Trying not to throw a pity party!!

Hippie_Soul

Just need to vent instead....I don't know what is wrong with me!!! I quit smoking last October and started working out and eating right. I found and joined MFP in January (I think!) and fell in love with it!! Almost obsessively! I lost 15 lbs and felt great!!

THEN, I found out my Mother had breast cancer. She lived a couple of states away, so I came to visit and help her through her first round of chemo after she had her surgery. Chemo seemed to go well (although I know the effects generally don't show until later) but seeing my Mother so vulnerable seemed to have a traumatic impact on me. I picked the ciggs up again!! My sister and husband both smoke and have no intention of quitting, so there were plenty for me to bum!

I went back home to my family...continued the smoking. Feel like crap and STILL want to smoke!! Can't breathe, stopped exercising and started eating crap again. Just completely fell off.

A week later, my Dad calls to tell me my Mother collapsed from infection and swelling. 3 weeks later I moved my family to be close.

My Mother is not the same. She has developed dementia from trauma of the chemo treatments. She is like a 5 year old and cannot function on her own. I am her caretaker during the day and still take care of my family after my Dad gets home from work.

I HAVE to quit smoking AGAIN! and have gained back almost every single pound that I had lost. I have set a quit date for Sunday...I just don't understand how I can be so WEAK!!!!!! I have been through so many difficulties and come out on top, but I just feel so weak, like I can't get a grasp on this!!! I need to quit smoking to exercise but want to eat a bunch of crap if I don't smoke...feels like a bunch of excuses.

Thanks for reading, if you actually made it through the whole thing. If anyone has any advice, I would value it greatly!!

Cassieray21

I feel you, I'm sorry for what's happening with your mom and I will keep your family in prayer. It was awesome that you moved your family closer. NOW, I'm just a newbie, however, on Sunday when you quit smoking. Start walking the same day, It will eliminate some of the urge to smoke. Walk when its convenient or when u feel like a cig. the fresh fall air will clear your head too. I hope all gose well.

Hippie_Soul

Thank you for your kind words!! :flowerforyou:
That is definitely a GREAT idea!! I have this fear that my lungs will lock up and I won't be able to breathe, but I guess I could just go to the hospital if that happens! lol! Gotta start somewhere!!

lizziebeth1028

Just need to vent instead....I don't know what is wrong with me!!! I quit smoking last October and started working out and eating right. I found and joined MFP in January (I think!) and fell in love with it!! Almost obsessively! I lost 15 lbs and felt great!!

THEN, I found out my Mother had breast cancer. She lived a couple of states away, so I came to visit and help her through her first round of chemo after she had her surgery. Chemo seemed to go well (although I know the effects generally don't show until later) but seeing my Mother so vulnerable seemed to have a traumatic impact on me. I picked the ciggs up again!! My sister and husband both smoke and have no intention of quitting, so there were plenty for me to bum!

I went back home to my family...continued the smoking. Feel like crap and STILL want to smoke!! Can't breathe, stopped exercising and started eating crap again. Just completely fell off.

A week later, my Dad calls to tell me my Mother collapsed from infection and swelling. 3 weeks later I moved my family to be close.

My Mother is not the same. She has developed dementia from trauma of the chemo treatments. She is like a 5 year old and cannot function on her own. I am her caretaker during the day and still take care of my family after my Dad gets home from work.

I HAVE to quit smoking AGAIN! and have gained back almost every single pound that I had lost. I have set a quit date for Sunday...I just don't understand how I can be so WEAK!!!!!! I have been through so many difficulties and come out on top, but I just feel so weak, like I can't get a grasp on this!!! I need to quit smoking to exercise but want to eat a bunch of crap if I don't smoke...feels like a bunch of excuses.

Thanks for reading, if you actually made it through the whole thing. If anyone has any advice, I would value it greatly!!

