all timid and **** she will sense that.

cgfol1

You have put yourself in the friend/nice guy zone. You need to ignore the hell out of her then send her a text about a week from now asking.....no telling her to meet you at the nearest bar and show her a good time. Except this time you be the one to make the first move and be confident about it. If you look like your all timid and **** she will sense that.

Game playing at its finest!!!

jboccio90

You have put yourself in the friend/nice guy zone. You need to ignore the hell out of her then send her a text about a week from now asking.....no telling her to meet you at the nearest bar and show her a good time. Except this time you be the one to make the first move and be confident about it. If you look like your all timid and **** she will sense that.

Unfortunately, He is right.

j1wright

Sorry but from what you've said, that says to me she's not really that interested. When you're interested in someone and want to see them again, you keep checking of texts/emails and make the effort to respond to any.



You don't delete profiles after one date - that would be too much of an expectation to reserve yourself to one person after only one date. also, she has thus far avoided your statement about another date. That speaks volumes.

The only way to find out is to phone or text her and say, " would you like to go out for dinner ?" Then the ball is firmly in her court to say yes or no. Do not say a specific night the first time, wait for her to answer. If she says yes, ask her what night she is free, then see if it fits with your schedule. If she says no, or i'm not sure - or any other kind of procrastination answer, then cut your losses and move on.

This right here. This is the best advice you are going to get.

jenilla1

Honestly...she's just not that into you. Sorry, but she is giving you the signals I would if I wasn't that into you

That's my opinion, too. When I met my husband, we just clicked in such a strong way immediately that it was obvious to him, me, and everyone around that we were totally in sync. It didn't matter what kind of plans we already had made or what kind of day it had been, we were totally energized and just wanted to be around one another. And there was an instant sense of comfort. Sure there were moments of not being exactly sure what would happen next, but the overall feeling was that this just felt right.

From your description, I'm getting a sense of ambivalence. Maybe that's the way it works for some people? Not sure. I also think it sounds like your friends are just trying to give you pep talks and aren't going to really be totally honest. They are your friends. They want to be supportive and say positive things. I could be totally wrong about this. At least call her up and try again. maybe you'll really click this time! :flowerforyou:

TorontoDiane

from what you had written I really do not think either of you really had a good time... when you are into someone and interested in them... you are engaging with each other... you do want to continue the date ... I am wondering what it is that is making you want a second date?

126siany

She's just not that into you.

ohmelgosh79

Wow. You are over-thinking things hun. Relax, go with the flow, and have fun dating. People these days are so ready to meet "the one" that they forget the act of dating, that dating is supposed to be fun.
You went on one date, don't delete or hide your profile based on that, if you want to do so because that's what YOU want to do (ie online dating is not your thing or you don't like that site) then by all means delete, hide or whatever. My advice to you is to give yourself the opportunity to meet several people.
As far as her signals, I personally wouldn't play with my necklace and look away if I wanted a guy to kiss me but each person is different. I would chalk that and the low conversation on her part as nerves. She's returning your texts so she's still interested. Ask her out again, whether that be tomorrow or later in the week. The timing doesn't matter so much. If you're worried about that, text her tomorrow to say hi. see where the conversation goes from there. Her deleting her profile: I wouldn't read too much into that. Online dating isnt for everyone. Some people go on for a trial period, see what its like and delete their profile. Is it a pay site? Did she delete before she was charged? Whatever the reason, it really doesn't matter. She's still talking to you and you should just go with that.
Like I said, no matter if it works out with this one or not, have fun with it! Meet lots of people. At the very least, you just might make some new friendships out of it.

luvs2teachincali

You don't delete profiles after one date - that would be too much of an expectation to reserve yourself to one person after only one date. also, she has thus far avoided your statement about another date. That speaks volumes.

Sorry, but ^^ THIS.
I know for me, when I was in the dating pool... it was HARD for me to tell a guy I wasn't interested. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I even found myself on a pathetic second date once after I had such a TERRIBLE first one all because I have trouble saying no and standing up for myself. I say ask her one more time, but have specifics... don't be wishy-washy. Since you know her friend is coming in, don't make plans during that time, tell her what time and exactly where you'll go and what you'll do. If she turns you down again or just avoids the question then walk away and cut your losses because now the ball is REALLY in HER court. She KNOWS you're interested and will act according to her desires. Keep looking!!

ETA: Oh and I was such a jerk on the second date. Quiet. Not talkative. Rolled my eyes a few times. Even argued with him a few times. And he STILL tried to get a THIRD DATE. I had finally had enough and got my courage to tell him I wasn't interested. Some guys take longer to get a clue. He actually told me on the first date that he KNEW I was into him because, wait for it.... I ran my fingers through my hair in our psych class and he sat behind me. REALLY? Wow. I didn't know that was a sign of interest, I mean nobody told me. :laugh: I just do that unconsciously from time-to-time regardless of who is around. After that I started to be more careful with my detangling attempts. LOL!!!!

mgobluetx12

I agree that she's not into you. If she's never initiating the texts/calls, she's not interested. When I liked someone, I would absolutely text or email them, especially early on and it was clear he liked me. You can try asking her out again, but don't be surprised if she says no.

luvs2teachincali

I'm a thinker too. The more I think about it...
it's probably a good thing that you didn't go for the kiss, sorry, but I think the playing with the necklace thing was not a sign of interest, but rather a sign of "Hmm, I wonder if he's going to pick up the whole bill or just his portion?" Long gone are the days when the guy is expected to pick up the entire tab so a girl just never knows. Plus, if she was filling "friend vibes," then even more reason for her to feel like she should pay her portion. Friends would split the tab surely. Just my additional two cents.

sho3girl

I just wanna know what's happened since?

NOTLUPUS

Haven't said of even communicated in the last two days with her. Whatever most people were right and I was wrong, again. Even with my give em hell, stubborn nature has its limits. 0-20/ 0-17 with this whole online dating thing in the in the last three months alone...I'm exhausted. I'm done. It's off to the island of misfit toys or to overthrow of the tokugawa shogunate to sad music, whatever I'm supposed to do now. heh bonus points if you got that last reference.

If she calls or texts whatever, I'll shoot a text next week but pretty sure there isn't even a reason at this point. ah well.

diadojikohei

If I was playing with my necklace and glancing at the tv and not talking much that would mean, how long do I have to stay and how do I politely get out of this.

If I was playing with my necklace, looking at you, smiling, laughing and makings lots of eye contact there would be no doubt at all what would happen next...! lol!

She could be an mysterious enigmatic person or she could just be really really boring!

Go with your gut, and get back out there on the market!

SLE0803

I do the online dating thing so I "get it." I say wait a couple days after the first date and text again asking her on a second date. Maybe she was just nervous??? She may have hidden or deleted her profile for various reasons (weirdos, etc).

I do say lay off a little on the communication. She may feel a stalker-ish/creepy vibe if you text/call/email too much so soon. I'm NOT saying to ignore her, but maybe text every couple days. And yes, you are the man you need to iniate the communication. If she says no to a second date or barely communicates back with you then she is not interested.

microwoman999

Every person is different. I would say Great job on not kissing! To me if you hugged her meant you were just being polite and not trying to push anything on her. However other than that its how the chemistry was that night. If you felt it was good go with you instinct and keep trying. If it does not work out then you know you tried your best. You can't get advice from other people on how she felt because like I said everyone is different. All those signs could have meant come get me and or could have meant leave me alone. I agree with try to get another day out together going. Give it a try and if she keeps dodging you for 2 or 3 weeks then ask her out front if she is into you or not because she is sending mixed signals. I am an upfront person and I don't like to be messed around with. Now go out there and try! Good Luck!

JosephVitte

I'm an honest guy.............might not always be right.............but I'll give you my opinion. Truth: I read your whole story..........but I only read your first question............and I already forgot what it was.....oh about the profile.......she deleted...........



I don't think you have a chance. I'm not saying you blew it.............just that it wasn't meant to be. I've never attempted online dating, but it seems you either have it or don't..........and that's what dates are for. I think she was fiddling with her necklace and putting on chapstick when the bill came to hopefully persuade you to take care of the bill. Who ever of your friends told you putting on chap stick is a sign to go in for the kiss..............has never put chapstick on before. Maybe I'm just tired.............but this seems way lost. My question to you...............why the fu*k do you even care? Excuse my language............but move on. This is way too much bullsh*t to start with. Doesn't seem to be chemistry........maybe your just a horn dog wanting to get laid? I don't know, and I sorta feel bad saying it, but this is my honest opinion. Find another girl to go out with, when you have some chemistry........YOU will know it. Maybe your not looking for chemistry...............I don't know...............but when she's telling you she's out til 6 am with friends...........lol.............that's when you gotta say..........fu*k her................in the nicest way. Nice guys finish last. Put a little metal in your spine, be orginal, tell her how you feel rather than trying to be mr. polite/correct/yes maam type of a guy. Be yourself, whatever that is. Sorry your friends told you that meant kiss her. You'll know when your suppose to kiss her, it SHOULD be unmissable with body language and eye contact , closeness, and a vibe/presence/feeling. If you didn't know you were suppose to kiss...............you weren't suppose to. Move on..............you seem like a nice guy.

diadojikohei

That last reply was lovely! Bless! Even the Terminator is giving dating advice on this site!

rungirl1973

To me, it sounds like maybe she is seeing somebody else but keeping you on the back burner just in case it doesn't work out with the other guy. I've done it.