I am so sorry for your situation!!! It is heartbreaking watching a parent's health decline. I know I went through it with my Dad. The first thing you need to do is cut yourself some slack!! You are dealing with a trying and emotional situation. So stop looking backwards and judging yourself as a failure because you're smoking again. Forgive yourself and LOOK FORWARD!!! With that in mind - quitting smoking should be your first step back into a healthy lifestyle. Don't worry about calories or exercise. Just focus on quitting smoking and your family at this time. Best wishes to you:flowerforyou:

Hippie_Soul

Thank you!! It makes me sad to think anyone else would have to go through something like this..I am sorry for your trouble, but at the same time, it's nice to know that someone else can understand it!
You're right...I need more time for myself but it never seems to happen! Sunday is MY day though and I'm gonna DO THIS!!

joislosingit

Oh lovely B. You know I think you are awesome! Sometimes we cope the only way we can to get us through the tough times. Try not to beat yourself up by your past actions - Look forward to your new future. You CAN do this.. and I will be here to support you anyway I can.

Huge hug! xx

TriClaudia

WEAK? Anything but! You're showing incredible, heroic strength. Just don't forget to keep some for yourself! You CAN do this, but beating yourself up will sap your strength. Be gentle with yourself.

sarahrbraun

Just need to vent instead....I don't know what is wrong with me!!! I quit smoking last October and started working out and eating right. I found and joined MFP in January (I think!) and fell in love with it!! Almost obsessively! I lost 15 lbs and felt great!!

THEN, I found out my Mother had breast cancer. She lived a couple of states away, so I came to visit and help her through her first round of chemo after she had her surgery. Chemo seemed to go well (although I know the effects generally don't show until later) but seeing my Mother so vulnerable seemed to have a traumatic impact on me. I picked the ciggs up again!! My sister and husband both smoke and have no intention of quitting, so there were plenty for me to bum!

I went back home to my family...continued the smoking. Feel like crap and STILL want to smoke!! Can't breathe, stopped exercising and started eating crap again. Just completely fell off.

A week later, my Dad calls to tell me my Mother collapsed from infection and swelling. 3 weeks later I moved my family to be close.

My Mother is not the same. She has developed dementia from trauma of the chemo treatments. She is like a 5 year old and cannot function on her own. I am her caretaker during the day and still take care of my family after my Dad gets home from work.

I HAVE to quit smoking AGAIN! and have gained back almost every single pound that I had lost. I have set a quit date for Sunday...I just don't understand how I can be so WEAK!!!!!! I have been through so many difficulties and come out on top, but I just feel so weak, like I can't get a grasp on this!!! I need to quit smoking to exercise but want to eat a bunch of crap if I don't smoke...feels like a bunch of excuses.

Thanks for reading, if you actually made it through the whole thing. If anyone has any advice, I would value it greatly!!

Is it possible to go to the doctor and get Chantix? from what I understand, you smoke the second week while the med level builds up in your system. The second week you stop smoking.

I smoked years ago and had to quit cold turkey. I would suggest stocking up on things like baby carrots to snack on when you HAVE to have a snack. When you quit smoking, you still crave the mouth feel--so either sucking on hard candy, or eating crunchy foods is supposed to satisfy that urge. Maybe you can try taking a quick 5 minute walk, then having a snack when you have the urge to smoke?

As for the whole breathing thing...I have asthma, and last fall I had bronchitis for 4 months STRAIGHT. I was only 5 weeks out from my last bout of bronchitis when I started walking on the treadmill. I thought I was going to DIE. I would walk for 30 minutes and be soaking wet and breathing hard...but then my friend and I started trying to do another 30 minutes, and we did it! For 4 months I walked an hour 3-4x a week. As I was able, I increased the incline, or the speed. After 8 months I am doing 30 minutes of hill intervals ( up to 5.9%) with a 5 minute cool down. As per my respiratory therapists orders, I use my albuterol inhaler before I work out. Never have I had to cut a session short due to being sort of breath! You CAN do this!!

Lisa760

You're one tough cookie. And an awesome daughter. Your situation is tough but I have a feeling you've got this covered.

My situation is not the same but a little similar. I work full-time outside the home, two school aged kids (one on the autism spectrum), a husband who is a disabled veteran, and I have my 97-year-old grandfather living at home with us who I'm caretaker for when I'm not at work. Oh, and two cats and a dog. It's a full house and a full life. What gets me through is knowing that I can do what others in my house cannot. My grandfather, if he were physically and mentally able, would choose to live a vibrant and active life every day. My husband, if he physically could, would choose to exercise daily and surf and take the kids hiking. Me ... I've got no excuse and no real barriers except my mindset. Although it's not always easy, I tell myself that I'm stronger than I realize. Us moms, we have to be strong, too many people depending on us.

Hang on tight and do something wonderful for yourself today. In the process, you'll be doing something wonderful for your family as well. Just image your kid grown up and in your situation ... what advice would you give her? Any advice and wisdom you'd give to her is good advice for you right now.

Everyday is a blessing and an opportunity to make great choices.

rmn1972

There is. a huge difference between giving up and having a setback.
It is never too early to go back to taking care of yourself. Just try to look at it as giving yourself the energy to do the things for your mother that you know will have to be done. Think how much easier it will be for you to do them if you feel better about yourself.
Taking care of yourself is the number one priority because it will give you the strength to take care of te ones you love!

thebuz

Before you beat yourself up again try talking to yourself like you would your best friend if they came to you for advice. Guaranteed you'll be gentler, kinder and more forgiving. We are our own worst critics and for some reason we don't show ourselves the very compassion and empathy we provide to our friends, family and other loved ones.

On the second note... Do remember that you can only be strong for your family when you ensure to take time and energy for yourself to keep your strength. You can't give what you need to your family if you don't give yourself what you need. If that's quitting smoking, losing weight, eating well or even just taking time away from things then you need to find a way to make yourself a priority even it if's in small ways.

On a third note..... Many smokers never quit on their first try. You can find many people who have quit that will tell you it took more than one try so this setback ( and that's all it is - not failure) is just that. A setback on a longer journey to a cigarette free life.

I'm a smoker and I've quit a couple times and will be quitting again at the end of this month so I assure you I know how hard it is to quit and I applaud you for getting back on the bandwagon.

Hippie_Soul

I am very overwhelmed by the responses!! Thank you everyone!! I got kinda teared up that other people really understand what I'm going through and by the kind words that were given!!
I don't actually have any health insurance at the moment..because I changed states, have to wait for it to kick in, but I would love to go back on Wellbutrin..that worked for me in the past. The last time I quit I did it cold turkey. Was a rough first day, but the 2nd I was already moving around more and staying busy. That's what I'll have to do...just stay busy and that's not a difficult thing to do. Just have to remember to keep my patience level high...I read and have seen how dementia patients pick up on moods, even facial expressions.
Lisa760, you are an inspiration!! I know I can do this!!
All of you guys are awesome and thanks again!! Made my whole night A LOT better!! :flowerforyou:

jo_can_do_2, I ya as a true friend!! Thanks for always being there!! You always got me too, babe!!

NatashaRuz

((((Hugs))))) You're shouldering quite a load right now. I wish nothing but positive things for your mother, and if the prognosis is not positive, I wish for the easiest of path possible.

As for quitting, it's different for everyone. I quit because my boyfriend (now husband) asked me to. I was going through one of the toughest times of my life as I battled for my son's well-being/life. However, I stopped. Picked a day, and quit. I'd tried to quit for 10 years prior and it never 'stuck'. I even went 4 months at a time w/out smoking. This time though, it was the right time, and I knew it. I woke up one morning, and was simply a non-smoker. This was almost 6 years ago. I've never looked back. Never even had a craving; and I used to be a 1+ pack a day smoker.

All I can say is, keep trying. Never stop trying to quit. The right quit will come, but it won't if you stop trying.

Hippie_Soul

NatashaRuz, that is quite an accomplishment!! Thank you so much!! I miss my Mother, although she is there in the physical, I miss her personality.
I am going to try again Sunday! I'm feeling a whole lot better than I was!!

sarahrbraun

I am very overwhelmed by the responses!! Thank you everyone!! I got kinda teared up that other people really understand what I'm going through and by the kind words that were given!!
I don't actually have any health insurance at the moment..because I changed states, have to wait for it to kick in, but I would love to go back on Wellbutrin..that worked for me in the past. The last time I quit I did it cold turkey. Was a rough first day, but the 2nd I was already moving around more and staying busy. That's what I'll have to do...just stay busy and that's not a difficult thing to do. Just have to remember to keep my patience level high...I read and have seen how dementia patients pick up on moods, even facial expressions.
Lisa760, you are an inspiration!! I know I can do this!!
All of you guys are awesome and thanks again!! Made my whole night A LOT better!! :flowerforyou:

jo_can_do_2, I ya as a true friend!! Thanks for always being there!! You always got me too, babe!!

I, like a previous poster, have a child on the autism spectrum. Last month when I took him to the psychologist, a different doctor was filling in...and I was having a bad PMS day. I was VERY emotional, and she gave me some advice--make SURE I get my cardio in. Cardio creates endorphins ( the happy hormones), which will help alleviate some of the depression and stress caused by my situation. She's right. I tend to get agitated and "twitchy" if I don't get my cardio in at least 3x per week!

Ke11yJo

*Hugs* You are doing really well :flowerforyou:

I would just focus on family and quitting smoking. The rest will fall into place in due time. Remember to take time for yourself too. I don't mean the whole health thing, I mean "you". Taking the time to soak in a hot tub with a trashy novel and escape for a while, or whatever helps you clear your mind.

Will be thinking of you and sending you prayers and strength

NatashaRuz

*Hugs* You are doing really well :flowerforyou:

I would just focus on family and quitting smoking. The rest will fall into place in due time. Remember to take time for yourself too. I don't mean the whole health thing, I mean "you". Taking the time to soak in a hot tub with a trashy novel and escape for a while, or whatever helps you clear your mind.

Will be thinking of you and sending you prayers and strength

Great advice

Hippie_Soul

*Hugs* You are doing really well :flowerforyou:

I would just focus on family and quitting smoking. The rest will fall into place in due time. Remember to take time for yourself too. I don't mean the whole health thing, I mean "you". Taking the time to soak in a hot tub with a trashy novel and escape for a while, or whatever helps you clear your mind.

Will be thinking of you and sending you prayers and strength

Thank you!! Yes, it's so hard to remember to do that when everyone needs ya all the time!! No one else drives either..lol! so my morning routine is to take my hubby and sister to their jobs and then my daughter to school and then my Mother to doctors etc...I definitely need to put my foot down a little and find some time for myself..that IS great advice. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers as well!

LadyVeng3ance

Im sorry that happened to you, but Im glad your mom made it, even when she needs assistance now.
I'd say to quit now, because 98% of people who say theyll quit on another day than today, they usually dont quit.
So make sure you follow through! I used to smoke as well, I quit about 6 months ago or more, cant really remember
Anyways, when I wanted a cigarette I would just walk out on the porch, and pretend to smoke air, and that actually really helped!

As for the nicotine, maybe you can ease the quitting with a nicotine bandaid or a nicotine gum? Just in the beginning?

Hippie_Soul

Im sorry that happened to you, but Im glad your mom made it, even when she needs assistance now.
I'd say to quit now, because 98% of people who say theyll quit on another day than today, they usually dont quit.
So make sure you follow through! I used to smoke as well, I quit about 6 months ago or more, cant really remember
Anyways, when I wanted a cigarette I would just walk out on the porch, and pretend to smoke air, and that actually really helped!

As for the nicotine, maybe you can ease the quitting with a nicotine bandaid or a nicotine gum? Just in the beginning?

Thank you! That is an interesting way to cope!! Just pretend to smoke! May have to try that. I have never tried any of the nicotine gums or patches..always thought it was expensive but LOL! not any more expensive than buying the freakin' cigarettes! I might give it a shot if I get desperate. I usually just get really emotional on the first day, crying for no reason and stuff. Congrats to you on quitting and never looking back...you are a strong individual!

LadyVeng3ance

Thank you! That is an interesting way to cope!! Just pretend to smoke! May have to try that. I have never tried any of the nicotine gums or patches..always thought it was expensive but LOL! not any more expensive than buying the freakin' cigarettes! I might give it a shot if I get desperate. I usually just get really emotional on the first day, crying for no reason and stuff. Congrats to you on quitting and never looking back...you are a strong individual!

Hihi thanks, but Im not really strong at all. I have almost no self-dicipline what-so-ever.. Thats why I know everyone can quit smoking. It isnt really hard to quit smoking, whats hard is really _wanting_ to quit smoking.. Most people, no matter how much they say they want to quit, they dont. Cause when you really want it, you'll quit!

Hippie_Soul

[/quote]

Hihi thanks, but Im not really strong at all. I have almost no self-dicipline what-so-ever.. Thats why I know everyone can quit smoking. It isnt really hard to quit smoking, whats hard is really _wanting_ to quit smoking.. Most people, no matter how much they say they want to quit, they dont. Cause when you really want it, you'll quit!
[/quote]

You are absolutely correct!!! I never quit until I really wanted to!! I really DO WANT TO!! :ohwell: Just have to hang in there with the cravings and dizziness that comes with it!!

cebreisch

It is REALLY hard sometimes to admit we're human. I was talking to my boss last weekend who gave up smoking and said it was really hard, and he has gained weight since then too.

I'm sorry you're going through such trying times. My father contracted multiple myeloma (some kind of cancer that affects his bones/back). It's been hard not to let that derail my efforts to lose weight.

Have you tried seeing a doctor or a counselor? I'm just concerned that you're doing so much for others, that you haven't taken the time to do for you. One of the surgeon's I spoke with (I was considering getting the lap-band surgery) said that there are times that it's okay to be selfish - and getting a handle on losing weight or stopping smoking or whatever the case - if you don't take the time to take care of yourself, it's going to take a dramatic toll on you. You aren't going to be able ot be as effective with helping your mom or your family.

If there's any way you can schedule some "me time" to either go to the gym or to see a counselor or some other way to de-stress that wouldn't involve smoking or eating, that would be great - even it it's just 30 minutes at a time.

Hippie_Soul

It is REALLY hard sometimes to admit we're human. I was talking to my boss last weekend who gave up smoking and said it was really hard, and he has gained weight since then too.

I'm sorry you're going through such trying times. My father contracted multiple myeloma (some kind of cancer that affects his bones/back). It's been hard not to let that derail my efforts to lose weight.

Have you tried seeing a doctor or a counselor? I'm just concerned that you're doing so much for others, that you haven't taken the time to do for you. One of the surgeon's I spoke with (I was considering getting the lap-band surgery) said that there are times that it's okay to be selfish - and getting a handle on losing weight or stopping smoking or whatever the case - if you don't take the time to take care of yourself, it's going to take a dramatic toll on you. You aren't going to be able ot be as effective with helping your mom or your family.

If there's any way you can schedule some "me time" to either go to the gym or to see a counselor or some other way to de-stress that wouldn't involve smoking or eating, that would be great - even it it's just 30 minutes at a time.

First of all, wow!! What a great inspiration you are!! You have done amazing!! Thanks for your input. Because I moved states, I have to wait for transfer of my health insurance (State funded). So, I won't be able to see a doctor until January or so. I have quit smoking cold turkey twice...the first time for 4 months and then again not long after for 10. I KNOW I can do this!!! But my surroundings make it 20 times as hard. I'm just thinking one thing at a time. Now, my "me time" consists of sitting in front of the television and snacking! Bluh, bad habits...
Oops, got on a rant! Again, thank you for your advice....all this support definitely makes me feel stronger!!